It’s that time of year again: a new army of skanks 18-year-old betches are spreading their wings and heading to our nation’s best party schools universities. For the next four years, they will drink, sporadically attend class, and meet the man who they will affectionately remember as “the worst fucking person I’ve ever met in my life,” and they’ll do it all while living in a tiny cinder block box commonly referred to as a dorm room. Once you’ve killed made friends with your roommate, it is time to figure out your room’s aesthetic. Decorating a dorm room is one of the most stressful things about being in college. Some people will tell you it’s “the coursework,” but those people are narcs. Have fun in the library, narcs! For the rest of us, college is 90% social, 10% academics (with 5% of that 10% being staring at the hot guy in your bio lecture) so we’re here to tell you what kind of message your decorating style is sending. You know, in case you ever actually get said hot guy in your bio lecture’s attention and end up fucking studying together. Pay attention, because you don’t want to be the weird girl on your floor.
The Free People Groupie
If you have a dreamcatcher hanging anywhere in the room, you’re probably try a little too hard to convince people that you’re chill. That doesn’t mean you’re not chill, it just means you need to shut up sometimes. You’re the girl who has a tapestry from Urban Outfitters hanging on the wall and a couple of deliberately placed bongs elephant statues and you can’t shut up about how you’re going to backpack around Asia after graduation. You’ll start smoking a lot of weed and your floor will be covered in dirty clothes by October. At your 10 year reunion, you’ll discover your “weed dealer” was selling you stems the whole time which is so crazy because you’re sure you were high.
The Classy Minimalist
You are dorm goals. How are you 19 but your half of the room somehow looks like a literal West Elm catalog? Where did you get those succulents? You have an aesthetic that most can only aspire to, and you’re probably an architecture major. Is that a gallery wall? Where the fuck did you get so many frames? You’ll get a bid from the top sorority despite the fact that you didn’t even sign up for rush and will disappoint everyone by going into charity work instead of becoming the social media stylist we all knew you could be.
The Poster Whore
Posters are a cheap and easy way to add some personal flair and immediately tell people way too much about yourself. We like Justin Bieber as much as the next girl, but not everyone needs to know that the second you invite them over. You’re the type of freshman who will make out with a guy on the dance floor of a frat basement during the first week of school and spend the rest of your four years upset that he never texted you. And no, Marilyn Monroe did not say that, that Polonius guy did.
The Monogram Addict
As a general rule of thumb, your room should not have any Lilly Pulitzer that you didn’t receive as a gift. The Monogram Addict tells everyone that her laundry hamper is monogrammed so no one would steal it, but we know you’re really just bougie like that. Your life won’t start for real until you’re in a sorority and then you’ll have a whole new set of letters to plaster all over everything. Next Step: Bully some poor frat bro into giving you an MRS degree. You wear pearls and pink lipstick non-ironically. You’ve probably only tried weed once, and it made your stomach hurt. Welcome to college, girlie!
The Bare Wall Girl
You’re either a serial killer or you’re that girl who literally didn’t care enough to put one decoration on the walls. Tbh we identify with this. Looking back on it, why did we care so much about putting shit on the walls when we were usually blackout by the time we got back to our room anyway?
The Homesick Decorator
Your only decorations are three million photos from home and a fugly frame that all your high school field hockey teammates signed. Your group text from your high school friends is the most important thing in your life, and you probably have a boyfriend who’s in school back home. Tbh nobody will even know who you are since you spend most of your time in your room Skyping people from your hometown. Good luck, we’ll miss you when you transfer!
The Classic Betch
Obviously the best kind of style. Your room is cute and decorated without looking like you spent nine hours at Bed Bath & Beyond. You have candles even though they’re against the rules because you’re about that life. Do we spot a Shop Betches pillowcase? Good girl. You can sit with us.
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