‘Riverdale’ Recap: How Many Cults Can One Town Have?

This week I’m just going to jump right into the Riverdale recap, because there’s only so many jokes I can make about the writers of this godforsaken show (but let’s just say they continue to test my f*cking sanity with every new plot device they introduce). Shall we begin?

The episode opens with the warden checking in on Archie, who is apparently in the hole. For those of you who never watched Orange Is The New Black aren’t familiar with prison jargon, that means he’s in solitary confinement, which I didn’t realize juvenile detention centers even had. They keep making Archie out to be some kind of Andy Dufresne, even though he literally asked to be in prison. 

I guess Archie refused to be the warden’s new cage fighter and that’s how he ended up in the cell with no food, water, or sunlight. Like, this can’t be f*cking legal. This is a JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER, not a maximum security prison! Archie is a straight, white, relatively attractive male. If anyone should be eluding the justice system, it’s him! I’m not buying it, CW. Nope.  

WHAT. FP AND ALICE ARE IN BED TOGETHER AND WHAT AM I LOOKING AT OMG. Goddamnit, CW, is this real or nah? And if this is real how DARE you deny us the lead up to this post-sex lounging taking place on our screens. You’re just gonna tease these two banging for TWO SEASONS and you’re not even gonna to let us watch it happen? THAT’S IT, I’m done you have my full attention.

Elsewhere, their children also just got done having sex! What a coincidence that isn’t all tainted by incest now.

BETTY: Do you think it’s kind of ghoulish that we banged in Dilton’s bunker?
ALSO BETTY:

Lol. Betty please stop acting like screwing in your dead friend’s bed doesn’t turn you on. Come on.

They think this whole Gryphons and Gargoyles thing is some sort of cult and it’s the smartest thing they’ve said all season. I’m not sure what gave it away. The unhinged following, the strange altar they worship at, or the all the murder/suicide to even get into the club. I guess that’s just good detective work, kids!

Betty goes so far as to say that perhaps the farm is also part of the cult. Again, any “farm” that takes in a runaway teen mom and her infant children who were conceived out of incest with open arms is most definitely a cult.

Betty’s like, “I don’t trust the Evernevers” and it’s like, well I don’t trust that people would willingly subscribe to a cult headed by a man named Evernever. It looks like we all have a lot of trust issues here.

Meanwhile, Veronica contemplates opening her secret speakeasy without Archie. A. Secret. Speakeasy. You and every hipster in the greater NYC area, V! Tbh I don’t know what’s more unbelievable here. That a 17-year-old is opening up her own night club or that she wants to wait until her boyfriend gets out of prison to do it.

Okay, wait. Did I just hear Veronica right? It’s a speakeasy that will only sell mocktails?

That is the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard on this show, and they’ve tried to make incest an acceptable thing, like, multiple times.

Speaking of Veronica’s bf, Archie gets dragged out of his cell in the middle of the night to go watch one of the cage fights. The warden has Joaquin fighting in Archie’s place, and IDK why this is eating Archie up so much. Joaquin literally wanted him to SHIV someone, like, two episodes ago. Prison changed him. He can def handle himself in a cage fight. Archie’s like “don’t make me watch anymore, I’ll fight for you!” Further proving that Archie will literally fall for every trick in the book.

ARCHIE: *breathes*
ME: YOU’RE A BOOB

Someone plants children’s birthday party favors Jingle Jangle in Veronica’s speakeasy and she is PISSED. She wants her bar to be completely dry and why is everyone hell-bent on ruining her good time?? Of course this happens right as the sheriff shows up to do an inspection. Reggie’s like, “do you think your dad is behind this” and it’s like NO SH*T he’s behind it, buddy. I already don’t like how much time they’re spending together. I have a feeling Reggie is about to be the Asian replacement Archie while the real one is in Shawshank doing time.

She goes looking for Jughead to see if he’ll help her blackmail her dad so she doesn’t have to pay off his hired thugs, but finds Cheryl instead. Cheryl literally set her childhood home on fire out of spite, so I feel like blackmail is child’s play to her.

