I never thought I’d say this, but like the Boys II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye” to The Bachelor Season 23. Yes, a season where we allowed a 26-year-old man to put us under Citizens Arrest for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Men and women canceled their new years resolutions in exchange for arguments with their TV and beating boxed wine to its expiration date. But hey, all good things must come to an end, right? Let’s hope one of them is this virginity talk. Let’s see how the two-night finale, that could’ve been an email, shook out.

Chris Harrison (dressed like a hearse driver) decides to rip the scab off that had began to heal by starting Monday’s finale with a recap of the season. Why put us through this pain AGAIN? You’ve already done it to us every Monday of 2019. For those that didn’t see every Monday episode, you still have more brain cells than the rest of us, and your IQ isn’t a single digit. But here’s a snippet of what you missed: Boy starts out with 30 women to date him, all but six Irish exit. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

We pick back up with Colton post-fence jump storming down the street because Domino’s Portugal is about to close in 5 minutes. (I understand his rage, because with no phone, you can’t call Postmates). After the producers find Colton via his Life Alert necklace, he screams at them: “I’m done. Done with the whole thing!” The response would make you think someone just asked him, “Are you finished with your vegetables?,” but no, Colton was referring to his time as The Bachelor. One of the producers gives him a big hug, consoles him, and whispers: “We got a show to produce, we already prepaid these dates, so you better love somebody.” After finding out that if he cancels the season, he’s financially responsible for the cost of the remaining dates, he changes his tune.

After a good night’s sleep on a twin extra long mattress, Colton decides to pay Tayshia a visit because she’s the only one with English channels on her TV. After he tells her that he’s only capable of loving one thing (which is a lie, I love Cinnabon and I love the color gray) she asks to speak to him without the cameras. This was probably the most upset I’ve been all season, because all seven-foot-twelve of Colton breaks out into tears, and we don’t get to see any of it. Just like that, Tayshia is now gone, and back to Orange County trying to get on a reboot of the MTV show The Hills.

Nighttime falls, and Colton goes to visit Hannah G. who has been locked in a hotel room since before indoor plumbing was a thing. She’s super excited to tell Colton “I love you,” when all he plans on telling her is, “Your gate # is E15 back to Alabama.” Colton tries to communicate that he really thinks that they could be great together, and even tells her at one point: “I thought it was gonna be you.” Well I’m pretty sure she was thinking the same thing when you had your tongue near her pancreas in Thailand, but hey, things change.

At this point of the finale, Hannah G. comes out to show the post-Bachelor glow-up, and lets Colton have it in the most eloquent way possible. She pretty much lets him know, “What Cassie did to you, you did to me.” You can tell that was a prepared statement because she had it written on her hand like the answers to a high school Spanish test. Bachelor alums Ben Higgins, Blake, Garrett, and Jason come out to discuss what’s going on right now, but I really think they’re only there because Colton owes them money and keeps rejecting their Venmo requests. PAY UP, COLTON.

One thing to not be forgotten is that in this way-too-long-finale, Cassie says, “Colton wants a wife and family, and I’m not ready for that.” I’m pretty sure that’s the FIRST question on the Bachelor/Bachelorette application that we fill out.

Question 1: Are you ready to be married? If yes, proceed to question 2. If no, what the hell are you doing here?

Cassie: “Colton wants a life and a family, and I’m not ready for that.”

Umm Cassie…what show did you think you were going on, The Price is Right???#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 12, 2019

In another attempt to live life with fewer brain cells, we subject ourselves to another two hours that could’ve been a voicemail on Tuesday. Colton realizes that he missed his flight home, and since the next flight to the Americas isn’t for another 48 hours, he might as well go to Home Depot, get some kneepads, and beg for his girl back. Colton shows up at Cassie’s hotel unannounced, with no gifts, no flowers, no nothing. This shows the lack of commitment here, because my 30 years of experience with women on this earth tells me if you at LEAST show up with hummus, they’ll at bare minimum listen to you.

After being forced out of her room by production, Colton tells Cassie that he sent Tayshia and Hannah home, to which she laughs in his face, and says how weird/crazy he is. Let’s set the record straight. Colton may be one thing, but he’s not weird! Definitely is crazy though, because I’ve seen him go several minutes without blinking, and that in itself should be enough for him to have to wear one of those jackets that make you hug yourself.  Colton continues to beg like a toddler at bedtime, and Cassie decides to meet his family in Spain get another free first class trip.

Cassie meets the family, and I can already tell that Momma Colton wants to beat Cassie’s ass for showing up empty-handed. Colton and his mother talk and she expresses her concerns, and Colton wants to hear none of it because, like finding Michelle Obama’s book at the library, there are no options left. Colton’s dad probably calls it how it is the most, telling Colton, “I just think you want what you can’t have.” I think this is probably true, and makes sense why I want Meghan Markle so much because she hasn’t returned any of my calls.

After convincing her to not reject him on TV again, Colton and Cassie enjoy their final date in Portugal. They take a nice ride in a Jeep and rappel down a cliff to Yogi Bear & Boo Boo’s leftover picnic basket. The love that Colton has for this girl is evident because he does all of this in dress shoes, which makes me think that the $2 shoe rental I paid at rock climbing last week was complete BS. During the picnic, Cassie begins to have a little bit of a deeper convo, and tells Colton she’s scared of a relationship controlling your life. Again, I ask: “WHAT SHOW DID YOU SIGN UP FOR?” Thinking a relationship controls your life is as narrow-minded as thinking that the cartoon roadrunner is ever going to get caught. Not. Gonna Happen.

Cassie thinks being in a relationship is a risk. That’s not a risk.

A risk is doing the “running of the bulls” with a steak tied to your ass.#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 13, 2019

At the night portion of the final date, Cassie and Colton have the weirdest interaction possible. It’s just weird because he won’t stop smiling, and she can’t get this “WTF are you smiling at?” look off her face. After saying that she’s open to a Costco sized bag of relationship, Cassie and Colton head to the fantasy suite. Like a boy who’s excited to play Nintendo for the first time, Colton kicks everyone out the room so he can take off Cassie’s “wrapping.” By all indications, there was some ACTION that night. Cassie’s hair looked like she slept in the dryer on “Tumble.” At the after show, Colton wouldn’t confirm that he now knows what the inside of a condom wrapper looks like, but given the fact that he pranced to the hot seat, we can only guess that he did the deed.

The end of the show reveals that Hannah B. will be our new Bachelorette, which also means the amount of teeth you’re going to see on your screen in the coming months will drastically increase.

This has been a tiring, and tumultuous season, and I never thought I’d wish someone got laid more than me.

Images: Giphy (3); diggymoreland / Twitter (2)

Presented by

Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! After suffering through 10 long weeks of Colton’s season, the end is practically in sight. And by “practically in sight” I mean we will be held hostage for another FOUR HOURS, during which I’m sure ABC will air approximately 12 minutes of new content. Fun!!

Now, when last we left off, Colton had fled The Bachelor property and taken to the streets of Portugal, where Chris Harrison was trying to lure him out from behind a bush with some leftover bacon. (I paraphrase.) This temporary loss of sanity was caused by Cassie, who had decided earlier in the evening that she couldn’t fake it with Colton for one more second (I deeply resonate with this sentiment). She dumped him mere minutes after he finished getting their fantasy suite ready by lighting every candle from Bath & Body Works “sensual” collection, and strategically hiding an entire box worth of condoms in every nook and cranny of that room. The last we see of Colton is this:

Damn, that never gets old.

