In Another Blow To 2000s Nostalgia, Coach Announces Name Change

In case the fact that your hangovers now last like, an eternity wasn’t indication enough, you’re kind of on your way to getting old AF. Yet another company has made moves to prove that your childhood is totally over. CoverGirl is no longer easy, breezy, AIM is currently RIP, and now Coach isn’t even called Coach anymore.

The company responsible for your favorite Hanukkah present from 2006 announced that it’s now going to call itself Tapestry. Realistically, this doesn’t actually affect anyone because nobody rocks Coach besides Selena Gomez these days since she’s probably contractually obligated to. And maybe some good will come out of this change, like retiring those horrendous opposite-facing C’s forever. However, it’s still sad in the same way that it’s sad to see that your prom date now posts filtered selfies on Facebook. It doesn’t really matter, but change is still hard to swallow.

Apparently Coach’s name change is meant to reflect the fact that the company also includes the Kate Spade and Stuart Weitzman brands, but we all know it’s probably because they’re trying to distance themselves from their reputation as the company that makes the flip flop wedges and trendy librarian loafers taking up prime shelf space at Nordstrom Rack. Ugh, wait. I just read that Coach will still continue to make Coach bags, just they will be doing so under the larger brand, whose name will now be Tapestry. Well that’s underwhelming, but my point about the C’s still stands. End it.

Regardless, just like deleting drunk texts in the morning doesn’t change the fact that you’ve sent them, renaming a company isn’t really enough for a rebrand. Coach Tapestry better have big plans, or at least a Kylie Jenner endorsement in the works, if they expect any of us to start buying their shit again. 

Read: What Your AIM Screen Name Reveals About The Kind Of Awkward Middle Schooler You Were
Coach Bought Kate Spade And Now They’re Officially Over

It has been officially announced that Coach, the brand responsible for the designer bags every teenager threw at LEAST one total betch fit over in 2006, has bought Kate Spade for $2.4 billion (which is about $2.3 billion more than I thought Coach was even worth tbh). Are your ears ringing? That’s the sound of all the world’s trendy betches with a preppy leaning letting out a collective “ew.”

Sure, Coach was once a HHBIC (I’m temporarily defining that as Head Handbag Betch In Charge solely for the purpose of this article), but even in its prime it wasn’t number one. Don’t believe me? Take a look back at Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Carla Santini’s blonde minion carried a Coach bag, which meant they were definitely cool.

Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen

Actually, I take it all back. Carla’s minion carried a very obviously FAKE Coach bag, which is just embarrassing overall. I suppose you could extrapolate that Coach was cool and that Life With Derek chick’s character was too poor to afford the real shit, which is honestly pretty depressing. A moment of silence for this povo and her mall kiosk fake.

However, the important part is this: Carla—who we all still aspire to become—carried Burberry, proving that although you were once super pumped to unwrap a Coach wristlet for Christmas or Hanukkah, there was still some richer betch crying that she received a Burberry instead of a Louis. Everyone knows there’s a handbag hierarchy, and although Coach was once a decent middle-ground contender, it’s now fallen flatter than Nicki Minaj’s ass. Like, when your boyfriend got you a Coach wallet for your birthday two years ago, you were convinced that he was cheating on you because he didn’t love you anymore.

Recently, though, Coach has been trying to step up its game. While I appreciate the effort, they’re totally wasting their time. Like, I guess sending their ambassador, Selena Gomez, to the Met Gala with a bag that matches her tattoo is like, a sweet sentiment or whatever, but in a world where all it takes is Kylie Jenner repurposing one of Kris’s bags from the last decade to totally resurrect a brand, it just feels like they’re trying way too hard. If Juicy Couture could make a natural comeback after filing for bankruptcy and selling their shit in Kohl’s, Coach was probably only a few months away from redemption. However, the backlash from this merger is prob going to screw that all up for them, which sucks, I guess.

Not Interested

While I’m definitely in the camp of people trying to decide if this buyout means that I’m supposed to now hate my Kate Spade bag or run back to my parents’ house to fish my Coach clutches out of my childhood closet, I also think that everyone needs to chill TF out. It’s not like Coach is coming for anything too precious. Sure, I’m all for Kate Spade’s witty slogans and chic designs, but when it comes to shit with a pink patent bow, I’ll take a hard pass. Obviously I’m not like, thrilled about this, but I think that anyone freaking out about merging two brands that frequent the clearance section of TJ Maxx needs to look at the bigger picture. It’s not like Eddie Bauer is coming for Gucci or anything. Relax.

Corinne Calm Down

If I could compare the Kate Spade and Coach merger to anything, I’d liken it to a hypothetical collaboration between Taylor Swift and Meghan Trainor. It’s something I’m definitely going to roll my eyes over when I first hear the news. The finished product is probably going to involve lots of like, pink flamingos and heart motifs. It’ll be something that really appeals to preteen girls and youngish grandmas who have active social lives in Florida. When it comes on the radio or pops up on a shelf in Bloomingdale’s, I might hum along or take a second glance, but in the end, it’s still tacky and I hate it.