Okay WHAT. These girls throw on their best black spanx and f*cking break into The Ghoulies’ meth lab. Excuse me, Jingle Jangle lab. They make it seem like breaking into a drug den is easier than sneaking out after curfew. Just because you own a black cat suit and know how to use a back door does not mean you’re super stealthy! It just means this show is trash you’re lucky AF.  

Lol. Betty comes home and finds a bunch a farmies in her living room. She has to confess all her sins if she wants to meet Edgar Neverever. They’re like “it’s cool, Betty, we know all about the dark connection you have with your serial killer father and also the web cams!”

BETTY: I’m feeling so personally attacked rn

Okay, I seriously can’t believe Alice aired all their dirty laundry out like that! She told them about every illegal thing that family has ever done and, like, that list is long. Also, can you imagine what this cult probably thinks of them?

THE FARM: We’re going to need some sort of collateral from you if you want to join our cult family. You know, something secret or seriously damaging?
ALICE: Well we murdered someone accidentally and got rid of the body… does that count?
THE FARM: 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was an overshare, Alice. I’m thinking they wanted something more like nudes, but okay.

Okay, this G&G game is sooooo creepy. Jughead shows up to Ethel’s lair and she’s got candles burning, she’s wearing a headdress and demanding kisses from the players. Something tells me that last one was a rule she made up, but OKAY ETHEL.

She’s like “if you want to play the game then you need to drink out of one of these two chalices and one of them might be poisoned. Good luck!” AND JUGHEAD DOES IT. So, let me get this straight, kids. You frown upon underage drinking but playing Russian Roulette with your lives is chill?? Jughead drinks from the right cup and doesn’t die. Small mercies. But then Ethel starts downing the other one even though she knows it’s poison! That b*tch is crazy.

Cut to Veronica’s opening night and I’m impressed. It looks poppin’ AND there’s even a valet, which feels extra because I can’t imagine Pop’s parking lot is that big, but okay.

Okay, every time I think this bar looks really cool and all I remember that everyone there is sober. Hiram shows up and the vibe gets even creepier. There’s just a bunch of sober, scantily-clad 17-year-olds… and Hiram. Gross.

Veronica’s like “see, daddy? This is how you run a legitimate business.” Yes, Veronica, I’m sure your daddy is very impressed that you found enough friends to come to your open mic night. Like, all you’ve proven here is that you’re popular. Very popular.

Okay, so is Josie the only talent for the entire evening? Minus the weird shadow dancers in the background? Sooo it’s, like, a school dance? Except no one’s even allowed to spike the punch? Seriously, HOW is Veronica making any money off this?

While Veronica parties it up, Archie is getting the sh*t kicked out of him in prison. I’m sure he’ll write a song about this moment later. He wins the fight and the warden gives him a bottle of rum for his troubles, which is v thoughtful of him. If there’s anything I know about high school juniors it’s how much they love their alcohol to taste like suntan lotion.

Archie starts trashing the sh*t out of his room and finds Mad Dog’s old bible? Nudie mag? It’s unclear. But he finds a cut-out for a rock hammer in it, which is a plot device straight out of The Shawshank Redemption. So, what? Now he’s going to escape prison with nothing but a rock hammer? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE.

^^A sneak peek of plagiarism Archie in next week’s episode!

Jughead and Betty get back from the dance and walk in on FP and Alice acting sketchy as hell. Betty’s like “mom what are you doing here?” and Alice is like “certainly not boning your boyfriend’s dad! What are YOU doing here?” Lol nice cover, Alice.

They found the G&G manual during their foreplay investigation and they’re pissed. FP and Alice burn the only copy of the manual and if I know anything about Riverdale, it’s that there’s no way in hell that’s the only copy. Don’t look so upset, Jughead! There’s a murder committed in your town every other day—I’m sure there will be something to investigate tomorrow!

Cut to the next day, and sure enough, the G&G manual is everywhere. Every kid in school found one in their locker and Jughead looks genuinely terrified. He’s acting like it’s Tom Riddle’s diary and not some underground version of D&D.

