Cole And Lili Broke Up Again, But This Time Feels For Real

For the six of you who are somehow still watching Riverdale, I’m so sorry. As we all know, we’re in a major period of celebrity breakups, and another couple has bitten the dust. Over the weekend, it was reported that Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse have broken up after three years of dating, and it seems like it might be real this time. I don’t know if there’s anyone who’s actually surprised about this, but I guess it’s still a big deal.

On Monday, People and Page Six both reported that sources confirmed that Cole and Lili are no longer together. According to the Page Six source, they “split before the pandemic hit, and have been quarantining separately.”  The source added that “they remain good friends,” because god forbid two celebs hate each other like normal exes. If this timeline is accurate, then I’ve got a long list of follow-up questions.

The biggest indicator of this split came last week, when Riverdale actor Skeet Ulrich slipped up on an Instagram Live. When asked by a viewer if he thinks Cole and Lili are a cute couple, he responded “I think they were a cute couple.” Lmao, WERE. His girlfriend, Megan Blake Irwin, chimed in, agreeing that they *were* a cute couple, and added that “they’re both beautiful people.” I love mess. How many angry texts do you think Cole and Lili sent Skeet after this? My guess is more than three, less than 12. How bizarre that in 2020, half of our celeb news comes from people saying things they weren’t supposed to say on Instagram Live. Mason Disick was ahead of his time.

As we all know, this is not the first time that Cole and Lili have been on the receiving end of breakup rumors. Last summer, it seemed like they allegedly (maybe?) broke up, but then they clapped back with that bizarre magazine cover and some smug Instagram captions. We never found out if they actually split up during that time, which is exactly how they wanted it.

But the current breakup apparently happened a couple months ago, which would explain last month’s rumors that Cole was hanging out with/dating/hooking up with Kaia Gerber. Of course, this led to a lot of speculation about the status of his relationship with Lili, but no one actually knew anything for sure. He seemed to respond to those rumors in an Instagram story, referencing “rumors and slander” and saying that “while I truly never intended to indulge any part of my private life to the ravenous horde, it’s clear my restraint in updating them has allowed them to push their own agenda onto my habits and lifestyle.” He also told everyone to “eat my delectable plump ass,” because of course he did.

I get that being an asshole on social media is kind of Cole Sprouse’s thing, but this couple has always rubbed me the wrong way. Cole and Lili have always been one of those couples who seem to want it both ways. Like, they star on a hit show together, and have done joint red carpets and magazine covers, but they always seem weirdly caught off-guard when their millions of fans are curious about their relationship. Of course, everyone is entitled to privacy, but Cole Sprouse has been at this a little too long to act surprised at people prying into his personal life.

I certainly wouldn’t expect any kind of confirmation from Cole and Lili on this one, but these sources feel pretty realistic to me. We always knew that this quarantine period was going to lead to a lot of shifts in celebrity couples, and now we can just add Bughead to the list of quarantine breakups. That being said, it wouldn’t shock me if they’re suddenly back together next time they have to do Riverdale press. The network heart wants what it wants!

Images: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com

The Most Dramatic Celebrity Breakups Of 2019

There are so many things to love about this time of year. The bottomless supply of baked goods, the wall-to-wall Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, the multiple consecutive days where you don’t have to change out of your pajamas, and finally, looking back on all the juicy breakups that happened throughout the year. I believe the phrase is “the best way to spread Christmas cheer is by recounting strangers’ personal pain loudly for all to hear,” no? Well, it certainly is for me. And this year, there were A LOT of celebrity breakups. So many, in fact,  that Ryanne even had to talk me down from one when I INSISTED you would all care about the guy from This is Us divorcing his wife. You can thank her in the comments. But let’s take a look at the rest of the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019, and really get in the holiday spirit! 

Khloé Kardashian & Tristan Thompson

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We are ready whenever you are little mama 🦋

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I had really hoped that by the end of this decade we would have stopped talking about these people, but it seems that is not the case. In fact, two members of America’s First Family of Reality TV made it onto this list. The things I do for you guys. I still can’t believe this breakup was only this year, but it was indeed back in February when Jordyn Woods foolishly cut herself off from the Kardashian juvederm gravy train by making out with Tristan Thompson. Big mistake. Huge. She claimed (on Red Table Talk) that it was just a quick kiss on the lips, but that was enough to seal her fate. Kylie threw her out, onto the mean streets of the Hollywood Hills, left to fend for herself with nowhere else to go but a slightly smaller mansion. Poor baby! 

This was the last straw for Khloé, who will tolerate her boyfriend motorboating models while she’s at home pregnant, but a goodbye kiss on the lips is OVER. THE. LINE. She also seemed to blame Jordyn for her breakup when we all know men are the ones responsible for where they put their d*cks. 

Why are you lying @jordynwoods ?? If you’re going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story. BTW, You ARE the reason my family broke up!

— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019

Maybe don’t pick a cheater next time, Khloé! 

Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott

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I brought the snow 2 da desert 🌵

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We might as well get on with the Kylie and Travis breakup, since we’re here. This relationship was a whirlwind. Kylie and Tyga broke up, and then she almost immediately got with Travis, and then she almost immediately got pregnant, because her mother was too busy selling her sister’s sex tape and building an empire to teach her youngest daughter about the birds and the bees. At the very least she could have showed her that tape! Alas, she did not, and here we are. Stormi was born in February 2018, less than a year after Kylie and Travis got together. Things seemed to be going well for a while, with Travis even telling Playboy that having a baby had not slowed down their sex life at all. Duh, Travis! You are still in the honeymoon stage! And you have nannies! I think a decrease in sex life happens because people are tired from the baby and also kind of sick of each other from being together so long. Two problems Travis and Kylie would not be encountering. But congrats on beating the odds! 

But then, October came and Travis and Kylie announced they were on a break. Guess that sex life finally slowed down, huh? They still appear to be close, and although I wouldn’t count out a reconciliation, this really was the end of an era for Kylie. Thankfully she has those billion dollars to hold her close at night! 

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth

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My love ❤️

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I’ve got to admit, this one hurts. I thought these two crazy kids might just make it. After meeting on the set of The Last Song *pause for audible sobbing* and dating on and off for over 10 years, they finally got married in December 2018. Then, by August, it was over. And that’s when it got messy. All of a sudden Miley was dating Kaitlynn Carter, the most annoying cast member on The Hills: New Beginnings, and Liam was walking around Australia looking like someone drowned his puppy. I haven’t seen anything sadder since we got my brother’s wedding photos back and it looked like my glass of champagne was my plus one in every single shot. (It was.)

