Planets are piling the fuck up in Capricorn, making most signs itch for status. Gaining status in the form of Instagram likes, Hinge matches, Venmo payments from strangers etc. will be priority numero uno this weekend. Thanks god the weather is better, right? Time to freshen up that Instagram feed and watch the DMs roll in. Here’s your weekend horoscope May 4 through 6.
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces
Cinco de Mayo is on Saturday, and even though going to a Mexican restaurant on May 5th is social suicide (ie: waiting 2 hours to get 1 drink), it’s hard to resist the unique pull of a good margarita. And by “good” I mean “strong” because that’s what’s really important to me in life. I did the arduous labor of taste testing the strongest margs that NYC has to offer, and I was not sober disappointed. Whether you’re going on Cinco de Mayo or just any other one of the 364 days out of the year, if you’re looking for the strongest margaritas in NYC, look no further than these 5 spots.
1. Empellon Al Pastor
This bar will supply you with more tequila than you know what to do with, plus an entire Michelada and margarita menu. Inside you’re surrounded by floor-to-ceiling graffiti and bathrooms that are big enough for two. Pair your blood orange margarita with some of the best cheap tacos in NYC prepared by a James Beard award winning chef at a price way less than his other spots. It’s $5-8 for tacos with lamb shoulder, beer braised pork, and a personal classy favorite, the cheeseburger taco.
2. El Rio Grande
This place might as well be renamed “blackout city” because of the strength of the margaritas. This is where all the Murray Hill bros go to race to the bottom of a tequila bottle. You aren’t here for the food, you’ve come to nab yourself a former frat guy/sorority gal and a margarita. Try not to fall off the patio because you’re so drunk, you certainly wouldn’t be the first.
3. Salvation Taco
Tequila with a view? We got you. The rooftop of the Pod 39 hotel is like a booze-fueled adult playground with city views, good music, and upscale Mexican street food. It’s not the cheapest Mexican food in America. However, you’ll have just enough margaritas (aka liquid courage) in you that you can likely convince a handsome would-be suitor to pay for it instead of you. Grab a $70 salvation margarita pitcher with guajillo chili salt and day drink way up high without the judgment.
4. La Esquina Brasserie
Trying to impress your friends with how cool you are? Work your way into the underground La Esquina, and bring a date, because you’ll definitely get laid due to cool points. Once you get passed the doorman your night will be sexy, dark, vibey and tequila-y. Check out the barrio fuego margarita made with habanero tequila and pair it with a menu of tostadas, tacos, and ceviches that are so good you don’t even need to be buzzed to enjoy them.
5. Tacombi Bleecker
You can drink Mexico into a tequila shortage here and also get some extremely decent food at a super reasonable price. The staff never seems to stop moving, performing a relentless margarita-slinging dance. You actually feel like you’re in Mexico with the breeze from floor-to-ceiling open windows, string lights, and bright paint. They have 10 varieties of tacos here, including baja crispy fish with roasted poblano mayo, which is extra photogenic for all you Instagram models. Great spot for a group and to meet other young, hot, agave loving people such as yourself.
Images: Shutterstock; One Hungry Jew (3)
There is a lot of powerful astrology happening this weekend, and it has a 100% chance of ending with you drunk on top of a bar. With Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby falling on the same weekend, anything is possible. The stars have truly aligned. Hallelujah! Will the next two days be tequila-soaked or Mint Julep-laden? Only the stars can tell, but one things is sure: you’ll be drunk dancing in a wide-brimmed hat either way.
Aries
After a week of approaching your relationships in a mature, adult manner, you’ve earned two days of freedom, Aries. What does that mean? Tell everyone to fuck off. Seriously. It’s not fun having to be the mediator all the time—I’m not even going to get into what it does for your mental health. For the next two days, the only feelings you should be worrying about are your own. Everyone will just have to handle their own shit (gasp) until you’re ready to come back.
