As we get on into the scary shit that is adulthood, there are certain skills every betch should possess. Knowing how to fold fitted sheets (still unsure if this can be done), submit taxes, unload a dishwasher, book appointments, and even take care of an animal are all on the list. Feeding, and more importantly, drinking like a king are also up there. Knowing how to make classic drinks without consulting the internet so as to keep yourself and your friends drunk is super fucking important. Here is our definitive list of the drinks you need to memorize and know how to create for whoever walks through your door.

1. Gin & Tonic

It’s two goddamn ingredients, and if you can’t figure it out you don’t deserve to share space with those who do. Add about 2 oz. of gin to a tall glass filled with ice. Squeeze in 2-3 lime wedges, then add them to the glass. Add 3-4 oz. of tonic water and stir.

2. Margarita

Ah, the margarita: a great and terrible decision, all wrapped into one. Luckily for you, making one isn’t really that difficult, since we’re going the classic route and not the blueberry burnt orange top shelf tequila dusted with fair trade sugar route. Run a lime wedge around two glasses and dip the rims in salt (or sugar if you’re a lil bitch). Set aside. In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, combine 4 oz. white tequila (NOT Jose Cuervo), 2 oz. Cointreau, and 1 ½ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit for about 15 seconds. Fill the rimmed glasses with ice and strain the margarita into the glasses. Garnish with lime wedges and serve.

3. Martini

A real martini is made with gin, which, while making you a psychopath for drinking it, isn’t all that bad when added to a simple concoction like the motherfucking classic dry martini. Combine 2 oz. of dry gin with 1 oz. dry vermouth and 1 dash of orange bitters (optional) in a cocktail glass that’s been chilled. Stir well and twist a piece of lemon peel over—then use as garnish. Olives are a faux pas, BY THE WAY.

4. Old Fashioned

Since this is like, probs the OG cocktail, you better know how to make it. Classic recipes abound and it’s not all that difficult. Put 1 tsp sugar in a glass, douse with 2-3 dashes of bitters and a few drops of water. Add whiskey and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Add ice, stir to chill, and garnish with an orange slice.

5. Cosmo

We admit Sarah Jessica Horseface ruined this one for us, but it actually isn’t that bad of a cocktail. I mean, it’s kinda sweet, kinda tart, and kinda really fucking easy to make. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 ½ oz of citrus vodka, ½ oz. Cointreau, ½ oz. cranberry juice, and ¼ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit well and strain into a cold cocktail glass.

6. Mint Julep

So this may be the most difficult of the bunch, and that isn’t saying much. If you live in the dirty south or raise horses/make bank on horses in Kentucky, you better know how to make this recipe as well as you can stalk an ex’s girlfriend’s mother’s brother within 30 seconds of finding out their middle initial. Place 2 tsp. simple syrup in a tall glass and add about 10 fresh mint leaves. Muddle that shit until they’re bruised, but not totally destroyed. Half fill the glass with crushed ice and add 3 oz. of good bourbon, stirring to combine. Add more crushed ice and add a few sprigs of fresh mint on top. Serve with a short straw. 

Congratulations, and welcome to society, ya filthy animal.

Everyone knows a true betch’s summer go-to beverage is a nice tall glass (or bottle, whatever) of rosé. It’s cold, it’s pretty, it has alcohol in it, it’s delicious. Did I mention it has alcohol? But sometimes wine drunk doesn’t cut it. Like, maybe I wanna get my drink on but not fall asleep after an hour only to wake up to the world’s worst headache. Fucking sue me. Or maybe I just had a very stressful day of doing the bare minimum and need to black out for a while and recalibrate my emotions. I mean, not that you can’t black out on rosé. I’ve done countless experiments here and I assure you, it can be done, but it just takes a little more time and a lot more calories than a few well-timed shots of clear liquor would. Well now, thanks to Wolffer’s vineyard in the Hamptons, you can get liquor drunk with rosé vibes. How you might ask? Gin made from rosé. Did you hear that thud? It was me dropping the mic.

If you’re wondering how this is possible, you’ve come to the wrong place because I’m not a gin distiller sry, but apparently gin just has to be a clear alcoholic drink made of neutral spirits and juniper berries, so the term “gin” is a loose one. I even Merriam-Webster’d that shit.

Now that’s what I call research. Am I a legit journalist? Only time will tell. My Googling research also taught me that, in order to turn wine into gin, Wolffer uses copper stills to create pure alcohol from rosé, then adds juniper berries and other shit to make it gin-y. A touch of red grape skin extract enhances the pink color to really take it to a faker the next level.

If you know anything about anything, you know that rosé is for basics and gin is for hipsters, fucking duh. You might also remember that there is scientific evidence that proves only psychopaths drink gin. So now you don’t have to fit in a bubble. Don’t let society tell you you have to choose. You can be both basic and a psycho. That’s what makes this country so great. (Though maybe try not being a hipster. Society as a whole is like, done with that.) You wanna wear Uggs on your feet and a beanie on your head while contemplating murder? Fucking do it. Just make sure you have a glass of rosé gin in your hand. And jk about the murder part.

In keeping with all things warm, sunny, tan, and refreshing, we need dranks! But when you’re sitting around trying to get as blackout as possible, not just any drink will do. Sure, we could knock back million calorie piña coladas or try to chug rosé (and like, we know we’ll fail) to try and beat the heat, but it just wouldn’t get the job done.

We all know that a true, straight long island iced tea will get you fucked up faster than you can say “more ice, bitch.” And it’s time you, as an adult, learned to make one on your own.

