2018 was a big year for Kardashian babies. Within the first half of the year, Kim, Kylie, and Khloé all had new additions to the family, and so there was plenty of baby drama to go around. But as we all know, the devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder. If you were worried there would be a lack of Kardashian babies in 2019, you can safely put those fears to rest. Multiple sources are confirming that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a fourth child via surrogate, and it’s a boy. We’re less than 36 hours into 2019, and I’m already exhausted.

You probably all remember that, after having her first two kids herself, Kim had a lot of issues with getting pregnant again. That led them to use a surrogate to have their third child, Chicago, who was born last January. They’re using a surrogate once more, and the sources are saying that the baby is due in early May. Thankfully, that gives us plenty of time to mentally prepare for the newest Kardashian-West arrival, because I’m still reeling from when Tristan cheated on Khloé the week before she had her baby.

The sources say that Kim has always wanted four kids, so this is, like, the final addition to her perfect family. That’s nice, but I think there’s another reason. Honestly, Kim probably decided to pull the baby trigger once she heard that Meghan Markle was pregnant, because our American royalty has to keep up with the Brits at all costs. We haven’t gotten any confirmation about Meghan’s due date, but I really hope that both of these babies are born on the same day, so we can see who’s really more famous. Meghan Markle is definitely thirsty for good press, and I would love to see the Palace scramble to get top billing over Kim and Kanye.

In terms of baby names, I’m still working on a full list of ridiculous possibilities, but given that they went with Chicago last time, it would seem very fair to name this child Calabasas. It’s what they deserve!! Congrats to Kim and Kanye, and to all 40 of the other family members that I don’t have the energy to list. This family is never going away!!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy

As we all learned yesterday, Kulture Kiari Cephus has made a grand entrance into the world. And apparently it’s not a rare strain of chlamydia, it’s a baby girl. Welcome to the world, Kulture!  It’s a dumpster fire here, you’ll love it! If we’re being serious, though, this is a fucking heinous name that makes my ears bleed a little more each time I hear it. Soon I fear I will hemorrhage. Kulture is not even a name when you spell it CORRECTLY, Cardi B, and really, taking a page out of the Kardashian naming book? Sad! In other sad news, Kulture is not the only baby this year saddled with a name that will surely drive her to selling her own sex tape to TMZ approximately 18 years from now. So, let’s take a look back at the celebrity babies this year and rank them on how fucked up they will be based on their “names.” Because nothing is more fun than eviscerating innocent children, am I right? Obviously this list will go from “they’ll probably be fine” to “their first DUI arrest will be next week.”

Crew Gaines

TBH Crew is not the stupidest name I’ve ever heard. It just makes no sense with the Gaines naming philosophy, which is basically “all the boys get the same name and all the girls get the same name.” Seriously. Joanna and Chip Gaines’ other boys are named Drake and Duke, and their girls are Ella and Emmie. It’s like they picked one name they liked and when they went to put it on the birth certificate they were told they couldn’t use it again and so they switched some letters. So Crew just comes out of left field. I fear he will be screwed up because he knows he’s different than his siblings. He will grow up feeling like an outcast and will end up being a loser that goes to art school.

Canon Curry

Let’s be real, Canon Curry will be fine. His dad is Steph Curry and he’s the only boy in his family, so I’m sure he’ll be the anointed one. But he’s going to have to deal with that annoying red squiggle on Microsoft Word for the rest of his life since that’s not how you spell Canon, STEPH! Too busy hitting three-pointers to check a dictionary, huh? Odds are that this name will drive poor Canon to insanity, or at the very least, make him a very bad speller. But I also can’t spell at all, and look how far I’ve gotten in life! I get to make fun of babies on the internet!

Marvel Wentz

So I guess Pete Wentz is a big fan of The Avengers? Why couldn’t he have just gone to Target and gotten that Captain America shirt my brother wears every weekend? We wouldn’t doubt your fandom, Pete. Marvel will most certainly not be a Supreme Court justice, but will definitely be a mediocre Red Lobster waitress, quick with a sarcastic comeback and flush with a trust fund. And an “ironic” Thor tattoo on her upper thigh.

