It goes without saying that none of us are Beyoncé.
I am not Beyoncé. You are not Beyoncé. Your coworker with the mug that says “you have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyoncé” is delusional—and also not Beyoncé. If Beyoncé is reading this, then she is, in fact, Beyoncé, but I have a feeling she is not taking time out of one of those precious hours that you apparently also have to read what I have to say. However, if anyone finds evidence to the contrary, please send it my way ASAP so I can ride that high for the rest of my life.
Lest you live in a cave in the Appalachians, you’ve likely heard of the Netflix documentary Homecoming, which follows Beyoncé in the run-up to her groundbreaking 2018 Coachella performance. The film covers her journey from the very beginning all the way through to the actual show, detailing creative concepting, rehearsals, and the kinds of preparation she underwent in order to be ready for such a performance just a little under a year after giving birth to her twins.
How does one manage to look the way that Beyoncé did on that stage a mere 10 months after housing and then birthing two human children? Well for starters, by cutting out every enjoyable food group possible. “In order for me to meet my goals, I’m limiting myself to no bread, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy, no meat, no fish, no alcohol.” You know what else she said? “I’m hungry.” It’s the only thing we’ve ever had in common.
If this sounds unhealthy to you, that’s because it pretty much is. Doctors say so. My body said so. Hell, even Beyoncé admitted it, going so far as to say that she’d “never…never push that far again.” She was likely referring to the strict diet combined with insane rehearsal hours and general exhaustion that accompanies raising two infants, but I’m still going to use it to validate myself.
In short, and as we have covered multiple times across multiple journeys, extremely restrictive diets are bad for you. Full stop. All of the food groups that you’ve been taught to avoid like the plague—carbs, dairy, anything that isn’t leafy green—have nutrients your body needs, in moderation. But for some people, myself included, it’s easier to deny yourself of something altogether than to limit yourself to small amounts of it. It’s the definition of all-or-nothing and a terrible crutch to go through life with, but this is real, this is me.
You see, I’ve never looked at one single thing Beyoncé has done and then thought to myself “hey, I bet I could do that.” The singing? Not with 100 years of vocal coaching. The dancing? You’d have to replace every single one of my joints with functioning ones, and it’d still be a stretch. The ability to look at Jay-Z post-Lemonade and still want to have sex with him? God given. But this? A sh*tty diet? This is my wheelhouse. At last, Beyoncé and I might be on equal footing. Her footing may be exponentially more coordinated, but equal nonetheless.
Lol, jk. I never stood a chance.
Like almost every other aspect of her life, the exact details of Beyoncé’s diet are shrouded in secrecy, leaving me to make a lot of assumptions and take a lot of liberties. Just the way she would have wanted it, I’m sure. Basically, if she didn’t say I couldn’t have it in that single quote from the documentary, I ate it. This allowed me to introduce legumes and nuts into my regimen, which became vital in both not starving to death and not becoming entirely narcoleptic.
For three days I tried eating like Beyoncé and all in all, it wasn’t terrible. Sure, it could have been a lot better than it was, but I was never truly miserable in the ways that other diets have made me feel. But instead of detailing my day-by-day experience for you, which was relatively mundane, all things considered, I’ll present some learnings that will come in handy should any of you decide to embark on the Beyoncé diet on your own.
1. You Will Have To Try
I live in a vegan-friendly city and know there are a lot of great options out there, but none that I felt like tackling on my own. Rather than expend any real effort on things like meal planning or, I don’t know, actual cooking, I stuck to salads, vegetables and hummus, and fruit. For three days, this was totally fine. Any longer than that and I imagine things would have gotten real boring real quick. I have a feeling Beyoncé has a chef on hand to prepare meals that are far more exciting than my lentil salad but that’s a luxury that, tragically, I couldn’t afford.
2. You Will Be Tired
It’s difficult to come across protein in diet that consists almost entirely of fruits and vegetables. I did my best with the addition of beans and nuts, but it didn’t really compare to the meat I’m used to consuming on a daily basis. I wasn’t brave enough to venture into the world of Tofu or meat substitutes, and wasn’t even entirely sure it was something I was allowed to have, so I spent a lot of time being tired and then trying to compensate with black coffee. You know what doesn’t sit well on a stomach full of greens and almost nothing else? Black coffee.
