Give me alcohol, or give me death. Unfortunately, drinking mixed drinks often means drinking lots of extra calories, which nobody wants. To avoid this, we’re constantly on the hunt for zero calorie mixers. What can help water down the alcohol so we don’t die while infusing delicious flavor so that we also don’t gag? Turns out, there aren’t too many completely zero calorie mixers in the world, but we found our favorite five so you can get drunk and enjoy the ride there, too.
WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE. If you aren’t using LaCroix as your number one most desired zero calorie mixer, get with the fucking program. It goes great with vodka. It does wonders with tequila. It makes gin fucking palatable. All LaCroix is zero calories and all LaCroix is your dietary friend. We even figured out which flavor tastes amazing with which alcohol, so you have literally no excuse to not use LaCroix for everything, including as your go-to zero calorie mixer.
HEAR ME OUT. We know that Diet Coke is life, but Cherry Coke Zero is not bad and actually works really fucking well with for a little Jack and coke or anything involving whiskey, ya feel me? Obviously it’s zero calories, has a decent flavor, and you can probably find it even if you’re blackout and stuck near a vending machine.
3. Be Mixed
All the Be Mixed mixers are zero calories, low in carbs, and made with fresh juice and natural sweeteners. The only big “if” here is for the erythritol, which can bother some sensitive betches’ tummies, but otherwise, these are great zero calorie mixers. They come in flavors like ginger lime (perf for mules), margarita (you know what that’s about), and cucumber mint (gin’s new best friend).
Ever heard of it? These are kind of fun, in that they’re literally the Crystal Lite packets of our generation. Grab your liquor, grab your club soda, then throw in this little powder packet in whatever flavor you want (margarita, cosmo, and more). It adds all the flavor you want without the extra calories of juice or soda.
These are relatively new to me, but they’re legit. Zero calorie sodas with zero sugar, no artificial sweeteners, gluten-free, non-GMO, etc. Naturally, they mix pretty flawlessly with anything you’d use soda for anyway. Grab the ginger ale flavor for a poor man’s dark and stormy; use the Zevia Root Beer with that Pinnacle Whipped Cream vodka we all love to hate. The possibilities are endless. Zevia also has a line of sparkling waters that aren’t horrendous, either.
Images: rawpixel / Unsplash; Amazon (5)
Hooray for cocktails! Honestly, we feel v classy while sitting and sippin’ on something colorful and cute. It’s like, who we are as people. But we don’t feel cute come the splitting headache, irritability (more than usual), general feeling that we’re dying, and potential for barfing in our eggs benedict at brunch the next morning. Yes, drinking is fun, but hangovers are the worst. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice we grapple with every day. Since the beginning of time (I assume), people have been looking for how to drink without getting hungover. In general, to avoid a hangover, stick with vodka and gin, plain and simple. Additionally, the higher shelf the liquor is, the better, since the filtration processes are going to remove more unwanted shit. So, when given the choice between Grey Goose and Dubra (FLASHBACK FLASHBACK HELP), go ahead and splurge on the Grey Goose.
Secondly, your mixer should be natural and/or sugar-free. So, carbonated water, unflavored soda, and pure fruit choices are going to be the best choices if you want a weekend that doesn’t require you to inhale a pizza to feel better. Don’t want to do any brain work and figure out a cocktail using the above tips? I did it for you. These cocktails will help you along your journey of figuring outhow to drink without getting hungover, Or like, more accurately, how to drink without getting *as* hungover. Don’t chug twice as many vodka waters as you normally would and @ me. That’s not how this works.
1. Vodka Soda
YAS QUEEN YAS. No one should be surprised that the reigning queen of betchy drinks, the low-calorie vodka soda, can do no wrong in terms of hangovers, either. Since vodka has almost no congeners, which is a fancy name for added shit, it doesn’t contribute as badly to the Sunday morning regrets (in terms of your body … not who you texted). Add in soda water, which has no sugar, and you’re well on your way to having a headache-free morning. Praise be.
2. Sea Breeze
Since this cocktail sounds like the given name of a 1980s cruise ship, you probably aren’t too familiar with it. SURPRISE, SURPRISE—it’s our old friend, vodka, with grapefruit and cranberry juice, coming in HOT for a hangover-free weekend. As we know from extensive research, vodka is the best choice in liquor for avoiding a hangover. Add in some real cranberry juice (not cranberry juice cocktail) and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice for a refreshing combo that 1985 would be proud of. Break out the shoulder pads.