Chris starts things off this week by declaring that the last episode featured the “jump heard round the world.” Lol. Okay, Chris. Laying it on a little thick here, aren’t we? We then jump into a montage of the “drama” from this season because I guess ABC is really only going to show seven minutes of new footage for every 45 we sit through of Chris saying things like “lost in the dark Portuguese countryside.”

We are now 8 minutes in and, after only two commercial breaks, we finally get to see some new stuff from this season. Blessings. Omg YOU GUYS they are calling for Colton like he is a goddamn dog. I can’t. They’re like “Colton! Come back! Heel!” Hey! If ruining people’s lives as a producer on a reality TV show doesn’t work out for them, at least they could all go in on a doggie daycare center.

I love that Chris is just hanging back at the fantasy suites while production is out scouring the streets of Portugal. He did his obligatory five minutes of searching, and now he wants to get back to his cucumber massage, and is content to just wait for Colton to call.

Cut to production who are like “should we check that bush again??” SHOULD WE CHECK THAT BUSH. I’m squealing so much in my apartment that my dog just got up to move to a different room. You guys, you can’t write this sh*t!! (But if Mike Fleiss did, then he deserves a goddamn Emmy.)

Production continues to check every large bush they encounter, all the while acting like this is Bird Box, and they’re risking their lives to find him. Just because the camera pans to a stray patch of weeds doesn’t make me believe you’re navigating through the dark underbelly of Portugal, ABC!

Production finally spots a lone, dark figure walking in an abandoned alley, and it’s Colton!! I don’t know why they seem so shocked to find him walking the exact path that leads off the property. It’s wild.

Oh, looks like they’ve dragged Chris Harrison away from his glass of Merlot once again, because suddenly he’s jumping out of a moving van and rushing after Colton. You guys, I’m dying. Chris is running after Colton, and he’s so out of breath from jogging the five steps from the van to Colton’s side that I can barely understand what he’s saying.

CHRIS HARRISON: What part of tonight makes you feel like you’re not enough?

CHRIS ARE YOU SERIOUS. The kid just got emotionally castrated on national f*cking television. What part of tonight wouldn’t make him want to take his chances on the streets of a foreign country?

Also, you know Chris is counting this as overtime. He’s calculating time and a half in his head right now every time Colton’s chin wobbles.

COLTON: Whatever, this makes me stronger.
ALSO COLTON:

Also, I love that Colton’s virginity is STILL the priority after that all of this has gone down. We cut back to the present where Chris is like “that was hard to see, but do we think he’ll still lose his virginity?” Well those tears certainly won’t help with that endeavor, Chris! Maybe show another shot of him showering, because airing this sh*t is doing nothing for our libidos.

Back in Portugal, it’s the morning after the fence jump, and Chris shows up at Colton’s door. Chris is like “I’ve never seen anything like that, mostly because the iron-clad contract contestants sign make sure that doesn’t happen…”

Chris is still trying to salvage the season and Colton is not having it. I love that he’s like “You could just try sleeping with Hannah G and see if that makes you feel better?” So subtle, Chris. So. Subtle.

I will say, Chris Harrison is saying everything that I’ve mumbled to my television screen as I’ve watched this entire season. He asks Colton if it’s every crossed his pea-sized mind that maybe Cassie isn’t into him and Colton is like “BUT I LOVE HER.” Yes, well these are literally things I scream at any dog who passes me by, but it doesn’t mean sh*t.

Tayshia’s One-On-One Dumping

Colton shows up at Tayshia’s hotel, and I think we all know what’s going to happen here. He declared very ominously five minutes prior to this meeting “I know what I have to do,” and I don’t think it’s he’s gonna bang one out with Tayshia to get back at Cassie.

Omg. He looks so unhinged rn. If I were Tayshia I would not walk out of that hotel room with him. I would shut the door right in his shiny face. Colton proceeds to try and dump her, and it’s more painful than watching Cassie find the words for “my daddy told me to dump you.” Like, Colton, don’t claw your own eyes out like that!

Okay, Tayshia is taking this extremely well. Why isn’t she saying anything??

Tayshia asks if they can “talk” without all the cameras and of course those vultures still film every word despite the fact that they’re hiding out in a utility closet together. All of a sudden, we just hear uncontrolled sobbing from the other side of the door and LOL IS THAT COLTON?! Well, if Tayshia was having any second thoughts about the breakup, I’m sure the sound of her ex wailing is certainly helping with that.

OH GOD. Are they seriously going to do her After The Final Rose right now?? In the middle of the goddamn episode?

ABC: I know! Let’s make the finale two nights and intersperse After The Final Rose with it. It’ll be a fun way to finish the season!!
ME:

Chris Harrison brings out Tayshia and she looks amazing. I’m really loving the highlights. She looks better than Colton anyways, who decided that to face off with his ex he’d show up looking like a young Taylor Lautner in Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

It’s uncanny.

I love how Tayshia keeps trying to make it sound like they had such a deep connection. She’s like “we had a lot of FIRSTS together, we did so many things together for the FIRST time.” Yeah, just because you pushed him out of an airplane before anyone else had the chance doesn’t mean he actually loved you! Honestly, Tayshia definitely dodged a bullet, and she’ll probably have better luck on Ship anyway.

Hannah G’s One On One Dumping

Next on the chopping block is Hannah G. Colton heads to her hotel room, where production has just unplugged Hannah G from the wall and taken her off hibernation mode. Oh god, y’all. Hannah G is sitting in her room writing in her diary about how much she loves Colton, and little does she know he’s about to tell her that he doesn’t even want to go on another date, let alone sleep with her!

HANNAH G: I didn’t expect this.
COLTON: I didn’t expect this either because I wasn’t aware that girls could just dump me on my own goddamn season, but here we are.

Okay, WHY is he telling her that she reminds him of home and that he thought it would be her in the end? That’s so messed up. He’s saying anything he can think of so she won’t blame him, and I’m disgusted.

I love that she’s not letting him off the hook and that she’s calling him out rn. YASSSS. DRAG HIS ASS, BITCH. Colton has the AUDACITY to act annoyed that she’s upset by all of this. He’s like “I know this sucks but what about me??”

Back in real time, Hannah G looks like she’s actively trying not to commit a homicide on live television. I will say, she looks amazing. While Tayshia showed up to After The Final Rose dressed in the night one “I’m the new Bachelorette” dress, Hannah G went with the classic revenge dress. Yes, honeyyyy. 

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Hannah Godwin wearing NBD on The Bachelor #thebachelor #bachelorfinale Shopping info on www.starstyle.com

A post shared by Star Style (@starstylecom) on Mar 11, 2019 at 7:01pm PDT

Okay, she looks piiiiissed and I’m so here for it. It’s the most emotion I’ve seen in her vacant doll eyes all season,, and I’m THRILLED it’s murderous rage.

