What You Need To Know About The $2 Trillion Coronavirus Relief Package

Well, well, well, look who decided to do their jobs. After a contentious few days of disagreeing on what tf should be included in the coronavirus bill, it is starting to look like Democrats, Republicans and the White House have agreed that economic collapse occasioned by a global pandemic should have some sort of financial remedy.

Democrats received some heat after rejecting the original coronavirus bill drafted by Republicans, but it looks as though their move has paid off. Revisions have been made that will support working people and, stay with me here, not give a blank check to big businesses.

Gotta love when your government is like, “UGH okay, FINE, we’ll consider the value of human lives as opposed to the value of money, a concept that is literally made up.”

Passed by the Senate late last night, the final product is the largest economic stimulus in modern history. Even bigger than 2009.

So, what exactly is included in this bad boy? I’m gonna break that down for you, hon. No, no, it’s really no problem. I’ve been able to set aside some time in my VERY busy quarantined schedule. Had to postpone sitting in my room and staring at the wall/screaming for this. You’re welcome.

The $500 Billion Loan Program for Businesses Will Have A Babysitter

The main ish Dems had with the Republican’s bill was how it gave so much to businesses and appeared to allow the Trump Admin to decide willy nilly which businesses get what amount, which they cannot be trusted to do since exchanging cash for political favors is one of Trump’s favorite past times.

Now, the “corporate slush fund” at least has some checks and balances. There will likely be an appointed inspector and congressional committee which will oversee the funds. theoretically, this means big biz can’t just use the bailouts to give themselves raises and buy back their stocks (**cough post-2008 recession cough**) instead of hiring back their workers.

It also means Trump can’t just be like, “$500 billion to Trump hotels and none for Gretchen Wieners anyone else.” In fact, Minority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office announced they secured a provision that will “prohibit businesses controlled by the President, Vice President, Members of Congress, and heads of Executive Departments from receiving loans or investments from Treasury programs.” We love to see it.

Municipalities will also have access to this fund

Unemployment Is Getting A Glow Up

Idk if you heard, but coronavirus is ruining everything and has led to a lot of people getting laid off. A massive 3.3 million people filed for unemployment last week. Our programs are not equipped for this kind of crisis. It’s almost like government-funded benefits serve a purpose and are meant to be in place for times like this? Hm, will have to look into this later.

Anyway, since the current unemployment programs can’t possibly cover everyone who needs them right now, this bill proposes to help them out. The bill will increase unemployment insurance by $600 per week for four months. This benefit would extend to gig economy workers, freelancers, and furloughed workers who are still getting health insurance from their employers but are not receiving a paycheck.

If you have recently been laid off, this is for you. You can file for unemployment! And if you’re a freelancer or gig worker who has lost work, you can apply now too, which was not the case before.

$1,200 Checks Oprah Style. Kind Of.

Okay this one applies to many of us. Yay. Adults who make $75k or less annually, according to their tax returns, will receive a one time check of $1,200. You also get $500 per child in your household.

This is nice but is a bit of a bandaid on a bullet wound situation, imo. There’s no guarantee that more money will be coming, and tbh $1,200 doesn’t go that far for many of us. For many, this will mean being able to pay rent and then continuing to worry about how to put food on the table. For others it will mean being able to put a small dent in medical bills they have been slammed with because of coronavirus.

It’s a start, and I hope it provides you with some relief, but I hope to see more int he future.

At a press conference on Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said he expects direct payments to go out in about three weeks.

Hospitals Can Have A Little Help, As A Treat

Thank fucking god. Hospitals are, uh, pretty important during a pandemic. Go figure. The bill will contain $150 billion for hospitals treating coronavirus patients. $100 billion will go to hospitals, $1 billion will go to the Indian Health Service, and the remainder will be used to increase medical equipment capacity.

Wild that privatizing healthcare didn’t hold up in the end.

Small Businesses Can Hang Too

There would be $367 billion in the bill aimed at providing loans for small businesses that retain their workers in this bill. Amazing that smaller, local businesses, which typically make less money than large businesses, get less money from the government than the big ones who don’t need it as much do.

Incredible system. No notes.

