I am unashamed of my obsession with the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise. I live for my Monday night dose of drama, makeouts, and “can I steal you for a second?” While the show is never short of entertaining, their track record for successful relationships is not the best. The Bachelor has been on for 23 seasons and The Bachelorette is currently airing its 15th season. Although The Bachelorette has a better success rate of producing long-lasting couples, do we think Hannah B and her man-to-be will make it? Only time will tell. But here is a list of the couples that met on The Bachelor or Bachelorette and are still together (for now). Who is engaged? Who is already married? And how many bachelor(ette) babies are there? Chris Harrison, will you be paying for their children’s college tuition …?
Colton Underwood and Cassie Randolph
Season 23, The Bachelor
While Colton and Cassie didn’t technically end up together at the end of the season, they seem to be going strong now. If you remember (I know it was a v long time ago—like, a few whole months?), Cassie left the season, Colton jumped a fence and then said adios to the final two ladies he had. He then begged Cassie to take him back, and it seemed to work out in his favor. Cassie and Colton are just dating, though, and have not gotten engaged yet. Maybe it’s the lack of engagement ring or lack of sex that’s their secret to success? That, or the sponsorship deals. It’s a little too soon to tell if this couple will make it for the long haul yet.
Becca Kufrin and Garrett Yrigoyen
Season 14, The Bachelorette
Becca deserved a happily-ever-after following her fiasco of an appearance on Arie’s season. She and Garrett got engaged at the end of her season and seem to be happy together (from what I can tell on social media, which we all know presents a completely accurate picture of people’s relationships). Becca and Garrett have not set a date for their wedding yet, or at least, not publicly. They have been engaged for almost a year. How long is too long for an engagement?
Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham
Season 22, The Bachelor
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Another successful couple that technically didn’t end up together with the final rose is Arie and Lauren. If you’ll recall (but really, how could anyone forget?) Arie chose Becca as the winner and then called off their engagement shortly after to be with Lauren, with whom he was DMing while still technically engaged to Becca. It was, overall, not a great look. While the breakup between Arie and Becca was v rocky (and uncomfortable to watch), Lauren and Arie are still together today and seem super happy. They two announced they were expecting their first child together and even got married, so okay, I guess we can stop hating Arie now.
Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abasolo
Season 13, The Bachelorette
One of my favorite Bachelor franchise couples, Rachel and Bryan went through her season ~relatively~ drama-free, and that seemed to work out in their favor. It’s been a fairly long time coming, but they will tie the knot in less than 100 days. They told Us that they’re planning on having a destination wedding, and it will not be televised. Ugh, sad. That only leaves one question: Will Peter be invited??
Jojo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers
Season 12, The Bachelorette
Even though many viewers during Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette were not convinced Jordan was there for the right reasons, I think he and Jojo are actually adorable. Many people thought they wouldn’t make it down the aisle, but after a three-year engagement, the couple is finally going to tie the knot. They told ET that 2019 was going to be the year, but we’re about halfway into 2019 with no wedding in sight. Come on guys, I’m rooting for you! We’re all rooting for you!
Desiree Hartsock and Chris Siegfried
Season 9, The Bachelorette
Now we’re starting the #tbt portion of this list, with Bachelor and Bachelorette couples you might have forgotten about or didn’t know about because you didn’t really watch The Bachelor back then. After Brooks Forester left Desiree heartbroken, she found love with Chris got engaged. The couple got married in January of 2015. Since then, they had a son, Asher, 2 years ago and recently gave birth to another son, Zander, in January.
Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici
Season 17, The Bachelor
In case you forgot, Sean Lowe was the first “virgin Bachelor”, before Colton made it a thing. Sean chose Catherine during his season as The Bachelor and they’ve seemed happy ever since. They got married in January of 2014 and of course, it was televised by ABC. In July 2016, they gave birth to their first son, Samuel Thomas, and in May 2018, they had their second son, Isaiah. They’re also one of the most fun Bachelor couples to follow and are constantly joking about marriage and parenthood on Twitter. Seriously, follow them—Bachelor Nation needs more couples like these two.
Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum
Season 7. The Bachelorette
Ashley and J.P. are an adorable couple. (Have I been saying that about basically every couple on this list? Tough.) They got hitched (which was televised and officiated by Chris Harrison) in December 2012. They had their son, Fordham Rhys, in September 2014 and daughter Essex in November 2016. Clearly, this couple is still going strong. Maybe you can find love on reality TV?? BRB, going to go submit an application.
