Oh, cheese, you’re your own food group to us. You stand apart from all other foods, and we have shrines to you in our deli drawer. As any classy indivudual such as ourselves would know, when cheese meets wine, beautiful things happen. Birds sing. We assume flowers bloom. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf puppy learns to howl. It’s magical.

To top even all that inspirational shit, when a good cheese meets a good rosé, shit gets even realer. It takes you from “girl drinking pink wine out of a bag” to “self-actualized independent woman who enjoys the finer things in life.” However, you have to first fucking KNOW what cheese to eat with your rosé. 

We’re here, per usual, to help.

General Rules

Generally speaking, you want a semi-soft cheese to pair with a rosé. That means you should reach for things like Gruyère, Havarti, and even Monterey Jack, the povo fancy cheese of America. Rosé is crisp and light, so you need a cheese that can both hold its own AND not take away from the mild wine. I mean, this is our fave summer draaanking wine AND it makes us feel classy, so treat it with some respect. 

Dry Rosé

Grab a mild- or medium-firm cheddar, Gouda, or even Provolone for this version. They can be a stronger flavor but tend to caaaaalm themselves with a nice dry rosé. HOWEVER, stay away from flavored cheeses in this category, such as sharp cheddar and aged Provolone. Ain’t nobody got time for all that flavor—save it for a full-bodied red.

Sparkling Rosé

Fresh cheeses LOVE sparkling wines, so head out to the store and grab a Farmers Cheese or local, fresh concoction to complement the bubbles. Sparkling rosé is your party drink, so keep that in mind as you’re scarfing down cheese.

Medium-Bodied Rosé

Think Spanish rosés from Rioja and Navarra or Southern French rosés—you’ll want super rustic cheese for this—best grab something made with sheep’s milk for a bit of a bite but not toooooo much. This version also goes super well with herbed-cheeses.

Bonjour, wine and cheese celebration!

A betch wearing distressed denim shorts, in the summer? Groundbreaking. Whether they were your mom’s in the 80s or an Abercrombie pair you never grew out of, you def have quite the collection. Here’s my problem, though: I, for one, am honestly broke and lazy AF to buy new pairs every year so I settle for ones that still fit because I wear the same pair multiple times a week as long as they miraculously still button. Despite fitting around my waist, the hems obvs get shorter and therefore, ride up my crotch. As a result, I not only look like an idiot who has pockets hanging out (so not cool, btw) but, I incidentally end up mooning everyone on the sidewalk since my ass cheeks are out on display. Now, some of you may think this is socially acceptable, but news fucking flash—it’s not. I highly doubt you want to see the girl’s butt standing in front of you on the train on your way to work, so no one wants to see yours either. Hoping this is your wake up call, here are some cute high waisted denim cut-offs to replace your booty shorts.

1. L’AGENCE Crystal Cove Short

This v simple pair has a mid-rise fit and cuffed hems that fall at about 11 inches. You can dress this versatile pair up or down and stay looking classy because your butt won’t be showing for all to see. The shorts feature a 3 inch inseam, which FYI, is a solid indicator that your cheeks won’t be peeking out.

2. One Teaspoon Bandit Shorts

You can wear a shredded, carefree style without having to pull your shorts down every five seconds if you opt for a pair like this. With a shorter hem in the front, you can still show off your long tan legs while your backside is still very much covered. I guess that fingertip rule in high school actually works.

3. Lovers + Friends Jack High-Rise Shorts

Your beloved high waisted style in black elongates your legs (if you’re 5-foot-something like me) and thins out your torso, so don’t worry about beer bloat for all those dagers. With the shorts being 10 inches long (which is more than enough before they become Bermudas), you’ll keep what’s meant to be hidden inside the denim. These will def be the next pair you abuse multiple times before realizing you should probably wash them at some point.

4. Missguided Shredded Detail Denim Shorts

This loose fit on your hips will make your friends think you actually lost weight this summer (LOL, as if) and make a super casual outfit a slutty flirty one with its raw-cut hem. These fall a little before your mid-thigh, but at least you won’t look like you’re wearing a denim diaper.

5. MOTO Embroidered Ripped Mom Shorts

Everything about a white pair of high-waisted shorts with floral details is a yes for summer. You’ll still prove to everyone you have something worth showing off in the back, but without actually showing it off. The latest mom fit trend, because apparently all sizes have to be named after member of your family, makes for a longer, more comfortable fit. Wear this stylish pair with your fave bralette or bardot crop top so you don’t look like an actual mom.