3. You Will Be Hungry
Not all the time—just more often than usual. Fruits and vegetables can be filling, but not for long periods of time. I found myself needing more frequent snacks than usual, especially in the afternoon during the time I’d typically still be full from a normal lunch. Thanks to an office kitchen stocked with Beyoncé-friendly snacks, I took to walking around with a pocket full of pistachios at almost all times. It’s not a cute habit, would not recommend.
4. You Will Need To Re-Evaluate Meals
You know what I’ve learned over the past three days? Time is a social construct, as is the food we assign to it. Once upon a time, breakfast meant eggs and bacon. Now, it means literally anything I am allowed to eat within the confines of this strict-ass diet. Once you realize that the only thing stopping you from eating dinner for breakfast is yourself, you’ll be unstoppable. A leftover veggie skewer at 8am? Why not! Hummus before work? Do it! Grapefruits for every meal in between? The world is your oyster. Except not really, because seafood isn’t allowed. But given the opportunity, I would have eaten oysters for breakfast.
5. You Should Definitely Drink Alcohol
Yeah, so I realize she explicitly said “no alcohol” but here’s what I learned: Wou will never be a cheaper date than after three straight days of eating almost exclusively vegetables. I’m serious. Wednesday night was the most cost-effective night of my life, and I woke up without even a hint of a hangover. Not sure if I can attribute the second part of that to Beyoncé, but I’m going to do it anyway. Obviously you need to avoid the more sugary drinks, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time.
After only a few days of trying to live vaguely like Beyoncé, I don’t think I lost any actual weight. This wasn’t unexpected; it was three days. However, I do feel better.
While not sustainable in the long term, I found this diet to be a great way of resetting both your mind and body. The past two weeks have been a bit indulgent on my part, and this was helpful in getting me back on track and curbing the cravings that I might have succumbed to otherwise.
Plus, being hungry as often as I was forced me to drink more water, and it turns out being hydrated feels really nice. Who knew?
While this was a fun experiment, it warrants saying this: Beyoncé does not want you to live like this. That woman loves food. That woman loves life. That woman loves not starving to death, and most importantly, that woman loves you. Do not limit yourself because Beyoncé did, but rather, live a life that Beyoncé would be proud of. One of moderation, with a few cheats here and there. One where you let yourself enjoy things without feeling bad about them. One where you stream Lemonade on Spotify. IDK, just spitballing here, but it feels like it’s what she’d want.
Images: Giphy (3)
Coachella is truly a wild place, and anything can happen when you put hundreds of celebrities in the middle of the desert with lots of
drugs free sponsored alcohol. By weekend two, things start to get a little ~yikes~, and it’s basically like last call at a desperate college bar. This is where burgeoning new relationships/flirtationships get witnessed by lots of sources eager to run to the tabloids, and I’m 100% here for it. Today’s social media deep dive is brought to you by Bella Hadid and up-and-coming rapper KYLE (which I will henceforth write as ‘Kyle’ because all-caps is annoying AF).
First of all, let’s address a little Coachella drama that Bella Hadid dealt with during the much more A-list weekend one. Last Monday, E! News reported that Bella and her ex The Weeknd were spotted “kissing all night” at an after party, which would qualify as an extremely major development. As we’ve discussed before, Bella and The Weeknd were an amazing couple, and rumors of their reunion last fall seriously messed with my mind. Bella was not here for the rumors, and she immediately commented on E!’s insta, saying that it wasn’t her. God bless Bella, that was so easy. If this were Taylor Swift, there would’ve been a brutal six-week long PR campaign to shame whoever started the rumor, followed by an even longer “can’t we all get along and stop makeout-shaming each other” campaign.
So if Bella Hadid wasn’t busy making out with The Weeknd at Coachella, who was she spending time with?? That’s where Kyle comes into the picture. Kyle (formerly known as K.i.D.) is a 24-year-old rapper from California, and his biggest song so far was “iSpy,” which featured Lil Yachty. His debut album is coming out next month, so it’s a major moment for him right now. He performed at Coachella with Chance the Rapper, which means he’s probably very cool. I’m intrigued.
Gigi and Bella Hadid went to the Bootsy Bellows Pool Party at Coachella, where Kyle was also on the guest list. At the party, sources reported that Bella was definitely flirting with Kyle, and that the two were seen exchanging phone numbers. So basically they’ll be engaged by the end of the month, right? One of my favorite anonymous Page Six sources ever provided some great commentary: “It for sure looked flirty. Bella was being very flirty that day . . . She was on a mission.” Okay Bella, work!! While Bella was on her flirting mission, Gigi reportedly ate two McDonald’s burgers in three minutes, which is truly the kind of content I need in my life.