THEN! Miley and Kaitlynn breakup (duh, she’s annoying!) and now Miley is with Cody Simpson. AND THEN!!! Miley got a tattoo that says “freedom” which is obviously throwing shade at Liam. A little dramatic, but okay. 

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FREEDOM #freedom #mothersdaugter #mileycyrus #singleneedle #delicatelysharp #tattoo

A post shared by winterstone (@winterstone) on

But FINALLY! Liam is getting his head in the game and fighting back, recently posting a thirst trap. He looks hot, but we know you’re not that innocent, Liam. Even my grandmother knows what a thirst trap is. 

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*trapped* #CommentsByCelebs

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Cole Sprouse & Lili Reinhart 

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The sequel.

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This summer it was reported that Cole and Lili, aka the one sane spot in that bonkers fever dream known as Riverdale, broke up after two years of dating. OR DID THEY? This story was reported in July, but the day before they had been perfectly cordial at ComicCon. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “cordial” is the word I would use to describe myself post-breakup in my early 20s. Maybe “deranged” or “paralyzed by rage,” but definitely not cordial. 

They never confirmed the breakup, and then, they started f*cking with us. Lili posted a picture of their magazine cover together saying “none of you know sh*t,” and Cole posted the same picture, with a caption I don’t understand but I can feel like I’m being mocked, you know?

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UNPRECEDENTED: Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart consume the flesh of ‘reliable sources’ to fuel their bacchanalian sex cult.

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@colesprouse) on

If Cole and Lili broke up, or if they did not, it doesn’t matter now, because they’re back together! I don’t like being toyed with, but I will take it if it means that Bughead is forever. 

Bradley Cooper & Irina Shayk

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Bradley Cooper keeps it casual in windbreaker while Irina Shayk nails off-duty sophistication in camel coat for bundled-up stroll in NYC. (March 19, 2019) Bradley Cooper lo mantiene casual con un rompevientos, mientras que Irina Shayk se une a la sofisticación en un abrigo abrigo camel para dar un paseo abrigado en Nueva York. (Marzo 1, 2019) #irinashayk #irina #shayk #bradleycooper #bradley #cooper #bradrina #nyc #newyork #familygoals #family #model #momstyle #dad #mom #goals #celebrity #actor #streetstyle #celebritycouples #2019 #dadstyle #couplegoals #smile #momgoals #dadgoals #celebritydad #celebritymom #ootd #candid

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I heard you all sigh when you got to this one, but don’t act like I’m the only one here who cares about Bradley Cooper. He’s still hotter than most of the men in Hollywood even when he’s pretending to pee himself at the Grammys, okay? So, last year, Bradley wrote, directed, and starred in a little film called A Star is Born, maybe you heard of it? *pause for audible sobbing*. Sorry, that garage scene haunts me. Anyway, his co-star was the inimitable Lady Gaga, and boy did people want them to be a thing. And then, Gaga and her fiancé broke up, and she and Bradley performed at the Oscars, making everyone believe they were in love. Guys, THEY ARE ACTORS. THEY WERE ACTING. 

With this kind of speculation, though, it was almost inevitable that Bradley and Irina were going to break up. In June they announced that they were separating, which is sad, but at least they did produce quite possibly the most adorable child of all time. Yes, I do follow celebrity baby Instagram accounts, and no I don’t want to talk about it. I would just like to stress, though, for all you believers that are still out there, he will never, ever, be getting with Lady Gaga. Because he’s obviously going to end up with Jennifer Garner, right? Where my Alias fans at??!

Hannah Brown & Jed Wyatt

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That one on one was something else. I knew I couldn’t have that good of a time and not tell her the full truth. 🌹 What did y’all think of last nights episode? Also, fun fact: THE BEHIND THE BACK SHOT WAS FIRST TRY. @gmb_chum12 must have given me some good juju..

A post shared by Jed Wyatt (@jedwyatt) on

And finally, we get to the biggest Bachelor Nation breakup of the year. I think this one can be summed up by saying “men ain’t sh*t,” but you probably want a little more explanation than that. Basically, Hannah picked the incredibly poor man’s Tim McGraw as the winner on her season of The Bachelorette. And then, after she picked him but before the season was finished airing, it was revealed that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show and he clearly was in it just to get famous. FOR SHAME, JED! Tim McGraw would never do something so nefarious. So, Hannah dumped him on After the Final Rose, and went on to win Dancing with the Stars, and in general be one of the best Bachelorettes that the franchise has ever produced. She scrubbed him from her Instagram, but he didn’t because he still needs her to keep him relevant, duh. It appears Jed has a new girlfriend, good for him! Just FYI sweetie, he didn’t write “I wanna be your Mr. Right” for you. 

And there you have the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019. Count on even more Kardashians on next year’s list!

Images: khloekardashian, travisscott, liamhemsworth, winterstone, commentsbycelebs, lilireinhart, colesprouse, _itsleeas, jedwyatt/ Instagram; khloekardashian/Twitter

5 Stars From The 2000s That Have Normal Jobs Now

Friends, we have officially almost made it to 2020. Taylor Swift’s self-titled debut album came out 13 years ago. Justin Bieber is married. Eminem’s daughter Hailie graduated from college in 2018 and has almost 2 million followers on Instagram. We. are. old. And it’s days like today, as I furiously Google where I can get discount botox, that I get nostalgic for my youth. It was a simpler time, a time when I could paper my walls with the cover of Tiger Beat and dream of making out with Shane West and being as cool as Lindsay Lohan. And this nostalgia got me thinking, what ever happened to my favorite stars of the 2000s? I mean, we know what happened to people like Lindsay Lohan (attempting to run a beach club, hanging out with a shady prince), and Amanda Bynes (mental breakdown, design school, another mental breakdown). But what happened to the ones that went on to have normal jobs? Let’s find out! 

