Well, it’s May, and for the love of god, enough with the Justin Timberlake jokes. If someone tells me, “It’s gonna be Maaay,” in a voice more annoying than Anna Kendrick’s one more time, please never fucking speak to me again.
Although you’ve probably been in denial about it since like, January, it’s officially time to say goodbye to shitty house parties and the past four years (or more if you’re like, a show-off) that you drank away. It’s about that time when you start counting down how many more Dollar Beers or Thirsty Thursdays or whatever your weekly alcoholic pseudo-holiday is that you have left.
You will soon be forced to join
the Dark Side adulthood. It’s a hard, violent fall where you’ll break a lot of shit and the worst part is realizing it is no longer acceptable to puke and rally, especially at an office holiday party. I know your sorority usually condones this type of behavior, but everyone needs to go through this transformation in life. If Snooki can go from getting arrested on a public beach at like, 3pm to soberly doing arts and crafts with her two kids, then so can you.
It’s obvious that the cap and gown you have to wear is hideous and looks like a huge garbage bag flailing in the wind. You’ll need something that turns heads because this is the whole fucking school we’re talking about. Unfortunately, your ceremony probably doesn’t have a theme so you can’t take the easy way out and wear the outfit you wore to that Anything But Clothes party.
You need the betchiest dress that says, “I may or may not have puked this morning, but I am Beyoncé, always,” along with a pair of sexy heels that won’t cause you to pull a Lizzie McGuire when you walk across that stage.
1. The Classic LWD
In addition to possessing a LBD, every betch should own a little white dress. Tbh, I’m not really sure where the tradition for wearing white to graduation originated, but you really can’t go wrong with the color. White is supposed to symbolize, like, purity or something, so I guess you should wear white to cleanse yourself all of those times you hugged the toilet at a frat house. Your parents will be so proud of their little angel girl when you get that diploma.
This flirty off the shoulder shift dress says, “I totally blacked out and ugly cried at the bar last night when ‘Good Riddance’ came on, but at least I showed up to my graduation on time.”
Pair with a Vince Camuto bootie to add flair and extra stability for the stage.
2. An Elegant Maxi
This is for the girl who can breeze through a final even though her first time cracking the textbook open was the night before. A maxi requires the least amount of effort possible, but always manages to make everyone feel as though you have graced them with your presence.
When you excuse yourself to the bathroom several times to quickly vom, no one will ever suspect a thing, because this dress says you’re too classy for that. I guarantee you’ll feel like that badass dragon queen in Game of Thrones when you stride across the stage.
But here’s the dress:
Pair with the thin ankle strap heel all your favorite celebs are wearing right now. The extra wide heel makes sitting and standing for long hours bearable.
3. The Perfect Cocktail Dress
A fitted party dress shows everyone you are two things every betch should be:
Fabulous but evil Classy and fabulous. You have the confidence, looks, and the brains. Most of us are lucky if we get have two of these, so if you agree that you have it all, I probably hate you.
This dress comes in a wide range of colors (black included), but consider this deep purple because it’s just as good as black, it’s just as cute as black, and when did it become okay for one color to be the boss of everything? You should totally just pick purple.
Pair with Sarah Jessica Parker block heel sandals in a contrasting bright shade of purple or a neutral brown. They come with a tassel and for whatever reason why, apparently tassels are all the rage right now.
4. Skater Or Wrap Dress
If you’re looking for a dress that hides the freshman 15 or senior 20 you gained, I can’t really think of a dress more perfect than this style. No one has to know how many times you gave in to drunk pizza. It hugs your waist while providing a flowy illusion so you won’t have to suck in during pictures.
Plus it comes with a V fetch black floral print that’s even more flattering.
Pair with Stessy pumps that take a modern twist on the timeless basic essential. Get them in pale pink or nude.
5. The V Versatile High-Low Dress
For the betches who enjoy sipping rosé on an outdoor patio but can also shotgun a beer at a dage, a high-low dress is for you. They’re great for aggressively whipping the fishtail when you walk by people and making them feel like peasants because what they can do, you can always do better. Now, you’ll have a degree to vouch for that. And remember, when in doubt, always wear red.
Pair with Jessica Simpson’s bold patterned Doreena sandals to add some color. Don’t freak about the heel height because the thick platform will give you all the balance you need.