With this winter seeming like the longest one on record, the only thing that seems longer is this season of The Bachelor and our quest for some girl to tell Colton “You ARE the father!” How does that groundhog thing work again? Either way, whether he sees his shadow or not, can we just skip to the end of this season so I can know who to suck up to for a wedding invite? Let’s see how many girls cried their fresh lashes out this week on The Bachelor.
We pick up where we left off last week, with a stressed out Colton listening to Onyeka and Nicole battle it out about who is going to get the bed without the mosquito net in Thailand. Given Colton’s history of being indecisive, he continues that trend and sends both of them home. Dressed like an expired banana, Onyeka is now really pissed because she just saw her ability to model sh*tty sunglasses go up in flames. Nicole is actually somewhat excited to go home because she finally realized that Thailand’s Cuban coffee has nothing on her mom’s in Miami.
Next Location? Vietnam! (Let me remind you, we have not been in the US since the MANSION.) The girls walk through the house like the opening episode of MTV Cribs, and they realize that they’ll never ever have a vacation like this again, so they have to make it to the end. I mean, fall in love forever. In the search for the bathroom with the triple-ply toilet paper, they find a date card, and lucky Hannah G. gets her first one-on-one with Colton.
The day portion of this date takes place at a Vietnamese spa where they tell you you’re ugly, wrap you in lettuce, put mayonnaise on your face and then tell you: “Oh my god, your skin is glowing!”
These two don’t mind, because the date is free and Colton likes mayo. After being completely covered in McDonald’s special sauce and palm fronds, Colton talks about how attractive Hannah G. is, and starts making moves that are pretty advanced for someone who hasn’t had to unwrap a condom yet. Oh yeah, we also have our SECOND booty grab in as many weeks.
The night portion of the date is a romantic outdoor setting where everything is perfect, and the only things clashing are Colton’s shirt and the tablecloth. Hannah G. tells Colton it’s hard for her to open up, but she tries by telling him a story about her dad, his love for his yard, and her mom doing doughnuts in it, aka them getting a divorce. This hits home for me, because I remember messing up the yard once, and my mom tried to put me up for adoption. Messing up the yard = families being torn apart. Serenaded by the soundtrack to Rush Hour 3, Colton and Hannah dance the night away.
The next date card arrives and the next staff field trip belongs to Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi. The girls leave in their extreme athletic wear prepared to “fight” for Colton’s love. They arrive to see Colton win the most scripted fight since Cardi B. v. Nicki Minaj, and are excited to let out some aggression on the other girls.
Sydney v. Heather: A match that makes your ears bleed, mostly because it sounds like Heather swallowed a whistle.
Hannah B. v. Cassie: I’ve seen more athleticism from a stack of Jenga blocks.
Demi v. Katie: Proves that small dogs are all bark and no bite, because Demi shrank more than most guys in cold water ;).
Night time! Who’s Sydney? You’re wondering, Colton’s wondering, and America is wondering. She makes herself KNOWN tonight. She pretty much tells Colton that if he can’t get there with her, that she needs to go home because she’s paying for her Netflix account and not using it. Colton gives her the “I hope we can get there!” generic answer, and she seems somewhat content…or so he thought. Sydney doubles back later to say: “Not only am I paying for Netflix, I’m paying for Hulu too!” Realizing that Netflix + Hulu > Colton, Sydney takes three connecting flights home, fully prepared to beg for her job back.
Sydney getting all these airline miles and we haven’t heard her voice since “Hi, name is Sydney.”#thebachelor
— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) February 12, 2019
Missing from the last group date was Kirpa, meaning she’s the recipient of the one-on-one date! I know you’re thinking: “Who the f*ck is Kirpa?” Hint: She the one that looked like she was doing chin-ups on broken glass last week. Very soft-spoken, and probably has the prettiest teeth around, we know little about her, but she’s still in the running. This date is VERY anticlimactic, and I’ve seen more lively things in a morgue. A nice lunch where the most interesting thing was the table setting, and a dip in the sea because none of them knew where to wash their hands, make up the day portion of the date.