1. Dylan Sprouse

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‘Tis brewing season! Keep an eye out for our next batch 👀🐝🥂 . 📷: @matialvial

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Dylan Sprouse is, of course, the identical twin brother of Jughead Jones, and one half of the iconic duo that relentlessly demanded Adam Sandler play them the Kangaroo song. He also lived the suite life of Zack and Cody, but apparently was not saddled with Ross Gellar as his fictional father (that was only Cole). Small mercies. Cole continues to act steadily on the CW’s most bonkers show, Riverdale, but Dylan has decided to take a different path in his life. And I don’t just mean professionally trolling his brother on Instagram. Dylan co-founded the All-Wise Meadery, New York’s first full production meadery located in Brooklyn, because of course. Sooooo that’s just a bar, right? Will I be murdered on-site by a man with a handlebar mustache the moment I enter Williamsburg for writing that? 

The All-Wise Meadery website tells me that mead is also known as “honey wine” and is the oldest alcoholic drink known to man. Huh. I thought that was Bud Light. It also goes on to explain that, “It was upon graduation in 2015 that Sprouse realized his true passion for brewing, having spent the better part of his college career experimenting with different mead formulations and perfecting his recipes in the confines of the dorm rooms.” OKAY. Just because you mixed Kool-Aid with vodka in a garbage can for a house party and called it Jungle Juice does not make you a mead-ologist, Dylan. Needless to say, I am entirely skeptical of this mead, would never spend a dime on it, and will absolutely be going next weekend. Who’s with me?! Great, you can pay. 

2. Jonathan Bennett

I'm baaaack @Flywheel Larchmont tomorrow with my NEW TIME of 7pm!! Go grab a bike it's Wednesday. (yes you can wear pink) ready to inspire!

— Jonathan Bennett (@JonathanBennett) March 11, 2014

Aaron Samuels may look sexy with his hair pushed back, but have you seen how sexy he looks dripping in sweat and wearing bike shorts? Yeah me either, but for a while back in 2013-14 you could have if you attended a Flywheel class in LA. According to Huffpo, Jonathan strove to “bring out the best” in all his riders. How sweet! I’ve only ever been verbally abused to the point of tears by spin instructors, which is apparently NOT enough to file a police report, according to the detective who threatened to sue me for wasting his time. Can you move to New York, please, Jonathan? I took 911 off my speed dial, I promise!

It looks like Jonathan no longer teaches spin (nice spin instructors finish last and all that, I’m sure) and is back to getting paid to act. I know this because I have seen him in multiple Hallmark Channel movies I have saved on my DVR. You go, Glen Coco! 

3. Erik von Detten

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3rd star to the right & straight on till morning ✨ • • #AgentsofCompass #LosAngeles #SantaMonica #LosAngelesRealtor #RealEstate #LosAngelesRealEstate #MarinaDelRey #Venice #Brentwood #PlayaVista #AngelaVonDetten #AvD #CompassRealestate #halloween #firsthalloween #peterpan #tinkerbell #eClaire

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If I was forced to pick a childhood crush that was not Devon Sawa,  it would have to be Erik von Detten. I mean, could you get any sexier than Brink?! (Other than Casper or Junior Floyd or Scott Wormer, obviously). Erik was the epitome of a hot California guy, right up to his douchey turn in The Princess Diaries. It was all *chef’s kiss* perfect.

What has happened to this golden boy who shined so bright, you ask? Well, I have some very bad, terrible, horrible, no good news. He is happily married and just had a baby girl this past May. His wife and daughter are incredibly cute and adorably coordinated for Halloween and obviously I hate them. Oh, and I forgot this was supposed to be a job update article and not me lamenting over my lost loves. So, here it is. Erik works in sales now. HAPPY?!

4. Nikki Blonsky

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I’m speechless! It’s so well done and looks just like me! @punchypeaches I love this! Thank you for being such a dedicated fan and for making my Tracy part of you and your life forever! May the spirit and love of Tracy forever be with you! Rock on girl! This is epic! #TracyTurnbladTattoo #MyFace #LoveIt #IMPermanent PS well done @ali_burke_tattoo !

A post shared by Nikki Blonsky (@nikkiblonsky) on

We all know Nikki as the star of Hairspray, the movie where she danced her way into our hearts, and more importantly, Zac Efron’s heart. Zac Efron’s beautifully coiffed, seductive, perfectly chiseled heart. Where was I? Oh yes, after Hairspray, Nikki found a few more roles, but nothing quite at the level that Hairspray was. She revealed in 2017 a profile with OUT that she would never consciously take a step away from the industry, but, that doesn’t mean she hasn’t pursued other things. For a while, she went back home to Long Island and worked in a hair salon while waiting for her next acting job to come around. Gotta get that bread (are the kids still saying that these days?). Even people who had John Travolta in drag play their mother in a major motion picture have bills to pay. Nikki still has some small roles to this day, and continues to pay tribute to her iconic character. She’s also randomly become iconic f0r her Cameo videos, because 2019.

5. Teddy Dunn

Teddy Dunn

This update is basically for me and It’s Britney, Betch, which is totally fine, because as we always tell each other after 1.5 bottles of wine, we’re the only ones who matter anyway. Teddy Dunn played Duncan Kane on two seasons of Veronica Mars, and I guess was scarred by the fact that he was a part of the greatest incest plot twist of all time (take that, Riverdale!), because he barely acted after leaving the show. I think he made a guest appearance on Gilmore Girls as the son of one of Emily’s rich friends, but we’re too deep in this very long article for me to attempt to confirm the accuracy of anything my brain is telling my fingers to type. Recently, Teddy gave an interview to TV Guide, saying he didn’t realize that the acting business was going to be quite a “business,” and left to pursue a law degree at Boston College. He now works as a law associate at a firm in New York. Who knew the donut had it in him! BRB while I find his company, charm my way past security, and convince him to go to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery with me. 

And those are just a few of my favorite 2000s stars that have normal jobs now! Welcome to the real world, celebrities, you’re gonna hate it. 

Images: allwisemeadery, angelavondetten, nikkiblonsky/Instagram; jonathanbennett/Twitter

Lili Reinhart And Cole Sprouse’s Breakup Is More Dramatic Than We Thought

After a few days to process the news of Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse’s breakup, I was feeling pretty at peace. I’m not a Riverdale fan, so I never felt any strong personal connection to their relationship. They’re both obviously gorgeous and I’m sure they’re great, but I wasn’t heartbroken over the news like some other people were. But now there’s more drama going on, so all of a sudden it’s all I care about. Apparently the stars of Teen Mom haven’t been stirring up enough controversy, because right now I feel like I’m one notch away from starting a Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse truther Twitter account.