Jason Mesnick and Molly Malaney
Season 13, The Bachelor
Another couple that didn’t start off together, and was kind of the original Arie and Lauren, is Jason and Molly. Back on season 13 of The Bachelor, Jason originally got engaged to Melissa Rycrof during his season but changed his mind and announced his split during After the Final Rose. Yikes. Is it better or worse that Arie didn’t dump Becca in front of a live studio audience? I’ll let you all be the judge. Anyway, Jason then asked Malaney for a second chance. They got married in February 2010 and now have a daughter, Riley, who was born in 2013. Jason also has a son Ty from a previous relationship. Could they have a cuter family of four or what? This is proof that sometimes, people make mistakes, but sometimes correcting those mistakes works out in the end.
Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter
Season 1, The Bachelorette
The true OG Bachelorette success story comes from the very first season of The Bachelorette. What a simpler time it was back then—no Instagram, no #sponcon, just people looking for love (and maybe be on TV, but there was no guaranteed way to segue that into long-term success). In any case, Ryan and Trista got married in December 2003 and was the first wedding televised by ABC. After 16 years of marriage, the two have a son, Maxwell, and daughter, Blakesley.
And there you have it: proof that maybe Mike Fleiss and his cronies can actually help people find love. Do you think I should do another article on Bachelor in Paradise couples? Let me know in the comments!
Images: tristasutter, mollymesnick, ashleylynnrosenbaum, seanloweksu, desireesiegfried, joelle_fletcher, therachlindsay, bkoof, laureneburnham, coltonunderwood / Instagram; Shutterstock
From the first moment that ABC announced Hannah Brown as their new Bachelorette, I knew that we were in for six months of eye-rolls and idiotic pageant references. There’s nothing ABC loves more than an easy punchline (trigger warning: Colton’s virginity), and so you know they’re not going to miss a single opportunity to bring up sashes and tiaras and swimsuit competitions and ALABAMA. Well, we’ve now been #blessed with the first promo for Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette, and the verdict? I am already f*cking tired.
In the clip, which was premiered on Good Morning America today, Hannah B. traipses through a fairytale forest that looks like they tried to remake Avatar with no CGI budget. Hannah B. is wearing a tiara and a sash that says “BEAUTY QUEEN,” in case you couldn’t use your powers of deduction to figure out that she is, in fact, a beauty queen. She’s in a big white gown, but it’s one of the ones where it’s actually pants, and the skirt part is removable. If I had to guess, she’s going to take off the skirt at the end of this thing.
FIRST ON @GMA: The brand new @BacheloretteABC promo! Get your roses ready #BachelorNation! #TheBachelorette ? pic.twitter.com/55qmJzYipN
— Good Morning America (@GMA) April 5, 2019
As she wanders through the forest, she tosses aside the tiara, then the sash, then THE SKIRT. I WAS RIGHT. This is basically every sh*tty perfume commercial ever, and could also be mistaken for a Taylor Swift video from 2010. At least they’re going with a tried-and-true concept. Oh! And I almost forgot about the music! As Hannah explores the enchanted forest, with more bad CGI roses growing around her feet, we hear a stupid cover of “You Don’t Own Me,” the classic song about being a bad bitch who doesn’t need a man. Wait—isn’t the whole point of this show that Hannah B. does need a man? Mike Fleiss, I’m unimpressed by your mixed messages here.
We’re left with what is presumably the tagline for the new season, and man, it’s some of ABC’s best work, truly. THINK YOU KNOW HER? THINK AGAIN. Wow, I’m just struck by how creative and original that is. I mean, where do they even come up with this stuff? I’m just waiting for next year, when the Bachelorette tagline is probably going to be NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Gotta love the wordsmiths over at ABC.
Remember this tragedy?
So, what’s going to happen?? Will Hannah B. ever find her way out of the haunted forest? Will she save herself, or realize that she needs a knight in shining armor? Honestly, I’m not sure her motley crew of guys has any knights in shining armor, so hopefully she’s good on her own. We’ll all find out when The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 13, and you better believe we’ll be here ready to roast.
Images: ABC; @GMA / Twitter; Giphy
Welcome back, Bachelor fam! Before I dive into this week’s recap, just know that I read the comments from last week and I will be addressing them. For those of you who insinuated that perhaps I wrote the last recap late night and/or drunk, I would just like to say that in my defense, the show does end at 10pm so when else would I write the recap, and I absolutely was drunk. There’s just something about watching Colton and his sweaty hands for 120 minutes every Monday evening that makes me want to take a bottle rosé to the face. I’m not apologizing for that. Now, moving on to the recap.