Taurus
Less is more, Taurus. In every aspect of your life. You have been The Most™ the past couple days, and it looks like this weekend will be a good time for you to dial things back a bit. Instead of going all out, every day, no matter the circumstance, consider just…not doing that. Enthusiasm can be great (in the smallest of doses), but going balls out on a Tuesday night when your roommate offers you a glass of wine is not the time for it. TL;DR: You’re tiring everyone out. Give them a break. Give yourself a break. Just chill, please.
Gemini
You know those days where you just feel gross, Gemini? Like you can’t put your finger on it, but you just feel off and nothing seems to make it right? Well, this is what your next two days have in store. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. On the plus side, this gives you every excuse to hide yourself away for the weekend. Sure, you’ll miss out on some Cinco activities, but tbh tequila is probably the last thing you need right now. Just get in bed, close the blinds, and ignore Snapchat. You’ll ride this funk out by Monday.
Cancer
Time to get back to basics, Cancer. You’ve been letting unnecessary and frankly, unimportant, people mess with your head lately. This weekend, that stops. Surround yourself with friends, real friends, and don’t let anyone fuck with your good time. Sometimes it’s nice to step back and just hang out with the people who have known you long enough to not care about the awful shit you say and do. A couple days of unfettered best bud time will hopefully put you back on kilter and remind you of the ways that you should be treated. No lites te bastardes carborundorum, betches.
Leo
Sorry to be the one to break it to you, Leo, but it looks like you’re working for the weekend. The good news? You won’t suffer a debilitating tequila hangover the likes of which you haven’t seen since…last Cinco de Mayo. The bad? The FOMO is about to be so. Damn. Real. While this is less than ideal, rest easy knowing that you won’t wake up with $80 less in your bank account and zero recollection of the round of shots you bought all your new best friends (aka strangers) at the bars the night before. It’s the little things.
Virgo
You need a break, Virgo. You know it. We know it. Your barista knows it. That homeless guy who hangs outside your regular Starbucks knows it. Literally everyone is on the same fucking page. Now that we’ve cleared that up, it’s time to address how you’ll take your much needed reprieve from society. While locking yourself away in your room is always a good option, this may call for something a little more extreme. Nothing is more extra relaxing than a good old staycation. That’s right, rent yourself a hotel room somewhere in town, tell no one where it is, and then spend the next two days in blissful solitude. Make sure you pack anything and everything you could possibly need for total relaxation so that you don’t have to interrupt your zen by running home. Will your friends make fun of you? Probably. But they won’t be chilling in a fuzzy robe for two days straight, so fuck what they think.
Libra
Some say that a life of excess can make a person soft. Physically? Mentally? Probably all of the above, but since when do we care what other people say? This weekend, Libra, you are Henry VIII, just without the gout, syphilis, and murder. That’s to say, you should not only strive to experience the finest things that you can get your hands on, but you should expect it. Some people may be weirded out by this mentality, but that just means more delicious and expensive things for you. A win-win, no?
Scorpio
Shit happens, Scorpio. Then again, we don’t need to tell you that, do we? The last few months have been a rollercoaster to say the least, and it’s finally time to let the healing begin. This weekend, do whatever you need to do to get yourself back on track, or at the very least headed in that direction. If that means blacking out off of four-dollar tequila shots, we say go for it. Although, cheap tequila and mental health aren’t two things I’d usually put in the same sentence. But that doesn’t matter, because this weekend is all about you! Come Monday, hopefully you’ll be starting to feel like your old self again. Or, at the very least, you’ll have stopped puking.
Sagittarius
Somehow, after this past week of non-stop socializing, working, and just general living, you’ve managed to come out the other end looking better than you started. So first things first, fuck you. But really, if it’s all working out for you, why mess with a good thing, Sagittarius? Let’s see how long you can keep this streak going, and spend the next two days being as outrageous as possible. No margarita is safe. No shot glass will be left unturned. By the end of the weekend, you shouldn’t remember what it feels like to be sober and not reeking of tequila. If you’re still thriving come Monday, we’ll revisit the topic of you being a witch. But until then, live it up.