True Thompson

True Thompson is going to be the biggest fucking liar this world has ever met. Nothing she says will ever be true, and she will be her father’s daughter. True will burn through men like I burn through a family size bag of Lay’s sour cream and onion chips when I’m on my period. Expect at least five marriages, countless cheating scandals, and at least one shoplifting incident where she swears she just “forgot to pay” for the couture gown shoved in her bag.

Chicago West

Chicago West is a SUPER cute baby. Unfortunately, even that won’t be enough to save her from a life of butt implants, lip fillers, and a superiority complex. Chicago will see herself as the savior to her namesake city. Sadly, while running for mayor, her butt implants will explode, resulting in Chicago being forced to admit none of the Kardashian asses are real. Chicago will bring shame onto the entire family and will be forced to go into hiding and no one will ever see her again. There will be whispers Kris Jenner murdered her, but no claims will ever be substantiated.

Stormi Webster

The year Stormi was born, Stormy was also the name of the most famous porn star. Dare I say it’s prophetic? Moving on…

Ariana Sky Magro

If we’re being real for a minute, we all know that a name is probably only one factor in determining how fucked up a human being becomes, since Ariana is definitely the best celebrity baby name to come out of 2018. Know what’s a bigger factor in determining your future issues? If your mom allegedly dragged your father with a car while you sat in the back seat sucking your thumb. Or, say, if your father said he couldn’t turn your mother from a hoe into a housewife. Ariana Sky, our hopes for you do not reach the sky, they barely reach past the New Jersey state line. By the time she is a teenager, she will be a hybrid of the two grossest humans that ever existed and will have powers so evil and heinous she will destroy the world. May God have mercy on our souls.

Best of luck to these babies! I hope their lives don’t turn out how I’ve predicted, but I fear they will. And to all the parents out there, just remember—it’s never too late to legally change your baby’s name to Emily.

Images: Giphy (3)

The last Kardashian baby of the year has finally emerged from her mother’s womb, wiped clean of her 24-karat gold amniotic fluid, and is ready to post her first topless pic on the Instagram account her grandmother so lovingly set up. She has been swaddled in Gucci blankets and her placenta has been commandeered by Kourtney for snacking purposes. True has officially arrived, and now it’s time for reflection. Since we have a (probably brief) break in Kardashian procreation, I thought it might be a good time to take a look back at all the Kardashian baby names from over the years and rank them.

I realize most rankings usually go from best to worst, but so many of the names are terrible, horrible aberrations that I would not even deign to name my dog (Hi Macaroni! Mommy loves you!) so “best” is really a stretch. Our ranking will go from a scale of least ridiculous to I’m sending in Child Protective Services. Let’s start the judging process, friends.

Me rn:

1. Penelope

Penelope is obviously the most normal of all the Kardashian baby names, and maybe Kourtney is on to something with all that placenta pill popping, because her children have the least insane names of the bunch. It’s gotta be because they weren’t as famous when Kourt’s kids were born, right? I’m pretty sure the more famous you are, the more brain damaged you are, and therefore the more fucked up names you choose for your spawn.

2. Mason

Mason is also not a ridiculous name, so congratu-fucking-lations, Kourtney, you’ve impressed me and not made me want to jump out my window. But, I was poking around the internet trying to see where she got it from, and I stumbled upon an article in the Daily Mail that said Mason means the same thing in English that Kardashian means in Armenian. What a beautiful sentiment, Kourtney. But also a little weird because Mason’s middle name is Dash, after David Schwimmer (her dad), and a part of the name Kardashian. I like that she’s honoring her dad, especially since no one else seems to give a shit, but it’s a little redundant, no?

3. Reign

This is where it starts to go off the rails for Kourtney. Reign is not a name. Reign is something a king or queen does. Your child is not royal, just the product of unprotected sex between the 4th best sister on a reality TV show and a basic white dude from Long Island. Prince George would spit in your face, Reign, and make you carry his knapsack like the peasant you are. Although, I guess Reign is descended from a Lord…

4. True

I don’t even like the name True, so that’s how you know what absolute dumpster fires I think the other names are. This name is bad, but I’m gonna give her a break because this poor baby girl is going to have other things to worry about. Like the fact that her dad’s a cheating sack of shit or that she may or may not share DNA with the most famous murderer of the 90’s.