Ooooh so Ethel is behind the G&G distribution. I thought she was on suicide watch, though? How did she get out of the hospital unnoticed? Maybe she borrowed a catsuit from Veronica and used the back door??

regina george burn book

Next week it looks like the Riverdale writers are using The Breakfast Club as inspiration for a flashback episode featuring all the parents in their high school heyday. And by “inspiration” I mean probably using word for word dialogue from the movie. Can’t wait!

Images: Giphy (6); The CW (2)

Riverdale Recap: Riverdale Is Broken

Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! Well, not so much thrilling as utterly ridiculous and not within the scope of reality, but you get the gist. Last week we realized just how broken the Riverdale justice system is, and lowkey how broken the Riverdale writers’ understanding of the legal system is. When last we left off, Archie was headed to juvie wearing his Sunday best, Jughead discovered a dead Dilton Doiley (yes that is a real name) all carved up in front of a weird altar, and Betty saw her infant niece and nephew FLY INTO THE AIR. So, just another Wednesday in Riverdale I guess. Shall we get started?   

The episode begins with Archie’s first day of prison, which looks suspiciously like a wet t-shirt contest. I’m finding it hard to believe that these guards would power hose JUVENILES like they’re rabid dogs, but okay. This isn’t Shawshank, it’s Riverdale!

^^An episode of Riverdale or soft core porn? You decide. 

We also learn that Betty is alive and well. She only had a casual “stress seizure,” which caused her to pass out and is supposed to explain why she thought Polly’s babies could fly. So I guess they’ll just be normal, run-of-the-mill incest babies with webbed feet, but no flying. Good. Also, can someone with an actual medical degree please confirm that a person can actually have a seizure from being “too stressed?” Because if that’s the case then I’m genuinely concerned for my health.

Betty’s like “I’m fine but what about Juniper and Dagwood??” JUNIPER AND DAGWOOD. I know Polly is supposed to be a farm person now but MY GOD those names are f*cking terrible.

Back in the jailhouse, Archie meets his cellmate for the first time and his name is Mad Dog. Jesus Christ. Is no one called, like, Jimmy anymore? No more Will? What about Dan? COME ON CW, YOU’RE KILLING ME.

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“D” is for DAMN, Archie’s new BFF in juvie is RIPPED. A new #Riverdale premieres on Wednesday!!! ⌛️????????????????????‍♂️

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Lol I love that Archie just flashed his Serpent tat in the yard as if it means sh*t. He’s like “FP Jones and Jughead said I could hang out with you guys? Did you see my tat?” First of all, Archie, your “tat” looks like it was spray painted on at the country fair. I’m surprised that overly aggressive hosing down earlier didn’t wipe it clean off your body.

Elsewhere, it’s date night for Betty and Jughead and they’re getting frisky in the morgue. I wish I was joking. Also, why is this coroner letting two high school kids take pictures of a dead body? Like, what are they using those pictures for? The school newspaper? Foreplay? Both??

Archie is hanging out in the prison music room, because YES THIS PRISON HAS A MUSIC ROOM and, yes, The CW is still trying to make Archie The Tortured Artist happen. He shouldn’t be hanging out there all alone though, because one, he looks like a dipsh*t, and two, he doesn’t have the Serpents’ protection anymore. Shockingly, the Serpents don’t think his tattoo is legit, and want him to shiv–SHIV!–a rival gang member. Archie refuses and I guess is now writing a song about it in the music room.

The Ghoulies find him there and they’re pissed because Archie snitched on them for street racing and now they’re stuck in juvie presumably for life. For street racing. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: Riverdale is a broken city. They’re like “nice shoes, we want your shoes” but, like, are “shoes” a metaphor for something here? Like Archie’s ass? ‘Cause that’s where it feels like this conversation is going…

Cut to Archie meeting Veronica during visitation hours and he is not looking great.

VERONICA: Why are you sitting that way?

LOL. Veronica, please be chill. Your boyfriend probably just had a “shoe” shoved up his ass.

Betty runs into the daughter of the cult leader of Polly’s farm. She says her dad is Edgar Neverever and I honestly can’t believe that is a name The CW is actually trying to pass off as real. Like, is this the best the Riverdale writers can come up with?? When Betty said that name last episode I genuinely thought she was just speaking jibberish to make a point.