If you’ll recall, when last we left off Onyeka and Nicole were in the middle of World War III, despite the fact that their entire reason for being in each other’s lives was sitting right next to them. Colton’s expression throughout that fight was the same look my dad used to wear when he was trying to reason with me and my sister during a fight over who stole whose Delia’s top and had the audacity to wear it on school picture day (she did). Colton stormed off in a fit of rage (not unlike my dad) to go cry on a sand dune about how some of the women—GASP—might actually be there for fame and not love.
Which brings us to this week’s episode: I love that Onyeka is not in the least bit bothered that Colton is pissed. In fact, she takes the fight one step further by bringing it to the rest of the girls’ attention. She’s like “raise your hand if you ever been personally victimized by me? RAISE YOUR GODDAMN HAND.”
Yeah, that’s not terrifying at all. I definitely didn’t just wet myself a little.
The Rose Ceremony
So I guess that brings us to the rose ceremony, though I thought we left off on a group date? I’m so confused. Did we really leave off during a rose ceremony last week? Am I wrong? Am I hallucinating? Do I care?
Colton starts the ceremony off by declaring that tonight has been hard on him because he was not the center of attention for five f*cking minutes. Honestly, I understand his plight. My birthday was literally three weeks ago and people are acting like it’s okay to not shower me with constant praise and affection? Like, my astro sign is still in orbit. Don’t be f*cking rude.
Final Rose Count: Onyeka and Nicole both get sent home. In other news, the sky is blue.
Did we really think anyone else was getting sent home? As Demi puts it: “they dug their own graves.” I just love that Onyeka could care less about being eliminated. She’s like “rejection doesn’t feel great but it feels better knowing I will absolutely be on Paradise!” Yes, nothing dulls the pain of getting dumped on national television like tequila shots and producer-manipulated love triangles.
The One-On-One Date
Hannah G gets the first one-on-one date this week, and I was wondering when Colton was going to remember she existed. She got the first impression rose night one, but since then we haven’t seen much of her. You know, aside from Colton using their “one-on-one time” at rose ceremonies to find the nearest bed, couch, or pool chair on which to aggressively make out with her.
We’re only a few minutes into their date and I already have a feeling it’s going to be a snoozefest. Hannah G may be beautiful, but she has the personality of sugar-free gum.
COLTON: What do I love about Hannah G? She has blue eyes and she smiles.
YOU’RE LITERALLY DESCRIBING HALF THE GIRLS ON THIS SHOW AND MY MOM’S LABRADOR RETRIEVER. What is your point!
Colton keeps talking about how “insane” their connection is. Cut to a montage of Colton and Hannah G dry humping on every surface in that spa.
You guys, Colton is not mature enough for a real relationship, let alone marriage. He is such a horn dog! Every girl he likes, he likes because they let him grind on them to completion. Seriously. Has Hannah said one thing this entire date other than “is this your gum because I just found it in the back of my throat?” And this is an actual contender to be his future wife??
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. I guess Hannah G is feeling insecure about the fact that their relationship is about as deep as mine with that guy that texts me “u up” twice a year because she suddenly finds a sob story to talk about. She says that she’s a child of divorce and it’s like, what’s your point? Look, I’m not trying to say that her experience wasn’t traumatic, but literally half the population has divorced parents. That doesn’t make you original, it just makes you average.
Hannah G gets the date rose and secures herself a spot in Colton’s heart for at least another week. I guess that hand job on the massage table was worth it.
The Group Date
The group date is up next, and multiple women are upset that they’re on yet another group date. Sydney, Demi, and Katie were all hoping for the coveted one-on-one date, but it was instead given to Kirpa, aka the girl with the Band-Aid on her face. Honestly, the Band-Aid is suspicious. I would not be surprised if she hurt herself on Bachelor property, threatened to sue, and then leveraged her way into a one-on-one date. That feels like the only reasonable explanation for this randomness.
Ugh. I hate when there’s a date card description with the words “fighting” and “strong” and the women show up in their sluttiest athleisure. Like, I didn’t know Forever21 endorsed “strong women” as well as “women hoping their fake ID will work at penny draft night,” but I digress.
For the group date, Colton wants the women to beat the sh*t out of each other. I paraphrase. But for real, he does want them to fight each other. Why do I have a feeling Demi is bringing a shiv into the ring with her?
Okay, also, have you noticed that this is a common theme for all of his group dates? Is Colton pitting the women against each other in some sort of fight/survival scenario in the hopes that he won’t ever have to grow some balls and eliminate someone??