So did Bella and Kyle find love in a hopeless place (a sponsored party at weekend two of Coachella)? It’s definitely too soon to tell, but I have a feeling this won’t be a relationship we’re hearing about six months from now. Kyle is a cute hip-hop artist, which is obviously Bella’s type, but there’s one major problem: Kyle follows Bella on Instagram, but she hasn’t returned the favor. That can’t be a good sign. Bella has over 17 million Instagram followers, so she clearly isn’t too worried about her ratio. To be fair, Bella probably gets like 10 million DMs a day, so maybe she just doesn’t really pay attention to anyone on Insta. Now that I think about it, she definitely seems like the type of girl who texts the group chat asking them to like her photo, but literally never likes anything. She’s just, like, busy!
So stay tuned for further news about Kyle and Bella, or ideally further news about Bella getting back with The Weeknd. Don’t @ me, I know I shouldn’t care, but I just DO. No matter what happens, good for Bella for making the most out of being at both weekends of Coachella (bleak), and congrats to Gigi on eating those hamburgers so quickly. When’s lunch?
Images: Shutterstock; @enews, @superduperkyle, @bellahadid / Instagram
Happy spring, betches! As soon as this snow bullshit stops, we’ll soon be
drunk on a Wednesday afternoon living our very best lives. With spring’s arrival also comes an unofficial (but low-key official) season that happens to be my absolute favorite time of the year: festival season. The most anticipated of the bunch is, without a doubt, Coachella—the one place where all of our favorite celebrities black out, wear designer flower crowns, and find true love. I assume—I’ve never been, because I don’t have an extra grand lying around. But enough about me. Not only is Coachella a literal two weekend-long shit show in a desert, but it’s the most ~lit~ time and place to be a wild child and experiment with some crazy-ass fashion trends, just because Vanessa Hudgens does it you can. Whether you’re planning to go solo, with a spring fling, or your festie bestie, you’ll need the hottest trends to style with. Here are the best Coachella fashion trends to give you all the fashion inspo you need.
1. Topshop Square Neck Ponte Bodysuit
Pretending the whole “peeing while you’re naked thing” doesn’t exist, bodysuits are always a yes for festivals. The less fabric you wear, the less you’re profusely sweating. You want a bodysuit you can take an artsy candid in, like this one from Topshop. Let’s be real, Coachella is basically one giant Instagram festival, and Coachella fashion is all about how you’ll look in pictures.
2. Lovers + Friends Jack High-Rise Short
As if this wasn’t already a given. If maxi skirts aren’t your thing, obviously you can never go wrong with a pair of trendy high-waisted shorts with, like, the cutest effing shirt you have ever seen. Or a bodysuit! Remember, there are two weekends of this shit, so you can mix and match without spending all your money.
3. Showpo First In Line Two Piece Set In White Paisley Print
What better to make your life 10 times easier than a set that already comes with a matching top and bottom? If you’re looking to go full Vanessa Hudgens with your Coachella fashion look, you’ll want a boho chic maxi skirt with some floral hippie pattern that makes you look both v skinny and super tan.
4. Anthropologie Logan Layered Y-Necklace
For some reason, despite the sweltering heat, statement jewelry is an essential part of Coachella fashion. The problem? The last thing you want to have weighing on your chest is a big af necklace when you already feel your boob sweat. You also don’t want to be that crazy person rocking a velvet choker in 90-degree heat. (Again, I have no idea how hot it really gets at Coachella because—one more time for the people in back—I have never been.) Anyway, when it comes to necklaces you’ll want to opt for a dainty piece that won’t strangle you, like this subtle layered necklace.
5. Urban Outfitters Brixton Field Hat
Thank god, fedora-style hats are actually a trend rn, otherwise we’d all look like fucking idiots. Not only is it kind of cute the more you look at it, but being in any desert under the scorching sun will probs give your scalp a legit sunburn. Prevent that shit by opting for one of these guys.
6. ASOS TOUCAN Wedge Sandals
Chic booties are cute and all, but let’s be real. You’re not going to last more than 4 hours in them if you’re drunk frolicking and dropping it low in front of a stage. Stick with sandals you can last in, but cute ones that add a little bit of height to your look with a slight platform so you can like, actually see Beyoncé’s performance even if you didn’t camp out at the stage five hours in advance.
Images: Brandy Melville (1); Revolve (1); Showpo (1); Anthropologie (1); Urban Outfitters (1); ASOS (1)
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