Olivia Jade’s Fake Rowing Resume Got Leaked & It’s So F*cking Funny

It’s been a while since we really talked about what’s going on with Lori Loughlin’s legal situation, but there have been some important developments in recent weeks. We don’t yet know when Lori and Mossimo’s trial will start, but as the legal process moves forward, we’ve gotten more information about the details of the case, and the whole thing is basically like a car crash that I can’t look away from. Or like, a rowboat crash that I can’t look away from.

Today, a key piece of evidence in the case was released: Olivia Jade’s rowing resume that was submitted to USC. Obtained by TMZthe resume contains a detailed list of Olivia’s crew achievements, and I’m obsessed with it. Quick reminder, in case you haven’t been following this whole thing closely: Olivia Jade has never rowed a day in her life. Keep reading if you want to feel better about using a friend as a reference on your job applications.

As a coxswain (the person who steers and keeps the pace on the boat), Olivia’s skill set is listed as “Awareness, organization, direction and steering.” As someone who is admittedly not a rowing expert, I have a few questions. Like, how does organization actually factor into this? Does she mean like, organizing stacks of paper? Keeping a planner? I don’t really think there’s much in a rowboat you’d need to keep tidy, but I’m glad she’s so organized. Also, are direction and steering not kind of the same thing? If someone told me they were good at steering, I would assume they could handle left and right. Whatever, I didn’t get into USC for rowing, so what do I know?

The craziest part of the resume is definitely the level of specificity it gets into about Olivia’s past rowing results. It lists specific finishes for several competitions, including Boston’s prestigious Head of the Charles Regatta. She also lists three college programs that she’s done, which all sound like they would be pretty intense. Did Olivia Jade, or whichever assistant wrote this, not realize that this amount of information could’ve been pretty easily fact-checked? If she knew she was going to get in regardless, why not just be like “yeah I used to row”? Everyone knows that when you’re lying on a resume, you have to keep things general enough that you can’t be easily caught! What is this, amateur rowing hour?

In the final paragraph about her achievements, the resume says that “she is highly talented and has been successful in both men’s and women’s boats.” Smh, she really did too much. Again, as long as the check cleared, she knew she was going to get in! Why go on and on about how talented she is when she probably doesn’t even know the difference between port and starboard? Are you impressed by my boat lingo? Okay, moving on.

In addition to the most padded resume ever, we’ve recently gotten some insight into just how Lori and Mossimo plan on talking their way out of this whole situation. Basically, no one is disputing the fact that they paid $500,000 to get their daughters into USC. But according to court documents from December, Lori and Mossimo’s plan is to argue that they believed the payments were “legitimate donations” to the University. Basically, they’re saying they thought they were doing normal rich person shady sh*t, not ILLEGAL rich person shady sh*t. An important distinction, truly. If that were true, I’m not sure why the whole rowing team charade would’ve been necessary in the first place, but hey, I’ve never bribed my way into college.

Olivia Jade at the beach for some “rowing practice”, probably:

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tiny girl. big mountain. 💙🙏🏼💙

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More recently, more court documents showed that Lori Loughlin is also accusing the US Attorney’s Office of withholding evidence that confirms her story. According to the documents, the government had interviewed a witness that corroborated that she thought the donation was legit, but they were hiding this information to make her look guilty. Over the weekend, the case’s prosecutors fired back at this allegation in what has to be one of the best legal clapbacks ever.

In the statement, the prosecution says that the witness had not yet been interviewed at the time Lori claimed the government was withholding the evidence. They said: “The government has broad powers, but they do not include mental telepathy or time travel. The government cannot disclose witness statements before the witnesses make them.” Lmao, they really said time travel.

So far, there’s no trial date on the books, but Lori has another status hearing at the end of this month, so there could be a date set then. It’s really too early to guess what will happen once Lori and Mossimo go to trial, but if the outcomes of some other admissions scandal cases are any indication, they should be scared. Last week, Douglas Hodge was sentenced to nine months in federal prison for paying $850,000 to get two of his kids into college. That’s the longest sentence for any of the parents yet, but Lori and Mossimo could be looking at similar sentences if things don’t go their way. Should’ve taken the plea deal like Felicity!

