Remember approximately one week ago, when Bachelor in Paradise ended, and we didn’t know what to do with ourselves until January? Never mind! There’s no sleep in Bachelor Nation, and the press cycle for Colton’s season of The Bachelor has officially started. This week, Colton went on Ellen to talk about life, love, and how he’s *still* a virgin. I’m already sick of the virgin storyline. I mean, I didn’t even think this much about losing my own virginity. I digress. Because no appearance on Ellen is complete without a cringe-inducing surprise, we got to meet three of Colton’s upcoming bachelorettes.
Okay, so I fully hate that they do this early introduction thing now, because it really ruins the fun of seeing 28 complete randos step out of the limos on night one. But the ABC publicity team knows what they’re doing, so we have five solid minutes of content to dissect. Sydney, Annie, and Katie got to make their first impressions on Colton, and I have some thoughts too.
The three ladies had to play Ellen’s game “Know or Go,” where they stand on a platform and get dropped through the floor if they don’t know the answer to a question. This means that Colton was standing like 20 feet away from these three women that Ellen reminded him he might end up marrying. And he actually gets to hug the last woman standing! Should I make a joke about that being the most physical contact Colton has had with a woman in a while? Nah, it’s low-hanging fruit and I’m better than that.
Our first eligible bachelorette is Sydney. Sydney kinda looks like a generic brand Olivia Munn, but like, in a nice way? Her outfit is a little concerning, consisting of black booty shorts and some kind of yellow drapey top. Are these girls already using Becca’s stylist? For her first question, she’s asked to use her best pickup line on Colton. It, um, doesn’t go great.
SYDNEY: Did you just fall from heaven, or are you an angel?
ELLEN/COLTON/ALL OF AMERICA:
For some reason, she doesn’t get eliminated from the game for this horrendous answer. For her second question, she correctly identifies Madonna as the singer of “Like a Virgin,” because we have to make sure everyone knows COLTON IS A VIRGIN. Sadly, Sydney gets eliminated on question three, when she thinks the human heart only has three chambers. Well, no one said these women were scientists.
Katie is very pretty, and her face is giving me major Dionne in Clueless vibes. Unfortunately, her outfit erases any positive feelings I had about her. It looks like she took a silk sheet and had 20 minutes to make it into a romper, using only safety pins and a glue stick. The result is very “eliminated week 1 on Project Runway.” She says her ideal first date with Colton would be having a picnic in Malibu, which is fine, I guess? Unfortunately for her, she gets kicked off after question two, when she reveals that she doesn’t know how to f*cking rhyme. I don’t see Katie making it to hometowns with disappointing results like this, that’s for sure.
Annie is by far the most promising of these three ladies, and she wins this dumb competition. She’s wearing a standard Bachelor contestant outfit of a tube top tucked into some giant high-waisted striped pants. Her first question is her favorite thing about Colton, and she says his dogs. She reveals that she has SEVEN dogs (red flag), but it’s okay because they live on her mom’s horse farm (big red flag). Your mom having a horse farm can either mean you’re extremely rich, or you’re a total horse girl. I guess we’ll find out in a few months.
Annie successfully answers how many points a touchdown is worth, which is enough to come out on top against these other two psychos. She wins a quick hug and an awkward hello with Colton. No doubt this quality alone time will make the other girls extremely jealous when the season actually starts. Until then, we’ll do all the Instagram stalking we can, and report back when we have more info.
Watch the full video from Ellen below:
Images: Giphy (2)