I may have spoken too soon about Demi. She’s getting her ass kicked in the fight, and it feels very off-brand for a person who has literally started sh*t with every woman in that house. Is it just me, or does she seem really defeated this episode? Is it because almost everyone over the age of 25 has been eliminated and there’s nothing else to fuel her hatred?
COLTON: I’ve seen enough.
Me too, Colton. Me too.
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Sydney won’t stop complaining about how she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet and tbh I feel like she’s thiiiiis close to snapping. I just wish all of these girls knew that Colton knows just as little about the girls he takes on one-on-one dates as he does about the ones on group dates. Except maybe how their ass feels in his hand.
Katie is also close to an emotional breakdown and she has good reason to be, because I genuinely do not know who this girl is. Has she spoken any words this entire season?? Colton pulls her aside during the cocktail party and I can’t recall a single conversation the two of them have had together.
She’s like “I know I’m pretty monotone but I do care about you.” She says all of this without looking up from her feet. Why is she acting so weird?? She’s not even making direct eye contact with him! She reminds me of that brother from Wedding Crashers, the one with the paintings and the emo haircut?
Katie tells Colton that she’s afraid he’s going to cut her because their relationship isn’t as far along as some of the other girls, and Colton does a really sh*tty thing here and tells her he doesn’t want that to happen. He’s pretty much assuring her that he’s into her when we all know she’s going to be cut first at the rose ceremony this week.
Demi pulls Colton aside next. She says that the reason she wasn’t good at fighting earlier is because she’s very “soft and sensitive”, and she says that with a straight face. Lol. This is the same girl who would suggest any woman old enough to legally rent a car should invest in Life Alert.
Demi wants Colton to call her mom with her, and it’s a smart move. Last time she played the mommy issues card she got the group date rose. I’m honestly impressed by her shamelessness.
OMG. You guys, is Sydney leaving too?? She’s like, “some girls are taking this too lightly.” GOD FORBID DEMI CHUCKLE. But I do sort of get where she’s coming from. It’s clear Colton was only going to string her along for another episode or two.
Sydney goes home. Colton gives an impassioned speech to the rest of the girls about how he has so much more to give, and he’s certainly referring to his virginity. I just gagged.
The Second One-On-One Date
Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date. Colton says he’s looking to get some answers today, but so am I. For instance, wtf happened to her chin last week??
Their date might as well be a series of stock images under “rich people travel”—it’s that stereotypical. For all intents and purposes, their date is cute. They go scuba diving, have a nice dinner, yada yada. But I know this date is going downhill because Colton hasn’t aggressively rubbed himself against her even once.
You guys, this date is so boring and I hate that because I think I might actually be rooting for Kirpa? Not only does she seem like a real human being, but it also seems like she’s feeling him out instead of him feeling her out. I like that.
They get on the subject of Colton’s virginity because they’re both contractually obligated to bring it up at least once an episode. Apparently Kirpa’s ex-fiancé was also a virgin! Lol. I love how Colton had to clarify that his virginity isn’t for religious reasons and he will be losing it at some point during this show. He’s like “well I do totally intend on having sex with multiple women in fantasy suites so…”
Colton asks Kirpa if she could see herself getting engaged at the end of this, and she responds with a very confident “yeah.” I didn’t think forever would sound about as enthusiastic as me telling my roommate I’ll get sushi if she’s already ordering it, but okay. Eternal happiness to you both!
Demi decides she deserves her own one-on-one date, and I love that about her. What I don’t love is she came dressed to seduce Colton like I go dressed to buy “one thing” at Target. At least show some cleavage, honey!
She uses the flimsy excuse of checking in on him to see how he’s doing after Sydney’s departure. I think he’d believe you more if you weren’t wearing enough body glitter to light up downtown Miami.
WHAT. HE’S BREAKING UP WITH HER??? I’m genuinely shocked that he’s dumping her like this. I mean, they both didn’t seem very attracted to one another, but still! I thought he at least wouldn’t be smiling as he dumped her!
She’s like, “I don’t know what to say to that” as she pretends to wipe away tears from a face that is bone dry. Save those fake tears for Mexico, honey. That’s where your talents will really be appreciated!
The Second Rose Ceremony
Tbh I’m surprised we’re even having a rose ceremony tonight. I think we all know Katie is going home, right? I can’t think of one other woman who might be on the chopping block other than Heather, but her Josie Grossy storyline should get her at least one more episode.
Chris shocks the women by saying there won’t be a rose ceremony this evening. Colton’s made up his mind.