CHRIS: Do you have any questions for Colton?
HANNAH:

Honestly, she’s not wrong to call him out on his sh*t. He’s giving her the blanket breakup statement that he just gave Tayshia as if she wasn’t backstage listening to him give it.

Lol. I love how Hannah is like “I’m completely over him,” and then demands to know if he ever thinks about “What if?” Sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is trying to throw lighter fluid on the bonfire that is their relationship. He’s like “Did you ever think about having that last one-on-one with Hannah G?” CHRIS. This girl is already seconds away from clawing out Colton’s eyes! Maybe you should try and diffuse the situation just this once?

30 Minutes Of ABC Wasting My Time:

Chris Harrison comes back from the commercial break and declares that this is the “first time in Bachelor history where there are no women left on this show.” Chris, you petty bitch.

The last 30 minutes of the episode is ABC’s fun social experiment to see how far they can push an audience without inciting a full-blown riot. They bring out rejects from past seasons to kill time, and also to show Colton that even if things don’t work out for him on the love front, ABC will bring him back year after year and make him keep reliving it. So sweet of them.

Omg. These people are RUTHLESS with Colton and his new hair. Like, he just had to get publicly dragged by his exes, and now you’re going to come for his haircut too? Low blow, boys. Also, Ben, you’re feeling far too cocky for someone who had to slide into some rando’s DMs in order to get a date…

ABC takes pity on us eight minutes from the end of the episode and decides to show us some new footage. It’s the least ABC could do for us, really. We cut back to Colton’s last days in Portugal. He’s looking very solemn about the fact that we’ve made it to the end of this and he still has a hymen. Sad!

Colton tells the cameras that he’s not leaving here without Cassie, while the camera pans to Cassie packing her bags as if she does not have a care in the f*cking world.

COLTON: I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I love Cassie that much.
CASSIE: I can’t wait for my family to see all my cute vacation pics!!

Annnd that’s where the episode ends. Seriously. They aren’t going to show us if Cassie even opens the door for Colton because they’re holding that footage hostage until tomorrow f*cking night. Bravo, ABC. Bravo. Chris Harrison even has the audacity to say we shouldn’t shoot him, he’s just the messenger. Like, I will kill you, Chris. Don’t tempt me with a good time.

And on that note, I’m out, betches! See you tomorrow where we’ll find out if, after all of this, Colton is somehow able to reclaim his dignity. Spoiler alert: he won’t.

Images: ABC (2); Giphy (6); @starstylecom /Instagram

I’m not trying to brag or anything, but it’s really f*cking obvious who Colton Underwood ends up with on The Bachelor. Like, there is literally no point in even watching the finale, unless of course you find joy in watching a grown man have an emotional breakdown, in which case, same.

But still, for the five of you who haven’t read the spoilers figured out what’s about to go down, consider this your warning that spoilers are ahead, because I have confirmation of who Colton has chosen to play “just the tip” with for the foreseeable future.

Again, spoilers ahead. Spoilers that you should have deduced if you have two brain cells to rub together, but spoilers nonetheless.

So, Colton chooses Cassie and I know that not only because he literally f*cking said it on the show (for my spoiler-free friends, this is an important clue!) but also because since filming has wrapped, he’s given absolutely zero shits about trying to keep it a secret.

Producers: Colton, why are you being so sloppy?
Colton: YOLO.

Last week, Colton was spotted leaving the gym with Gregg Sulkin and if I told you I didn’t Google “who is Gregg Sulkin” I would be lying to you. Apparently he’s a famous actor known for his work in Life In Pieces and Young & Hungry. I can relate. Also, we might be using the word “famous” a little too loosely these days, but I digress. More importantly, Gregg Sulkin is the boyfriend of Michelle Randolph who is also Cassie’s sister, meaning Cassie and Colton are together Cassie convinced Gregg to be seen in public with Colton so they could be photographed together and get some press. Well done, Cass!

(SPOILER) Gregg Sulkin (Cassie’s sisters boyfriend- also an actor) hanging out with Colton. @RealitySteve pic.twitter.com/9YHwDHQfVJ

— BACHELOR/ETTE FAN (@bachelorfanbase) March 1, 2019

But it doesn’t end there. After a little further investigating (aka skimming through r/thebachelor subreddit), I found Colton’s Venmo account. After requesting payment for the 40 hours of my life that I’ll never get back from this season, I looked at who he’s friends with and found Gregg Sulkin and yes, you guessed it, Cassie. Again, zero shits.

Clearly, Cassie and Colton became friends on Venmo because they had to start going halfsies on brunch now that ABC is no longer footing the bill. Something that I’m sure has caused a few issues in their relationship.

Colton: Why didn’t you pay me back?
Cassie: Why are you so obsessed with me?

Honestly, if I were Colton, I would want to spoil my own season, too. The poor dude has to be mortified after what’s gone down. I mean, we sat there and watched as the love of his life (LOL, cute) listed the pros and cons of being with him and ultimately came to the conclusion that she can make enough Instagram money without him. Can we really blame him for wanting us all to know that Cassie was reminded about the People magazine cover had a change of heart? No, we can not.

 

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@fabfitfun where you at? ⭐️⭐️ Follow @shesallbach for funny Bachelor memes ⭐️⭐️ • • • • #fabfitfun #fabfitfunspringbox #fabfitfunpartner #fabfitfunsummerbox #thebachelor #thebachelorette #bachelorinparadise #bachelormemes #thebachelormemes #bachelornation #bachelornation? #bachelorgang #bachelor #bachelorabc #bachelorfans

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So, there you have it. Colton chooses Cassie and he’s clearly convinced her to stay with him long enough so they can take a few staged photos in the kitchen for HelloFresh. It’s a win-win all around.

Now that I’ve done all of this investigative work for you (you’re welcome), the only thing left to do is wait for the finale. Which, BTW, is a two-night event because ABC can’t help but milk every last drop out of Colton’s tears.

Until then!

Images: shesallbach / Instagram; bachelorfanbase / Twitter

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap, people! ABC has been teasing all goddamn season that our favorite virgin who can’t drive would be jumping a fence at some point AND TONIGHT IS THAT NIGHT. Hold on to your rose, betches, because it’s finally happening! It’s been a dramatic few weeks for The Bachelor, what with Hometowns being last week and Colton’s virginity up for debate over a questionable Snapchat. For the record, I do think Colton’s a virgin (or at least v inexperienced), because only a virgin and 14-year-old boys trying to sound cool in a group chat would use the term “big tittied hoe.” Moving on. I’ve decided to make things interesting this week and drink every time I would jump a fence during one of these dates. Considering the three remaining women have the combined maturity of a baby’s rattle, I think we should start my funeral preparations now. Let’s get started!

This week starts off back at the last rose ceremony, with Colton asking Chris Harrison where he’s supposed to put it in. Jesus.

^^A deleted scene from this week’s episode!

Meanwhile, Colton just completely abandons the women in the other room. They’re like “I wonder what he wants to talk to Chris about?” and it’s like, don’t worry ladies! He’s only asking where a woman’s clit is—I’m sure he’ll figure it out by next week!

Colton heads back to the ladies to let them know that they’ll be going to Portugal this week for Fantasy Suites. Okay, the women look far too excited about the Fantasy Suites. They do realize that if Colton’s virginity story is actually to be believed, they’ll be lucky if he lasts through foreplay (assuming Chris Harrison even explained to him what that was).