I sincerely hope this helps keep our favorite local cafes, bars, restaurants, boutiques, etc. afloat.

And A Lil’ Something For Local Gov

With the bill, $150 billion would be given to state and local governments who are dealing with the impacts of the crisis in their local communities, including $8 billion for tribal governments. That’s nice.

The bill also includes eliminated interest on student loans through September, $400 million to support main-in voting, $450 million for the Emergency Food Assistance Program, and a delay on the REAL ID requirement.

Is This It?

Not if it’s up to Nancy Pelosi. The Speaker of the House said she hopes to send another round of direct payments to Americans in a subsequent package.


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20 Minutes I’ll Never Get Back: A Recap Of Trump’s Oval Office Address

Last night, our president graced us with an update on his toddler temper tantrum the goverment shutdown over the stupid f*cking wall he promised his supporters during his campaign. It was an overall pretty uneventful speech where Trump seemed to be genuinely reading the teleprompter and not spewing out the first thoughts that enter his narcissistic nightmare of a head.

Scripted Trump almost convinced me that he could act like a president, until I remembered this man wants to spend $5.7 billion on a wall he said Mexico would pay for.

In case you missed it in all of its confused glory, here’s the full speech:

Here are some takeaways for those of you who were smart enough not to watch whatever the f that was.

1. Trump said the wall will be steel instead of concrete.

Apparently Democrats don’t “like concrete” so this was a gift to them. I was under the impression, though, that the main problem the Democrats had with the wall was, uh, the wall. Not sure if the materials are a big issue here.

2. He alluded to the Obama’s house as evidence that walls are an effective form of protection.

President and Mrs. Obama built/has a ten foot Wall around their D.C. mansion/compound. I agree, totally necessary for their safety and security. The U.S. needs the same thing, slightly larger version!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 30, 2018

Trump noted that many powerful politicians have walls around their homes not because they “hate the people outside” but because they “love the people inside.” Trump has previously claimed that the Obama’s have a ten foot wall around their house but that has been identified instead as just some small barriers and fencing. This probably would’ve been a more effective example if Trump had chosen any of Taylor Swift’s houses, which all have massive walls to protect her from crazy and dangerous stalkers. I’m sure if Taylor had an influx of women and children seeking asylum in her home, she’d have to reevaluate.

3. He used “fear over facts” as a way to fuel xenophobia.

After the speech, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Chuck Schumer weighed in on what was said and accused the president of using “fear over facts.” Trump cited many examples of American citizens who were the victims of horrific crimes caused by illegal immigrants. What he didn’t take into account, though, is that the crime rate among American citizens is much higher than the crime rate among illegal immigrants. Doesn’t cherry-picking examples of a few terrible people to make a case against thousands of good ones sound like the argument that Republicans hate about gun control? Nobody wants criminals in our country.

4. The wall will cost $5.7 billion, but it’ll quickly “pay for itself” through a new Mexico trade deal.

Mexico is paying (indirectly) for the Wall through the new USMCA, the replacement for NAFTA! Far more money coming to the U.S. Because of the tremendous dangers at the Border, including large scale criminal and drug inflow, the United States Military will build the Wall!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 19, 2018

Welles Orr, who worked on the original NAFTA agreement as the Assistant U.S. Trade Representative for Congressional Affairs under George H.W. Bush, told TIME that, “Trade agreements are designed to reduce regulatory hurdles. Most of our tariffs are zero, or very, very low.” Even if the new agreement did add tariffs, the money wouldn’t be put directly toward a wall or any other particular project. Instead, it would be put into the United States Treasury fund.

5. The wall will stop drug trafficking?

Trump said, “Every week 300 of our citizens are killed by heroin alone, 90% of which floods across from our southern border. More Americans will die from drugs this year than were killed in the entire Vietnam War.” This is, unfortunately, very true. Our country is experiencing an opioid epidemic and 90% of heroin comes from Mexico. However, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency’s (DEA) 2018 National Drug Threat Assessment, the vast majority of heroin enters the country through legal ports of entry and not the empty spaces in the border that the wall would “block.”