6. Joe’s Jeans The Charlie Short

The right picture is bothering me just as much as you, don’t worry. Someone should’ve pulled her corner down, god. Anyway, these shorts come down to 11 and a half inches so I assure you that you’ll still slay a backside rooftop picture without being semi-pornographic trashy on Insta. It’s only a plus that the millions of buttons make you look skinny AF but, um, have fun trying to undo them when you gotta break the seal.

Look, I know you’re already planning to go out Saturday night but Sunday (yes, this Sunday) is supposed to be all about the OG Betch aka Queen. No, not Beyoncé. Your mom, duh, but Bey comes pretty close. You can’t look like a good daughter while you’re wearing last night’s makeup and reeking of vodka at the brunch table. Get your shit together, Carol!

For the sake of your grandmother’s fragile heart and your mother’s naïve mind, don’t show up to Mother’s Day Brunch wearing an outfit that will make them wonder how many people you’ve slept with (this past week). You should aim to look worthy enough to have afternoon tea with the Queen of England, or at the very least, one of the old ladies your grandma plays Mah-Jongg with. Looking like the poster child for functional mother-daughter relationships will make up for the fact that you probably got your mom a shitty last minute gift (because you didn’t read our gift guide) and/or the fact that you conveniently got her the most extra, least personalized, overpriced Hallmark card you could find.

Your mother most likely deserves her own fucking island as gratitude for all those times she made you and your friends Hump Day treats after school. After all, she’s not like a regular mom. She’s a cool mom. (P.S. Take a shot for every person who uses that quote as their Instagram caption this weekend.) But since you can really only afford to get her a candle, the least you can do is not show up to her celebration brunch looking ratchet. Follow our tips to look like the virginal angel you definitely aren’t.

Oversized Straw Hat

Bring out your inner (PG-version) Samantha Jones by wearing an obnoxiously huge sun hat.

^^^ Me wondering why my friends always think I’m so damn extra

Nothing says “brunch” like wearing the floppiest fucking hat you can possibly find. Other than chugging your mimosa every time someone asks if you’ve “settled down” yet, you can now roll your eyes as far back into your head as you want without anyone noticing. This hat is (somehow) rose gold so you don’t even have to suppress your inner basic-ness.

ASOS Oversized Straw Floppy Rose Gold Metallic Hat

Some Sort Of Cute Sundress Or Romper

If you don’t wear a cute sundress, did you even really brunch? Since all you wear is black, wear a colorful dress or romper, preferably with a fun print, to convince the Fam you’re not totally depressed. (Bonus points if you can get one that twirls because, Boomerang, obviously.) Opt for a fit and flare style because you’ll need to hide that bloat by the time brunch is over and look good on Instagram your mom’s Facebook when she uploads all the family pictures. We both know nothing raises your self-esteem more than when your entire extended family comments on how beautiful you are. This Forever 21 dress hits all those marks and doesn’t cost that much so your mom will be less mad when she checks her credit card statement.

Selfie Leslie One-Shoulder Dress

Statement Necklace

Even though you probs wear chokers to work now, leave it at home on Sunday because your grandma doesn’t need to know you’re low-key into BDSM. Swap out your black velvet choker for a big statement necklace full of pink, sugar, spice, and everything nice. Everyone will be admiring it so much they won’t even notice you secretly drinking them under the table.

Matilde Floral Necklace Set

Semi-Low Neutral Wedges

You will probably be the only inappropriately drunk person at the table, so it’s imperative you wear shoes you can walk in by the time you leave. Honestly, we all know day drinking = blacking out by noon, so as long as you’re not snapping your ankles every time you try to walk, you’re good.

Find neutral colored wedges that will go with anything you decide to wear. The smaller the wedge, the better for you—and the less snide comments you’ll get from your mom about how you’re “not her daughter” because she “could never walk in those heels”. Aim for a pair that has a “business in the front, party in the back” vibe. For example, wedges that lace up in the front and zip up in the back means you can literally kick them off when you get home and pass out.

Jeffrey Campbell Rayos Perforated Wedge Sandal

If you can get through brunch without throwing up in your purse or getting lectured about your drinking problem, congratulations. Your mom probably doesn’t think you’re a mistake anymore.