One of the things I love most about Gossip Girl is the slew of random characters whose sole purpose is to keep the plot interesting by shaking things up for our favorite four Upper East Siders and two annoying Brooklynites who endlessly complain about their unfortunate financial lot in life from their gigantic loft in one of New York’s most expensive neighborhoods. I digress. Anyway, as with any television show, each season introduces a few new characters, some of whom are truly perfect temporary additions to the cast, like Fleur Delacour Eva Coupeau, and others are less than perfect, like most of the writers’ choices.
I’m a loyal GG lover, so I typically hold back when it comes to some of the laughable wardrobe choices, but as I rewatch this scripted trash for the ninth time, I can’t bite my tongue about the most egregious part of this show: the randos. Without further ado, I give you the worst and/or most annoying random characters who we all love to hate. Enjoy.
Juliet Sharp
For those of you who forgot who she is, allow me to remind you. She’s the sister of the boarding school teacher-turned-convicted-felon with whom Serena allegedly had an affair when she was 15 and he was…older than 15. Mhmm, makes sense. Anyway, if I had to pick the worst thing about Juliet, it would have to be the way she dresses. Literally, all of her outfits are different yet heinous versions of the same business-professional dress with a cropped blazer over it. Like???? When I was in college, I literally wore jeans and sweaters every goddamn day.
Aside from her sartorial errors. her character is also incredibly creepy. I’m pretty sure the most disturbing exchange in this entire series is one that took place between Juliet and her brother during a prison visit when she says, “Keep your focus on not getting raped or killed” to which he responds, “It’s a minimum security prison” and she counters with, “And you’re hot” and then they seductively hold hands across the table and exchange minxy smiles. I think it’s totally okay to say he’s handsome or attractive because, criminal or not, he is both of those things, but hot? That’s your BROTHER. Why don’t you go take a cold shower, sis! Also, her whole purpose on this show is to, like, physically injure Serena and get her expelled from college, which is pretty shameful. Even Georgina would disapprove of this.
Damien Dalgaard
Damien has a lot of unfortunate qualities that earned him a spot on this list, but the one thing I truly couldn’t stand was how condescending he was to Jenny while they were dating. When they were about to have sex, she was really nervous because she was a virgin and he was like, “I get it. I’m older than you and when I date someone, sex is a a big part of the relationship. You’re a young, innocent girl, so I get that you’re nervous.” He was in Serena’s class at boarding school, which would make him no more than two years older than Jenny, so I’m confused as to why he’s talking to her like a World War II veteran who’s seen more than she ever will.
Acting like a cultured citizen of the world was like, his whole persona, which I just found incredibly annoying because he was literally 18 at the time, so no one’s buying it, sweetie.
Lady Catherine
This is another character whose circumstances really confused me. My knowledge of British monarchy is based solely on The Crown, so forgive me if I’m wrong, but if Catherine were a “lady,” that would mean she’s married to a duke, which we’ve been told she is. So if that’s the case, why would they be summering in the Hamptons and living in a townhouse in Manhattan the rest of the time? Don’t they have royal duties in England to carry out? Don’t forget, this was pre-Meghan Markle.
The second, and slightly bigger, issue with this lady is that she has a title of nobility and yet she’s paying an underage American kid to bang her against her dryer every few days. Two felonies for the price of one! How did this affair even work? Would she text him on her burner cell and be like, “Hey, when you’re done with algebra, can you come over?” Let us not forget, she was also f*cking her stepson. Safe to say, this woman needs therapy.
Vanessa Abrams
I know she’s not technically considered random since she’s in every season, but she’s not part of the main six, so to me, she’s a random. Sorry (not really) to all of the Vanessa die-hards, but she plainly sucks. She’s one of those people who feels way too comfortable around people she just met and, maybe it’s just me because I still don’t feel comfortable around people I’ve known my whole life, but that’s not a likable quality. Second, I didn’t like how she was always at private events for schools she didn’t attend! Like, she was at literally every dance, party, and study session of the Constance girls and then at the Columbia alumni events. Seriously, she doesn’t even go here!
Ivy Dickens
Okay, to set the record straight, I hated the fake Charlie Rhodes (Ivy Dickens), but lived for the real Lola Rhodes. I know this isn’t a character flaw, but there was something about her voice that made it really hard to get on board with anything she was talking about, and her pretending to have a mental illness to explain her behavior wasn’t cool.
