Give me alcohol, or give me death. Unfortunately, drinking mixed drinks often means drinking lots of extra calories, which nobody wants. To avoid this, we’re constantly on the hunt for zero calorie mixers. What can help water down the alcohol so we don’t die while infusing delicious flavor so that we also don’t gag? Turns out, there aren’t too many completely zero calorie mixers in the world, but we found our favorite five so you can get drunk and enjoy the ride there, too.
WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE. If you aren’t using LaCroix as your number one most desired zero calorie mixer, get with the fucking program. It goes great with vodka. It does wonders with tequila. It makes gin fucking palatable. All LaCroix is zero calories and all LaCroix is your dietary friend. We even figured out which flavor tastes amazing with which alcohol, so you have literally no excuse to not use LaCroix for everything, including as your go-to zero calorie mixer.
HEAR ME OUT. We know that Diet Coke is life, but Cherry Coke Zero is not bad and actually works really fucking well with for a little Jack and coke or anything involving whiskey, ya feel me? Obviously it’s zero calories, has a decent flavor, and you can probably find it even if you’re blackout and stuck near a vending machine.
3. Be Mixed
All the Be Mixed mixers are zero calories, low in carbs, and made with fresh juice and natural sweeteners. The only big “if” here is for the erythritol, which can bother some sensitive betches’ tummies, but otherwise, these are great zero calorie mixers. They come in flavors like ginger lime (perf for mules), margarita (you know what that’s about), and cucumber mint (gin’s new best friend).
Ever heard of it? These are kind of fun, in that they’re literally the Crystal Lite packets of our generation. Grab your liquor, grab your club soda, then throw in this little powder packet in whatever flavor you want (margarita, cosmo, and more). It adds all the flavor you want without the extra calories of juice or soda.
These are relatively new to me, but they’re legit. Zero calorie sodas with zero sugar, no artificial sweeteners, gluten-free, non-GMO, etc. Naturally, they mix pretty flawlessly with anything you’d use soda for anyway. Grab the ginger ale flavor for a poor man’s dark and stormy; use the Zevia Root Beer with that Pinnacle Whipped Cream vodka we all love to hate. The possibilities are endless. Zevia also has a line of sparkling waters that aren’t horrendous, either.
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If you’re mixing a drink, you’re adding layers of bubbling fat to your waistline, probably. Unfortunately for like, all of us, cocktails and mixed drinks aren’t exactly healthy, as we explained with this list of cocktails making you fluffy. Because we can’t give the bad without offering a silver lining, we did some investigatory journalism (i.e. got drunk on a bunch of mixed drinks) to bestow upon you a fantastic roundup of low-calorie mixers that won’t undo your diet. Of course, not adding a mixer at all and drinking your vodka on the rocks with a splash of lime (LIKE AN ADULT) would be the most low-calorie way to get drunk, but you do you.
1. Tres Agaves Margarita Mixer
Most marg mixers are going to set you back a whopping 110 calories, and that’s before you even add your booze and salted rim (SAD). Tres Agaves’ marg mix is only 68 calories per serving AND certified organic. P.S. There’s also no high fructose corn syrup so you can like, feel kind of great about knocking back that marg.
2. Fever-Tree Naturally Light Indian Tonic Water
Fun fact: a gin and tonic is not good for you. Why? Because regular tonic is full of calories and sodium, making your fingers swell and look like tiny sausages. Fever Tree’s Naturally Light Indian Tonic Water has about 84% less calories than regular tonic and has no artificial ingredients. So now you can be a psycho and sip your G&T without fear of getting fat! Praise be. It’s also only 35 calories PER BOTTLE.
3. Scales Bloody Mary Mix
A lot of Bloody mixes are full of MSG, that fun thing we all know from Chinese food, and lots of weird additives which are probs giving everyone cancer (don’t quote me on that). Scales uses regular sea salt and has enough veggies for your full serving of vitamin C, making this shit practically healthy. Plus, for every three oz., you’re only imbibing 25 calories.
4. Reed’s Light 55 Ginger Brew
If you’re still on the Moscow Mule wagon, or you enjoy the occasional Dark N Stormy, ginger beer is a staple in your fridge. But if you wanna skimp on calories without trying to chug a tasteless, watery cocktail, grab Reed’s Light. It’s only got 55 calories for the whole 12 oz. bottle.
5. Be Mixed
This line of mixers is made with fresh fruit juice and natural sweeteners (from monk fruit, which I’ve never heard of and which probably grows somewhere I’ve never been), so it’s a great go-to for those searching for a ZERO CALORIE MIXER. Yes, really. With flavors like Ginger Lime, Cucumber Mint, Margarita, and several others, you def need to be keeping these on hand.
6. Tres Agaves Bloody Mary Mix
Like its sister, the Tres Agaves Margarita Mixer, the Bloody mix from this same line is equally NOMS. At only 30 calories per serving, this vegan, gluten-free, and USDA Certified Organic mix is great for the health weirdo you just befriended that still likes to get shitfaced at brunch. Yay!
7. The Hudson Standard Shrub
If you’re one of those yoga freaks totally in-tune healthy people, you’re probably all about shrub. This shit tastes like carbonated apple cider vinegar, sweetened with natural fruit flavors and spices, in the best way possible. Sweet, sour, and it has probiotics, The Hudson Standard shrub works with almost any booze you use it with. Stay woke.
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