A Strongly Worded Letter Happy Birthday Collages

To the girl who just posted that clearly very time-consuming collage, 

We couldn’t help but notice it’s your best friend’s birthday. We don’t know this because we’re also friends with your bestie, or because we got a notification that it’s her birthday. No. We know this because you evidently went back in time and gathered every single photo you’ve ever taken together and slapped in into a collage-making program, then posted it on her wall for all of us to see. AND you tagged her in it. Like, okay. We know the whole “happy birthday” post situation was a big deal when writing on Facebook walls was actually a thing (and when Facebook walls were still a thing) and people uploaded new albums like, every two weeks, but that was a lifetime ago and it’s time to move on. Everyone knows it’s not cool to be overly active on social media anymore. I mean, just ask Kim K.

Here’s the thing. Your 35-photo birthday collage is excessive, and no one can even see any of the photos because you tried squeezing so many into one fucking frame. I mean, did we really need to see the same skinny arm pose of you guys from every semi-formal, Halloween, and New Years photoshoot from the last four years?

Oh, and don’t even pretend you’re actually posting this for your friend’s benefit. Do you even know how old she’s turning? I mean do you actually know without having to check her birth date on Facebook and do the math? Yeah, didn’t think so. If you were going to assault our eyes with this obnoxious collage, you could have at least pretended you did it for your friend’s benefit. For one, you could have chosen some pictures where her eyes were actually open—even if you didn’t look as skinny in that one. We know you compiled all of your best shots on your phone in the hopes that people will find this collage, actually look at it, zoom in on your face, and be like, “Wow, she looked great in Cabo that time. She prob looks like this everyday.”

And while we’re on the subject, could you at least vary up the word choice a little bit? If I have to see another post that starts with “From freshman year frat parties to our first real job and beyond” I’m gonna vomit. I get that you love your bestie, and that she’s “practically your sister from another mister,” but could you at least try to be original? I know that’s a lot to ask, coming from two people who pose the exact same way in every picture, but at least do it for my benefit if not for your bestie’s. 

Happy Birthday To Your Bestie (I Guess),

The Betches