3. Tom Collins
You know a cocktail’s gonna be good when it sounds like a fancy British man. The Tom Collins combines gin, lemon juice, sugar, and carbonated water. Gin is a clear liquor (or like, blue), so it’s a good option that won’t make you as hungover. Lemon juice has pretty much no sugar—same goes for carbonated water, so we’re in the clear there. The sugar can pose a bit of a problem, but if you’re making the cocktail yourself, just chill on the sweet shit and you should be fine. This is like the adult’s answer to lemonade.
Wanna pretend you’re on Mad Men and lacking in basic human rights? Time to pound a martini! The classic gin martini (vodka martinis are delicious but they are for trash people … although that probs won’t give you a hangover either) is essentially a splash of dry vermouth (not enough to even matter) with gin and an olive or lemon peel. No sugar here. I mean, this is literally a glorified shot in a bigger glass.
5. Gin & Tonic
Remember: If you drink gin and tonics you may be a psycho, but you probably won’t get that hungover. Tonic has a fuckton of sodium, so you may bloat, but the lack of sugar in the gin or the tonic means you’re pretty well on your way to not throwing up at brunch again.
Images: Kaizen Nguyen / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
If you’re mixing a drink, you’re adding layers of bubbling fat to your waistline, probably. Unfortunately for like, all of us, cocktails and mixed drinks aren’t exactly healthy, as we explained with this list of cocktails making you fluffy. Because we can’t give the bad without offering a silver lining, we did some investigatory journalism (i.e. got drunk on a bunch of mixed drinks) to bestow upon you a fantastic roundup of low-calorie mixers that won’t undo your diet. Of course, not adding a mixer at all and drinking your vodka on the rocks with a splash of lime (LIKE AN ADULT) would be the most low-calorie way to get drunk, but you do you.
1. Tres Agaves Margarita Mixer
Most marg mixers are going to set you back a whopping 110 calories, and that’s before you even add your booze and salted rim (SAD). Tres Agaves’ marg mix is only 68 calories per serving AND certified organic. P.S. There’s also no high fructose corn syrup so you can like, feel kind of great about knocking back that marg.
2. Fever-Tree Naturally Light Indian Tonic Water
Fun fact: a gin and tonic is not good for you. Why? Because regular tonic is full of calories and sodium, making your fingers swell and look like tiny sausages. Fever Tree’s Naturally Light Indian Tonic Water has about 84% less calories than regular tonic and has no artificial ingredients. So now you can be a psycho and sip your G&T without fear of getting fat! Praise be. It’s also only 35 calories PER BOTTLE.
3. Scales Bloody Mary Mix
A lot of Bloody mixes are full of MSG, that fun thing we all know from Chinese food, and lots of weird additives which are probs giving everyone cancer (don’t quote me on that). Scales uses regular sea salt and has enough veggies for your full serving of vitamin C, making this shit practically healthy. Plus, for every three oz., you’re only imbibing 25 calories.
4. Reed’s Light 55 Ginger Brew
If you’re still on the Moscow Mule wagon, or you enjoy the occasional Dark N Stormy, ginger beer is a staple in your fridge. But if you wanna skimp on calories without trying to chug a tasteless, watery cocktail, grab Reed’s Light. It’s only got 55 calories for the whole 12 oz. bottle.
5. Be Mixed
This line of mixers is made with fresh fruit juice and natural sweeteners (from monk fruit, which I’ve never heard of and which probably grows somewhere I’ve never been), so it’s a great go-to for those searching for a ZERO CALORIE MIXER. Yes, really. With flavors like Ginger Lime, Cucumber Mint, Margarita, and several others, you def need to be keeping these on hand.
6. Tres Agaves Bloody Mary Mix
Like its sister, the Tres Agaves Margarita Mixer, the Bloody mix from this same line is equally NOMS. At only 30 calories per serving, this vegan, gluten-free, and USDA Certified Organic mix is great for the health weirdo you just befriended that still likes to get shitfaced at brunch. Yay!
7. The Hudson Standard Shrub
If you’re one of those yoga freaks totally in-tune healthy people, you’re probably all about shrub. This shit tastes like carbonated apple cider vinegar, sweetened with natural fruit flavors and spices, in the best way possible. Sweet, sour, and it has probiotics, The Hudson Standard shrub works with almost any booze you use it with. Stay woke.
Images: Jens Theeß / Unsplash; Amazon (7)