5. Dream

I mean, Dream Kardashian is the product of a famous stripper and a man whose greatest accomplishment is the fact that his mommy bought him a sock company, so tbh this could be a lot worse. I guess it’s like how my lawyer friends use the “Supreme Court Justice” test to give their kids names that would be appropriate on the bench; Rob and Chyna did the “Las Vegas Strip Club” test to give their kid a name that would be appropriate on the pole.

6. Stormi

I know Kylie Jenner is barely old enough to drive, so I shouldn’t have expected much, but don’t rich people get the news? Even if Stormi was Kylie’s number one choice since she dreamed it up during recess in second grade, I would think the fact that it is also the name of the most famous porn star in recent history would at least give her pause. And no Kylie, the “i” at the end does not class it up.

7. Saint

Naming your kid Saint puts quite the expectations on them. Saints are holy, they live a life inspired by Jesus, they make sacrifices to help those less fortunate than themselves. They most certainly do not fly in private planes, have their diapers changed by a team of night nurses, and a mother that got famous because of a sex tape. Or wait, is that Mother Teresa’s origin story?

8. Chicago

CHICAGO IS A CITY. IT IS NOT A NAME, YOU MORONS. It’s windy, cold, and filled with murder. I don’t care if that’s where Kanye is from, that’s not lovely imagery to associate with your brand new bundle of joy. Like what could have possibly possessed these morons to name their daughter Chicago? Did she look like a deep dish pizza coming out of the surrogate’s birth canal? It’s the only explanation.

9. North

Ding, ding, ding! North West, you are the winner of the fucking worst Kardashian baby name award! You get a blue ribbon, latent rage toward your parents, and a never-ending parade of expensive psychiatrists. I also was not even kidding about this ranking system, I legit called CPS on the Wests when I heard this name. Apparently they “have better things to do,” and “don’t appreciate prank calls.” Well CPS, I was deadly serious. This is a living human, they should not be allowed to give her a name that is basically a joke. If you want to give something a punny name, get a goldfish for fuck’s sake.

We’ve reached the end of our ranking, and honestly, that was exhausting. I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter what these children are named, they’re growing up on reality TV and being raised by plastic surgery-obsessed narcissists, so their mental health issues are inevitable. This family should have been sterilized.

Images: Wifflegif (2); Giphy (2); Gifer (1)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West finally revealed the name of their daughter, and it’s… Chicago West. Kim announced the choice on her app, and then later on her Instagram story, simply uploading a photo that said “Chicago West.” Like, it makes sense because Kanye is from Chicago, but I know I can’t be the only person who thinks Chicago West sounds like a new up-and-coming hip-hop festival that takes place in various venues throughout the city. Then again, is it any better than North? That’s not for me to say. I guess I can admire them sticking to the theme of daughters with geographical names, and I’m assuming that should they have another son, they’ll have to continue with their “sons with Biblical names” trend. I’m calling it now, Kanye and Kim’s second son will be named Prophet West. 

Here’s the picture Kim uploaded, that is sure to inspire a million rip-offs on Etsy as we speak.

This looks like I print I could find hanging in the dorm room of any college freshman.

TMZ reported that Kim and Kanye are calling Chicago by the nickname Chi, pronounced “Shy”, which anyone who’s ever listened to one song by any Chicago rapper should know anyway. Kim confirmed the nickname by retweeting this tweet that basically says as much:

And to everyone who thinks it’s literally pronounced as CHI. No. It’s “Shy”

— Leslie ♥ (@rodashian) January 19, 2018

That being said, didn’t Kim and Kanye also say upon North’s birth that her nickname would be “Nori”? Because I’ve literally never heard either of them refer to her as Nori so far. 

Congrats to Kim and Kanye, though. They could have done a lot worse as far as celebrity baby names go. I just feel bad for Chicago because that’s definitely one major city she can never live in.