Cut to Pop’s, where Veronica wants to start shit with Cheryl because she stole Archie’s school presidency. Honestly, V, he may or may not have had a gang member shove his shoe (or something else idk) up his ass. He has bigger things to deal with other than whether or not he needs another extracurricular activity for his college application.

VERONICA: I’m not serving you. I refuse.

CHERYL: You can’t just refuse to serve someone for being better looking than you.

F*cking SLAY, Cheryl!!!  I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, Cheryl Blossom is a godd*mn national treasure. Bless you.

Lol Riverdale dragging the Innocence Project into their damn trash show. I’m sure that once they’re done working tirelessly to get Steven Avery out of prison they’ll be VERY thankful to The CW for the free publicity.

Veronica keeps talking about how she’s just going to “open a chapter” of the Innocence Project in Riverdale. She’s making it sound like it’s some sort of demented sorority. Will there also be a t-shirt and a social chair at this chapter? Hmm?

VERONICA: *makes vague statement about single-handedly leading a nationally recognized institution in Riverdale* *compares it to putting on a sorority philanthropy event*

ALSO VERONICA:

Veronica buys Archie another pair of sneakers and YOU GUYS the sheer look of panic on his face rn is making my whole damn week. You know he’s like like f*ckkkk where can I hide these sneakers so I don’t get it up the butt again? Good luck, kid!

Archie goes out into the prison yard to show off his new sneakers and beg everyone to play football with him. I paraphrase. He’s like “why do we have to shiv each other all the time? Why can’t we just all get along like we used to?”

ALSO ARCHIE:

Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are off traipsing in the woods again looking for more murder. And HOLY F*CK what is that beast they just ran into in the woods? Are they both abusing Adderall? Is this another stress seizure? What am I looking at rn???

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“G” is for you-know-who… New #Riverdale on Wednesday, with the most shocking ending we’ve ever done, and that includes FP carrying Jughead…????????☠️

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Archie and Mad Dog have a heart-to-heart and we learn that Mad Dog is serving a sh*t ton of time. Like, 20 plus years. I would LOVE to know what he did to deserve 20 years when Archie murdered someone and only got two plus a football game with his pals. RIVERDALE IS BROKEN.

Sooo Dilton did commit suicide? Betty and Jughead think he was playing some sort of demented game and accidentally drank rat poison in the process. What ever happened to truth or dare, kids??

OKAY WHAT. CHEERLEADERS IN PRISON. Am I having a stress seizure? F*cking Dagwood and Parsnip floating in the air is more believable than what I’m watching on my screen rn. Veronica riles up all the River Vixens and has them put on a show for all the prison boys playing in the football game. I’m using the term “show” loosely here because it felt less like an organized performance and more like a soft core porn, the sing-along edition.

Also, should the leader of Riverdale’s Innocence Project be behaving this way? I guess shaking your *ss at prisoners is an innocence project in its own way??

Hiram shows up mid-dance sequence and tells Veronica that he doesn’t want her to grind on other girls in front of prisoners during her spare time. Which, like, fair.

HIRAM: My seventeen-year-old daughter shouldn’t be behaving like this in front of inmates!

VERONICA:

Yes, that’s real mature, sweetie. PLEASE say someone is recording all of this for the Innocence Project.

Veronica basically tells her father LIKE HELL will she leave a musical number before the performance is over. The show must go on, I guess. We all have to stand for something. So Hiram sends in the f*cking riot police to break up the football game. AT A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER? Like, why aren’t any of these cheerleaders whipping out their phones and recording this? This juvenile hall would be shut down like that. Seriously, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

After her little stunt at the prison, Veronica gets blacklisted from visiting. She gets a fake ID and steals one of Betty’s wigs so she can become “Monica Posh” and visit Archie. When I was in high school I used my fake ID to buy wine coolers and get drunk in my parent’s basement, but okay. 

Ooooh this should be interesting. Hermione calls all the parents together for what looks like a v secret meeting. Apparently they also played the creepy game Dilton and Ethel played?? And they’ve been keeping it a secret since high school? I’m just so… confused.