I know she was an actress being paid by the real Lola Rhodes’ mom to pretend to be her (happens all the time), but couldn’t Ivy have just, like, gotten another acting job that didn’t involve fraud? I can’t imagine being so desperate for a job that I’d hear Carol’s pitch and think it was a good idea.
Tripp Vanderbilt
Sorry, but Tripp and his waspy-ass name was a giant p*ssy. Like, literally everything about him was so pathetic and sad—especially when he crashed his car and put Serena in the driver’s seat to make it seem like it was her fault. Why do all of these people in positions of power take no more than two seconds to consider whether or not they want to commit a crime? I take more time deciding between two identical pale pink nail polishes than Tripp did to pin a car crash on his mistress. I also feel like Nate’s fancy politico cousin should have been 10 times hotter than Tripp, who looks like he calls his mom four times a day. I definitely wouldn’t have voted for him.
Aaron Rose
Hands down Serena’s least likable boy toy. His skinny scarves and confusing haircut were enough for me to decide he sucks, but then he opened his mouth and…it didn’t help his cause. Like Damien with Jenny, Aaron acts like Serena is just a young and stupid child who doesn’t understand the complexities of adulthood, which is hilarious to me because Blake Lively was 22 playing a 17-year-old, but whatever. Anyway, even if that is the case, you are fully aware that she’s in high school, so stop acting like her being young is a flaw you have to get past! He should be more concerned with the statutory rape he’s committing.
Also, his whole “I date multiple women at once” thing is just gross. I understand that you can’t expect monogamy after knowing each other for approximately five minutes, but Aaron, you don’t need to constantly remind her that you’re f*cking 10 other women at the moment. All in all, he was not hot enough to act that smug and condescending, and I was truly elated when Serena told us Dan that she left in him in Argentina.
And there you have it, the worst random characters in Gossip Girl! Did I leave any out? Let me know who you hated the most in the comments! Until next time, Upper East Siders. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Images: Giphy (8)
Hey there Upper East Siders, long time, no gossip.
With coronavirus ruining all of my springtime plans, I’ve officially reached my limit on self-entertainment. A girl can only buy so many new bags and eat so much caviar in one day, especially when my private pilot refuses to fly me to France. People are just so rude these days. Anyway, in order to get myself through this depressing time, I’m turning to Manhattan’s elite because if anyone’s wreaking havoc during this quarantine, it’s going to be them. Being hot and wealthy is just so predictable. Still, what our favorites lack in originality, they make up for in scandal, and for that, I’m ever so thankful.
While being quarantined has ruined my social life, my waistline, and my overall wellbeing, there has been one perk: I’ve had plenty of time to come out of retirement and dig into what Serena, Blair, Chuck, and Nate are up to, as well as a few of their wannabes. No, they’re not the top four, but honestly, I’m so bored, I even care what Ivy is doing atm. Desperate times, kiddies.
So, how *are* the charmed students, families, and alumni of Constance and St. Jude’s faring? With endless money, time, and resources, you can bet they’re getting into all kinds of trouble and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. Buckle up, it’s going to be a dramatic reunion.
Blair Waldorf
Queen Bee has made it her sole mission to find the cure to coronavirus which will, obviously, land her a spot in Yale’s upcoming graduate class. Looks like our girl can’t take the hint that Yale blue doesn’t compliment her complexion. Still, something as simple as not being invited has never stopped her before. While utilizing Chuck’s world resources to pull from the best minds around, Blair is running around NYC with Dorota in tow, yelling at anyone who is outside while, you know, being outside herself.
When B isn’t breathing down Nelly Yuki’s neck asking for cure updates or making Penelope go to her favorite restaurants and insist the chefs cook her favorite dishes (despite closing their doors), she’s not social distancing with Chuck, whenever he actually texts her back and leaves his speakeasy, that is. Some things never change.