Honestly, what’s the point of having a reality television star as president if he just won’t pay for his own ideas? Build the wall, have Trump pay for it.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


5 Takeaways From Trump’s Dramatic Meeting With Schumer And Pelosi

In this week’s ep of the most dramatic reality show ever made – our literal government – Trump met with Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer for a heated “conversation” about “border security” aka the wall. Pence was also there but like, barely. More on that later. Anyway, because Trump is president and nothing is normal, this meeting had a lot of moments that will either make you lol or make you stare out your window and ponder how humanity has gotten to such a low point. A true rollercoaster of emotions! Check out some of the wildest things you can takeaway from this meeting, and then go talk sh*t about our government to your coworkers in the break room. You’ll look like, really smart.

1. Nancy Came to Slay

Our lady in blue is not f*cking around these days. Because it’s 2018, where sexism is still alive and well, Pelosi had to take on a more “tempered” manner during the meeting, while Schumer got to play bad cop. Like my mother whenever she notices I got a new crop top, Trump attempted to make a passive aggressive comment insulting Pelosi. “Nancy’s in a situation where it’s not easy for her to talk right now, and I understand that,” Trump said. Pelosi fired back with, “Please don’t characterize the strength that I bring to this meeting as the leader of the House Democrats who just won a big victory.” Now that’s a damn SLAY if I’ve ever heard one.

And our girl didn’t stop there. After the meeting, Pelosi had some more words for the press, which tried to call her out for not being transparent by not allowing the entire meeting to be recorded. Nancy told them that this was because she didn’t want to have to publicly say to the president, “you don’t know what you’re talking about,” on television and described the wall as “a manhood thing” for Trump. Okay…go off, queen!!!

Any questions? pic.twitter.com/gTW0axihV4

— Andy Slavitt (@ASlavitt) December 12, 2018

2. Pence Came to Nap

Mike Pence showed up to do what he does best: literally nothing. The VP didn’t have much to say and was caught on camera closing his eyes – either to pray or to power down his hard drive. Maybe he was trying my go-to strategy, where if you just pretend something isn’t happening it will go away? Hate to tell ya, bud, but according to my current student loans bill, this tactic is not effective.

mike pence is in airplane mode pic.twitter.com/hdusIYLgp1

— Glazer (@glazerboohoohoo) December 12, 2018

3. Trump Is “Proud” to Shut Down the Government

Trump and Schumer went back and forth arguing over who was responsible for shutting down the government last time. Trump tried to say it was Schumer, who was quick to point out,“Twenty times you have called for, ‘I will shut down the government if I don’t get my wall. None of us have said it.” Trump did NOT like that, and then walked himself into a corner by saying he was “proud to shut down the government for border security.” However, the best moment came when Pelosi referred to is as a ‘Trump Shutdown’ and Donald looked like he was literally going to implode. Did I mention Nancy Pelosi came to slay???

4. The Midterms Are Still Causing Drama

The 2018 midterm elections are a lot like my high school breakup in that neither party will f*cking drop it. Pelosi noted, “Sixty people of the Republican party are losing their offices now because of the transition.” Trump came back with, “And we’ve gained in the Senate. Nancy, we’ve gained in the Senate,” and continued with some additional points, “Excuse me, did we win the Senate? We won the Senate.” So sad that our leaders can’t get over a loss…and for the record, I broke up with Jimmy, not vice versa!!!

5. Having a Conversation With Trump Is Nearly Impossible

This is something we already knew, but somehow it’s always still shocking to watch happen. His tactic is to just repeat false statements over and over. Pelosi wasn’t having that sh*t, and kept bringing up that his factual evidence was not there, and they needed to have a conversation based on actual facts. Seems reasonable, no? Not when working with Trump. Pelosi tried to tell Trump that he didn’t have the votes he needs in the House (he doesn’t), and he kept insisting that he does and that he “could get it passed in two seconds.”

“If I needed the votes in the House, I would have them in one second, we’d be done. It doesn’t help because we need 10 Democrats in the Senate,” Trump said. “We’re doing this in a very friendly way. It doesn’t help for me to take a vote in the House where I will win easily with the Republicans.” Pelosi responded,“You will not win.” NANCY MOTHERF*CKING PELOSI, EVERYONE.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Twitter (2), Giphy (1)