Katie gets sent home, to the shock of no one with working eyes and ears. Before Katie leaves she gives Colton a cryptic message about girls not being there for the right reasons, which is exactly what Sydney said before she left.
COLTON: But I thought Sydney was talking about Demi!!
Newsflash, Colton! Demi wasn’t the only hot blonde who graduated from college six months ago and decided to forgo the real world for a few months and try her hand at becoming a reality TV star. Child, please.
And on that note, I’m out betches! I’m literally counting down the minutes until the infamous fence jumping scene, so let’s hope it’s next week!
Images: Giphy (5); bachelorabc, kirpasudick, bachelorinsider / Instagram
Between the assault that was Ben Flajnik’s tank tops (stripes on stripes), Sean Lowe’s born-again virginity (100% not a thing), Arie’s love of everything (he loves that), and Nick Viall’s general douchery, we’re #done with the poor showing of men brought to us by ABC through The Bachelor franchise. Can you remember a time we really, truly LOVED the guy selected as the next Bachelor? I can. It was Juan Pablo, and he turned out to be one of the worst people pretty much on any show ever, and that’s including Scott Disick.
We hereby nominate Chris Harrison as our next Bachelor for the following reasons:
He’s Already Divorced
So this is kind of a f*cking duh point, but based on the secret lovers of Bachelor franchise contestants throughout time, it’s a solid point to make. Chris has no (romantic) strings attached. He has no wife, two kids (see: baggage), and just a big, sad, empty mansion (I assume) where he writes his erotic fiction. He divorced in 2012 after almost 20 years of marriage to his college sweetheart (YIKES), but hey, at least we know he’s not afraid of long-term commitments!
He’s A Prestigious Writer
Lest we forget, Chris Harrison is a f*cking legit erotic novel writer. Yes. He’s responsible for the sentence: “He was a practiced, considerate, and skilled lover, and two years together had taught him how to please her.” Did we all throw up together? If that doesn’t say, “I like to get freaky but I’m sensitive,” idk what does. Fun fact: I read six pages of Chris’ book, and I think he has a combination of BDSM and mommy issues he needs to work out.
Do you have any idea how much Chris Harrison takes home after hosting this trainwreck of a show? He has the easiest job in Hollywood and appears to have job security, so that’s the first plus. Aside from that, his net worth as of September 2018 was estimated to be about 16 million smackaroos, thanks to a combination of The Bachelor franchise and saying yes to anything (ANYTHING) ABC and Mickey Mouse ask him to do. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, fam. It’s not Bill Gates-level living, but it’s better than that “financial advisor” bro that keeps sliding into your DMs.
He’s A Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama
Chris literally cannot. He LOVES building up non-events, teasing us with commercial breaks, and dragging out some of the most hard-to-watch moments on television. Example: During Becca and Arie’s breakup, I could 100% see Chris’s boner. I’m not even mad about it. Chris revels in catfights and breakups and knows just what to say to amp up non-action. Can we get him on Lindsay Lohan’s show? ***Furiously scribbles notes to start GoFundMe to send Chris to Mykonos***
He Seems Sad
I would be, too, if I had to live my life hosting The Bachelor franchise. Despite the money and hundreds of Bachelor friends, Chris seems sad. This also makes him vulnerable and a perfect candidate for a show dedicated to exploiting people’s fears of relationships.
He Knows Good Television
Chris knows how to play sh*t up, f*ck with the audience (and me), and completely destroy contestants. Lest we forget his foray into speaking Japanese and literally kicking Yuki off The Bachelor: Winter Games. Was literally anyone expecting that? How about when he was 100% ready to explain how to lose your virginity in three easy steps to Colton (fingers crossed that still happens this season)? Chris knows that we want and how to time commercial breaks so we come in our pants (sorry) every time something unexpected happens.
He’s Hot In A Dad Way
Don’t deny it. Chris, with his striking blue eyes and non-balding head are a big upgrade from the usual dads we’re weirdly into. He’s also from Dallas and an old frat bro, so he’s definitely into mowing the lawn with a beer and making you watch football. I’m personally upset by how okay with that I am.
Chris Harrison gets to fly to scenic Bach filming locations, be they Richmond, VA (LOLOLOLOL) or Vienna, Austria. He probably has a working knowledge of fine wines and knows exactly what cheese to pair with your Gewürztraminer. We already know he can speak Japanese; how many other languages can Chris say “the most dramatic season ever” in?? Sh*t, he can probably name the best street food stalls in Thailand and knows the best saunas in Switzerland. Take me with you, Chris. I’ll speak whatever language you want (as long as it’s English).
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (8)