I’ve got to say, it’s frustrating how not-messy these two are on social media. Here I am, checking which tweets they’ve liked or who they’ve replied to, and it’s all a big nothing in terms of clues, except for one tweet that Lili liked. At first, I passed it over because the tweet is in Portuguese, but the video is actually hilarious. The tweet translates to “When I’m about to do something stupid and change my mind,” and the video shows Lili refusing to take a microphone from Cole. It’s actually a funny meme, but we don’t know whether Lili liked it out of humor or to be shady. Who knows?

Quando estou prestes a fazer uma coisa de errado e mudo de ideia:@lilireinhart pic.twitter.com/hx0q4DrKR4

— centralreinhart (@centralreinhart) July 24, 2019

Over on Instagram, Lili posted a couple photos of her with the Riverdale cast from San Diego Comic-Con, so she and Cole have been in the same place, but that was never a mystery. Cole, on the other hand, hasn’t posted since June, when he reminded us all that he’s actually a super real photographer by posting half a dozen pics from a shoot he did for Elle in Iceland.

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New story with the ever resilient @estellaboersma . An absolute pleasure of an experience in Iceland. Ate my fill of fermented and dung smoked meats. Arm wrestled a Viking. Danced with the national champion. Thanks to the fantastic team. Can’t wait to return. Styling: @natasharoyt Style assist: @franciscoovallejr Hair: @mustafayanaz MU: @ciaradoesmakeup Light: @jamestarmcnaught / @l_aylott @elleusa

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@colesprouse) on

I’m not mad at this Iceland content, but it’s not really what I’m looking for from Cole right now. On paper, we still don’t officially know that they’re broken up, but the deluge of tabloid stories and anonymous stories in the past week would indicate that there’s at least something going on. Of course, you can’t trust every tabloid story, but when a lot of people are saying more or less the same thing, it’s usually at least a little bit legit.

For example, a source told E! News that Cole initiated the breakup after a big fight earlier this summer. The source says that “their relationship has always been up and down,” but that they’ll probably get back together. When this alleged fight and breakup happened, they were on their summer break from filming Riverdale, but filming has now started back up. They obviously spend a lot of time together on the set, and I don’t think they can really rewrite Betty and Jughead’s scenes together.

Of course, we don’t actually know who this source is, or how reliable their information is. But I don’t buy the idea that they’re definitely going to get back together just because they’re working together again. Coworkers date and break up all the time, and it’s a pain in the ass for everyone else in the workplace, and no Janice, I don’t want to hear about Steve’s erectile dysfunction in the break room.

Maybe they’ll get back together out of convenience (or love I guess, if you’re into that kind of thing), but there are also other factors at play here. Another source told People that Lili and Cole’s breakup wasn’t that surprising to people who know them, and that “Things have felt super heavy in the relationship for a while, and it got to be too much.” Again, take all this with a grain of salt, but I can imagine that it would be stressful to have the entire world paying attention to your relationship. Lili and Cole have always kept the particulars of their relationship pretty low-key, but the pressure still must get to them.

According to the People source, “They’re both very professional though and trying to be as amicable and friendly as possible.” This makes sense, because Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse aren’t in the position to ruin their reputations by causing scenes on the Riverdale set.

So, can we synthesize all of this info into one theory about what’s going on with Lili Reinhart and Cole Sprouse’s relationship? My best guess is that they’re currently not together, like in a relationship sense, but they can obviously still stand to be in the same room. As the press ramps up for season four of Riverdale in the fall, we’ll probably get a better sense of whether they’re actually a couple, but it probably doesn’t matter much at this point. They’re so young, and it would be weird if they didn’t have a healthy dose of relationship problems. They’re both pretty, so I’m sure they’ll work it out.

UPDATE: It looks like my newfound obsession with finding out the truth about Lili and Cole isn’t going anywhere. No sooner had I finished writing the above article, than Lili and Cole broke their Instagram silence with a post that really throws a wrench in this whole situation.

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BREAKING: A reliable source has confirmed that none of you know shit.

A post shared by Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) on

Okay so, yeah. This complicates things. The caption is an obvious wink to all of these sources that have been speaking about Lili and Cole’s breakup, which might not have actually happened? I’m so confused by all of this, but Cole and Lili are definitely not into all of the rumors that have been going around. Personally, I don’t necessarily read this as proof that they aren’t broken up, but they obviously don’t really want us to know exactly what’s going on.

Also, it’s important to note that this cover for W Magazine was definitely shot weeks, if not months, ago, so it’s not like they were doing this photoshoot specifically to prove everyone wrong. They still have a show to promote together, so press appearances come with the territory. For now, we’re all just going to have to keep guessing what’s going on with these two.

Images: colesprouse, lilireinhart / Instagram

Lili Reinhart And Cole Sprouse Reportedly Broke Up

When it comes to celebrity couples, we all have that one. You know, the one you think are completely rock solid and take for granted. The one that, to you, exemplifies true love. The one that, if they were to break up, would signify that love as we know it does not exist. For me, that couple is probably Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. But if you’re a teenager and Riverdale fan, that couple might be Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart, who are (were?) a couple on Riverdale and in real life. So I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news when I tell you that multiple outlets are reporting Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart may have broken up.

Cole and Lili, who play Jughead Jones and Betty Cooper, respectively, on Riverdale, started dating two years ago. They started dating secretly in July of 2017 and started publicly flirting on Twitter a few months later, in February of 2017. They were known for generally being pretty cute towards each other on social media, without being over-the-top or annoying. They would also post these beautiful, artsy photos of each other, because I guess that’s what you do when you’re young and in a relationship in 2019.

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Quite actually the only thing keeping me sane is @lilireinhart

A post shared by Cole Sprouse (@colesprouse) on

Or at least, Cole would post artsy photos of Lili. Lili posted pretty normal looking pictures. Still cute, though.

 

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This picture makes me so happy.

A post shared by Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) on

Now, though, outlets are reporting that the two have split. A source told Us Weekly that they overheard Cole telling a friend that he and Lili were broken up. WHAT?! I’m going to need a transcription of exactly what was said and an itemized list of the reasons they supposedly broke up. Now, an anonymous tabloid source isn’t exactly ironclad evidence of a breakup, but apparently, Cole and Lili “kept their distance” and “were rarely seen together” while at San Diego Comic Con this past weekend. Awkward. If I can think of the last place on Earth I’d want to be with my recent ex, it would be an overcrowded convention center or hotel ballroom. Also, Lili posted a picture of herself sitting between KJ Apa and Cole at a panel at Comic Con and captured it, “Please don’t put me between these two ever again.”