The last five minutes of this show are legit bonkers because Dilton’s friend, Benjamin Button, who survived the sacrifice at the altar, commits suicide in the hospital. I’m sure he will return as an old man aging backward.

And on that note, I’m out betches! In addition to ripping off The Shawshank Redemption, I’m sure The CW will come up with new and exciting ways to rip off Fight Club next episode now that Archie is the warden’s new Mad Dog. Should be lit!

Images: Giphy (6); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)

The Most Bingeworthy TV Shows This Fall

As I sit in my flannel, jeans, and black ankle boots, I can happily confirm that the fall season is upon us. True, it’s still mid-70s and I’m only dressed this way because there was a tick advisory for my workplace today (working in TV is all glamour, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). But I’m sure we can all agree that it feels like fall. In other words, it’s time to curl up in front of your TV and forget the words “crop top” for another nine months. While you probably spent all summer bingeing Office reruns (same), fall is the time for new, highly anticipated TV. In order of when they come out, here are the new and returning TV shows that will dominate your life for the next few months. Please set your DVR accordingly.

‘You’ – September 9, Lifetime

I should qualify at the start of this list that not every show will be what’s traditionally considered “good.” For example, most of the dialogue in this particular show makes me want to throw myself through a window. But like, in the BEST way. This show is about Penn Badgley playing a stalker freak who becomes obsessed with a slightly vapid blond and immediately starts doing psycho sh*t like writing about her on an anonymous website breaking into her apartment and messing with her life. So basically, a dark yet accurate glimpse into Dan’s future. (Extremely self-aware of Penn Badgley to take this role.) This is my new favorite guilty pleasure show, and if you’re a fan of Lifetime at all, I can’t recommend it enough.

The first of many red flags he displays in this show:

‘Maniac’ – September 21, Netflix

Okay so polar opposite of the last show, but also about mental health. Can’t imagine why that’s trendy right now when we have such a stable genius in the White House! Anyway. This whole season dropped on 9/21, and it stars Jonah Hill and Emma Stone. Even in this ~Golden Age~ of television, that’s a pretty high-end cast. I won’t tell you much about the plot beyond the fact that they both have a sh*t-ton of baggage and sign up for a pharmaceutical trial. The plot is less important than the vibe, which so far is like every episode of Black Mirror smushed into one world. This show is good for an all-day binge when you’re up for actually thinking about what you’re watching. Invite over your artiest friend so they force you to pay attention through the first 3 episodes, it’s kind of slow to start up.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ – September 24, ABC

Have I ever watched this show before? No, and I probably won’t again. But who could resist seeing Grocery Store Joe flit across the stage! I give you permission to stop watching as soon as he’s cut.

‘This Is Us’ – September 25, NBC

You all know what this one is for. This is the show you come to when you need a really good cry, or when you want to ignore all your problems and pretend Mandy Moore is your mom for a while. Also, to get your weekly Sterling K. Brown fix, which is right up there in terms of importance with drinking water and getting enough sleep. It’s just a fact of life. This season, we’re going back to Jack and Rebecca’s first date—and Randall’s daughter, Tess, all grown up. Few things are as pure as my love for this show.

Anyone else need to watch this on repeat to cleanse from this week’s news cycle?

‘Modern Family’ – September 26, ABC

Did we all kind of get over Modern Family five years ago when it won every award? Yeah, maybe. But this is likely the final season, and they’ve been teasing a “significant death,” so I’m planning on riding out the show until the end. It’s the least you can do for something that gave you a few good years, like when you loyally wear your favorite black leggings until they’re completely sheer in the crotch. Watch out of loyalty, watch because Phil is still funny AF, or watch because you’re hungover and it comes on next on Hulu. Up to you.

‘The Good Place’ – September 27, NBC

Very few shows like The Good Place have come around in the past few years, and I’m deeply grateful when they do. It’s from the creator of Parks & Rec, and has the same soothing effect of all your fave 25-minute comedies. Kristen Bell has spent the first two seasons figuring out that she’s in (SPOILERS) Hell, aka the Bad Place. Season 3 opens up with her and her 3 companions having been redeposited on Earth to give things another try. Will they f*ck it up in a largely similar way to the first time? Probably, their memories were erased so IDK why they wouldn’t. But it’ll be fun to watch them try to fight their baser instincts for a while.