Cut to a montage of all the women reminiscing on their good times with Colton. Cassie’s like, “It’s been an amazing journey” and then the camera pans to Colton grabbing her ass. I do love these producers sometimes. A+ cutting this episode!

TAYSHIA’S DATE:

First up this week is Tayshia, and I’ll be interested to see if Colton actually sleeps with her. I feel like he’s the most unsure about her, and I highly doubt he’s going to lose his virginity to a girl he’s unsure about. Plus, if there’s any girl he wants to put his dick in first it will be Cassie.

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Just when I thought our dates couldn’t get more adventurous…buckle up and tune in tonight ?✈️? #thebachelor

A post shared by TAYSHIA ADAMS? (@tayshiaaa) on Mar 4, 2019 at 5:01pm PST

For their date, they go on a romantic helicopter ride and honestly I’m bored. Tayshia’s not saying anything that makes me think Colton will sleep with her, but damn is she trying to.

TAYSHIA: So what else haven’t you done before?
COLTON: R u f*cking serious?

Okay, their banter makes me wish I was born without ears. Tayshia tells Colton that there are “ways to loosen that up” when he mentions his pants being too tight and she’s certainly referring to the obligatory hand job production told her she had to give him later tonight. You guys, the romance in the air tn, it’s unreal!

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton starts out the night by telling Tayshia he can see her boob tape, which is exactly what my senior year formal date told me about the deep-v Tobi dress I wore AND GUESS WHAT COLTON he didn’t get laid either! Jesus GOD. That is not how you woo a lady. Also, do we think she’s flashing him on purpose? Like as a subliminal message? “SLEEP WITH ME, PLEASE.”

I guess the boob tape didn’t work, because Colton tells her that he’s not ready to sleep with her just yet. He’s like “intimacy is a big step” and it’s like, he does realize he has to get engaged at the end of this right?

Damn. Tayshia is pulling out allllll the stops. After Colton tells her he’s not ready to sleep with her she tells him another sob story, because she knows there’s nothing that gets that guy harder than other people’s emotional duress.

TAYSHIA: I just have a lot of trust issues because my ex-husband cheated on me so…
COLTON: So I would never do that to you. I don’t even want to sleep with you right now!

Tayshia isn’t the only one pulling out all the stops, because this entire champagne scene must have been scripted in a writer’s room. They’ve got Colton over here talking about pressure to perform and then prematurely spraying champagne all over Tayshia. It’s a little heavy-handed, even for ABC.

Cut to the next morning and Tayshia’s like “that was interesting.” LOL. That’s not the way you wanna be described, Colton, I hate to say it! I love how Tayshia is trying to hard to make it seem like they did stuff last night and Colton keeps shutting it down by saying “it was a nice conversation.”

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I mean just ask @jordynwoods ….. ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #tv #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelornation #bachelorabc #meangirls #realitytvshow #realitytv #memes #funny #funnymemes #twitterquotes #funnytweets #redtabletalk #jordyn #khloekardashian #khloékardashian #khloe

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Yeahhh, she’s def going home this week. Better luck in Paradise, sweetie!

CASSIE’S DATE:

Cassie’s up next and I’m already alarmed by her outfit choice. Seriously, wtf are you wearing girlfriend? A turtleneck? On Fantasy Suite night?? The vibe she’s sending out rn is about as sexy as my period panties, but okay.

For their date, they amble around the town square and desecrate historical buildings by aggressively dry humping each other against them. I will say it’s pretty clear that Colton is only into Cassie at this point. A sweet old man tries to dance with her for a second, and Colton The Caveman is like “Hey that’s my girlfriend! My hands are on her ass and everything!”

They find a quiet spot overlooking the city to have a picnic, and watching them try to describe this breathtaking view with their limited vocabulary of “pretty” and “so cute” is making me want to throw this empty wine bottle at my TV screen.

COLTON: Did you think Portugal would be this pretty?
CASSIE: No, I had literally no idea. NONE. Nope. No.

THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE BOTH UNCULTURED SWINE. DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.

Colton admits to Cassie that her dad didn’t give him his blessing for marriage and she’s acting like she just realized this will all end in a marriage proposal. I’m sorry, but is this your first time watching The Bachelor or something? Is it just me, or does it feel like Cassie is looking for any excuse she can to be eliminated this week? First with the turtleneck, and now with the sudden passion for family values. I can’t.

CASSIE: I’ve never been this confused about something this big

Sweetie, it’s a fake TV engagement. It’s not that big of a deal.

OMG WHAT. Cassie’s dad, who looks less like a father figure and more like someone Scientology hired to to speak to the youths so they could fulfill their 2019 quota, just showed up in Portugal. I repeat: a father just showed up in Portugal. This is not a drill!! I can only assume he’s there to finish blowing up Cassie’s relationship with Colton, right? *turns up volume*

Lol. I love how her dad is acting like they’re super religious and believe in the sanctity of marriage, and it’s like, then you’re gonna have a real hard time watching the footage from this season because it’s mostly Colton slapping your daughter’s ass.

Cassie decides to break up with Colton because SURPRISE, SURPRISE she’s not mature enough for marriage. Kirpa, if you’re reading this, I hope you feel vindicated.

Meanwhile, Colton is out here lighting candles and strategically placing condoms throughout the suite. I’ve literally never been so giddy in my entire life to watch someone be emotionally ruined. Please carry on.

CASSIE: I thought it would bother you more that my dad hates you?
COLTON: It did but, like, I still want to bang you know?

Okay, she is not doing a good job of breaking this to him. She tells him that their love isn’t the same as her parents, and while I do think this show is stupid and her dad is right, I don’t think it’s fair to tell a person that their love isn’t right because it’s not like how love happened to you. This is such a bullsh*t excuse.

She is soooo bad at articulating her thoughts. She can’t even string a full sentence together! All she keeps saying is “I don’t know” and flipping her hair. She’s like a doll that only knows a few phrases and keeps repeating them until someone smashes her head off.

Cassie tries to walk away but Colton finds her hyperventilating by a bush. Omg did he just try and get another ass grab in?? Colton, stop making this decision easier for her!

Colton tells her he loves her and he would literally leave this show for her and she’s just like “Idk.” I can’t believe he just laid all his cards out like that!! He must really be panicking here.

COLTON: There’s no pressure to get married at the end of this.
THE PRODUCERS OVER HIS SHOULDER: 

Lol. Colton is like “I love you, I want to be with you” and Cassie just looks f*cking miserable. I don’t know why (it’s definitely the wine) but I can’t stop giggling watching this. The horror in her eyes as they hug combined with the sound of his goddamn body shaking in the background is sending me over the edge here. ABC, bravo.  

Colton walks Cassie out and she tells him that she wants him to be with someone who is insanely in love with her, and that feels like a very low blow. The man just said he’s only here for you and this is his own goddamn show!

WHAT. DID SHE JUST SAY I LOVE YOU? Cassie is sending Colton more mixed signals than Colton has about his sexuality all season.

At this point in the evening, I’m 3.5 glasses of wine deep, and every time Cassie breathes I start mentally chanting “fence jump.” I came here to watch a grown man cry and SO HELP ME I better get to see that happen.