Serena van der Woodsen
While Serena had the best intentions to stay home and not brush her hair, one glance from a hot guy walking past her apartment lobby and all thoughts of social distancing immediately went to sh*t. Talk about predictable, S. Afraid everyone would judge her (and rightfully so), she didn’t tell anyone where she was going or who she was going with, but from the looks of her Instagram, she’s somewhere sunny and acting all kinds of scandalous. I hope wherever Lonely Boy is hiding out, he doesn’t have wifi…
Dan Humphrey
Speaking of Lonely Boy… on one hand, Dan wants to do something to help society, he really does. But on the other hand, he’s also pretty busy judging other people for not doing enough to help. He’s left about a million messages on Serena’s phone and won’t stop telling Jenny off for leaving the loft (even though let’s be real, one text from S will have Lonely Boy running).
Despite knowing who started the entire coronavirus pandemic, Dan’s going to do nothing to save the world and will use this information to further move his writing career forward. Aren’t two books and a whole bunch of ruined relationships enough? Hopefully this time he’ll impress Serena enough. Just don’t ask what she was doing while she’s been away. Actually, do. I could use a good lover’s spat right about now.
Nate Archibald
Few things ruffle Nate’s pretty little feathers, and a quarantine definitely isn’t going to cause him any grief. His wake and bake schedule has been pretty uninterrupted, and it wasn’t until a few days ago that he learned he wasn’t actually supposed to go outside. His string of just-barely-legal hookups keep him busy, because let’s be real, he’s sleeping with the generation that DGAF about staying inside. At least it’s not a mom or a married woman this time, right Nate?
Chuck Bass
While bars and restaurants have closed down, Chuck’s speakeasy is absolutely flourishing in this time of quarantine. Illegally, of course. Nothing makes people thirsty quite like a pandemic. Charging $1,000 per head just to get in, his bar is the place where people who have no morals, self-control, or empathy go to get some of the most expensive lap dances in NYC. Wonder what B thinks of this endeavor? Keeping him busy and happy might be the only way to ensure he doesn’t dump her, gaslight her, or whore her out in a business deal. Again. Might be time to just cut the cord, B. Everyone knows that mother chucker isn’t best for you in the long-run.
Jenny Humphrey
After designing a line of chic hazmat suits, it seems Jenny is the pariah of the fashion industry. Didn’t you know? Only those born wealthy get to be insensitive, J. Blair has officially declared war, Jenny’s job at Waldorf Designs is on the brink, and she’s threatening to leave New York, again. The crazy part? Her looks are actually low-key cute, but since she’s already been blacklisted by Blair, there’s not much any of us can do. Poor Little J.
Georgina Sparks
After about 1 day inside, Georgina was starting to feel too much like “a stay-at-home mom,” so she donned a blonde wig and is running around Manhattan impersonating Serena. From coughing on elderly people to buying out all of the vegan baby food in the city to sell at a premium and attempting to entrap Dan in some sort of sexual tryst at Chuck’s club, she’s taking no prisoners and leaving no chaotic stone unturned. I’m calling an SOS for anyone who gets in her way.
Luckily, Lonely Boy is most likely too busy being a pretentious prick to fall for her schemes. Still, I have a feeling that’s not going to stop G from trying.
Rufus Humphrey
It should come as absolutely no shock that Rufus is spending the quarantine forcing waffles and stories of his touring days down everyone in the loft’s throats. It’s gotten to the point that Jenny, Dan, and Lily have all risked virus exposure to get away from him and his comfort carbs. Ugh. Brooklynites.
Vanessa Abrams
Who? Just kidding. While she might seem totally irrelevant, Vanessa is using this time to really work on herself and her filmmaking. Sure, she’s nowhere near the Upper East Side because everyone hates her, but maybe once society is running again and she wins some sort of indie film award, Dan will finally love her more than Serena. Good luck!
Eric van der Woodsen
All this extra time spent at home with Lily has given Eric ample opportunity to grow some more janky facial hair and frost his tips. What else is he doing? No one cares, but you can bet it involves a semi-attractive guy and lots of judgment from his mother.
Lily van der Woodsen
After leaving her (ex?) husband/lover in the loft, Lily has returned to her apartment on the Upper East Side and is planning on hosting a coronavirus charity function to raise money for the cause. I mean, sure, getting a whole bunch of rich bitches together to drink champagne and potentially expose each other and the caterers isn’t ideal, but that hasn’t stopped her yet. (Amazingly, neither has the CDC.)
Each guest will be given a gift bag with Louis Vuitton embossed toilet paper, and Lily will spend the event lying to her guests saying that Serena is volunteering in Europe to help those in need. This is one party I’m absolutely RSVPing to.