The night portion of the date is pretty bland, and the most exciting part of the date is that Colton’s shirt matched his shoes. Kirpa opens up a bit, telling us that she was engaged before to a virgin, and so Colton has nothing to worry about. Given the boredom that Kirpa exudes, I’m wondering if the breakup was caused by her fiancé falling asleep and drowning in his soup at dinner? Kirpa’s pretty smile and innocence get her the date rose, and allow her to continue on her quest to Platinum Status on United.
Demi is still pissed about not getting a one-on-one, and she goes to create her own alone time once Colton’s back from his nap date with Kirpa. It boggles my mind that Demi really is wondering why she hasn’t had a one-on-one date with Colton yet. (My guess, because no one wants to be left alone with CRAZY.) Demi insinuates that after tonight Colton might not be a virgin anymore, and now my interest has piqued. But given Colton’s history, and how tight his pants are, that V card is not going anywhere. Having Demi walk through several metal detectors, with The Bachelor security in the room, and him speaking through six inches of class, he tells Demi: “I’m just not that into you.” Fearing for his life, he quickly escorts her off the premises and has his number changed. ABC really should save some money and just fly her directly to Mexico since Bachelor in Paradise is where she’s going to end up anyway.
With just enough girls to fill a conference room, it’s rose ceremony time. Colton decides to forgo the cocktail party because he’s trying to finish the Fyre Festival documentary on Netflix since he has no idea how it ends. Already with roses are Tayshia, Kirpa, and Hannah G. Roses are immediately given to Hannah B., Caelynn, and Cassie, leaving Heather (never been kissed) and Katie (AMAZING eyes) to fight over the last flower. Dressed in what resembles an ankle sock, Heather gets the final rose because just one kiss isn’t enough on national TV. Katie pretty much tells Colton “Don’t let me catch you in the streets because I’m two weeks away from getting my gun license.“ (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s definitely what she wanted to say.)
This week’s episode was monotonous, and if this season doesn’t pick up, I’m going to find something better to do on Mondays. Like watching paint dry.
Images: ABC; Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter
Well Bachelor Nation, the time has come. You cried, you shouted, you asked for a recount, you even pulled the fire alarm at the mansion in hopes that the season wouldn’t film, but to no avail. Colton’s season of The Bachelor has started. Yes, the same man who couldn’t commit to a summer fling in Paradise now will commit to finding his WIFE on national TV. I don’t know how this season is going to end, but stock up on the toilet paper because I know the journey is going to be a sh*t show.
Episode 1 kicks off with ABC showing a bunch of people around the country that decide to go to their local bar and grill to take in three hours of Colton Underwood. The only explanation as to why someone would do this is that that the amount of liquor required to tolerate this season cannot be stored in a single family home, and people hate to drink alone. ABC literally spends 45 minutes going back and forth showing live footage in LA, Dallas, Utah, and Michigan of people watching THEMSELVES on the big screen. Yes, we’re about 45 minutes in and no sign of Colton. What’s even funnier?? NO ONE is upset. It seems that ABC got the memo: we know you weren’t happy with our pick, so you win, we just won’t show him.
We start to see some of the girls and their backgrounds. We have a speech pathologist from California, and Miss Alabama who has only kissed four people in her lifetime. Heather is up next and get this…like the movie SHE’S NEVER BEEN KISSED! (If she makes it to the Fantasy Suite, no condoms will be needed. Just UNO cards and bunk beds). Heather has her eyes wide open at all times, and it kinda looks like she sneezes with her eyes open, so definitely someone you want to keep your eye on.
Next, we meet Bibiana Jr. (aka Nicole from Miami) who brings a lot of spice with her. She’s a big family person, meaning Colton: You better have at MINIMUM a 4-door, because the family will be tagging along as well. Dental hygienist Kirpa, and Demi from Texas round out the rest of the intro packages.