We’re eight minutes until the end of the episode and Colton finally breaks. I’m sweating and I may or may not have just let out a high-pitched squeal that sent my dog running into the other room. IT. IS. HAPPENING. Y’ALL. 

I love that Chris Harrison is just lurking in the bushes. Someone is like “Chris can you get out here please” and he just pops out from behind some shrubbery. Is this what they pay you the big bucks for, buddy?

CHRIS HARRISON: I’m too old for this sh*t.

They start searching the streets of Portugal and Colton is nowhere to be found. Chris is like “there’s dogs barking down here.” and it’s like, okay Chris Harrison. Chill. You’re not on Chicago PD. No need to show off your detective skills here.

The episode ends with Chris Harrison and a camera crew looking for Colton on the streets of Portugal and whistling for him like he’s a damn dog. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if production was able to lure him out from behind some trash cans with a piece of cheese. Until then, Betches!

Images: ABC (2); Giphy (4); @tvgoldtweets / Twitter; @tayshiaaa /Instagram

Well, Bachelor fam, the end is in sight. And by “end” I mean the fence jumping scene obviously. This week is my favorite week of every season: Hometowns. Hometowns is always a fun episode, because we get to meet the women’s families and learn a little bit more about their daddy issues background. Plus there’s always at least one woman a season who introduces her less attractive sister who clearly could have been her if her face wasn’t paid for by modern science. Lest we forget Becca’s sister from last season, whose hair grew three inches every time a man lied about being in love with her sister. See? Fun!!

Surprise, surprise. ABC decides to start off an episode that’s meant to be about connecting with family and taking relationships to a deeper level with a close up of Colton’s wet, naked body. At least they’re playing to his strengths. That was a cheap shot, ABC, but I see why you had to do it.

Colton’s talking about what a struggle his journey has been as a white, conventionally attractive man who happens to be a virgin. The horror. He casually throws out Becca’s name and it’s literally the first time he’s mentioned her this entire season. Lol. I forgot he even dated her? How nice of him to start pretending for us he was ever into her.

CAELYNN’S HOMETOWN

Moving on. First up is Caelynn’s hometown, and Colton travels to Virginia to meet up with her, which is confusing because for the last 8 weeks anytime anyone has accidentally breathed in her direction she’s humble bragged about being Miss North Carolina. Do we think Caelynn wears her “Miss North Carolina” sash around Virginia or do you think she’s embarrassed because she could never win in Virginia and had to move to a different state to do so?

Colton spends approximately three seconds around Caelynn’s family before they’re already visibly disgusted by him. Imagine how you’d feel if you watched him for eight weeks, John!!

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Cheers to starting hometowns off right! ? #TheBachelor

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Caelynn’s sister pulls her aside for some “girl talk,” which is just a thinly veiled pep talk about how Caelynn needs to keep her head in the game and dump his ass so she can become the next Bachelorette. Honestly, I can’t even concentrate on what the sister is even saying because MY GOD what is happening on her eyeballs rn? Like, does she have a lazy eye? Is she just terribly bad at applying false eyelashes? Is she maybe a drunk? IS IT ALL THREE??

Okay, why is Caelynn’s family acting like Colton is America’s bad boy? Like, he’s about as threatening as a neutered golden retriever. The only person who is talking any sense here is John, Caelynn’s STEPdad, not her biological dad, who she has nothing to do with unless it helps her backstory to go farther in this franchise.

JOHN: Let me just ask you though, do you feel like he might be gay?

HAHA. SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, JOHN.

Lol. John is amazing. He’s like “why can’t you just be friends tho?” and it’s it’s like, give it some time sweetie. Caelynn’s got about one more week left on this show and then she’ll be singing his praises about what a good guy he is and how she’s just ready to find love herself.

John sits down with Colton next. This should be good. Wait is Colton already asking for her hand in marriage? Why is he making this so weird?

COLTON: I don’t think I love your daughter at all but IF I have to bite the bullet in two weeks do I have your blessing to get married?

Christ, Colton. At least PRETEND like you’re not this close to dumping her! Come on. Have some tact.

Also the look on John’s face at the thought of his daughter being won over by the human equivalent of Humpty Dumpty is f*cking priceless. The date ends with Caelynn telling Colton she’s falling for him and Colton saying it back with about as much enthusiasm as someone who had to be prompted with a cue card that said “SAY IT BACK” (which is absolutely what I assume happened here).

HANNAH’S HOMETOWN:

Next up is Hannah’s hometown, so Colton heads down to Alabama. WAIT. Both Hannahs this season are from Alabama? Can you imagine if the other Hannah had made it to Hometowns and not only were they battling it out for a spot in the Fantasy Suite but also to see who was the better Alabama Hannah? What a missed opportunity, ABC!

For their date, Hannah makes Colton go to an etiquette class so he can learn how to be a Southern gentlemen. Lol k. Like, last time he and Hannah were together he slapped her ass on national television and vigorously rubbed himself on her behind a bush. I think we’re wayyyy past that, Han.

MISS SUE: Don’t worry, just be yourself! Except not the self who just buttered that biscuit like an uncivilized circus animal.
ALSO MISS SUE AND COLTON:

Hannah’s like “that was such a fun day!” meanwhile, Colton looks like he just lived through Vietnam. I can’t wait to see how his newly defeated state of mind plays out when he meets the parents!

Okay, why does Hannah’s mom look like one of Melissa McCarthy’s aliases in Spy? And her Aunt looks like a poor man’s Kate Gosselin? Like, what am I looking at here?? 

I love how Hannah’s parents disapprove of her dating a man on national television who is also dating 25 other women, but they approve of her budding career as an Instagram thirst trap. Like, your daughter has 600,000+ followers on Instagram, fake dating a man for publicity is probably the least this girl will do for an Instagram partnership.

HANNAH G: I’m just really falling for Colton you know?
HANNAH G’S MOM:

YOU GUYS I LITERALLY CAN’T UNSEE IT.

Colton says he’s falling for her, and she says it back with about as much emotion as someone with vacant doll eyes can possibly have. That said, I do think she’ll make it to next week. Hannah, you’re one lucky girl! Here’s hoping he lasts longer than the obligatory handjob she feels like she has to give him. 

TAYSHIA’S HOMETOWN

Colton meets Tayshia in her hometown and she immediately pulls out a red blindfold and gets Colton into the position. Uh oh, Colton. You better watch out or you might be losing your v-card in Tayshia’s red room of pain.

HAHA. Okay, so Tayshia isn’t surprising him with something kinky, instead they’re just going skydiving. Colton, however, looks like he would have rather had a spanking then be forced to jump out of a moving plane.

COLTON: I guess I really shouldn’t have made her bungee jump that one time…
ALSO COLTON: *blubbering* but I don’t want to die a virgin!!

Y’ALL. THAT SCREAM. That was the least attractive thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I hope Tayshia gets cut this week because idk how she’s going to be able to take that scream in the bedroom.

Moving on. We get ready for Colton to meet Tayshia’s family for the first time and her dad is like “Colton is gonna have to be a superstar.” Yeah, you might want to lower that bar, sir. Like, to the floor.