Capricorn
This weekend you should have one thing, and one thing only, on your mind, Capricorn: positivity. This week has been a shit show and left you feeling a little low to say the least, but now is no time to revel in it. Show the world how strong you are by coming right back out, happier and more upbeat than ever. Sometimes the shit you put out into the universe comes right back at you, which means you should be reaping some benefits of this mentality by the end of the weekend. It won’t always be easy, but it’ll be worth it. Pinky swear.
Aquarius
This week has sucked, Aquarius. There’s no getting around that. You’re tired, you’re angry, you’re bloated. Nothing is looking good for you. Usually this would be the part where we tell you to give up and crawl into your cave for a few days, but the stars have something else in mind: alcohol. That’s right. The only way out of this slump is through a bottle, and you’re going to be shocked by how quick it’ll turn thing around for you. Embrace the festive weekend ahead, and celebrate to the fullest extent. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only tequila can do that.
Pisces
Sometimes it’s hard to believe how blessed we can be, Pisces. Really, it’s like the entire world is working in your favor right now, and it’s all culminating in the ultimate two-day marathon. Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby fall in the same weekend means only one thing for you, and it’s that you don’t have to choose between your two favorite alcohols. This is your time to shine, Pisces, and we have the utmost faith that you’ll do us all proud. Mint Juleps. Margaritas. Shots on shots. The limit does not exist, my friend. Make sure your Monday is clear for lots of sleeping, and then let your freak flag fly.
Read here to learn how to make a classic margarita for Cinco de Mayo!
Between the weather finally not sucking, all the “It’s Gonna Be May” memes, and Cinco de Mayo, there’s a lot going on this week. But it’s not all party and bullshit, unfortunately—we can’t all live like Biggie. Some of you will be tired af even though you already took six naps today, and some of you will just be over everyone’s shit—I mean, more so than usual. But some of the signs are going to be Livin’ It Up like Ja Rule pre-Fyre festival. You lucky bitches. Read on to see what type of shit will get thrown at you this week, and how you should respond in a (decently) mature and productive way—because we’re pretty sure “Karen was just getting on my last nerve, so I stabbed her” is not going to fly as “justifiable homicide” before the courts.
Aries
Remember that shitty airport movie starting Tom Hanks, the one where he’s stuck in a terminal? What was that called again? Well that’s kind of what your life will feel like in the week ahead: like you’re stuck between two places. Like, you want to move on to the next big thing, but you’re just not physically able to do that. Sure, that’s a shitty feeling, but the good thing about the Aries betch is that she doesn’t ever stay stuck in one place for long. After graduation—or you move or you take a new job, whatever—that feeling will pass and you’ll be back to being a much more kick-ass version of yourself. I’d also like to apologize for using the word “kick-ass.”
Taurus
The Sun in your sign is making you hella bold, Taurus. Sure, you may be reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes and getting yourself in trouble by saying yes to things that probably deserve a hard pass, but, whatever, chalk it up to learning experience. Be warned though, those bold moves could have lasting repercussions in your life. Like, maybe asking for a raise gets you more money but now you’re stuck with more responsibility at work. Gross. And like, saying yes to that Tinder date got you attention and likely a free meal, but now you actually have to go on the date. Ugh, you really should have thought that one through. Just proceed with caution, but also dance on the bar if you feel so inclined. Does that make sense?
Gemini
This week it’s all about your friends. Spring always kind of seems like a turning point for friendships before people take off for summer plans. I mean, if you’re graduating, you may legit never see some of these people again, so this week it’s important to evaluate your friendships. Decide who you want to keep Snapchatting through summer and who you want to hit with the slow fade. Likewise, it’s best you spend as much time just chilling with your besties so they don’t “forget” to text you all summer either.
