There’s something about Spring that gives us a sense of revival—you’re stowing away the heavy winter coats, shedding those few extra pounds you packed on during hibernation mode, and dropping those fuckboys that you kept around strictly for “cuffing season.” But before you start spending your Saturdays drinking rosé on a rooftop somewhere, you should probably go through your closet and do some spring cleaning in preparation for the warmer months.
To help you purge your closet just like you’ve purged your life (by leaving last year’s bullshit in 2017), we’ve come up with a list of the dumpster fire trends you need to ditch just in time for beach week.
Unicorn Everything
For whatever reason 2017 was the year of pastel unicorn everything. From hair trends to clothes to makeup, everything looked like a mythical creature threw up on it—especially on the grounds of Coachella. So with festival season quickly approaching, let’s make an effort to do away with the unicorn trend and reach for chicer variations of bright colors and bedazzled pieces.
Oversize Sweatshirts With Thigh-high Boots
Like most absurd trends, this impractical look was made famous by the royal family of Calabasas. Let’s assess for a second: The Kardashian/Jenner sisters really convinced us to romp around in thigh-high heeled boots paired with large, oversize sweatshirts. And in some cases, even T-shirts. And like, fine. I love a comfy sweatshirt as much as the next betch who spends her Sundays hungover on her couch ordering Domino’s. But what were we really trying to accomplish with this look? Was it supposed to be sexy yet comfortable? I mean sure it’s sexy when you can afford like $1,500 Balenciaga thigh-highs, but to me, this trend just feels like KKW is Regina George when she rocks the tank with the nipple holes. We’re all just her army of hopeless skanks following suit.
Corset Belts
If you wear an Hourglass Gal waist trainer to work out and your waist is like 20 inches, I’m really happy for you and I’m going to let you finish but we don’t need to see your fake corset belt OVER your shirt in 2018. This trend is almost as bad as when we thought it was a good idea to wear belts just sitting on our hips on top of our long Abercrombie & Fitch tank tops back in like ’06.
Chokers
If you’ve been patiently waiting for the dog collar choker trend to die, 2018 is the year. We’re layering dainty gold and silver necklaces in 2018 and tossing out the black velvet chokers that we’ve been holding on to for dear life for the past few years.
Millennial Pink
What kind of sign is it that the color chosen to represent millennials is the same color as Pepto Bismol? At any rate, it’s out with the diarrhea medicine hue and in with Gen-Z yellow.
Fur Slides
Bad gal RiRi gave us the OG faux fur slides with her Spring 2016 Fenty Puma x Rihanna collection, and ever since we’ve seen some of the worst knock-offs. We’re really ready to retire this trend in 2018. Although the idea of adding fur to a pool slide didn’t make much sense, they were fun while they lasted. But thanks to the oversaturated, tacky knock-offs it’s finally time to lay this trend to rest.
Cork-Heeled Wedges And Heels
We really hope that you don’t still have cork-heeled wedges and heels in your closet, but if you do, throw them out. Now. There’s something about the warmer months that make basic bitches want to break out cork-heeled shoes like they’re synonymous with summer, but we’re asking you to please do away with this heinous look. If you’ve found yourself shoeless after throwing out corked shoes, see our spring shoe shopping guide here.
Worn-Out Leggings
This may seem like an obvious item to toss during your Spring cleaning purge. But considering it doesn’t look like the athleisure trend is going anywhere anytime soon, it’s time we get rid of ill-fitting, over-worn leggings. Toss out those leggings with the hole in the crotch that make your butt look saggy and treat yo’self with a brand new pair of leggings or jogger pants—because why not spend money on the item of clothing that you spend the most time in?
Images: Kourtney Kardashian, closet.nia, fentyxpuma, tonybianco / Instagram; Giphy (4)
I hate to be that asshole, but June is basically over which means we only have a limited amount of time before the countdown to PSL season begins. Too soon? Well, get over it, because the world is cold and the truth is harsh. The silver lining of heading into a time where everything dies (like my soul) is all of the back-to-school sales. However, I think if I buy one more pair of block heels before detoxifying my life, aka my closet, I might end up on a fucking episode of Hoarders. Or worse, my dad might remove me from the AmEx account. Like, where’s Kim to organize my hard-earned expensive wardrobe when I need her? If you keep telling yourself you’ll do it “tomorrow” (hi), the time is now to move your Uggs and Burberry scarves over and rid yourself of fugly pieces that are like, sooo 2004. Let’s be honest, you’re never going to wear them again if you know what’s good for you, so they’re probably just taking up space anyway. More importantly, you need to make room for whatever the fuck you ordered from Shopbop last night. To make feeling like a peasant less painful, here’s an official list of the shit you needed to toss like, yesterday. Pour a lot of wine, turn on Spotify, and let’s get this over with.
1. Peep-Toe Wedges/Heels/Anything
I literally have never fucking liked these. Any time my own mother tried to wear hers, I’d hide them because I’d never be caught in public associating myself with someone who did. They’re grotesque and probably give you blisters. I don’t care how much money they cost, there were def way cuter shoes to buy so you played yourself on that one. The good thing? There are still way cuter fucking shoes to buy.
2. Dresses You Wore Freshman Year Of College
Bandage and tiered dresses should’ve left the premises a long fucking time ago but if for some unknown reason you decided to simply tuck them away, throw that shit out immediately. Good memories last—because like, pictures—but ugly clothes do not. These are making a comeback as much as Usher is—yeah, not happening. You have plenty of other hotter dresses to make new memories in, whether you actually remember the nights or not.
^ I can almost guarantee you that these bitches got rid of whatever the fuck these are—not outfits, let me tell you—as soon as they were done filming.
3. Belts
Unless they’re waist-cinchers or corset belts, get rid of them. When was the last time you actually wore one with pants? Like, seriously. That’s what I thought. If the Kardashians aren’t wearing it, we aren’t wearing it.
4. Tarnished Jewelry
If you’re still wearing fake bling because you just love it so much and you still get the best compliments on it, there’s this place (well, a couple of them, really) called Forever 21. LOL. Welcome to 2017. I’m positive they still have equally fake things that don’t look like they’ve been sitting in an ocean for years. It’s tacky, gross, and unless it’s some precious gem your great (x10)-grandma passed down to you, just get some new jewels. Tip: Make an investment for real jewelry if you wear it like, everyday.
5. Bags That Are Falling Apart
Even though the straps are shredding or there’s just a huge-ass hole for whatever reason, you decided to hold on to it because it’s Chanel. You’re praying for a miracle but it’s not going to happen. The time for your fave bag has come to an end. Even if it can’t be replaced, you will find another you’ll fall in love with, probs sooner rather than later. I know this advice works because it’s similar to what I give my friends after they meet a guy at the bar who doesn’t call back. Basically, just:
6. Low-Rise Jeans
If they sit where your underwear is, then no. Those times are long over. Unlike the denim skirt, this 2000s trend isn’t coming back. Not now, not ever so, they can leave.