 

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Please don’t put me between these two ever again.

A post shared by Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) on

However, I’m going to go ahead and say that this is just a cheeky Instagram caption, and trying to read into it for evidence that Cole and Lili have broken up is a big reach (Cosmo).

For now, neither Lili nor Cole have officially confirmed the breakup, but five days ago, Lili posted this tweet. Again, it’s not evidence of a breakup, but it seems kind of shady in retrospect, like all Khloé Kardashian’s sub-Insta Stories directed at Tristan Thompson.

One must choose very wisely when considering how many fucks to give. Don’t give your fucks away so easily. Don’t let someone who is not worthy of any fucks, take your fucks away from you. Some things/people are just not worth it. ?? amen.

— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) July 17, 2019

I crunched the numbers, and there are precisely two types of situations in which I would post something about giving f*cks to the wrong person: a job that destroyed my mental health, or a guy who f*cked me over. I’m personally leaning towards the latter because this reads like the exact type of tweet I would post after finding out a guy who never had time to see me because of “personal issues” was going on multiple dates with other girls. (And also because of confirmation bias.) But again, without any official word from either Cole or Lili’s camp, this proof is about as solid as my conspiracy theory that McDonald’s never made ice cream, they just put dummy machines in all their locations so you’ll keep going back and buying something in the hopes that one day, the ice cream machine will be working.

Then again, despite reports that Cole and Lili were basically avoiding each other at Comic Con, Cole was on Lili’s story as recently as a few hours ago.

This looks like the exact type of light poking fun these two are known for, and not really like a “get me away from my ex” post. So one question remains: What is the truth??

I think I speak for all of us when I say, let’s all hope this is just a bad rumor. I won’t go so far as to say that love is dead if Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart are no longer together, but I will say that the world would have lost another attractive celebrity couple who are generally pretty cute and seem sincerely into each other. For now, we’ll have to wait and see.

Images: lilireinhart / Twitter; lilireinhart, colesprouse / Instagram

Why The Celebrity Finsta Is The Best New Instagram Trend

Since Instagram first became popular several years ago, regular people and celebrities alike have put an insane amount of effort into keeping up their perfect grid. We all probably have about 42 editing apps on our phones, but it seems like we’re finally seeing a shift on Instagram. In 2019, people are finally focusing on authenticity over perfection, and certain celebrities are leading the charge.

The idea of the fake Instagram, or “finsta,” has been around for a few years, and it originated with regular people. Especially for young people concerned with their image, having a secondary (usually private) account is an easy to post more unfiltered content for close friends. But any good trend doesn’t stay hidden for long, and now celebrities are jumping on the finsta train. The concept of the finsta isn’t really new, but celebrities are now bringing the trend of secondary, less polished accounts to new and exciting places. I spoke with Charles Porch, Head of Global Creative Programs at Instagram, to learn about why the celebrity finsta is one of the most exciting things happening on the platform today, and how the trend signifies a larger shift in how we use Instagram.

While the celebrity finsta trend has picked up steam in 2019, some celebs have been more unfiltered on Instagram for a long time. Porch points to Cole Sprouse’s account @camera_duels as one of the earliest examples. For years, Cole has been taking pics of people taking pics of him, and the result is a hilarious behind the scenes look at what it feels like to be famous.

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Who would have thought, the mother with child, would have prioritized taking our picture over steadying her baby's carriage on a moving train? I did. I would have thought. Firstly, her child is too young for The Street Life of Shaq and Kobe, so we all know she was taking that picture for herself. Unless of course she was making a long term investment, banking on the baby enjoying the show when #it grows up. #ItsCalledInvesting. Trying to be sneaky, she made the number 1 rookie mistake, #Flash. My poor, helpless, innocent, virgin brother was caught in the middle of our duel. You can see the fear in his eyes and the determination in mine, both being trumped by the look of shame in hers. #cameraduels #BabyOnBoard #FamilyDrama #TheStreetLifeOfShaqAndKobe

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With these unfiltered photos, Cole Sprouse manages to poke fun at himself in a way that’s both hilarious and unquestionably authentic. While many public figures are meticulous about their social media aesthetic, accounts like this are actually more entertaining to follow. According to Charles Porch, celebrity content like this “brings us closer to them, and makes us love them even more.”

While Cole Sprouse has never cared much about his Instagram aesthetic, we’ve recently seen some more unexpected celebrities branching out from their standard posts. Last month, Gigi Hadid hopped on the celebrity finsta train with an account dedicated to photos from her disposable camera. While her main feed is mostly flawless shots from runway shows and ad campaigns, her second account is unedited and off the cuff.

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Me @ LV by @cullysmoller. Paris, France.

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One of Charles Porch’s favorite examples of the celebrity finsta is Lizzo’s account for her flute. Lizzo has had a meteoric rise this year, and her DGAF attitude on social media is definitely part of the reason why. Her main account already feels authentic and unfiltered, so her finsta is pure comedy. Here’s her flute wearing the outfit that Lizzo wore to this year’s Met Gala.

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Who wore it better? #metgala @marcjacobs @themarcjacobs

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Iconic. While some people will probably never hop on the celebrity finsta trend, Charles Porch sees it as a direct response to what’s happening in the current youth culture. Today’s teens have grown up with social media all around them, so they interact with Instagram and other platforms in a different way than millennials. Porch notes that many teens have multiple accounts to align with their various friend groups, and this is trickling down (or up?) to celebrities.

Porch has noticed that more and more, public figures are finding inspiration directly from regular people on Instagram, and this is more true with the finsta than anything else. With multiple accounts, celebs can “connect to different subcultures of fans, art, and causes” that are important to them. Porch says that secondary accounts are all about celebs “connecting directly to fans,” and that we finally get to “be part of the journey.” We all really want to feel closer to our favorite stars, and celebrity finsta accounts accomplish exactly that.

More than anything, Charles Porch stresses that “Instagram is a living, breathing platform,” so trends like the celebrity finsta are always coming and going. While Porch is confident that the celebrity finsta is here to stay for the foreseeable future, it’s far from the only IG trend that he’s excited about. He called 2019 the “Year of the Legends,” noting that famous actresses like Julia Roberts and Michelle Pfeiffer are finally making their way to the platform. Porch is also excited about the role that Instagram will play in the 2020 election, with political figures like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Elizabeth Warren utilizing the platform like never before.

