In the overwhelmingly WASPy world of trendy superfoods, coconut water has risen to the top, promising every hungover and electrolyte-depleted betch that it would solve all of our problems. Today, that promise is being broken, and TBH we were just starting to get used to its (v mediocre) taste.
In a new study that just came out, a group of researchers and dietitians took another look at coconut water’s properties, and concluded that it’s really not that healthy for us. I mean, they didn’t say it’s UNHEALTHY or anything, but the research basically showed that coconut water is literally sugar water from a coconut, and isn’t doing that much for us in the health department.
For the past couple years, coconut water has been placed on the same shelf as green juice and kombucha, promising white girls everywhere that it would give them clear skin, nails, tons of energy, and an amazing body. I don’t know about you guys, but I kinda want a refund. Like, if I would’ve known that coconut water is essentially a more caloric version of water, I never would’ve bought an entire case to keep by my bedside for Sunday mornings. I also wouldn’t have spent $14 on a coconut in Mexico just for the Instagram (but then again that picture got like, 200 likes so don’t hold me to that).
If you’re wondering what the study concluded exactly, here’s a summary of the science behind coconut water:
While coconut water does have some potassium and vitamins in it, it doesn’t have any specific hydrating or weight loss benefits that go along with it. So, people who think of coconut water as a healthy Gatorade are just wrong. In fact, coconut water isn’t as filling as real foods that have the same calories and vitamins in them, so you’re better off just eating healthy foods.
We’re obviously just as outraged as you are, and we’d like to know who started spreading these healthy coconut water rumors in the first place. Seriously, we want names. I don’t think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.
Oh, Passover—you’re back again. Because Passover desserts are often referred to as the 11th plague, we decided a really fucking great coconut macaroon recipe is in order. Funny how Passover is the one time of year you crave desserts—maybe this is what my therapist said about me always wanting what I can’t have. Macaroons are a Passover staple because they’re easy to make and not completely chalky. If you don’t like macaroons, go ahead and pour yourself another glass of Manischewitz. Then another. Then another. Now you’re suddenly hungry for dessert. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
Queen of all things betchy, snotty, and Jewish, Ina Garten is here to help. We’ve adapted her bitchin’ recipe for coconut macaroons 1) because she clearly knows WTF she’s talking about and 2) you know these will be good for all the adults at the party since Ina hates kids and is all about classy shit. We added melted chocolate for dipping because, like, is it really Passover if your grandma doesn’t hint at the fact that you’re getting fat? No. So on that note, make these macaroons and try not to eat them all in one sitting.
- 14 oz. sweetened shredded coconut
- 14 oz. sweetened condensed milk
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- 2 extra large egg whites, at room temperature
- ¼ tsp. kosher salt
- 4 oz. bittersweet chocolate, melted — if you can’t figure out how to melt chocolate, we cannot help you
Preheat your oven to 325F. While that heats up, combine the coconut, condensed milk, and vanilla in a pretty big bowl. Grab your KitchenAid mixer (if you don’t have one, Ina would literally never be your friend) and whip the egg whites and salt on high speed until you’ve got medium-firm peaks. Now pause for some fuckboy to make a joke about the fact that I just said the words “firm peaks.”
CAREFULLY fold the egg whites into the coconut mixture. If you’re rough and not cute about it, that shit will deflate faster than your self-esteem at a runway show or like, your will to not eat bread on the third day of Passover. Too much? Ok, yeah. Let’s go with the runway metaphor.
Drop the batter by rounded ½ tbsps onto sheet pans lined with parchment paper. Bake for about 25 minutes or until those bitches are as golden brown as you aspire to be this summer. Transfer the baking sheets to racks and let cookies cool.
Dip the bottoms of the macaroons into the melted chocolate, letting any extra drip back into the bowl or into your mouth, you animal. Drizzle extra chocolate over the top. Be fancy and Jewish.