Images: Shutterstock; TMZ; oliviajade / Instagram

4 Secrets Nobody Tells You About Applying To College

In light of Loughlin-gate, colleges everywhere are being heavily scrutinized for how they admit students. Which, hi, they should be! I worked for a university’s admissions office for four years, and I was absolutely horrified by what these celebrities were able to get away with. *cue Grandpa voice* In my day, it didn’t f*cking work like that. Or maybe I just wasn’t aware of that part? In any case, if you don’t have rich parents willing to commit fraud, go to prison, and waste a quarter of a million dollars on you because you’re too stupid/lazy to do it the right way, let me help you out. I have some expertise in the area of applying to college that I don’t think a lot of people are aware of. These tips apply to both undergrad and grad school, and even if they don’t work for you, doing these things definitely won’t hurt. Remember, you’re an Elle Woods, who busted her ass to be smart enough for Harvard even though her daddy could have def written her a check. Don’t be an Olivia Jade. Nobody else will tell you these secrets about applying to college—not your guidance counselor, and not one of those giant books that list every stat of every college in the U.S. that your mom forces you to pore over (or was that just my experience applying to college?). Either way, you are welcome.

1. You Need An Edge

Let’s say you did everything right. You studied hard, got good grades, and took standardized tests six f*cking times for the same relative score. (Just me?) The problem is, there are thousands of other people exactly like you who are also applying to college. Same classes, same programs, same grades, etc. So why would they pick you over them? This is where your edge comes in. It used to be enough to have a 4.0 and high test scores, and now that’s somehow the basic standard. So especially if you’re below that threshold, you need something that makes you better/different than those identical kids. For me, it was my artist portfolio, because I went to film school for animation. Grades and test-wise, I was perfectly average for my school, but being a pretty good artist pushed me to be more competitive. If you have no talent in anything (sorry), find something else to do. Do a ton of community service, especially if it’s related to your major. You can help organize some kind of charity event that you can brag about later. It’s even better if it’s relevant to your field. Like, if you’re applying for psychology, maybe volunteer at a clinic, or try to get some research gigs to pad your resume. Whatever it is, try to come up with something that makes you better than average. Your edge can also be that your daddy bought a building (ugh), but let’s hope the school at least cares that your grades are good enough to actually attend the school, too.

2. They Keep Track of Contact

This is a weird one that I’m not sure every school does, but a lot of them do. Plus, it can’t hurt. Schools keep track of how many times you contact them to gauge your interest. It reflects poorly on admissions if they send out a certain number of acceptances and most people choose somewhere else. They really like to say sh*t like, “Oooh sorry, we only have a acceptance rate.” Whatever. Anyway, they are way more likely to accept you if you seem super stoked to go there and are, in their eyes, a guaranteed acceptance. This is why you have a way better chance of getting in (it’s like 30% higher) as an early decision or early action applicant. Early decision means it’s binding (if they accept you, you have to go) so only do this for your top choice, but early action means you still get to choose, so apply early to every school that offers it. In addition, contact them as often as you can without making it weird. You have to have legit reasons. Email admissions and tell them this is your first choice school if it is. Use all of your stalking skills for good (for once) to contact the head of your program. Tell them how much you want to be there for specific reasons (that you then list out). Go on a tour at the campus. Set up an interview if possible. Anything that is attached to your name will be logged, and this can very much be your “edge” when it comes down to you and an identical student. You showed more interest than Generic Good Students A-Z, so hopefully they’ll cancel each other out.

3. You Can Go Straight To Professors

Furthermore, stalking your future professors can also count as contact. But again, like, respect their privacy and don’t be creepy about it. What I mean is if you really want to go to this school, figure out who will be teaching you in whatever department you think you might want to major or take classes in. Did one of the head professors write a book? Read that f*cking book and email them about how much you loved it, and you can’t wait to learn from them for these reasons, and you’ll be applying in Fall 2019 so please look out for you. Did a professor work on one of your favorite movies? Same thing. Ask if they have tips for your portfolio for your application. No one does this, so they’ll probably be flattered and forward your email to the department head/admissions committee with a recommendation. If they never respond, no big deal, it didn’t do any harm. Unless of course you called their personal cell phone or showed up at their home. Don’t do that.