Ivy Dickens
Aw! Ivy! How we haven’t missed you. In an effort to “get back in with the gang,” Ivy has given herself over to Blair’s cause. She’s willingly been infected with coronavirus so the Waldorf-Bass team can study her. No one’s too worried about the long-term effects of just injecting her with a whole bunch of sh*t, and honestly, Ivy’s cool with it because this way she can at least feel something.
Penelope Shafai
Even in the middle of a worldwide crisis, Penelope is too busy brown-nosing Blair to do anything of real value. Better luck next pandemic, P.
Dorota Kishlovsky
Dorota’s “free time” is spent trailing after Blair, trying to avoid infecting her family even though she’s hasn’t even been remotely practicing social distancing, and drinking lots of vodka. Sure, she’s maybe developed a slight drinking problem while under quarantine (the fact that Blair isn’t letting her self-quarantine probably has something to do with it) but honestly, haven’t we all?
Nelly Yuki
As much as Blair doesn’t want to utilize Nelly (and as much as Nelly doesn’t want to help Blair), the two have teamed up to cure coronavirus. Nelly is the head researcher on the Waldorf-Bass team, and while she’s doing it to like, help people, she’s also hoping this will finally make Dan notice her. For a guy who has a serious chip on his shoulder, he sure does have a lot of girls chasing after him. Still, with Blair and Nelly working together (and Chuck footing the bill), we might actually have a shot of beating this thing. Guess brains, money, and power really might save the world. Go get ’em, B.
Bart Bass
Is Bart really dead? Was he behind the global pandemic? Did he bring the virus over to get back at Lily for leaving him and is hoping to cause an economic crisis to then poach the stock market? That’s a secret I’ll never tell. Xoxo.
Images: Giphy (16)
Cancel culture is by far the best thing to come out of the last decade. Sure, in some cases it can be hurtful and uncalled for, but so is polishing off an entire box of wine over the course of 72 hours. What’s your point? I, for one, am living for cancel culture, and not just because it speaks to the blackest, pettiest parts of my heart (though that is certainly a plus). There’s something to be said for holding people accountable for their actions, for holding a mirror up to all of their wrongs and saying “you know why, YOU KNOW WHY.” And in the past decade, no one has been called out more for their bullsh*t than powerful men, especially in Hollywood. Canceling sexy, powerful men (aside from being a sexual fetish of mine) feels like a long time coming and a necessary part of moving forward as a society. My vote has always been to isolate the men in an underground bunker and only let them out for breeding purposes or until they’ve learned to behave themselves, but my therapist calls this plan “troubling” and “something to discuss in our next session.” For now, I suppose, I’ll just have to settle for tarnishing their reputations and banishing their names and negative energy from the mainstream media. Sighs.
So, as we approach a new year and a new decade, let’s take a look at all of the men we need to cancel forever and finally leave behind (to hopefully eat sh*t and die):
James Franco
Talk about a 10 year challenge. No one has aged less well than James Franco. I’m not gonna lie, but back in the day I was a huge fan of Franco’s, and that had everything to do with his role as tortured (but sexy) knight in the romantic drama Tristian & Isolde. But little did I know that while I was swooning over hot beach sex and painful British accents, our boy James was out here allegedly manipulating and sexually exploiting the struggling, young actresses of LA. This is why we can’t have nice things, James!!
Back in 2018, and in the wake of #MeToo, several women from James’ acting school, Studio 4, came forward and alleged that this highly esteemed “school” was actually just an elaborate ploy to take advantage of young women. Furthermore, the $300 highly sought after “classes” taught at his “school” allegedly involved women disrobing in front of James and his pals. Hmm. This feels less like honing one’s craft and more like a page out of Harvey Weinstein’s playbook, but okay. Recently, two of the five women who came forward filed a lawsuit against James and I’m really hoping they take him for everything he’s worth. I always say, there’s no better way to start a new year than by watching a man be financially ruined. Cheers!
Nate Parker
I was today years old when I found out that Nate Parker, actor and former man of my dreams, is actually a flaming piece of sh*t. For those of you who don’t know, Nate Parker rose to fame after his role in The Great Debaters and, more recently, The Birth of a Nation. But I know him from Beyond the Lights, an OSCAR WORTHY movie, about hip-hop artist Noni who doesn’t want to be anyone’s music video hoe, she just wants to get back to making real music, and the sexy but sensitive cop who helps her find herself. So, as I’m sitting here WEEPING at the scene where Nate Parker whispers “I see you” to Noni, I find out that in real life Nate Parker has a very dark and troubling past that involves allegedly sexually assaulting a woman in college.
While attending Penn State in the late 1990s, Parker and his wrestling buddy were accused, and actually tried in a court of law, of raping a female student. Parker was found not guilty while his pal was found guilty, only to have his conviction overturned. With all the hype surrounding Parker’s new movie, The Birth of a Nation, the case has come back into the spotlight with renewed interest, and the information surrounding the case is… troubling to say the least. The victim alleged that she was too drunk to consent to sex, and that after she accused Parker and his friend of rape, she was harassed on campus by Parker and his friends so much so that she “feared for her life.” I’m not going to get into the full story here, but if you’d like to read more about the case (and you absolutely should) then this Vulture article is a great read. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go quietly weep for Noni and her monster of a prince charming.
Brad Pitt
First of all, I’d just like to say that I was never a fan of Brad’s. Not only do I think his acting is subpar (I said what I said!), but it goes against every bone of my deeply feminist body to support a philanderer like him. I have to save that kind of compassion and forgiveness for my own romantic relationships with cheating assholes, obviously. That said, he is good-looking, and in the last 10 years he has done nothing but further sully his own reputation so, congratulations Brad, you made my hit list. Bravo.
I think by now we all remember the infamous plane incident of 2016 that resulted in Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting a divorce after nearly 12 years together and Brad being investigated by the FBI for child abuse. But just in case you need a refresher, in 2016 Brad allegedly got into a drunken fight with Angelina (he was drunk; she was not) on the family’s private plane on the way home from France. An anonymous person then reported Brad to Los Angeles DCFS and claimed that Brad “attacked” their 15-year-old son Maddox during said fight. Apparently, Maddox jumped into the fight to verbally defend his mom when Brad “lunged at the boy.” Brad has vehemently denied hitting his son, though he does admit to being drunk and yelling at people. Since the incident, Brad has undergone a stint in rehab while Angelina has pushed for full custody of their kids in the divorce. Yikes. And to think I thought his low as a human being was when he copied his girlfriend Gwyneth’s haircut that one time, but it’s good to know I can still be proven wrong.
Ed Westwick
Chuck Bass is the reason I, a grown-ass woman in her late 20s, still consistently match with 23-year-olds in polo shirts on Hinge. So, it shocked me to find out that the man who plays a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women was allegedly, in real life, a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women. What is that saying about art imitating life? In 2018, actress Katrina Cohen came forward on Facebook and alleged that Westwick had raped her in 2015. In the Facebook post she says that the reason she didn’t come forward until after #MeToo was because she was persuaded into believing she was somehow complicit in her attack and that making accusations against the actor would kill her own career. No charges were ever filed due to “insufficient evidence” but the accusation itself is upsetting and troubling and reason enough for all of us to stop incorporating a whispered “I’m Chuck Bass” into foreplay (or is that just me?). Hey, Ed? You can go Chuck yourself now, mmkay?
Chris Soules
Remember when the Bachelor was actually America’s most eligible man and not just a flaming piece of garbage masquerading as a very attractive human man? No? Me either. Chris Soules was the Bachelor back in 2014 but his most recent claim to fame is that he accidentally ran someone over—and killed him!—as a result of drinking and driving. Wow, do we think Becca Tilley is feeling blessed that she never received that final rose, or what? Chris, always the gentleman, took responsibility for his actions by evading charges at all costs. At one point his lawyers even claimed that the law he violated (leaving the scene of a hit and run) was actually unconstitutional because it, like, got him in trouble. Look, this is a thing I say when my barista f*cks up my order and puts three pumps instead of two pumps into my peppermint mocha, and in that instance, is totally valid. When it’s not valid? Manslaughter. Here’s hoping that in the new year he’s properly banished back to the Iowa cornfield from whence he crawled out of.
Sadly, I’m sure there are many more Hollywood hotties who could have made this list, but truthfully I’m afraid if I include any more I’ll slip into another rage blackout and accidentally burn this entire world to the ground. Anyway, can’t wait to see what the new decade brings! Hopefully it’s a continuance of believing women and holding men accountable for their disgusting, damaging, and just, like, really illegal behavior. Cheers to the new year!!
Images: Shutterstock.com (5)
People who are way too vocal about how a TV show or movie is nothing like the novels they’re based on are the absolute woooooooorst. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am the absolute woooooooorst, especially when it comes to my taste in TV shows, according to our comment section. Gotta be honest, I watched only binge watched Gossip Girl once, and once was all I needed. However, I work at Betches, so I’ve seen enough content to act like I’ve seen the show a thousand times. I used to read the books religiously when I was in middle school, so I’m expert here (kind of) on the differences between the books and the show. So I can say with confidence that some of the changes Josh Schwartz made to 11-year-old Millie’s beloved Gossip Girl franchise suck more than when he killed off Marissa on The O.C. or brought on Taylor and Oliver. Here’s the lowdown on the worst of the worst amendments made to the Gossip Girl TV show.
Almost Everything About Chuck
The only similarities between book Chuck and TV show Chuck are that he’s super loaded, he was involved with Blair, and I cannot believe he’s in high school. Both of those Chucks never had to worry about typical high school things like grades or getting random boners during class (feel like Nate in both settings would have to worry about the latter, though). But first off: Chuck in the novels barely dated Blair, and it happened for only a year when they were in Oxford together. He did assault Jenny in the novel and the show, and shame on CW for being so forgiving and romanticizing him after that. (Maybe Ed Westwick is hoping he’ll get the same treatment TV Chuck Bass did after getting #MeToo’d, and that’s probably gonna happen to because he’s a privileged white male.)
In the novel, people really didn’t like him to begin with and he was only allowed in the social scene because he’s rich. But as the series went on, it was alluded to that Chuck was bisexual. Chuck also got rejected from every college because his parents didn’t love him enough to participate in Operation Varsity Blues. He was forced to go to military school by his dad, but he never showed face to orientation or classes. Overall, the biggest difference between novel Chuck and TV Chuck is that TV Chuck was portraying as a brooding, smoldering dude, whereas novel Chuck was just an asshole with little to no redeeming qualities. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen girls post sappy photos of Chuck and Blair on social media, saying, “I want a Chuck to my Blair!” No! Why are we romanticizing TV Chuck? He’s totally the type of guy to ask for nudes before you go on a date or texting “making it move” in response to something that wasn’t remotely sexual. Being the friendless, rudderless guy with no real friends is what Chuck deserves, and I’m glad the novel put him in his place (until his random romance with Blair).
Everything About Jenny
TV show Jenny is blonde, lithe, and eventually, very edgy. Novel Jenny was really short, had brown curly hair, and had really big boobs. Book Jenny had a one-sided fling with Nate where she made googley eyes at everything about him and he just made googley eyes at her huge rack. They hooked up with him in Central Park and someone filmed it. The relationship ended because Nate is SUCH a boy. Ugh, typical. After getting expelled from Constance for partying, Novel Jenny eventually went off to boarding school, where she went from underdog to being pretty popular (and inspiring a v good spin-off book series, The It Girl).
TV show Jenny, meanwhile, bitched out and left because Blair banned her from Manhattan. As I get older and older, this city seems to get smaller and smaller, and I bump into random people I know at least three times a week. So yeah, I’d wanna ban someone I hate from this city too because I don’t want to see their face. But WTF kind of prick has the audacity to ban someone from a city? Are you the police? No? Then you can’t tell me where to live. And furthermore, what kind of loser is like, “K, I’ll leave because you, some person who has no power over how I live my life, say so”? That’s such a weak exit on the writers’ end for one of the only characters I actually liked. The books did Jenny way more justice by showing us her downward spiral riddled with illicit drugs and rockstars, only to be expelled and sent off to boarding school.
Everything About Dan
The worst change that was made to Dan is that he was Gossip Girl the entire time. And then what’s up with the writers being like, “Okay, the characters can be miffed but Dan is welcomed with open arms five minutes later.” That sh*t doesn’t make sense. His relationships on the show were almost as terrible as him running a blog so stalkerish it would put Joe Goldberg from You to shame. Serena and Dan dated very briefly in the books, but broke up when they realized their relationship has zero depth. In the TV series, they break up a bunch but end up getting married in spite of their entire relationship consisting of gossiping about drama, creating drama themselves, and having extended eye contact as music swells in the background. That kind of relationship ultimately has no depth either, but was way more torturous to be drawn out for years. Novel Blair and novel Dan hate each other or don’t even acknowledge each other the entire time. TV Dan and Blair hated each other initially but ended up having like, the healthiest relationship on the show. Why didn’t they end up together again? Novel Dan’s biggest relationship was his on-again-off-again relationship with his bestie Vanessa (who shaved her head bald in that world). In the TV show, he just dates Vanessa very briefly after a threesome with Lizzie McGuire and they decide they’re better off as friends.
TL;DR Everything about Dan sucked in the series because it just made him have as much depth as a martini glass. Novel Dan at least had redeeming qualities and—get this—had some character development.
The Blair-Serena-Nate Love Triangle
The TV series just made it seemed like Nate was riding a merry-go-round of hookups and high school romances with zero depth. He did date Serena and Blair, but neither of those relationships were as profound as the girls’ other relationships. They didn’t even give him a happy ending by giving him a soulmate, which is honestly the most realistic part of the show because literally 95% of 30-something-year-old NYC guys don’t find someone they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with. Shout-out to Josh Schwartz for being realistic for one time in any of his TV shows!
But novel Nate actually did volley between Serena and Blair throughout the entire book series because he was in love with both of them, and had a couple of hookups in between. He didn’t want to get in the way of their friendship and so he sailed around the world with a family friend. Again, this is totally realistic because guys will do anything to avoid confrontation and dealing with their issues. So, in both different instances, he’s a typical boy, but his love triangle with Blair and Serena was way better than Blair and Serena having sh*tty relationships with Chuck and Dan. I was more emotionally invested in the love triangle because they all genuinely seemed to love each other, and it was hard to see how that relationship would’ve worked itself out, which makes it juicier.
Images: Giphy (4)
Face it motherchuckers, there’s nothing like a good Gossip Girl marathon to remind you how great 2008 was. Obama got elected, headbands were making a comeback, and it still mattered that your purse had a name brand (No fabric totes here, betches!). In honor of the end of the 20-aughts, let’s throw it back to the best/most ridiculous quotes from the show that aired, while we still had it all. And by “it all,” I mean a President that wasn’t garbage, parents who didn’t charge us rent, and a Motorola Razr.
Oh, and just to be clear, these quotes are probably mostly from the first few seasons of the show, you know, before things got weird, and all the writers had aneurysms and decided Dan was Gossip Girl. TBH, I’m honestly still mad about it, like fuming as I write this right now. My vote for Gossip Girl was either Dorota or Nellie, but hey, what do I know? As long as Blair and Chuck ended up together, I guess all is well in the world. Also, don’t @ me saying I ruined it for you with those spoilers. The show ended in 2012—legit five years ago. If you haven’t watched it yet, what are you, like 12? Anyway, enjoy this trip down memory lane. XOXO
“Don’t mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It’s my signature.” – Chuck
Chuck said a lot of really fucking stupid shit, but most of the time we legit didn’t care, because even though Ed Westwick is legit kind of weird looking, as Chuck, he could get it. Let’s be real, Ed Westwick is still weird looking and can still get it. Chuck was that annoying ass friend who referred to their friends by their full names and not what they actually went by. Also, what kind of a 17-year-old has a signature scarf? Chuck Bass, that’s who. Any questions?
“Relax, man. Girls know that when a guy says that during it doesn’t mean “I love you,” it means “I love having sex with you.” – Nate
OK, I mean, in some cases, Nate wasn’t wrong here. But this is probably teaching a whole generation of girls that dudes only drop the ILY so they can get in your pants. Nate wasn’t even the biggest fuckboy on this show, yet he’s dropping truth bombs on millennials like its nobody’s business. Like, thanks a lot Gossip Girl for furthering my trust issues with dudes.
“Wait, just tell me that no one’s trying to stop a wedding, run a Ponzi scheme, give anybody fake cancer, or turn into a justifiably vengeful townie.” – Eric
This quote from the littlest Van Der Woodsen seems really fucked up, yet, these are all legit real things that happened in the show. Like I said, the last few seasons of this show were totally insane. Not included in this quote includes Serena being drugged by her on-again-off-again boyfriend who turns out to be Gossip Girl, a legit crazy person impersonating Serena, or Chucks dad dying and then, oh jk, not being dead at all. Gotta give these writers credit for being pretty self-aware, most of the time.
“I don’t read Gossip Girl. That’s for chicks” – Dan Humphrey
Nice try, Humphrey. Like we were supposed to believe an educated, worldly, Brooklynite refers to women as “chicks.” Even in 2008, this seemed a little out of place. We all thought the writers just spazzed and made him Gossip Girl, but what if they planned on Dan being Gossip Girl the whole time and used quotes like this just to throw us off?! #hottake
“Looks like this Parisian beauty reeled in a Bass. A Chuck Bass, to be more specific.” – Gossip Girl
Gossip Girl her/himself said a lot of weird ass things throughout the series, but I would have to say the Chuck Bass puns were among some of the worst. This quote is from the part of the show where Chuck starts dating Fleur Delacour. Gossip Girl also once said something about Chuck Bass being adrift at sea or some shit. Like, OK people. We get that his last name is Bass and that’s a fish. HA HA. Make a new pun.
“Your daughter wakes up alone, drugged in an empty motel room, and you don’t call the cops? You don’t ask if she’s okay or what happened? You just have her committed? What kind of mother does that?” – Serena
Can we just talk about how Lilly and Rufus were probably the worst parents of all time? This quote makes the ridicu-list for referencing a huge part of the show that no one remembers: the parents were totally shitty all the time. They dgaf that their dating would make it weird for their kids to be friends, let alone dating themselves. Also, Serena was drugged by Gossip Girl who turned out to be Dan, and then her mom blamed her for the whole thing. Way to slut shame, Lilly.
“The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car, three words, eight letters… say it and I’m yours.” -Blair
What’s a list of Gossip Girl quotes without legit the best line from the whole show? A pretty shitty list, that’s what. Also, they’re at the Vitamin Water White Party during this episdode. WTF? Like that’s a thing. Blair tells Chuck that she’ll leave whatever aristocratic boyfriend she has at the time, if he just tells her he loves her. Of course, Chuck doesn’t say those three magic words until the end of season two, and then they don’t even really get together until the final season anyway. It’s all bullshit. Yet, why do I think about this quote all the time? Whatever, I ship Chuck and Blair forever.
Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!
It’s been a few years since Gossip Girl ended, but we’re obviously all still in love with Chuck Bass and consider Blair Waldorf to be a top female role model in life, followed by Michelle Obama. The show offered us a lot to learn about the plight of being young, hot, and rich in New York City, and much of its wisdom will simply never go out of style (ahem, everything spoken by Dorota). There were a few lessons from the show that we maybe shouldn’t take literally, although not positive TBCH. Here are the 15 lessons from Gossip Girl that are technically accurate, but still questionable.
1. Getting stalked is a completely normal part of high school and actually pretty desirable.
2. You might end up low-key almost murdering someone, but it’s fine if you’re pretty.
3. If you don’t murder someone, you’ll probably have at least a couple mental disorders, which is the minimum to live on the Upper East Side.
4. There will also be a decent amount of sociopaths who serve no other purpose than to plot your demise.
5. Don’t expect to get any help from parents, because they’re all even more sexually repressed and unstable.
6. Make sure to acquire a few “minions,” because it’s not grounds for harassment if they’re being graced by your presence.
7. Remember that the school uniform is CEOs and Office Hoes.
8. Don’t even bother going into the Met.
9. Be careful of socializing with outsiders who live in a sketchy place called “Williamsburg.”
10. (Hot tip: Williamsburg is a great place to live if you’re poor. You can get this enormous loft for basically nothing.)
11. On the bright side, being rich allows you to get into any Manhattan bar or club at age 16 and skip puberty.
12. It can also buy you the only thing that matters in life, which is a Polish maid named Dorota.
13. It’s easy to maintain a secret identity in a small high school by starting a blog with a traceable IP address, or wearing a two-inch mask to a party.
14. In the end, you’ll end up marrying your fuckboy high school boyfriend who refused to commit to you for several years.
15. Overall, high school is a really sexy time, and with any luck, you’ll have the opportunity to turn down your Ivy League acceptance to maintain all your toxic relationships in NYC!
XOXO, Gossip Girl