With viral reports that the Instagram aesthetic is dead, and continued testing with disabling the number of likes on posts, there’s no doubt that it’s an exciting time to be on Instagram. Things are always growing and changing, and the celebrity finsta will be an exciting trend to follow.

Imgaes: camera_duels, gisposable, sashabefluting / Instagram

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Justice For Kevin

Welcome back, Riverdale fam! I’m sure you’ve been on the edge of your seat since last week’s episode when we learned that Veronica thought “film noir” meant “hats, but make it fashion.” Other things that happened last week that were just as upsetting as Veronica’s choice in accessories: Archie is single, stupid, and without a legitimate excuse to take off his shirt each episode. I’m v worried about his emotional well-being. Betty was still rekindling her relationship with her father despite the fact that he murdered all of her friends, and Veronica set fire to Hiram’s entire drug stash before Hermione could profit from it. I applaud that level of pettiness. And if you think that sounds like hot garbage masked as quality television, that’s because it absolutely is.

Jughead starts this week off by declaring that Riverdale is “Bizarro Town” and that point is driven home by the fact that the writers decided to give secondary characters a minute of screen time without Archie, Jughead, Betty, or Veronica f*cking it up with their personal problems. It’s announced that the former Sheriff Keller and the former Mayor McCoy are getting married and I’m here for it. In fact, please show more of it. Anything to see those abs.

Cut to Cheryl and TT who are fondling each other in bed. Really? Red satin sheets? Like, we get it. They’re living in sin. Lesbianism isn’t that shocking anymore, CW!!

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In love with next week’s episode of #Riverdale like these two crimson turtledoves.?❤️?????‍❤️‍?

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Cheryl says that she feels sooooo blessed to finally be sleeping in a bed and not in the tent city anymore. TT’s like “yeah we’re away from the cold and the maggots.” THE COLD AND THE MAGGOTS. I’m sorry, WHAT. I mean, I knew the Serpents’ tent city should be condemned, but this is outrageous. Also, do we think the writers got their inspiration from all the Fyre Festival footage and were like, “imagine where those rich kids thought they were going to a music festival, but make it where Riverdale’s discarded youth will live indefinitely.”

Meanwhile, Veronica finds out that you can’t just burn your mother’s drugs and get away with it. Funny. I thought the first time she’d learn there are consequences to her actions would be, like, literally any other way, but sure, have her first life lesson involve broken kneecaps.

Okay, yes I am LIVING for more Kevin/Moose content. Or really any content that involves more of Kevin’s one-liners.

I will say that it’s weird that all of a sudden the writers are pretending like these secondary characters are actually important. First Kevin and Moose and now Josie and Sweet Pea?? First of all, I forgot those two were even a thing. I’m pretty sure we saw one closed-mouth kiss from them, like, episode one and then it was promptly forgotten about. I wonder whose ego they had to fondle in the writer’s room to get a little screen time.

Speaking of random acts of kindness, The CW must think I’ve been a good girl this season because TOMMY HOTTIE IS BACK Y’ALL. Tommy Keller and Mayor McCoy are getting it on in a hotel room and I can’t even focus on the fact that they’re trying to shove more Gargoyle King madness down my throat because did you see those abs? I. Can’t. F*cking. Breathe.

Mayor McCoy finds a sealed letter from the Gargoyle King asking them to finish ascension night with the rest of the parents. Is it just me, or is the Gargoyle King acting VERY petty rn? Like, he didn’t get invited to the wedding, so now he’s blackmailing the happy couple to force them to hang out with him? That’s so disturbed inspired and I am definitely going to incorporate that into my wedding season strategy this year.

Cheryl takes a break from being fabulous to fat shame Kevin out of eating carbs and bond with him over his relationship woes, because I guess now that she’s a lesbian she suddenly grew a heart? Like, has Cheryl said anything nice to Kevin ever? I don’t know where this sympathetic attitude is coming from, and I don’t like it.

Kevin tells Cheryl about how Moose is afraid to come out and Cheryl is just like “you should move on.” Which is such a standard condescending piece of advice that someone in a relationship would give. 

KEVIN: I can’t go back to picking up guys in the woods.
CHERYL: Uh, no. Have you heard of dating apps?

THANK YOU CHERYL. Like, please explain to him that he doesn’t have to prostitute himself out in the woods. This is the 21st century, for god’s sake.

Okay, WHAT. Did Cheryl just out Moose over the loudspeaker in between announcing the lunch menu and dates for the upcoming pep rally?? That is so wrong, I can’t.

Archie finds Josie in the music room crying over her upcoming audition to Juilliard, and the whole thing just feels forced. I don’t like that they’re shoving this Archie/Josie relationship down our throats just because Josie is the only single girl left in Riverdale and Archie is contractually obligated to get his dick wet at least once an episode.

Elsewhere, Veronica is trying to figure out where she’s going to get the money to pay off her mother’s drug buyers. I guess half priced mocktails at her speakeasy’s ladies night isn’t going to cut it.

I’m sorry, but did Reggie just seriously suggest they rob his daddy’s dealership for the extra cash?? I’ve had pizza in my fridge for longer than they’ve been together and he’s already willing to rip off his flesh and blood for her? Damn. That’s devotion.

VERONICA: It’s lunacy. But it’s inspired lunacy.

No, it’s robbery. And it’s a felony in most states, you dipsh*ts! It’s certainly not going to be as easy as grabbing the money while your dad is at work. I swear to god, if Veronica’s solution to getting away with this heist is to go shopping for new wigs then I’m out, y’all. I. Am. Out.

Sidenote: why did this entire robbery conversation feel like foreplay? Can just one of these teenagers have normal sexual habits, please?

Meanwhile, the midnight club is newly reunited, and they’re banding together to finish the G&G game they started back in high school. Is it just me or have we seen this episode before, and it was called Jumanji?

SHERIFF KELLER: Let’s finish what we started.
ALSO SHERIFF KELLER: 

Oh, what do you know? I guess armed robbery wasn’t as easy as  Veronica and Reggie thought it would be. Imagine! Veronica shows up dressed for the robbery like she finally put her Thelma and Louise Pinterest board to good use. I f*cking can’t with her extraness lately. She is out of control.

Lolololol. Reggie gets shot and their money bag explodes with a dye pack, which is exactly the outcome these two morons deserve. Like, if they had done exactly one Google search in preparation for this heist, they might have foreseen some of these obstacles.