Colton then gives his big soliloquy about how he’s changed, evolved, and still doesn’t wear underwear (this alone should disqualify you from being the Bachelor). In a series of some of the worst shirts I’ve ever seen, Colton talks to Chris Harrison about how the experience has changed him, and how he’s ready to prove people wrong and lose the V-card that’s super glued to his chest. Yeah, enough of that.
Somehow, The Bachelor makes LA traffic disappear, and these limos start rolling in hot and heavy with girls with tags still on their dresses, hoping that Nordstrom will take everything back if they get cut early. The first couple of limo entrances are pretty basic, nothing exciting. Miss North Carolina makes it known who she is, followed by Sydney who makes it known that she quit her job to be there so yea, Colton, I hope you can bring home enough bacon for the both of you.
Probably the best virgin joke of the night belongs to Caitlin who “pops his cherry” via a balloon on a string. (Here’s $100 saying he didn’t get the sexual reference.) More V-card jokes come, and the entrances start getting even more boring….until the sloth. Following the likes of Dolphin Alexis Waters, and Penguin Matt Munson, we have a girl dressed as a sloth moving ever so slowly. Well if there’s one thing he’s not in a rush to do, it’s have sex, so you’re probably torturing yourself more than Colton. Tracy shows up in a cop car as the fashion police, and then we get a voiceless Alex, a fake Aussie, and a girl who drops off her daughter (aka her dog) in Colton’s hands as she enters the mansion. The last entrance might be the most memorable: a horse and carriage ride in, complete with slipper left behind and everything. But the way gas prices are in LA, I totally get this move.
And finally, the cocktail party starts…LET’S GET TO IT!! Colton proclaims that he’s ready, and he begins to meet with all of them. Demi steals him first (which, PRO TIP: automatically puts a target on your back) and then the other conversations follow. The conversations are going as well as you’d think they would…until they don’t. Miss North Carolina gets the first kiss, and she’s smitten. Chris Harrison then messes up the vibe created by free Hennessy & Patron by placing the first impression rose on the table.
Catherine (the bad dog parent) gets her time, but decides enough isn’t enough. She proceeds to steal Colton away from three others in addition to her original time. Despite being warned that it’s rubbing others the wrong way, she continues to do it. One thing’s for sure: Catherine is definitely going to have Nair put in her shampoo bottle, and it’s ONLY NIGHT ONE.
Hannah gets the first impression rose, because he knew “from the beginning of the night.” My money is on it being the only name he could remember, but hey, I’ll take his word for it. All the girls now hate her and probably are putting itching powder in her g-string. Okay, one rose down…several to go.
Rose ceremony time. All the roses aren’t really surprising given the amount of TV time they’ve gotten. But the final rose is here, and time thief Catherine still doesn’t have a rose. But you know ABC…she’s getting one, and unsurprisingly, the last rose goes to her. I mean, if we’re not gonna have sex on this show, we gotta have drama, right? People who got eliminated before the sun came up and can return to work like nothing happened: Alex D, Laura, Revian, Erin, Devin, Tahzjuan, and Jane.
This season will be drama-filled for sure, mostly because at some point, Colton won’t be able to make up his mind, will forget someone’s name, or call someone Becca/Tia!
It’s only one month until ABC starts holding us all hostage with the flaming garbage that is the Bachelor franchise, and their newest Bachelor is already getting trolled. That’s right. The trolling of Colton Underwood has begun, and it’s not even from me. It’s by his goddamn producer. So does that make me qualified for a job at ABC? Because I have over 3-5 years’ worth of experience trolling their leads.
Last night, one of the producers on The Bachelor took it upon himself to
copy and paste a crude rendering from my personal burn book blast TF out of Colton with this amazing Instagram post comparing Colton to The 40-Year-Old Virgin. An hour later, Judd Apatow posted it on his own account. Later, ABC then posted it on the official Bachelor Instagram at @bachelorabc. Behold the shade:
First of all, it shocks me that someone from ABC had enough personality to come up with this hilarious post. But I also find it offensive that they’d compare the ICONIC Steve Carrell to The Chargers’ glorified water boy. Please.