‘How To Get Away With Murder’ – September 27, ABC

This is another show that’s sadly nowhere near as good as it used to be. But at its best it was so iconic that I still can’t look away. No matter how ridiculous the rest of it gets, Annalise is still the epitome of boss b*tch goals, and Laurel still has an annoyingly good lingerie collection for someone with such a terrible personality.

‘Riverdale’ – October 10, CW

Of course the show I’m most excited for doesn’t come back until October 10th. OF COURSE. Season 3 of Riverdale is about to be f*cking lit. We’re dealing with the aftermath of Archie’s arrest, an all-out war with Hiram, more screen time for Cheryl and Toni, and some weird cult stuff with Betty’s sister. The promo shows Archie shirtless, more milkshakes at Pop’s, and what appears to be a ritual sacrifice of two babies. Exactly what you’d expect and get more than you dared hope, in classic Riverdale fashion. And obviously we’ll be recapping it.

Me all season:

The best part of these fall shows? Since they’re all newly released, you’re basically engaging in a cultural activity with every binge. Some people go to museums; you binge artful new storytelling techniques. Or at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself as you order Seamless the sixth time that week. Happy watching!

Images: The CW; Giphy (4)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: A PG-13 Grope Fest

Not gonna lie, it’s been one giant shit show of a week for me, and literally, the only thing keeping me going rn is the hope that Cheryl might get more than three minutes of screen time on tonight’s episode of Riverdale. I’m realizing now that maybe I should dream bigger. CW, you’ve been warned. Anyway, shall we get started?

Well, fam, I did not think that 20 seconds into this recap I’d go into a full-on rage blackout, but here we are, because WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I LOOKING AT RN? DID JUGHEAD AND TONI FUCKING SLEEP TOGETHER??? Did they?? Toni, you little serpent slut. Seriously wishing a fate worse than those hair extensions upon her.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 6

Meanwhile Betty—poor, innocent, still-has-her-hymen Betty—goes to check on Chuck Bass Nick St. Clair and he’s… absolutely fine. Did she or did she not say, “Fry him,” to The Black Hood last episode? I’m v confused. What kind of mind games is The Hood playing here?? I was fully prepared to see some fuckboy carnage tonight, and you’re telling me that now the mass murderer isn’t pulling through? Men, you can’t trust them.

The Hood says Nick doesn’t count as an actual sacrifice because he’s not technically from Riverdale, and I’m really starting to think The Hood might actually be my ex-boyfriend, because he was also into technicalities. Like technically, it’s not cheating if we were on a break my back was turned for 2.5 seconds.

Mrs. Blossom sabotages Cheryl’s attempted rape complaint, and it’s the most fucked up thing I’ve seen on this show since two sets of parents didn’t tell their children that they were related to the person they were sleeping with. Mrs. B must still be salty about Cheryl setting their entire house on fire.

VERONICA: How are you doing?

CHERYL: I’m fine.

ALSO CHERYL:

Wednesday Addams

God, anytime Toni’s face comes on the screen it just reminds me that I’m not allowed to have nice things in this world. Like an unhealthy obsession with two fictional characters and their relationship Bughead. Toni says her romantic night with Jughead was actually more of a “PG-13 grope fest,” which sounds a little like the game of “just the tip,” but ya know, to each their own.

Betty is such a fucking narc. I can’t believe she got parents involved after that wild party. Aside from the Jingle Jangle, the only thing criminal happening there was Archie and his dance moves. I don’t blame Veronica for playing the “did you hear something, Archie? Because all I hear is a SKANK” card every time Betty spoke.

Pitch Perfect

Okay WHAT is Jingle Jangle?? It’s still unclear. Is it ecstasy? Heroin? Why does it stay in your system for three to four days after consumption other than for convenient plot purposes for the Riverdale writers? These are the questions I have.

Archie warns Jughead about Mayor McCoy raiding South Side High. He keeps telling Jughead he needs to GTFO before the cops come and it’s like, does Archie know this is not how raids work? Like, Jughead can’t just go to jail for having shitty taste in hats.