Speaking of morons, Archie escorts Josie to her audition because I guess The CW is trying going make this happen whether we want it to or not. Why else would he suddenly be besties with Josie if not to get laid in the very near future?

Josie starts having a meltdown at Pop’s because she didn’t get into Juilliard. She’s crying about how nobody loves her and she has no plans and her life is falling apart and it’s very similar to what I do every single day in my car three seconds after pulling out of my office’s parking lot.

JOSIE: *wails* But I killed that interview!!

ARCHIE: *completely monotone* That’s crazy. They don’t deserve you.
JOSIE: 

NO NO NO NO NO. You can’t just pair people up together because there’s literally no one else! This isn’t Noah’s freaking Ark!

Moose tells Kevin that he came out and he wants to celebrate by “doing it,” because that sounds like a person who’s emotionally ready to lose their virginity.

OMG WHAT. Gladys is the drug buyer Hermione is so afraid of that she would literally sacrifice her first born child to them. I’m shocked, because the only thing I find scary about her is her crow’s feet.

GLADYS: Oh great. More teenagers.

^^Something I say at 8pm every Wednesday night

Okay, she’s being surprisingly nice for a drug dealer. She’s going to take their tainted money even though she 100 percent can’t use it, and all she wants in return is Reggie’s car. Veronica, being Veronica, immediately acts ungrateful. She’s like, “but he loves that car!!” and, like, it’s either his ride or his kneecaps, you choose bitch.

Meanwhile, the Midnight Club is back and ready to party play with poison. They figure out pretty quickly that this gathering was just an elaborate ploy for the Gargoyle King to get to their kids while they’re unsupervised. Lol. As if these kids have ever been supervised a day in their goddamn lives.

And look! There they all are in various states of undress. The parents start calling all of their respective kids and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is in the middle of some sort of sexual act. It’s like watching a full-blown orgy on my screen. Tbh I think what’s more unrealistic is that any of these kids would pick up their phones that quickly.

Kevin is the only one unaccounted for, and because we can’t have nice things, his first time is ruined by the Gargoyle King and his gang. Y’all, I’m so upset. Archie and Veronica get to bang on every goddamn surface in Riverdale but Kevin can’t have one night?? #JusticeForKevin

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On this week’s #Riverdale, promises will be kept and hearts will be broken… And a sacrifice will be demanded…?????⌛️☠️??

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We find out that the Gargoyle King is actually Moose’s dad, Major Mason, which I could have called from a mile away. This is the only reason why the Riverdale writers gave any of these characters the time of day this episode, and it’s pissing me off.

Apparently Major Mason was jealous that Moose was seeing his former high school crush’s son. So, let me get this straight. Moose’s dad and Kevin’s dad were best friends and Moose’s dad tried to kiss Kevin’s dad back in the day. Why is this show so goddamn incestuous?? It’s like history repeating itself except they’ve all slept with each other in some way, shape, or form.

FP: You can’t just kidnap and terrorize your kid!
MAJOR MASON: This is Riverdale, what’s your point?

Well, when he’s right he’s right.

Gladys and Jelly Bean show up at FP and Jughead’s trailer and they’re moving in. They want to be a part of their lives now and I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with the drug sale that went down earlier in the episode…

Oh GOD. Archie is back to singing and I don’t know what I did to deserve this. He’s like “yeah and the worst part about Kevin and Moose being kidnapped and almost gay bashed is that I couldn’t sing with you!” You gotta have your priorities straight, don’t ya, Arch?

Moose leaves town to deal with everything, and breaks up with Kevin in the process. He’s back to being the only gay person in Riverdale. I’m sure his next lover will turn out to be a homicidal murderer, because The CW doesn’t want Kevin to find love. Again, I say #JUSTICEFORKEVIN.

Meanwhile, Cheryl gets TT her own gang and even an early admission to college! Literally the only thing a boyfriend ever gave me was a handwritten note that said “we need more milk”, but okay. Their gang name is the Pretty Poisons because they’re “pretty by day and poison by night” and I am absolutely adding that line to my dating app bio.

NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO. Archie and Josie start making out mid-song because, while murder is Bughead’s foreplay, singing is Archie’s. I want to die. There’s absolutely ZERO chemistry between the two of them and I hate that the CW is forcing this relationship on us like they forced us to be okay with Betty’s BDSM habit as a minor. 

And on that note, I’m out Betches! If you need me I’ll be taking to my Instagram DMs to fight @writerras about justice for Kevin. Toodles!

Images: Giphy (4); The CW (2); @writerras /Instagram (2)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Personally Victimized By Veronica’s Hat

It’s Wednesday, which for some of us means it’s time to wind down with the acid trip that is season three of Riverdale. I’ve seen a lot of messed up sh*t on this show (cousin loving, murder foreplay, and a 16-year-old Betty stripping on a pole in a bar known for gang activity, just to name a few!), but I think we can all agree that last week’s episode was the wildest one yet, because the writers actually had the audacity to pretend like these kids were still in high school. I almost fell off my couch when they managed to incorporate one SAT word into the script without the entire set bursting into flames. That said, I have a feeling this week’s episode is going to be even more insane because Camila Mendes hyped on Instagram that we should get ready for “Veronica meets Film Noir” which should be…very painful. I’ve already decided I’m going to drink every time someone says the word “doll”, “doll face” or “ugly mutt” so, like, prepare my funeral now.

Once again we start this week with another judgey montage from Jughead. I swear to God this kid is always in a perpetual state of being on his period. Like, enough with the ‘tude!

He’s says Riverdale was once a “good, decent, innocent place” and it’s like, okay, but when? The very first episode of this show there was already a twincest rumor between Cheryl and Jason and Archie was raw dogging his teacher in the school music room. When I was 16 I was still shopping at Delia’s and reading Tiger Beat but, sure, let’s compare our high school existences.

Case in point: Jughead lying to his dad about Tall Boy leaving town while Tall Boy is stuffed under the cot FP is currently sitting on. Ah, yes. The good, innocent Riverdale we all know and love. FP isn’t buying his story though because he’s spent 24 hours as a sheriff and he’s seen some things. I’ve also seen some things, like the fact that FP is a goddamn snack in that uniform.

