Over the past two months, we’ve documented the saga of Miley Cyrus and her relationship, and I’ll be honest, I’ve been starting to lose interest. I no longer have the energy to analyze every cringeworthy story and post with Cody Simpson, and her recent problematic behavior on Instagram just made her look even worse. I was about ready to check all the way out of following this story, but then one person came along and reeled me right back in. Ladies and gentlemen, enter one Ms. Lindsay Lohan.
On Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan, queen of delusion and possible future princess of Saudi Arabia, popped into the Miley/Cody narrative in a way that only she could. Last year, Cody spent a while dating Lindsay’s younger sister, Ali, but we’ve never had many details on their relationship, or why they broke up. Well, Lindsay has some sh*t to say, and she did so in a truly wild Instagram post (which has since been deleted):
Ohhhh boy. I really love Lindsay Lohan so much, and this is exactly why. While Miley Cyrus is busy claiming that being gay is a choice, Lindsay is giving a master class in how to be messy as f*ck without actually being offensive. A round of applause for LiLo, because this is a talent. Really, 10/10 work right here.
Before we even get to that whopper of a caption, Lindsay chose a really amazing photo here. It’s a blurry, black and white paparazzi photo of her sister and Cody together, which actually looks like it might be a picture of a physical photo. I’m not sure, but this is not high-res at all. But the photo is so great because Ali looks pissed off, or at least skeptical of whatever Cody is saying/doing. The caption is where Lindsay really shines here, but the photo sets it up perfectly.
But let’s get to that caption. After using the British spelling of “realize” to say that Cody failed, she says that he “settled for less” and TAGS HIM. I f*cking dying. No shade to Ali Lohan, but it’s kind of hilarious to think of anyone actually saying that going from her to Miley Cyrus is setting for less. Like, however you feel about Miley, she’s one of the most famous people on the planet, and Ali Lohan is…not.
After a confusing pair of emojis (wtf does the anchor mean??), Lindsay finishes off with a sentence that, I swear to god, I want on my grave: “family is everything you won the masked singer but you lost on your future”
AHHHHHHH. For anyone unaware, The Masked Singer is a singing competition show where celebrities compete while wearing elaborate masks, so no one actually knows who they are until the end. The show is entirely stupid, but pretty entertaining, but most of the celebs that do it are total has-beens. But what do you know, Cody Simpson just won the first season of the Australian version of the show literally last night, which is crazy because it’s been airing the whole time he’s been dating Miley. And who just so happened to be one of the judges on Masked Singer Australia? LINDSAY LOHAN.
Lindsay Lohan using the show that they just did together as a way to shade his behavior in his personal life is really masterful, and I’m obsessed. I’m assuming, from the tone of this post, that Cody broke up with Ali, and she’s basically saying that Cody threw his future away by dumping her. I mean, ouch. Who knows if this is actually an appropriate representation of what happened in their relationship, but it’s funny as f*ck.
Like I said, I was pretty much done with paying attention to Miley and Cody before this, but now I am RIGHT. BACK. IN. I will always turn up for any situation that Lindsay Lohan inserts herself into, so bring it on. Even though she deleted her post about Cody, I hope she’s not done being shady. I desperately need something to entertain myself these days, and Lindsay Lohan is the only one who can make me feel alive.
Images: Shutterstock; lindsaylohan / Instagram
Hi fam, how are we doing on this Friday? Well, things are about to get a lot worse, because Cody Simpson released a song about Miley Cyrus, and it’s a whole-ass mess. They’ve only been dating for approximately two weeks, but they’ve produced enough cringey couples content to last a lifetime. Earlier this week, they got new tattoos together (thankfully not matching), and posted a photo that would’ve gotten flagged on Instagram if Cody’s pants were any lower. But all of their extra couple behavior doesn’t even come close to the song that Cody Simpson released today.
When I went on Spotify this morning to check out New Music Friday, I was instantly appalled at what I found. It’s called “golden thing,” which already makes me feel uncomfortable, and the cover art is a photo of Miley’s chin/neck/chest. I love the way Cody is really being subtle about this right from the jump. This is definitely the most attention Cody Simpson has gotten like, ever in his career, so I guess it makes sense for him to put out a song about Miley right away, before this fizzles out, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. She looks hot in the cover photo, though. The lyrics, however, are not so hot.
I was initially annoyed that the song starts with an almost minute-long instrumental intro (get to the good stuff!), but the song really doesn’t get better once Cody starts singing. Basically, the whole thing reads like a fourth grader’s attempt at writing a sonnet, with such inspired lines like “Deep blue jeans, movie screens, taking flight, flashing lights.” Oh, sh*t, homeboy can rhyme!! Does Cody use rhymezone.com to write his songs? I would not be surprised.
Despite only being with Miley for a few weeks, Cody seems incredibly into her. Actually, he seems kind of obsessed with her, like he can’t believe that she’s actually paying attention to him. The whole song is about how she has a mysterious “golden thing,” and the first words of the song are “crystal dream, Cali queen.” Dude, we get it, you think Miley is hot.
While none of this songwriting is going to win a Grammy, there’s one particular line that caused me to do a double take. In the third verse (each verse is like, two lines long), he refers to Miley as having “coffee skin.” Um…am I missing something? Even at her most tan, Miley Cyrus is like, a big ol’ cup of milk with about one drop of coffee in it. I have absolutely no idea why Cody would choose this phrase in reference to Miley, especially because the word “coffee” doesn’t even play into his precious rhyme scheme! He could have said something like “milky skin,” and the song would’ve flowed the exact same. (Cody, hire me. I write.)
When it comes down to it, the song is nice enough, but Cody sounds like a poor man’s John Mayer. Regardless, it’ll probably do bigger streaming numbers than anything else he’s released, so good for Cody. Way to use your brand new relationship for personal gain! This will all be especially funny in approximately three weeks, when Miley and Cody go their separate ways, and this dumb song is sitting on Cody’s Spotify page collecting dust. Live in the moment, I guess?
Here’s the full song, because you obviously need to listen for yourself:
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy; codysimpson / Instagram