Colton walks in and he is VERY confident for a man who just screamed like a girl on national television. He’s like “I feel like I can do anything now that I didn’t wet myself jumping from that plane like I thought I would.”

Okay, is Colton just going to repeat the exact same speech to every father? Like, he’s not even subbing in any individualized details for each girl. Meanwhile, Tayshia’s dad is practically begging Colton to dump her. He’s like “she’s been divorced once already, please don’t make me pay for another one.”

OMG. He just told Colton he doesn’t have his permission to marry his daughter! I have so much respect for this dude now. THANK YOU for not negotiating with these terrorists ABC and giving into their demands that he not hate Colton’s guts.

TAYSHIA’S DAD: You can’t just microwave a relationship.

COLTON:

Okay, I’m rescinding my earlier respect comment because Tayshia’s dad just CAVED and gave Colton his blessing. He’s like “I feel content to say yes to Colton” and it’s the most lukewarm response I’ve ever heard, and I’m wondering how they managed to keep the gun the producer is holding to his head off camera.

CASSIE’S HOMETOWN

Last up is Cassie’s hometown. If you’ll recall, last week Cassie was almost sent home when she was called out for being too immature and not ready for marriage, but then didn’t because Colton decided that he didn’t care so long as he got laid. I paraphrase.

Cassie takes Colton surfing for their date because apparently it’s her “favorite thing to do.” I’m sure she also loves grabbing a beer with the guys and watching the big game because she just “gets along better with guys.” Mmkay, Cassie.

Okay, how much do we think Colton is going to emasculate himself trying to surf? Oh, as much as possible I guess. He’s flopping around all over the place and it’s like, I thought you were a professional athlete? Where is that athleticism that had you riding the bench for one season? Hmm?

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Feeling the love in the California sunshine ☀️ #TheBachelor @coltonunderwood

A post shared by bachelorabc (@bachelorabc) on Feb 25, 2019 at 6:21pm PST

Colton takes a break from humiliating himself in the waves to ask her if she sees a future with him and she’s like “uhhhhh.” Okay is this not EXACTLY what Kirpa and Tayshia tried to say last episode?? Like, Cassie and Colton might have the most chemistry I’ve seen all season (besides that hug between Colton and Ben last week which was positively sizzling), but Cassie is not here to get married. She’s here for Instagram likes and possibly her own spinoff.

Cut to Colton meeting the family and they are…very blonde. Is it just me or does her family look like they’re their own cult?

Also, I love that all the families meet Colton and then immediately tell the girl not to settle. It’s like they were all for them being on The Bachelor until they actually met the Bachelor and realized he has the desirability of a wet sock. At least Colton didn’t open with “did you know that in our past lives we were siblings!!”

Okay, I’m low-key appalled by Cassie’s behavior during this date. Her parents try and voice their concerns to her and she’s acting like me when my mom tried to tell me it was inappropriate to walk around in public wearing a shirt that said “my eyes are up here” at aged 14.

CASSIE’S DAD: You’re only 23 and marriage is a big commitment.
CASSIE: 

Yeah, she seems ready to be spiritually and legally bound to someone for the rest of her natural-born life.

Cassie doesn’t tell Colton she’s falling for him AND her father flat out refuses to give his blessing. Normally, this is the kiss of death for most girls who get this far, but I have a feeling Colton would go on strike and refuse to do another shower scene if Cassie didn’t at least make it to the Fantasy Suite.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Going into the rose ceremony, I feel like I already know who’s going home. but sure ABC, why not continue to waste our time. As much as Cassie should go home because it’s so clear that she’s only on this show for Instagram likes, I feel like Colton is going to follow his heart dick and keep her around for another week.

Annnnd Caelynn goes home, where I’m sure she will continue to campaign for her spot as the next Bachelorette from afar. To be fair, she knew it was over the second he picked Tayshia and it was down to just her and Cassie.

Meanwhile, Cassie looks more emotional about Caelynn leaving than she has anytime Colton has ever professed his feelings for her. WAIT. Did Caelynn just whisper “get engaged” as her parting words to Cassie?? Y’all, I feel like these two have some shady hidden agenda happening on the side, and those last words to Cassie are only confirming this for me. 

Well, betches, that’s a wrap for this week! And if you thought watching Colton ask for four hands in marriage wasn’t torture enough, next week we get to listen to him moan behind closed doors on Monday, and see what cosmetic enhancements the women have gotten since they gained 500,000 instagram followers at the Tell All on Tuesday. See you there!

Images: Giphy (5); @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); ABC (2)

Welcome back Bachelor fans to another week where Colton didn’t jump the fence because that is definitely all I’m watching for at this point. Look, I appreciate that ABC is just trying to build some tension in what would otherwise be a very blonde boring season of The Bachelor, but I’ve had a day, and was really hoping to watch someone emotionally self-destruct for my viewing pleasure. Is that too much to ask for?? Sighs. Moving on.

This week the crew is headed to Colton’s hometown of Denver, and we know this because Colton talked about it when he recorded another sad, handwritten entry of his vlog. Seriously, what is with the home movie stuff here? ABC spends a disgusting amount of money on production every season and I feel like half of this season has been recorded on Colton’s iPhone.

Colton is still at an emotional crossroads over the truth bomb Katie left him with at the last rose ceremony. If you’ll recall last week, not one, not two, but THREE WOMEN told Colton he’s basically screwing himself with the women he has left on his season.

COLTON: *chooses only hot blondes whose combined age is second semester college senior*
ALSO COLTON: Why is this happening to me?
ME:

It’s a mystery, Colton!

Cassie’s like “last week someone told Colton that there were girls here who aren’t ready to be married, which is so false.” Says the girl who is currently wearing a top from Forever21. Please. Spare me your lecture, honey.

Meanwhile, Colton spends some time getting advice from a person who also went through the Bachelor process and came out on top single and alone: Ben Higgins. Ah, now I see where the budget went for this season, bringing back this reject. First of all, WHY is Colton even getting advice from Ben? It’s not like Ben even has a successful Bachelor story! Second of all, why do I feel like Colton is about to ask him how long he’s supposed to leave it in at the fantasy suite?

TAYSHIA’S DATE

This week there’s going to be three one-on-one dates and a group date. Tayshia gets the first one-on-one date because she is not blonde and is old enough to legally rent a car, so I guess Colton wants to at least pretend like he’s considering her for our sake. It’s cute that he still thinks we give a sh*t.

Lol. Okay, who else thinks Colton rented out that dog for their date? I’m pretty sure Sniper was a yellow lab when Becca went home with him last season. Colton, that dog is an imposter!

For their date, Colton wants to show Tayshia all that Denver has to offer, which is apparently an ice cream shop and the food court at the mall. Seriously, where is this heart-to-heart they’re having taking place? In between the Dippin’ Dots and the Sbarro Pizza?

Cut to the house, where Cassie and Caelynn are freaking tf out over Tayshia’s date. They think she’s going to throw them under the bus for not being here for the “right reasons”, which is absolutely what she does. Tayshia tells Colton that Cassie and Caelynn are only there because they want to be the next Bachelorette. You mean to say that the adult woman who still competes in pageants and the girl who’s already been on one reality tv show before coming on this one might only be in it for the Instagram partnerships?!