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JONES ???????????? #fpjones #southsideserpents #riverdale #riverdaleforever #riverdale4life #like4likes #likeforlikes #fff #follo4follow #followforfollow #l4l #l4likeforlikesback

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Meanwhile, Archie is coming to terms with the fact that he might only be a pretty face. What a cross to bear in this world! He tells his dad that he thinks college maybe isn’t for him, which is, like, a very diplomatic way of saying that he flunked the SATs. Lol. I see right through you, buddy!

Cut to Veronica, who wants Jughead to find the person who shot her father. She asks him this while wearing a literal fedora. Like, what in God’s name is she wearing on her head. 

JUGHEAD: Nice hat.
VERONICA: Thanks.
ALSO VERONICA:

Betty shows up at Claudius’ funeral because she thinks Penelope might have poisoned him, and also she doesn’t know how to mind her own business. Meanwhile, Cheryl is in full-on mourning, aka wearing a dress short enough that I can see her vaginal lips. *slow claps* Don’t ever change, Cheryl!

I love that Betty shows up to this funeral uninvited and then thinks it’s okay to interrogate the deceased’s immediate family. She’s like “I’m sorry for your loss, Cheryl, but your mom is a murderer and you need to step up and help me prove it.” Maybe have a little bit more tact? Idk. Cheryl refuses to help with Betty’s murder investigation, which is, like, very fair. Just because you wrote “detective” on your business card does not mean anyone isn’t going to notice that said card was made with a sharpie and construction paper. 

I guess last week Veronica was studying for more than just the SATs. She’s also been binge-watching Mob Wives, because now thinks she’s actually fit to run her father’s illegal businesses in his absence. LOL. K. Her first order of business is to fire his hired protection and replace them with Smithers and Reggie or as she likes to call them her “most loyal servant” and “jacked jack of all trades.” First of all, Smithers isn’t so much loyal as he is getting paid to work for your family. Also, he’s 80. That’s quite a crack team you’ve established there, Veronica!

Meanwhile, Betty and Jughead are off to track down Hiram’s mistress and potential killer but instead stumble upon a dominatrix club run by none other than Penelope Blossom. So chill. I love that Betty and Jughead are pretending to be horrified by The Maple Club when they actually just found a new spot for date night.

BETTY: Well, well, well, I guess Riverdale has a sex club now?
ALSO BETTY: 

Archie is…not doing well this episode. He’s getting wasted at Veronica’s speakeasy while Veronica’s new lover bartends and makes passive aggressive comments to him in between rounds. This feels very masochistic and like something I definitely haven’t talked my girlfriend into doing after she was dumped.

By far the most disturbing relationship on this show is between Betty and this coroner. Like, she just got her driver’s license and she’s hanging out with a man who looks like he wrote “pulse optional” on his dating app preferences.

Josie draws the short straw and has to take care of a drunken Archie. She’s like “you can’t solve your problems by getting drunk in a bar before noon” and it’s like, did I hallucinate that they were taking the SATs last week? Like where is the normal high school drama! Archie is acting he just lost his job and has a mortgage to pay when literally all of his problems could be solved by taking an SAT prep class. Please.

JOSIE: I think you should channel your anger into something constructive like your music.
ME: 

Betty confronts Penelope Blossom and finds out that Claudius was cooking Fizzle Pop in the old maple syrup factory, and that the runoff from that was polluting Sweetwater River, which is why every teenage girl in the town was having seizures earlier this season. I’m sorry, but this is not an acceptable explanation for me. Betty saw babies LEVITATING, and you’re just going to explain it away in less than 10 seconds of dialogue? That’s trash. 

Jughead tracks down Hiram’s mistress AND IT’S KELLY RIPA. My god! Does she own this show now? The entire CW network? Is Riverdale secretly being filmed out of her NYC apartment? Like, what does she have on @writerras that her and her family are able to hijack this show every week?? I’m sorry, I love Kelly Ripa, but Hiram was the worst thing to ever happen to this show and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

Footage from this week’s episode of ‘Riverdale’ or a confrontation in the writer’s room when they tried to kill off Hiram’s character last week? WHO CAN SAY. 

Okay, WHAT. Hermione is also having an affair? With hot Sheriff Minetti?! I thought he was dead? Has she just been keeping him in an abandoned warehouse and bringing him out whenever she has an itch to scratch? This I did not see coming, but after a closer inspection of his character abs, I’ll allow it. I am here for this partial nudity. 

You guys the twists are insane tonight. In another shocking turn of events we find out that FP shot Hiram, and he did it because Hermione paid him to. That’s why he’s allowed to be sheriff, because it was a payoff (which is still not an acceptable explanation for why a convicted felon was suddenly allowed to become sheriff, but whatever). 

FP tries to beat Hermione at her own game and forces her to go on the air and say that Tall Boy was the one who shot Hiram. Like, who is this interview for though? I have yet to see one other member of this town who isn’t a) a redhead or b) sleeping with a parent/classmate/brother/sister/other estranged relative of a redhead, which has to be the only explanation for why there haven’t been riots in the street for the outright corruption taking over Riverdale’s town politics. I highly doubt regular townspeople are waiting with bated breath to see if the mob boss running their town will get some justice. PLEASE. 

Meanwhile, Veronica sets fire to Hiram’s entire drug supply and I feel nothing. That’s how I know this show is going downhill fast. Remember when Cheryl burned her entire home to the ground out of spite? And we all cheered? And I made the gif of her burning her life to to the ground the background on my computer and used it whenever applicable to real-life conversations? WHERE IS THAT RIVERDALE?

Iconic.

Okay, PLEASE tell me Josie and Archie aren’t about to be a thing. Archie’s giving her that look like she has a vagina and has shown mild interest in him, so now he wants to bang her. I can’t take one more Archie romantic entanglement. I just can’t.

Jughead tells Veronica that he knows who really shot her father, and it’s not Tall Boy, which is what the official announcement says. Veronica is still wearing the fedora and I am still feeling very personally victimized by it.

JUGHEAD: You don’t want to find out who shot your dad?
VERONICA: Eh, it’s Riverdale.

Truer words, V. Truer. Words.

The episode ends with Hermione shooting hot Sheriff Minetti for reasons that are unclear, but I’m sure will be explained away five episodes from now when we’ve forgotten all about this plot line and the writers decide to give it five whole seconds of their time to address. Anyways, I’m out! See you Betches in hell next time!

Images: Giphy (4); The CW (1); @cole_jones.oursmile /Instagram (1)