As you embark on the
sh*tshow adventure that is college, you have the ability to be whoever you want. Whether you join the yoga club and turn into a Birkenstock-wearing queen or get tapped into a secret society and fall off the face of the earth, there’s no wrong identity, and college is the perfect time to experiment. However, while you’re going through your waves of being a hipster stoner to a frat bro enthusiast, try your best to avoid falling into the following stereotypes, otherwise your academic and social status will suffer.
The One Who Never Goes To Class
Congratulations on getting into college, you deserve a break! Too bad that break was summer and college is NOT the time to sleep through the day. Trying to pass off “staying in bed all day” as a personality trait is such a cop-out because it’s actually just you being f*cking lazy. Don’t waste the literal tens of thousands of dollars you or your parents are dropping on tuition, because there are some people who would risk going to jail (#fighton) to be sitting where you should be—in class!! Go learn something, we love a smart betch.
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The One Who’s Stuck In High School
This person spends all their free time FaceTiming their high school boyfriend and searching for a new “cliquey” girl squad to replace the one they left behind. You swear you were super popular back home, but sadly no one gives a f*ck about who you were in high school. College is time for a fresh start, so ditch your home life dependence and join us adults in the present.
Sad how some adults are still stuck in the bitchy high school phase, grow up bbs xo
— M A D Z ? (@madison_16xox) September 6, 2019
The One Who Lives For Her Srat
Joining a sorority is great—fabulous, actually—but if the second you get a bid you can’t be caught dead not wearing your letters, we have a problem. Your identity and self-worth should not be defined by a four-year hierarchical social construct, and quite frankly, it’s pretty embarrassing if it is. Explore your university, talk to some non-Greek people, and stop spending time researching every item you can possibly print your letters on!
The One Who’s “One Of The Bros”
You like to chill at home and watch TV, you shotgun beer, and you “haaaate drama” (aka you’re a fraternity groupie). I don’t care how much time you spend sitting around the
bong coffee table littered with empty bottles and unidentifiable substances, at the end of the day you don’t have a d*ck and you’re not part of the “brotherhood.” Swooning over the boys by picking up their Chipotle and watching them play Fortnite is not a basis for lifelong friendship. Ultimately, all your efforts going toward the boys means you’ll probably miss out on the impressive solitude of female friends. Sad.
the girls who say “they hate drama” are usually the ones starting it all?
— bean ?? (@analyssemayraa) November 10, 2016
The One Who Already Added You On LinkedIn
All of your special skills on LinkedIn have been exclusively endorsed by your best friend and your mom, and you posted allllll about your “life-changing” summer internship on every social media platform (so glad your parents found time to make that phone call for you, sweetie). You joined seven clubs your first weekend on campus, and followed half the freshman class on Instagram before classes even started. While there’s nothing wrong with striving for excellence, no one likes a show-off. Let’s cool it on the public persona and desperation to “connect.” Put the f*cking phone down and try making real friends offline.
Everyone says college is the best four years of your life, and they’re not wrong. However, in the midst of going to darties, making bad decisions about texting the guy who ghosted you last week, and shoveling pizza into your mouth at 1am, you need to make a conscious effort to keep your priorities (which should be academics) in check and stay true to yourself.
Speaking from experience, you’ll definitely become your truest self in college, so don’t waste your time and efforts being an obnoxious fake bitch because spoiler alert: NO ONE likes that behavior in college and they’ll hate it even more in the real world.
Ah, the wedding invitation—so much more formal than the save the date, the true harbinger of the nuptial party to come. If you do it right, your invite will not only inspire jealousy in other betches, but it’ll also be a perfect paper package of what the wedding itself will look like. Is it classy? Trashy? Super glam and formal? Reminiscent of a child’s birthday party? All of this can be gleaned from your invitation.
Because we is kind, we’re going to give you some tips on getting the invitation right. Who knows—it may even inspire anticipation instead of dread among those of us who have to sit through your stupid wedding.
1. Registry Info
I realize, like, everyone and their mom does this shit now, but it’s hella tacky. You CAN include your Knot website if you have one ON THE SAVE THE DATE, but do not put that long-ass URL on the invitation. This is supposed to be an old fashioned and classy bringer of wedding news, not a fucking blog entry promoting your wedding. If someone wants to know where you’re registered, they can ask you or your mom. Or refer to the fucking save the date, which should be tastefully displayed on their refrigerator for the rest of time.
2. Cash Requests
Yeah, no. I looked for a way around this so as to avoid things like the gold encrusted bible, massive fire pit, and monogrammed towels I just KNEW someone would decide I needed. Alas, people are going to give you gifts from your registry, and some MAY give you fat checks. But some will take it upon themselves to gift you with something they like. Deal with it. Do not put “give us money lol” on your invitation.
3. Address Labels
Yikes. I’m hoping you got a cute stamp with your and your intended’s names on it with your address. If not, don’t even think of using those tacky-ass sticker address labels. You’re better than that. The envelope itself likely cost $3. Get it together.
4. Handwritten Invitations/Envelopes
I know it may seem like a waste of money now, but when you’re knee-deep in save the dates and invites and picking flowers and photographers and all that shit, the last thing you need to do is perfectly address 250 envelopes or hand-write ANY part of your invite. I promise by the 10th one it’ll look like shit. So, if you’re not supposed to use address labels AND you’re not supposed to write them out yourself, how the hell are you supposed to do them? Easy: hire a fucking calligrapher and be done with it.
5. “And Guest”
I realize that your bff has broken up with and gotten back together with her ex six times or your cousin is dating someone new whose name you can’t remember, but please don’t write “and guest.” It’s informal and super tacky. You already texted them to get their addresses, so clarifying the spelling of their boyfriend Jackson Jakksen Jaccsynn’s name won’t hurt.
6. Notes About Kids
If I had had my way, there would have been a total of zero children at my wedding. The child SCREECHING in the middle of my wedding mass was really the cherry on top of my day. But, whether you want to invite kids or not, do not make any mention of it on your invites. Make sure family and friends know privately that it’s an adults only event ahead of time. Putting it on the invite will just piss people off.
7. Obnoxious Designs
I realize you may be having a bohemian rustic woodland wedding, but having your invites printed on a six-layer lace and wood invite that sings fairy songs when it opens is not necessary. Keep that shit clean and classy—you can still express yourself—but keep the kitschy shit to a minimum. Keep in mind you need to include shit like the RSVP card, directions, and another envelope ALL within the ONE envelope. So, going nutso on designs just makes that shit more cumbersome.