Tayshia starts telling Colton a little about her family, and it’s clear that her dad is 100% going to despise Colton if they meet next week. She’s like “it might be tough at first” and it’s like, Tayshia, Colton was scared of Tia a 5’3 former Miss Weiner, Arkansas, you really think he’s going to make it out of that meet and greet without sh*tting his pants? I don’t think so. 

COLTON:

I just vomited in my mouth a little. But I guess Tayshia is into it because he gives her the rose, which is good for me because I’m looking forward to watching Colton wet himself when he meets Tayshia’s dad next week. Should be a good time!

CAELYNN’S DATE

Caelynn also gets some alone time with Colton this week. For their date, he takes her skiing. FYI, Colton, skiing is actually something Denver has to offer unlike that tour of Auntie Anne’s you took Tayshia on. Bravo, you’re learning.

I will say Caelynn looks amazing in her ski gear. If someone asked me to show up on national television wearing six layers of clothes I would look less like a snow bunny and more like that girl who turned into a blueberry at Willy Wonka’s factory.

Colton mentions Tayshia’s concerns to Caelynn and it’s like how FUNNY that he’s having this talk with a girl who supposedly said she wants to be the next Bachelorette when she is COINCIDENTALLY the frontrunner to be the next Bachelorette. Lol. The look on Caelynn’s face rn is all but screaming “did you talk to my producer about that because I thought those conversations were private.”

Honestly, she’s just mad because she needs to at least make it to hometowns to be considered for Bachelorette, and Tayshia is really jeopardizing that for her. I see right through you, girlfriend.

Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton is like “I need more from her this week” as if her baring her personal trauma two weeks ago isn’t enough for him. Like, what more do you want this girl to share with you??

CAELYNN: I’ve shed so many tears over you
COLTON: You shed tears for me?

Why do I feel like he’s going to go home and beat one out to that statement?

Colton gives Caelynn a rose, so she’ll be going to hometowns as well. He thinks that she’s ready to get engaged because she said it and with a straight face and everything. Oh, Colton. You stupid f*cking oaf. You deserve the girlfriend who’s contractually obligated to stay with you for 2-3 months you’ll get at the end of this.

Back at the house, Caelynn tells Cassie about the Tayshia backstab and Cassie looks piiiissed. How DARE Tayshia try and sabotage your Sugar Bear Hair deal, and when you’ve let Colton feel you up for the last three episodes and everything!

CASSIE: Are my words going to be twisted too??

If by “twisted” you mean “taken verbatim from your mouth,” then you f*cking bet they are, Cassie!  

ALABAMA HANNAH’S DATE

Alabama Hannah gets the next one-on-one date and Colton picks her up in a $90k car?! HE’S SO GENUINE YOU GUYS. So down to earth and chill.

I guess Colton ran out of fun Denver things for Hannah to do because he just takes her to his house. Hannah looks so excited about meeting his parents but I sort of feel like this is the kiss of death for her. It’s never good if they meet the parents before the final two.

Okay Colton and his dad look exactly alike except his dad actually looks masculine. Honestly, Mr. Underwood, you can call me!

Also, I love that he’s getting advice on how to have a successful marriage from a guy who’s been divorced. I can’t wait to see how this advice works out for you, Colton!

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Alabama Hannah shows up dressed like the South has risen again. Like, what is she wearing?! It’s like she recycled her slutty Scarlett O’Hara costume from college for this date.

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Hannah Brown | The Bachelor | Season 23 Episode 7 — •Rachel Zoe Dress – $595.00 •Several Similar Items Under $50 Listed on TheStyleSpotter.com — Purchase Link, Info & Similar Items: TheStyleSpotter.com ? (Link in bio!) • • • • #thebachelor #bachelor #bachelorette #thebachelorette #beccakufrin #louisvuitton #nordstrom #liketoknowit #fashionblog #shopstyle #fashionblogger #taylorswift #selenagomez #arianagrande #celebrity #celebritystyle #tv #bachelornation #coltonunderwood #willyouacceptthisrose #rose #roseceremony #bachelorabc #bachelorwatchparty #rachelzoe

A post shared by The Style Spotter (@the_style_spotter) on Feb 18, 2019 at 6:57pm PST

OMG. IS HE SENDING HER HOME?? I don’t get Colton. Hannah is legit the only girl to admit she has any feelings for him other than mild attraction and so he sends her home?? Honestly, I’m done with you, Colton.

THE GROUP DATE

The last group date of 2019 is here and it is tense. Cassie, Hannah G, Kirpa, and Josie Grossy are all fighting for the last two hometown spots. Colton decides that there’s no better way to break the tension than by taking the girls to tweetsie railroad! It’s funny that’s the exact same ploy I used when the two girls I used to babysit would fight, but okay.

Okay, how many times is Colton going to get dumped this season? Josie Grossy sends herself home and this is just so the opposite of The Bachelor. So, what? They’re all just gonna dump him and he’s stuck with whoever is left at the end? Like, is this The Bachelor or a week of me going on Hinge dates?

Colton confronts Cassie about the commitment rumors and she can barely string together a coherent sentence to defend herself. She’s like “there’s no truth to those rumors except don’t check the dailies, k?”

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Mood going into tonight knowing I’m contractually obligated to stay silent ?

A post shared by Cassie Randolph (@cassierandolph) on Feb 18, 2019 at 3:18pm PST

I will say she’s saying all the right things, not that it’s going to take much to convince Colton to keep her. She’s like “I wouldn’t bring you home if I didn’t feel this was real” which is basically code for “my sister is trying to be an actress and you coming into my house would really go a long way to getting her a SAG card.”

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton immediately decides that Hannah G looks amazing and apparently that’s enough for him to want to meet her family. He gives her a rose. Okay, is it just me or does Hannah G just embody the idea of “sit still look pretty.” Like I cannot believe this girl has made it all the way to hometowns when she has shown zero personality, barely spoken any words, and gotten involved in no drama. I’m astounded.

Okay WHAT. Is Caelynn seriously going to CRASH their date rn and help out her competition? This right here is why you placed but didn’t win at Miss America, Caelynn!!

Caelynn gives a very vague speech about following your heart and it’s exactly the excuse Colton was looking for to send Kirpa home without looking like a piece of sh*t, so he does.

He’s like “before this week I just wasn’t sure who was here for me and who was here for Instagram but now I just don’t care!” At least you’re being honest with yourself, Colton.

And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! ABC didn’t even attempt to tease the fence jumping scene for next week’s episode which means we have at least two more weeks until someone has an emotional breakdown on our screens and I’m not pleased AT ALL. But then again, what else is new?

Images: Giphy (4); @cassierandolph /Instagram (1); @the_style_spotter /Instagram (1); ABC (2)

It’s an inconvenient truth that many reality stars have been on more than one show. Stassi Schroeder was on The Amazing Race before she became your favorite member of the Witches of WeHo, Cameran Eubanks was on The Real World before she was Shep’s unrequited love on Southern Charm, and Colton Underwoods’s favorite just-the-tip partner, Cassie, was on a reality series called Young Once. I’m shocked! Scandalized! Offended! Actually, I’m kidding. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but reality stars all just want to be famous, and they’ll go on as many shows as it takes. My apologies if you’re the last person on Earth who thought Bachelor contestants were there for “the right reasons.” Have they told you about the tooth fairy yet? I sure hope so. Fictional concepts aside, here’s what I was able to learn about Cassie’s reality show, Young Once.