Ingredients:
·        ½ oz Triple Sec

·        ½ oz white rum

·        ½ oz gin (don’t use anything blue, homie)

·        ½ oz vodka

·        ½ oz white tequila (um so like, not Jose)

·        1 oz sour mix

·        Cola (shit, you could even use diet if you want)

·        Lemon wedges

Grab a cocktail shaker and fill it with ice. Mix together everything except the cola. Strain into a highball or Collins glass filled with ice and top that shit off with the cola. Garnish with a lemon and enjoy your trip, betch. Just make sure you have at least one person in your crew who didn’t drink one of these. They’ll be responsible for remember what happens later. 

Ah, July 4th—a holiday created so that Americans can fondly remember the time they threw off the yoke of tyranny and oppression so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted including ditching British accents, eating hot dogs, and electing a president not at all qualified to do his job.

If you’ve ever been on the internet during or around an American holiday, you’ve seen patriotic cocktails, i.e., red and white and/or blue cocktails making the rounds.

This shit would make an eagle cry tears of joy and George Washington jizz his pants. With July 4th a few days away, and you likely without anything to make for your guests at this year’s fireworks fucktacular, you better get your shit together and make these tributes to those dudes who signed the declaration. We appropriately adapted the following recipes from the American woman’s bible, Cosmopolitan.

The American

-1 ½ oz. berry flavored vodka

-1 oz. sliced strawberries

-3 oz. spiked seltzer

-2 oz. coconut water

Put the strawberries in the bottom of a tall glass. Add ice, vodka, spiked seltzer, and the coconut water. Float some blueberries on top and fuck, it’s America in a glass.
 

Explosion For America

-¾ oz grenadine

-1 ¼ oz blue curaçao

-1 ½ oz vodka

-1 oz spiked lemonade (like Mike’s or some shit)

Grab a tall-ass glass and pour the grenadine into the bottom. Add ice on top. Super fucking gently pour the curaçao over the grenadine so it lays on top but doesn’t really mix. In a cocktail shaker filled with more ice, combine the vodka and spiked lemonade, then gently strain that mixture over the curacao. If you did it right, you have some really patriotic shit going on.

Well, tis the season for green booze, again. But before you go dry-heaving reminiscing about last year’s rivers of green vomit, do yourself a favor and make a legit, delicious, and decadent alcoholic Shamrock Shake. You won’t find this shit at McDonald’s. Is it diet friendly? No. Is it a dessert in and of itself? Hell yas. This recipe is an easy AF way to take your St. Paddy’s day pregame to the next level. You’re definitely going to want to do this for the pregame, BTW. This recipe is easy but not like, doable-after-a-pub-crawl easy. I can barely even re-heat soup after a pub crawl, TBH. Best to stay away from the blender. 

Ingredients

• 1 ¾ cups Vanilla Ice Cream — get the good shit
• ¼ cup Crème de Menthe
• ¼ cup vanilla vodka
• Three to four sprigs fresh mint

Take all that shit and throw it in your Vitamix. Blend until smooth. Top off with whipped cream and a cherry to feel festive. Shit, throw some mini chocolate chips in there to make yourself feel better and get ready to wake up tomorrow morning and wonder what happened to all your vanilla ice cream. 

OBVIOUSLY you’ll need a drink come Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re single, listening to your friend’s relationship problems, or dropping hints to your significant other over this shit holiday, alcohol should probs be involved.

We look to none other than the classic Cosmopolitan cocktail. Supposedly created in the 30s out of gin, Cointreau, lemon juice, and raspberry syrup, we honestly can’t think of a better drink to celebrate this pink-drenched holiday. We know Sex and the City sorta ruined it for everyone, but a classic is a classic, like black on black and Chanel.

Ingredients

• 1 ½ oz vodka
• ¾ oz triple sec
• ½ oz cranberry juice
• Freshly squeezed lime juice
• Ice

Chill your cocktail glass in the freezer for a few minutes so that you have a chic, cold glass. While it’s chilling, break out your cocktail shaker and combine the vodka, triple sec, cranberry juice, and a splash of the lime juice—then fill halfway with ice. That’s it—the hard part is over. 

Shake for like, awhile, until the shaker is sorta icy and uncomfortable—like your heart. Strain into your chilled glass, and drink like, three of these.
 

Unfortunately for us—and like, the world—tomorrow Donald Trump, human Cheeto, will become President of the United States.

In order to kind of try to forget, we need a drink. A really strong one. Laced with Xanax, probably. But we digress. If you’re like us and borderline ready for entertainment/marches/loud protests tomorrow, make a drink that can hang.

Ingredients

• 1 oz. vodka
• 1 tbsp. honey
• ½ oz. lime juice
• ½ oz. orange juice

In a cocktail shaker, shake together alllllll of the ingredients. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass, garnish with orange slice, and knock that shit back.

Oh, you need more orange alcohol recipes? Okay.

Ingredients

• 1 shot whipped cream flavored vodka
• 2 shots orange juice
• ½ shot Triple Sec

Shake ingredients together then pour into a chilled cocktail glass.

Ok one more so we can get on the path to Blackout Town.

Ingredients

• 1 oz. silver tequila
• 2/3 oz. Triple Sec
• 2/3 oz. orange juice
• 2/3 oz. lemon juice
• Dash of salt

Shake everything together then pour into a chilled glass full of ice. Garnish with a strawberry, if you feel fancy.

Let’s make America drunk again.