Now, if you’ll recall, this is funny because Colton is, as we all know because ABC won’t stop beating it into our heads, still a virgin. Colton even went so far as to ask Chris Harrison which hole to put it in on live f*cking television. (I paraphrase.)
The moment Chris Harrison realized he would have to add, “sex-ed teacher” to his job title
So, like, way to be subtle, ABC. The best part? They kept the movie’s tagline: “what does he have to lose?” Cause like, what does Colton have to lose? Certainly not his dignity! I think he lost that right around the time ABC started holding his family hostage in exchange for him letting Tia feel him up in Mexico.
A number of former contestants commented on the post because where there is a minor publicity stunt on IG, there is a Deanie Babies and Wells Adams ready to test my sanity with their thirsty comments. Normally my stance concerning Dean is to ignore anything he says. Unless it’s “Kristina, I’m sorry I gave you a reason to think that a Russian orphanage was better than breathing the same air as my trifling ass” but I saw that he responded to Wells’ comment. And it was actually pretty interesting. The exchange goes as such:
@wellsadams: At first I thought this was photoshopped. I’m proud of you for making it happen.
@deanie_babies: @wellsadams I thought the same thing
I’m sorry. It’s NOT photoshopped? I have so many questions. Colton willingly did this photoshoot? This is real?? Are we human? Or are we dancer?
Colton does realize the end goal is to get some unsuspecting future SugarBearHair model to actually want to bang him, right? Because right now I have a feeling all of his contestants are picturing a fantasy suite that involves sweaty hands and a producer stepping in to show him how the bra clasp works. Good luck, girls!
Well, kids, guess we’ll have to wait until January to see if ABC makes the first 10 minutes of Colton’s season a remake of the best scenes from The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Should
make me want to start the new year by jumping off a bridge be lit!
Images: @billdixonish/Instagram (1); ABC (1)
We’ve talked a lot about the selection of Colton Underwood as the next Bachelor, and of course we’ll be watching in January when he begins his journey. That being said, it’s fun to think about what crazy sh*t could go down in Bachelor Nation. I love it when Bachelor alums comment on current happenings, so I was thrilled to see this week that Ben Higgins and Nick Viall had some public thoughts on Colton’s upcoming role. Nick Viall’s birthday was on September 29, so I’m interested to dive a little deeper into his possible motivations for making his comments.
Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, Nick and Ben both expressed some concern about Colton being on the show. “I think we’re going to see him struggle,” Ben said, which isn’t exactly a vote of confidence. He also called Colton “indecisive,” and said he expects to see a lot of tears. Nick specifically talked about Colton’s limited experience with dating, which he clarified is not just about his virginity.
NICK: I’m not specifically talking about his virginity and things like that.
Nick talked a lot about the intense pressure of being the Bachelor, and wondered whether Colton will be able to handle it. “It’ll be curious to see how Colton handles that with limited dating experience in general,” he said. Okay, Nick seems really focused on the fact that Colton has limited dating experience. Like, I get that you’re basically the manwhore of the Bachelor franchise, but not everyone wants to (almost) get engaged to three different people on national television. Reading these comments, it got me thinking: Does Nick Viall miss the spotlight?
The obvious answer is “yes, he’s a reality TV star,” but I’m thinking a little more seriously. Including his appearance on Dancing With The Stars, Nick appeared on five different reality shows within a span of about four years, which is an alarming pace, even for someone who’s addicted to attention. Since he got eliminated from Dancing With the Stars, it’s been about a year and a half since Nick was on reality TV, and he might be getting that itch again.
He’s also (most likely) single right now. Last we knew, he was in a high profile relationship with January Jones, who was totally out of his league, but when asked about it back in March, Nick said that he was single, and not dating January. So his relationship with a legitimate celebrity didn’t last, so maybe now it’s time to go back to dating fame-thirsty Instagram models and influencers. There are probably still thousands of girls who would die for a chance to date Nick (not everyone has good taste), so he might not be the worst choice for a future season of The Bachelor.
So, do we think Nick is thinking of ways to bribe Mike Fleiss into giving him another shot at
fame love? Stranger things have happened.