Young Once describes itself as a “television docuseries which follows a group of students from one of North America’s most conservative schools, where alcohol, drugs and sex are off-limits. Woven between the campus pranks, romances and finals, is a funny and endearing coming-of-age story that doesn’t take itself too seriously but shows the depth and contemplative nature of the students.” Sounds boring af. Wait. Does this mean that if if no one is having sex you can call your reality show a “docuseries?” Mike Fleiss, you can change the marketing for this season. The Bachelor: Colton Edition is definitely a docuseries. BURN.

So here’s the deal. The first season of Young Once aired in 2016 and followed Cassie and her boyfriend at the time, Caelan (not to be confused with Caelynn), as they drank virgin piña coladas, watched Leave it to Beaver, and dry humped on an IKEA couch, exclaiming, “the contract says this is okay!” I paraphrased that quote, and most of their activities, but according to all the lovelies on the bachelor subreddit, students do have to sign a no-sex contract. (Please don’t tell my dad those exist!) That no-sex contract sounds worse than the contract I signed for my shoebox Upper West Side apartment, and that one required me to cook on a hot plate for a year. Then, in 2018, Cassie and Caelan went back and filmed season 2, which is airing now and follows Cassie and her slightly tweaked face as she and Caelan are at a crossroads in their relationship. Spoiler alert: the relationship ends.

As people got wind of this show airing at the same time as The Bachelor and featuring Cassie with a maybe-boyfriend, Bachelor Nation was naturally up in arms. They will not abide a contestant dating more than one person at a time! It’s only okay when the leads do it! So Cassie and Caelan each addressed the controversy on Instagram, the People magazine of millennials. Let’s take a look:

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I’m posting this here so no words can be misconstrued. As many know, my ex girlfriend is currently a contestant on the tv show The Bachelor. The both of us have also appeared on a documentary series called Young Once. The show catches you up on our lives as the first season was shot at Biola University while we were still going to school there. They happened to catch the closing of mine and Cassie’s on and off relationship during the recording of this show. Make no mistake that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is a strategy to attract viewers. Both Cassie and I made mistakes in our relationship, but I think we’d both agree it dragged out much too long anyways. This is because I persistently pursued a reunion and she knowingly kept the door open at times because of indecisiveness, neither of which matters because it has been over for good since before she went on The Bachelor. However, it can be said without a doubt that her and I were not a fit for each other. Also, I’m sure there are millions of breakups that have lasted longer than they should have and nobody should be held at fault for that. The reality of the situation is that Cassie is a great girl. Her decision to go on The Bachelor was a decisive moment in my life to move forward so why couldn’t it serve as that for her as well? If I met my dream girl a month after our final closing this summer that would just be how God had it planned for me. Nobody has the right to tell her whether or not she has good intentions. So although the full truth may not be out…not everybody’s business needs to be on reality tv. Cassie will eventually explain her side and I endorse whatever she says because there is no reason for her to hide the truth. I wish her nothing but success and happiness moving forward. I post this because of the outlets who reached out to hear “my side” and because I heard Cassie was receiving a lot of negativity for our past relationship. I thought this would be the best way to preserve the truth and encourage the trolls to check themselves before tearing down a good human being. Life is about moving forward, not dwelling on the past ?

A post shared by Caelan Tiongson (@caelantiongson) on Feb 6, 2019 at 4:54am PST

Oh hi, Caelan, you’re cute! Want to replace a Bachelor I know? In his post, Caelan basically says that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is “a strategy to attract viewers.” No duh. And you posting about this show is also “a strategy to attract viewers.” Ain’t nobody better than anybody else here, pal! The rest is basically a boring company line, so let’s take one more look at his pretty face instead.

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2018…you had your moments, but you were also filled with disappointment and tough life lessons. However, these low points helped close chapters that were long overdue and now there is no place else to look but up ?? 2019, here’s to trusting in God’s plan more than ever before! Have a safe and happy New Year everyone!

A post shared by Caelan Tiongson (@caelantiongson) on Dec 30, 2018 at 7:58pm PST

Caelan’s explanation is pretty much what you would expect from any PR person. Cassie’s explanation, on the other hand, is very suspicious. Let’s analyze.

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I’m getting a lot of questions about my ex and a docuseries we filmed before Bachelor. While I don’t feel it is necessary that I share all the details, a lot of people are curious and the worst thing is false rumors. I didn’t want to address this without his permission, but he posted about it today so I think it’s good if I do too. Caelan and I dated all through college and in 2015 we filmed Young Once. A while after our breakup we put our past behind us and became friends again. We share a lot of mutual friends and he is close to my family. We both dated other people and had moved on. While we were never officially a couple again, there was a time last spring that we considered getting back together, but that didn’t work out. I was open to staying friends, but he understandably thought this was too hard. Just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean we now hate each other and don’t care about the other. It just wasn’t right for us. Since I was the one saying we couldn’t be together, this was extra hard for him. Relationships are complicated and navigating isn’t usually straight forward. We were on and off for so long that turning it off for good was a difficult decision as I truly didn’t want to regret giving up if we were meant to be. But certain things were unhealthy and it became clear we were supposed to move on. Over the summer, unexpectedly and out of the blue, we were contacted by YO and learned they were considering a S2- a follow up on some of the original cast. This again put Caelan and I directly back in each other’s lives as our social circle overlaps. One of the storylines highlighted is our drawn out/complex relationship and the challenges of us staying friends post breakup and whether it is possible or not. We filmed for several weeks prior to Caelan heading to Asia to play pro basketball and before I found out that I was cast for Bachelor. The timing of everything was completely chance. I care very much about Caelan and I want nothing but the best for him and his life. Meanwhile I am back to real life, focusing on grad school, working and trying to remain grounded as I balance this new intense scrutiny of my life.

A post shared by Cassie Randolph (@cassierandolph) on Feb 6, 2019 at 3:29pm PST

Okay, a glamour shot. Sure. Very relevant to the caption! Way to take a page out of Jenna’s playbook. I guess Cassie doesn’t want to hurt Colton’s feelings by posting an old picture with someone who has more sex appeal in his left pinky than Colton has in his entire spray-tanned body. Makes sense. Cassie claims that during the second season of Young Once she and Caelan were never a couple again, and I can’t dispute this fact since I never watched this show, never will, and I think she knows that. Clever.

What I would like to point out is that Cassie claims they filmed before she knew she was going on The Bachelor. OH, REALLY? Because according to Reality Steve, Young Once was filmed TWO WEEKS before Cassie went on The Bachelor. If you believe she didn’t know she was going on The Bachelor at that point, then you must also believe that the world is flat, and that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting back together, and I believe that I don’t want to know you. I understand Cassie not wanting to look like a two-timer, but didn’t that conservative Christian college tell you thou shalt not lie? Or did they forget that lesson while they were busy policing the students’ drinking habits?

And that’s Young Once! Have any of you actually watched it? Do I dare tear my eyes away from Russian Doll to give it a chance? Let me know!

Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy; caelantiongson, cassierandolph/Instagram