Cancer
Bring on Cinco de Mayo, Cancer betch. Whether you’re the one throwing the margarita chugging contest or sitting poolside with a side of guac the size of your head, this is a super social week for you. Hold up though, it’s not all Coronas and sun tans—you have an important choice to make in the week ahead, and it’s not just what flavor marg you should order. Don’t mull it over to much, because then you won’t be able to focus on the fun. Go with your gut, and then fill that same gut with dollar tacos.
Leo
The Sun is at the top of your chart this month. Conveniently, the actual sun has finally come out to put you in a better mood. (That is, unless you live in Denver, then it’s still shitty and cold. Sorry.) With the Sun in your chart, you’re still super visible to those around you, earning you a lot of trust and admiration. Someone might even seek you out as a mentor. Instead of blowing them off, it will serve you best to bestow some of your great knowledge on someone who needs it. You’re, like, so kind and generous. Obvi.
Virgo
You need to wise up when it comes to your finances because you’re deathly close to your dad not bailing your ass out of debt this time. Shocking, I know. Get like a “Managing Your Money for Dummies” book or something because when it comes to your funds this week, knowledge is power. Besides, do you really want to be the only one in your friend group who can’t afford that summer booze cruise because you spent all your money on Seamless? I don’t think so. Cool it on the summer sandal shopping and grow up when it comes to spending, K?
Libra
You can see clearly now the rain is gone, or snow, or whatever other shitty weather your region of the world has been experiencing. Prepare yourself for some super clear thinking when it comes to your relationships. Like waking up from a really great Salvia experience, you’ll know exactly what needs to be done this week, even if you don’t particularly like that answer. Do you need to dump that SAB? Maybe. Do you need to lay down the line with a clingy BBB? Sure. It’s time you let your standards be known and you cut the dead weight from your team.
Scorpio
The Sun is opposite your sign, so it’s your unlucky turn to be a little bit tired all month. Bummer. This isn’t the best time for you to be feeling like sleeping literally all the time, so it might be best to load that Starbucks rewards card and power through your desire to Netflix and Nap. Since you’re waiting on important news this week, take your mind off whatever it’s preoccupied with by upping your workout game. This is conveniently happening just before summer, and it will also give you the energy to make it to your Cinco de Mayo festivities without falling asleep in a lawn chair.
Sagittarius
Mars moves opposite your sign this week, making you WAY more likely to be annoyed as shit with people. OK, it’s not really convenient to think everyone around you is a fucking idiot right now, so put your best fake smile on and power through your animosity for fucking Karen sitting in the cubical next to you going on and on about her perfect boyfriend. Fuck you, Karen. Anyway, demonstrating grace under pressure will actually serve you well this week. Cash checks, but don’t break any necks and you’ll be OK.
Capricorn
It’s really all about having the time of your life this week, Capricorn betch. Live it up without giving yourself up to all of your responsibilities, at least for one more week. The real world might flick you in the nose, metaphorically, next week. Actually, it’s probably best you put off work because you won’t be able to focus this week anyway. Let yourself relax and take a breather from the shitty parts of life now so you can better focus on getting it done next week. Did we just condone your procrastination tendencies? Yes, yes we did.
Aquarius
You’re super reflective this week, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You’re really thinking about where you want to go in life, family, and relationships. Normally, you probs try to drown your feelings with tequila this time of year, but it might be best to actually figure yourself out now. Make a list of goals. Sure that might sound boring, but knowing what you want will keep you from feeling lost and having a breakdown. No one wants to ugly cry in a sombrero in a dirty bar bathroom, so make sure you’re right as rain before you start partying this weekend.
Pisces
You feel like you just cannot catch a break lately. The cute guy you like might reveal he has a girlfriend (would have been nice to mention that a week ago, Nick). The job you wanted might go to some skank who wears Payless shoes. Whatever. You can channel all that angst and the “Why me?” mentality into something creative. Creative drinking, maybe? Things are definitely looking up by the end of the week. Whatever was stressing you out Monday will seem so minuscule and petty by Friday, it’s laughable.