In all seriousness, though, cold emailing people is a useful skill you should start learning before college, because you have to do the same sh*t for jobs in the real world, only then they call it “networking”. The sooner you start practicing, the better you’ll get at it.

4. They Check How Dumb Your School Was

This one I found both funny and offensive. Admissions offices weigh your GPA based on how well your previous school is ranked, similar to how you get a weighted credit by taking an AP class. I went to an okay public school, where I graduated with a 3.8 GPA. My friend got into the same college as me with a 3.0. I was like, um, why and how? It’s because he went to a highly ranked college prep boarding school in Connecticut or some sh*t. His 3.0 was weighed higher than my 3.8, because I went to a dumb school and he went to a very rigorous program. This is important to know, especially when you’re up against identical students with perfect grades from better schools. If your current school is not ranked super high, your grades need to be even better, and you’ll need that edge even more. Don’t be discouraged, though. I turned out fine, and I still don’t even know basic geography.

Hopefully these tips will help you out before you start sending out applications! It’s never too early to start contacting people and planting those seeds. Do you have any more advice to people applying to school? Let me know your secrets in the comments!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)

Some Of Our Favorite Celebs Were Indicted In A Huge College Admissions Scam

It’s no big secret that the entire college admissions system in the US is f*cked up. College in general is way too expensive, there’s a huge amount of inequality based on race and income (among other things), and high schoolers are under a crazy amount of stress to figure out what they’re doing with the rest of their lives. And now, we have concrete evidence that the whole thing sucks even worse than we thought, because 40 people, including some celebrities, have been indicted for their involvement in a major college admissions scam.

The whole story truly isn’t that surprising, mostly because I watched Gossip Girl, but it’s still pretty disappointing to know that this stuff actually happens in real life. The whole scam was orchestrated by a guy named William Rick Singer, who arranged for people to pay someone else to take the ACT or SAT for their kids. Allegedly, the test fraud went down for between $15,000 and $75,000 a pop, which is truly some Chuck Bass type sh*t. I am curious about the prices though. Like, does paying more get you a 2390 instead of a 2280 on the SAT? Perfect scores definitely come at a cost.

The two biggest stars who have been charged thus far are Felicity Huffman (from Desperate Housewives) and Lori Loughlin (from Full House). Huffman allegedly paid $15,000 for her oldest daughter’s test scores to be boosted, but what Lori Loughlin did is next level. In addition to all the stuff that went down with fraudulent test scores, she reportedly paid $500,000 for her two daughters to be designated as recruits for the USC rowing team, even though the girls didn’t even row. That made it way easier for them to get accepted, which is seriously f*cked. Because apparently it’s not enough to have a famous parent to get into a good school these days. I’m so glad I graduated already, this is f*cking bleak. Also, the people who did crew at my school had to wake up at like 5am every day, so I really hope these spoiled girls at least had to go to some of the practices. Probs not, though.

The FBI agent in charge of the investigation made the following public statement:“We believe everyone charged here today had a role in fostering a culture of corruption and greed that created an uneven playing field for students trying to get into these schools the right way through hard work, good grades and community service.” Wow, rich people being greedy and corrupt, can’t think of anyone who fits that persona! *cough Trump cough*

Overall, it’s believed that over $25 million was exchanged over the course of this whole operation, and the schools involved include UCLA, Yale, Stanford, and Georgetown, among others. So far, 49 people have been indicted, including 33 parents and nine coaches at various universities. I’m sure that Felicity Huffman is far from the only famous person to pull some questionable strings to get their kid into college, so I’m guessing we’ll be hearing more about this in the weeks to come.

For now, my most pressing question is about William H. Macy. As you may or may not know, Felicity Huffman is married to none other than Frank from Shameless. Is he gonna be arrested too? Did he not know about the SAT money? I need to know!!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy