As you probably know, for the last several years Hollywood has been overrun with hunky white guys named Chris, leading to a casual debate over which Chris is superior. You’ve got Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt, and Chris Evans (all stars of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, to make matters more confusing), as well as Chris Pine. Each Chris has his own strengths and career achievements, but at the end of the day, they’re all doing very well.
Well, they’re all doing well career-wise, but this hasn’t been a great week for Chris Pratt. Over the weekend, TV and film writer Amy Berg posted a tweet with photos of the four men mentioned above, and invited her followers to choose one to get rid of. If you’re on Twitter regularly, you’ve probably seen these kinds of celebrity prompts all the time, and discourse about “which Chris is the best Chris” isn’t a new phenomenon. As Berg’s tweet gained traction, it became clear in the replies that there was general consensus: Chris Pratt was getting voted off the island.
One has to go. pic.twitter.com/HUWnbQOA43
— Amy Berg (@bergopolis) October 17, 2020
Yes, that’s Chris Pratt, who stole our hearts as the dumb-but-lovable Andy Dwyer in Parks & Rec, and has since become an action star in Jurassic World and Guardians of the Galaxy. But the negative opinions on Twitter had less to do with his acting career, and instead focusing on his affiliation with the controversial Hillsong Church, as well as long-rumored conservative political views. While Pratt has never outwardly expressed political opinions, people on Twitter noted that he follows a few alt-right politicians on Instagram, and his church is notoriously anti-LGBTQ, promoting conversion therapy and opposing same-sex marriage.
But while this innocuous Twitter post—it wasn’t even a poll!—shouldn’t have really meant anything, instead, it became the kickstarter for a Hollywood controversy. After going semi-viral, Berg’s original tweet was picked up by some entertainment news sources, including E! News. Naturally they promoted the article on their Instagram feed, and more anti-Pratt comments flooded in on that post. This was apparently too much for Katherine Schwarzenegger, Pratt’s wife, to handle, and she fought back in the comments, accusing people of “meanness and bullying,” and saying that “being mean is so yesterday.” I love Hilary Duff too!
I’m not sure random people on Twitter trolling one of the world’s biggest movie stars counts as bullying, but overall, I’m not that mad about Katherine’s comment. Like, people are coming for her man, and she wants to defend him—that’s natural. I will always be team Anna Faris in this situation, but I get it.
But this whole thing took a turn for the bizarre, when later on Tuesday, some of Chris Pratt’s highest-profile co-stars Streisand Effect-ed this whole thing when they began chiming in with their own messages of support on social media. First, it was Mark Ruffalo, who said that Pratt is “as solid a man there is.” He urged us to “look at how he lives his life,” and added that Pratt is “just not overtly political as a rule.” This is a nice message, I guess, but the thing is, most of us have learned by now that the choice to be “not be overtly political” is one of privilege. Chris Pratt is someone with a large platform, so why shouldn’t he use that platform to advocate for marginalized communities?
You all, @prattprattpratt is as solid a man there is. I know him personally, and instead of casting aspersions, look at how he lives his life. He is just not overtly political as a rule. This is a distraction. Let’s keep our eyes on the prize, friends. We are so close now.
— Mark Ruffalo (@MarkRuffalo) October 20, 2020
Next in the sh*tty Avengers parade was Robert Downey Jr., who posted on Instagram that Pratt is “a real #Christian who lives by #principle.” Yeah, it’s the randomly placed hashtags for me. He then suggested that those who have issues with Chris Pratt should “Delete your social media accounts sit with your OWN defects of #character.” It’s one thing to defend your friend, but the end of this caption just feels patronizing. Fun fact: you’re allowed to call out someone else’s problematic beliefs even if you’re not 100% perfect yourself.
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What a world… The “sinless” are casting stones at my #brother, Chris Pratt… A real #Christian who lives by #principle, has never demonstrated anything but #positivity and #gratitude… AND he just married into a family that makes space for civil discourse and (just plain fact) INSISTS on service as the highest value. If you take issue with Chris,,, I’ve got a novel idea. Delete your social media accounts, sit with your OWN defects of #character, work on THEM, then celebrate your humanness… @prattprattpratt I #gotyerbackbackback
But for me, the icing on the cake was Zoe Saldana’s tweet. Quoting none other than Tupac Shakur, she encouraged her friend, “No matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up and handle it.” Then she told Pratt “you got this,” and said that anyone he’s ever met knows “your heart and your worth.” I’m sorry, but if I read this tweet with no additional context, I would think that Chris Pratt just got diagnosed with terminal cancer or something. It’s nice to stick up for your friends, but this is too much! He’s getting called out on Twitter, not like, accused of a murder he didn’t commit. It is just not that serious.
No matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up and handle it.
You got this @prattprattpratt . Your family, friends, colleagues & everyone who’s ever crossed paths with you knows your heart and your worth!
— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) October 21, 2020
This whole situation brings me back to a few months ago, when famous people were coming out of the woodwork to defend their pal Ellen DeGeneres. The main difference? With allegations about her the work environment at her show and her leadership swirling, Ellen was actually going through a tough time. Chris Pratt just got dragged in the reply section of a tweet—no one is taking away his movie career, and this will all pass in about a week. This man will be absolutely fine! If Chris Pratt doesn’t want to say who he votes for, that’s his decision. But he’s a public figure, and if people on Twitter want to use some widely available context clues to figure out where he likely stands, that’s their right. If they’re wrong, Chris, feel free to speak up and correct the record; don’t be shy.
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Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; bergopolis, markruffalo, zoesaldana / Twitter; enews, robertdowneyjr / Instagram
It’s November, and the temperatures have finally started to drop, which can only mean one thing: holiday engagement season is coming, ready or not. You might still be keeping your friend Heather’s impending engagement a secret until Thanksgiving, but it looks like one celebrity is kicking things off early this season. Anna Faris was spotted wearing a huge ring in LA on Sunday, and all signs are pointing to an engagement.
Anna Faris has been married twice before, most notably to Chris Pratt. They got married in 2009, and after having one son together, it was pretty shocking when they announced their separation in August 2017. Their divorce was finalized the next year, and they’ve both been busy since then. After a whirlwind romance, Chris Pratt got remarried to Katherine Schwarzenegger earlier this year, and now it looks like it might be Anna’s turn to walk down the aisle.
Anna Faris Appears to be Engaged After Showing Off Massive Ring https://t.co/W2qMj8iyzj pic.twitter.com/81vh3ztzh3
— Latest Celebrity News (@LatestCelebNew5) November 4, 2019
She’s been dating cinematographer Michael Barrett since late 2017, though we’ve never known a lot about their relationship. Michael is noticeably absent from Anna’s Instagram posts, so we’ve only ever really seen paparazzi photos of them together. Still, we’ve known that they were pretty serious for a while, and Michael has definitely spent time with Anna’s son. Last year, the paparazzi got photos of Michael and Anna taking her son trick-or-treating along with Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger, which sounds awkward, but I’m glad to know that everyone is on good terms.
Anna Faris getting engaged again is an interesting turn of events, considering she publicly discussed her hesitance to get married a third time earlier this year. On Laura Wasser’s Divorce Sucks! podcast, Anna was candid in saying that, while she believes in “love and monogamy” and commitment to a relationship, she struggles with the legal system and the way marriage works in our society. Well, clearly something changed over the course of this year, because that ring doesn’t just look like a “love and monogamy” ring.
Assuming that Anna Faris is, in fact, engaged, I wouldn’t imagine that we’re going to be getting a lot of details any time soon. I mean, she’s been dating this dude for over two years and still hasn’t posted a single photo of him on social media. When are these celebrities going to learn that I really need them to post high-quality, up-to-date photos of whoever they’re dating? They make my job too damn hard. No, for her third time down the aisle, I would imagine that Anna Faris will probably go pretty low-key, not like some of the more extravagant celeb weddings we’ve seen.
Congratulations to Anna Faris and Michael Barrett if they’re actually engaged, and if they aren’t, then damn, that’s a nice ring to be wearing for no reason.
Images: Shutterstock; latestcelebnew5 / Twitter
I hear wedding bells, betches. Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger are engaged, and well, you’d think Chris would have waited until the ink dried on his divorce papers, but I guess celebrities are not just like us. (I’m kidding! Even Chris’ ex-wife is thrilled about his impending nuptials, which is totally normal and not at all a façade for the media.) Anywho, according to the Daily Mail, the couple decided to tie the knot after just seven months of dating. And I can’t even get guys to admit we’re together after seven months of dating. Cool.
This, of course, leaves me no choice but to analyze Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger’s astrological compatibility before they walk down the aisle. BTW, have I mentioned Christopher is 10 years older than his fiancée? (I am such a fan of this age gap!) Anyway, when I first looked at their compatibility, the first thing I thought was, holy sh*t balls! The sexual chemistry between these two is EVERYTHING, and I’ll tell you why.
For starters, don’t let Schwarzenegger’s salt-of-the-earth vibes fool you. Dare I say, the 29-year-old author is an undercover sex kitten, and a force to be reckoned with. Born with the sun in adventurous Sagittarius, Schwarzenegger is spontaneous, freedom-loving, and a lover of the unknown. To top it off, she was born with Mars (sex drive), Pluto (power), and Lilith (our shadow side) in Scorpio. *Insert shocked emoji here.* FYI: The energy of Scorpio is intensely passionate, deeply emotional, and TOTALLY vengeful—kind of like all your Scorpio friends.
Femme Fatale much? The bride-to-be is a highly passionate woman with a smoldering intensity. On another note, however, her gracious ruling planet Jupiter (luck and expansion) was sitting directly over her moon in sensitive Cancer (emotions and sense of nurture) at her time of birth. I know, WTF does this even mean? Well, for starters, our girl is emotional AF, eerily intuitive, and a true Mommy’s girl. Funny enough, a source told PEOPLE that Maria Shriver (Schwarzenegger’s mother) helped set her up with Pratt. Kudos to Mom.
The Guardians of the Galaxy actor was born with his sun (ego) and Venus (seduction style and type of woman he’s attracted to) in the curious sign Gemini, which also happens to be Sagittarius’ complete opposite. However, this is actually a good thing, as both of these zodiac signs complement each other, and work via the same astrological axis. (Chances are, he fusses over the meticulous details, and she focuses on the bigger picture.) Pratt’s sun and Venus are hovering over his eighth house of sex and regeneration, which means transformation is a prominent theme in his life, both personally and in regards to his relationships.
The 39-year-old actor also has a Moon-Mars conjunction in Taurus (which means the moon and Mars were sitting VERY close at his time of birth) in his seventh house of relationships and acquaintances, which tells me he can be ridiculously stubborn, and confrontational when crossed. Put it this way: the moon represents his emotions, and Mars ignites the fire. Meaning, his emotions can be explosive, and fuel rather easily. On a brighter note, Pratt’s sensuality is strong, and he thrives when he can indulge in the pleasures of life alongside his SO.
Are They Compatible?
Now, astrology is infinite, and there’s a whole other level to each of their birth charts. However, one thing’s for sure, and it’s that these two are INTENSE AF, so you can already imagine what happens when you combine both energies, considering that their personalities are innately polarizing and ruthlessly set in their ways. It’s my way or the highway for Pratt and Schwarzenegger, and I highly doubt either of them would ever compromise. (That’s not a good thing.)
Furthermore, and say what you will, but it’s safe to say Pratt is completely infatuated with his bride-to-be. While this is something you typically expect in a serious relationship, there’s a dark side to it as well.
For instance, Schwarzenegger’s Mars (sex drive), Pluto (power), and Lilith (taboo side) are sitting right over Pratt’s Ascendant (sense of self) and Uranus (inner rebel) in smoldering Scorpio. In astrology, Mars ignites the fire, and it’s also Scorpio’s traditional planetary ruler, which means this energy is working at its FULL potential. Meaning, it’s red, hot, and horny AF.
This could bring intense passion, but it could also consist of ego trips and dark manipulation tactics. Also, and not to keep making this about sex (it’s all Christopher’s fault), but Schwarzenegger’s energy sort of sparked a sexual revolution for Pratt, liberating him in an extreme and profound way.
Sadly, we don’t have Schwarzenegger’s time of birth, so I couldn’t tell you their astrological synastry more in-depth. However, I think by now you have a better idea of their vibe as a couple. It’s Fifty Shades of Pratt, all day.
Images: Giphy (3)
Are you obsessed with cults, conspiracies, and true crime? You’re in luck—we’re launching a new podcast on all that sh*t starting October 1. It’s called Not Another True Crime podcast and it’s going to be dope. Follow @natcpod on Instagram and Twitter for more details.
I believe Tina Fey said it best when she said, “Hollywood is like a high school cafeteria. You have your Varsity Jocks, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don’t Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, and of course, your Jesus Freaks.” And as it turns out, there are quite a lot of Jesus Freaks. I personally have no problem with religion or religious celebrities, but being the sweet, stupid souls they are, some tend to get themselves involved in cults like Scientology suspicious organizations. Call me skeptical, alright?
So a few weeks ago when I was bumming myself out over the fact that Chris Pratt has a new girlfriend that isn’t me and doing a deep dive into their dates for material to complain to my therapist about, I noticed that he and Katherine Schwarzenegger attended church together. And yes, it is the same church that Justin took Selena to during their brief reconciliation this year. So like, is this a thing now? Are the pews lined with cocaine and Playboy models? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only way they’d get celebs to attend.
As I began my Insta stalking research, I learned this organization is called Hillsong Church, and is a favorite of the Biebs, the KarJenners, and Nick Jonas. So what is it, exactly? And why are celebrities taking dates there instead of to like, Tao, or in Ben Affleck’s case, Jack-in-the-Box? Well today’s your lucky day, friends, because I’m about to give you the deets on this church that is most definitely, for sure, totally not a cult.
There’s A Hot Pastor
Is your church even cool if everyone doesn’t want to bang the pastor? Thankfully, Hillsong doesn’t have to answer that question because their pastor is hotter than any dude currently competing on Bachelor in Paradise (except Joe, duh). His name is Carl Lentz, and he co-founded the New York City branch of Hillsong in 2010. Let’s take a gander at that face that was perfectly crafted in God’s image. Like, perfectly. God chiseled that jawline Himself.
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SO @avaangellentz turns 14 today.. I love being her daddy. TIME. FLIES!! I used to say the typical young dad things we all tend to say about our daughters.. “I’m gonna keep her in the house” “get out the shot guns” “she will never date…” and I get all those sentiments, truly…but then, you begin to see a woman of God develop and mature and you realize that she’s a LEADER. She can and will make her own good decisions. She’s strong and capable and classy and wise.. When she does date? The guy will be a legend, cause she knows what she is worth. When she does leave my house? She will be ready. Because she’s smart and focused. Thankfully both those scenarios are NOT TODAY. TODAY, its just her birthday!! And that’s about all I can cope with, anyway.. AVA BOO!! Your future is so bright. Your RIGHT NOW, though? Spectacular. I love you. I’m proud of you. Thanks for giving me grace, as Im learning every day how to be a better father..you are more complex than you think! But I love every second of trying to figure you out.. enjoy this day, girl!! Let me know when you want me to come hang with your friends and teach everybody what cool is, etc. #occupy14withdadplease #textmebackquicker #callmemore #iwillbuyyourloveanytime
I bet he doesn’t even need those hipster glasses to see. Show me your prescription, Carl. PROVE IT!
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TODAY IS THE DAY! OWN THE MOMENT IS AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE… excited to see this book, help people! I've appreciated the interest and support from so many, including the @nytimes who reviewed the book and gave it an honest look! But no matter what anybody says about it, photo #2?? Made the whole thing worth it.. I had signed a lot of books yesterday, was truly an amazing day, and as I looked up I recognized a little voice and a little face… "dad, will you sign my book?"of course I cried, of course it was awkward but sometimes the best moments in our lives are like that.. who knew the review that matters the most? Belonged to a little guy that lives with me. "I like it dad, I'm gonna bring it to school…" #OWNTHEMOMENT LINK IN BIO!!
Not only is Lentz a regulation hottie, but he is also extremely close with Justin Bieber. He even baptized Justin in Tyson Chandler’s bathtub, and is his personal pastor. However, it is rumored they’re on the outs right now since Lentz did not publicly congratulate Justin on his fast and not at all rash engagement to the daughter of the Baldwin I’ve dubbed “most likely to be a serial killer”.
It’s In A Cool Venue
Have you ever been sitting in St. Patrick’s Cathedral and thought to yourself, “Man, I really wish this religious service felt more like a concert”? Well then you’re in luck, because if you attend Hillsong Church you get to feel like U2 is saving your soul. Well, your soul and the souls of 2,000 others who think being a born-again virgin means “just the tip.”
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I love @hillsongnyc .. when you plant a church or anything for that matter, knowing where you WERE and seeing where you ARE gives you a good indication of where youre gonna BE.. One thing is for sure: we started with faithful, selfless people who committed for the long haul. And to see these people, some you know, some you wont, step into what God has for them is inspiring… I asked my friend Anthony aka @lilcasanova360 to help me pray for people at Barclays center, recently. He said “you know I prefer to be off the stage, but if you need me to, I’ll do it.” He has been greeting ppl as they come in our doors for over 7 years now! He represents the best part of who we are… this past sunday we had a lot of services as always, from Manhattan to Jersey, to Boston, to Connecticut.. at least 20 different people led, preached, ministered… to many. It’s a testament to those who commit to building a cause and a community. So much is possible and I’m grateful that I get to be a part of a church like this! #occupyallstreets #spotlightsorshadows #churchinthewild
The New York services are held in Hammerstein Ballroom, home to legends like David Bowie, Britney Spears, and Patti LaBelle, and now apparently to anyone who is looking to absolved of their sins by a man in skinny jeans.
The Church Is Welcoming To Everyone
Hillsong is a global pentecostal megachurch, which means that they adhere to the word of the Bible. Obviously, since the Bible is a text that was written a while ago, it’s not necessarily in step with the times. Pastor Hottie has publicly stated that the church believes that gay marriage and abortion are both sins. But as he explains in this excellent GQ profile, that doesn’t mean they don’t welcome everyone to their church, no matter what. I assume the “no matter what” part of that statement means “as long as they donate 100 grand and sign an NDA.”
Considering their congregation has a few DUI’s, a sex tape, some out of wedlock pregnancies, and the song “Pizza Girl” amongst them, I’d say it’s a good thing the church is forgiving of sins.
Pastor Hottie, is this allowed?!
It May Be Shady
As you may have guessed, any organization that encourages people to follow the teachings of one charismatic man may not have the purest of intentions. *cough* Charles Manson *cough*. Now I’m not saying that Hillsong Church is going to murder anyone in the Hollywood Hills, but Post Malone is saying that, okay? SUE HIM, YOU HEAR ME!? According to Post Malone, Justin donated $10 million to Hillsong, and he is now “super-religious” and “real culty,” which is what I said about my cousin when she got “John 3:16” tattooed on her lower back. Pastor Hottie disputed those claims from the personal spray tan booth in his gilded bathroom. I’m not sure who to believe, but in the church’s defense, Post is always tired and that’d f*ck up anyone’s ability to form a rational thought.
And that’s the deal with Hillsong Church! I hope all these celebrities really do have their souls saved by a hot pastor in Hammerstein Ballroom, and that the power of Jesus is so strong it cancels out the strategically timed nudes their publicist a hacker released.
Images: @carllentz /Instagram (3); Giphy (2)
Are you obsessed with cults, conspiracies, and true crime? You’re in luck—we’re launching a new podcast on all that sh*t starting October 1. It’s called Not Another True Crime podcast and it’s going to be dope. Follow @natcpod on Instagram and Twitter for more details.
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you made it through another Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year when it’s basically a requirement that you sit down and watch sports. Even though your mind was probably on Kylie Jenner having her baby, you still had to like, be in the room while football was happening. But everyone really only watches the Super Bowl for three things: delicious junk food, the half time show, and the commercials. We can’t physically send you food through your computer screen, and we’re kind of sick of talking about Justin Timberlake, but let’s talk shit about commercials.
This year, a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost about $5 million, so all these companies better fucking hope they didn’t waste their coins on a lame commercial. Really, there are probably like six ad teams around the country just waiting to be fired today once their boss sees that their commercial flopped. We’re looking at you, Dodge commercial that tried to use a Martin Luther King speech to sell trucks. Come on guys, not a good look. So while you were busy shoving your face with seven-layer dip and escaping to the bathroom with your girlfriends, we came up with our ranking of the best Super Bowl commercials this year. And yeah, we probably missed some, it’s really not that serious.
10. Michelob Ultra
Chris Pratt is funny and adorable and also very hot when shirtless, and he brings a lot to the table in this commercial. We’re not sure who actually drinks Michelob Ultra, but nevertheless Chris is very excited about it.
I can barely get the wifi in my apartment to work, so I’m a little pissed that Keanu Reeves is apparently able to seamlessly build a website in the middle of the desert, but otherwise this is amazing. Am I like, turned on by Keanu Reeves?
While teenagers are busy eating Tide pods, the actual people who work there were hard at work making this epic commercial. Stranger Things star David Harbour makes the case that every ad is a Tide ad, and we kind of almost believe him by the end. It’s a Tide ad.
7. Winter Olympics
While we’re a little disappointed that we haven’t moved past the un-ironic use of “Girl on Fire,” we fucking love the Olympics. This series of ads highlights some of the top Team USA athletes, so you’ll know who to pay attention to.
6. Jack in the Box
I’ve never eaten at Jack in the Box, but when someone says the words “Martha Stewart feud” I usually appear within 10 seconds. Martha and Jack have some serious beef (or chicken, I guess) over their new sandwich, and when she takes off her earrings, you know it’s serious.
Was being in this commercial the Giants’ punishment for having one of the worst seasons ever? That’s unclear, and it’s also unclear why the NFL needs a commercial while 100 million people are *currently* watching an NFL game, but we’re here for the dancing.
Tiffany Haddish is a national treasure and she must be protected at all costs. Tiffany dismisses the haters that say using Groupon makes her cheap, because who has time for that kind of negativity? We need to go to a spa with her ASAP.
Pepsi flawlessly rebounds from last year’s Kendall Jenner fiasco with a nod to its historic commercials throughout the years. We see Cindy Crawford, Michael Jackson, and our lord and savior Britney Spears, and it’s all narrated by Jimmy Fallon. Four for you Pepsi, you go Pepsi.
2. Amazon Alexa
If Amazon is going to take over the world, please let it be like this. In this ad, Alexa loses her voice and is replaced by a bunch of celebrities, including Cardi B and Rebel Wilson. Fuck country music, you’re listening to “Bodak Yellow” tonight.
1. Doritos & Mountain Dew
Add this to the list of things we never knew we needed. Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage engage in a rap battle and we are literally screaming the whole time. If you spent all of ninth grade trying to memorize the Busta Rhymes verse in “Look At Me Now,” prepare to be jealous because Peter Dinklage still knows the whole thing. Brb watching this on repeat for the next seven hours.
If you brought a new boyfriend home to Thanksgiving and you’re still together as you’re reading this, congratulations. Not everyone can make it, which is why today we’re reminiscing on the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2017. Cheers to the ones you remember, and pour one out for all the ones you forgot about. It’s been a long year.
10. Chris Pratt & Anna Faris
Tbh this one was only really dramatic because we’re psychopaths who care too much about this, but whatever. They always seemed like a normal, fun married couple with no reason for drama, but obviously shit happens. They released a diplomatic statement about how they have all this respect for each other, because of course.
9. Fergie & Josh Duhamel
Like with Chris and Anna, we really didn’t see this one coming. They got married at the height of their fame in 2009, but things probably started to go downhill when they named their son Axl. Tbh the last straw for Fergie was probably when she found out Josh was doing ANOTHER Transformers movie. How are they still making those?
8. Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom
Resident weirdest girl in school and our favorite pirate called it quits in February after a year of dating. There’s no way to know for sure, but maybe Orlando didn’t love the short blonde hair and annoying publicity stunts?
7. Robert Pattinson & FKA Twigs
Who would we be if we didn’t update you on Edward Cullen’s life? After Rob said last year that they were “kind of engaged” (ladies, you have permission to key your man’s car if he ever says that), they reportedly broke up earlier this year. Guess he should have “kind of” tried a little harder, because she’s been hanging out with a male model.
6. Nicki Minaj & Meek Mill
Nicki had previously been coy about whether she and Meek were engaged, but she officially announced that they were over in January. Looks like she dodged a bullet, as Meek is now in prison for 2-4 years for violating his probation. Good job Nicki, you got out just in time.
5. Selena Gomez & The Weeknd
We may or may not have already written some stories about this, but it’s literally so good. Have fun with Justin and Bella, kiddos, and use protection!
4. Scott Disick & Bella Thorne
We might never actually know what went on here, but what we do know is that Bella came home from Cannes early, and she was replaced with a hotter girl the next day. There are conflicting reports about how *together* they actually were, but whatever. Bella’s basically been spiraling since, while Scott got with Sofia Richie and probably a bunch of other 19-year-old models.
3. Jennifer Hudson & David Otunga
We weren’t expecting much from this breakup, but it’s really been bringing the drama. Last week, Jennifer got an emergency order of protection, which also means David doesn’t get to see their son. This one is gonna be messy, but we really hope Queen J-Hud is okay.
2. Janet Jackson & Wissam Al Mana
You might be wondering why Janet and this guy you’ve never heard of are on this list, but hear me out. Wissam is a rich businessman from Qatar, and their prenup stated that Janet would get $100 million in the divorce if she stayed for five years, and $200 million if there was a baby. So what did Janet do? You better believe she stayed for five years, had a baby, and got the hell out of there with the money.
1. Mel B & Stephen Belafonte
It’s important to be there for the Spice Girls when one of them is in a time of need, and Mel B’s divorce was a fucking dumpster fire. Stephen allegedly got the nanny pregnant, paid for the abortion, and was violently abusive towards Mel. Basically, he’s a trash human. Scary Spice deserved a less terrifying husband.
It’s still only August, but it seems like celebrities are scrambling to make sure they’re on Santa’s nice list this year. We already saw Justin Bieber ditch his world tour to be closer to Jesus, and now Chris Pratt is also talking about religion like the world is ending tomorrow.
Chris’ separation with Anna Faris is obviously the most important news story so far this month, and we really wondered how each of them would do in the aftermath. Chris made his first public appearance Sunday at the Teen Choice Awards, where he won the prestigious “Choice Sci-Fi Movie Actor” award. A moment of silence for the bleakest sentence eever uttered into existence. In his acceptance speech, Chris decided to keep it real:
“When I came to Los Angeles, I came from Hawaii and I had all of this blonde hair and I was tan and I met an agent because I really wanted to be an actor and get an agent and he said, ‘Wow. Bro, you must surf?’ And I said ‘Yeah,’ and that was the first of many lies I told to get where I am today.”
He then continued, “I would not be here with the ease and grace I have in my heart without my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.”
Okay, that is truly a whirlwind of a story. First of all, we cannot imagine Chris with blonde hair, and we refuse to try. And wow, he must feel like such a piece of shit for lying about something as massive as being a surfer. Tbh if that’s what keeps him up at night he sounds like the least fun person on the planet.
He obviously feels strongly about Jesus right now, which I guess kind of makes sense when your seemingly perfect marriage disintegrates. The only problem is that we don’t usually take religious advice from someone holding an award that’s shaped like a surf board. Correction, we don’t take religious advice from anyone, but the surf board isn’t helping.
We’re more than halfway through 2017, and it’s kind of been the worst year ever. Sure, our government is fucked up, but we’re really talking about all the terrible, unexpected celebrity breakups that we’ve had to endure so far this year. I definitely don’t have a heart, but if I did it would be breaking. Let’s take a walk down shitty memory lane and relive the most important breakups of 2017 so far.
1. Chris Pratt & Anna Faris
When we heard the news, we honestly couldn’t believe it. The House Bunny and Andy Dwyer always seemed to get along so well, so it’s disappointing to know that even they couldn’t make it work. Life sucks and nothing lasts forever, get used to it.
2. Luann de Lesseps & Tom D’Agostino
Seven months was enough for Countess Luann, who announced last week that she and Tom are dunzo. We can’t wait to see this drama unfold in front of the cameras 3-6 months from now on RHONY, when all the housewives pretend to act sad for her even though literally all of them told her on multiple occasions not to go through with the wedding.
3. Nicki Minaj & Meek Mill
We could give a shit about Meek Mill, but it’s deeply important to us that Nicki Minaj is respected and treated like the absolute queen that she is. To be honest, we’re just waiting until she and Drake finally stop pretending and just fucking date already.
4. Jennifer Lopez & Drake
Speaking of Drake, he and J Lo only lasted two months before they moved on to greener pastures. For what it’s worth, Jenny seems very happy with A-Rod now, and Drake seems very content to just put out random singles and hang around waiting for Nicki or Rihanna to end up with him.
5. Leonardo DiCaprio & Nina Agdal
Okay, this probably wasn’t that surprising, but whatever. After a year of dating, Leo got sick of dating a hot model 17 years younger than him, which is so typical. We can’t wait for when he’s like, 70 years old and still dating 20-year-olds, it’s such a good look.
6. Ben Higgins & Lauren Bushnell
Is one of these lists really complete if there’s not at least one Bachelor couple calling it quits? Ben and Lauren were cute together, but let’s face it, they still met on a TV show. It’s my personal theory that Lauren never got over Ben telling Jojo he loved her, or maybe she just didn’t want to be the wife of a failed politician. Either way, the most boring couple in Bachelor history will be missed, but not that much.
7. Courtney Stodden & Doug Hutchison
You might not know who they are if you’re not complete garbage, but I am guilty of caring way too much about Courtney, who married 50-year-old Doug back in 2011, when she was only 16. She surely has a bright future in stripping or porn or something; you go, girl!!
8. Olivia Munn & Aaron Rodgers
We’re not sure why we were so attached to this couple, but this one hit hard. We don’t watch football unless we’re trying to impress a guy, and we can only name like, one thing Olivia has been in, but they always seemed normal together, which is something. Honestly, we only gave a fuck because of the tenuous Bachelor connection. Whatever, RIP.
9. Chris Evans & Jenny Slate
Captain America and the voice of Marcel the Shell/Mona Lisa Saperstein (can you tell I’m into Parks and Rec?)/SNL Alum Jenny Slate always seemed like an odd couple made in heaven, but it wasn’t meant to be. There are rumors that she’s now hooking up with Jon Hamm, so she obviously must have like, a third boob or something. Seriously Jenny, tell .
10. Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom
Here’s our theory: Katy showed Orlando her concepts for her new album, including her annoying short haircut and terrible makeup, and he was like “yeah sorry gotta go bye!!!” Katy has truly been the most annoying this whole year, and Orlando can definitely do better.