Betty gets another call from The Hood, and he wants her to track down a drug dealer called “The Sugar Man” who is known for taking kids to his candy shop and letting them lick the lollipop. I paraphrase.

THE HOOD: If you want me to stop calling, all you have to do is track down a drug lord that Riverdale PD hasn’t been able to catch for 20+ years.

BETTY: I’m literally a high school sophomore who runs the school newspaper. That’s it.

Okay, Cheryl looks like an actual queen in that one piece, despite the fact that there’s no way that getup can be seasonally appropriate. Betty spends all of two seconds pretending to give a shit about Cheryl’s almost sexual assault before she’s like, “Ever heard of The Sugar Man??” For God’s sake Betty, have some fucking tact.

Oh, OF COURSE The Sugar Man is a scary bedtime story Cheryl’s parents told her. These are the same people who have a weird redhead fetish and encouraged a twincest-esque relationship between their kids. It’s all starting to make sense now.

So I guess The Serpents are really are as dumb as those cut-off jean vests alluded to. Good to know. They decide to team up with their rival gang, The Ghoulies, even though they’re pushing Jingle Jangle to all the kids.

JUGHEAD: He’s a pusher! He pushes people!

Meanwhile, Cheryl discovers The Sugar Man in the creepiest child’s drawing I’ve ever seen. Though I’m not at all surprised this drawing is an artifact from her childhood. Her parents are right up there with the DiLaurentis’ as far as creep levels go.

Betty finally does something smart and tells Veronica about her booty call The Black Hood and his insane demands. Veronica gives advice that would be more appropriate if Betty was actually talking about her psycho ex. Typical. Veronica is like, “He only calls you late at night and he doesn’t respond to your texts for days? Girl I’ve been there,” and it’s like, Veronica, you do realize we’re talking about a mass murderer here right?

YASSSS. DADDY IS HOME. It’s been far too long since I’ve seen any signs of my favorite DILF FP Jones, and I could not be more pleased.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 6

Is FP’s advice to solve a GANG WAR AND POTENTIAL DRUG EPIDEMIC really to challenge The Ghoulies to an illegal street race? Really?? I know this worked when the T-Birds faced off against The Scorpions, but I have a feeling that was more of an anomaly than an actual rule of thumb when it comes to finding solutions for these type of situations. All I know is that if The Pussycats don’t do a rendition of “Greased Lightning,” then this is a missed opportunity on The CW’s part, tbh.

Grease

Lol at Jughead trying to intimidate this man in a bathrobe with Archie as his backup. Also, Archie, you haven’t played football since the pilot; I think you can retire your letterman jacket at least at the gang meetings.

And of course, the drug dealers find Betty and Veronica sneaking around the premises. Did these thugs just refer to Betty and Veronica as Jughead and Archie’s “bitches?” I’m starting to think the writers of Riverdale are getting their dialogue from early 00’s hip-hop.

Elsewhere, Cheryl spots Nick and his paisley tie at Pop’s, and I sincerely hope she treats him with the same respect she treated all of her earthly belongings at the end of season one. That’s literally all I ask for.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 6

Wow, Mrs. Blossom is an actual bitch for paying off her daughter’s would-be rapist. Like, I know she burned down your home of 20 years and threatened you when you were in the burn unit, but that’s no excuse.

Is this the first time Betty is seeing Jughead since the breakup? I wouldn’t have picked those butchy looking overalls for the occasion, but okay. Also, lol that she’s suddenly a mechanic who knows how to rebuild an engine.

Veronica finally tells her parents about the whole Nick thing, and I have mixed feelings about it. Like, this boy is definitely going to end up dead now, right? But also, he’s a would-be rapist, so I’m also here for it? Man, Riverdale is really forcing me to ask the hard questions in life, huh?

The drag race starts, and it is extra. I didn’t realize that the secret to good gang relations was reenacting classic musicals, but you learn something new every day.

KEVIN: Not the type of drag race I thought I’d go to, but the guys here are much hotter.

Kevin is me. I am Kevin.

Betty is acting like a manipulative bitch, telling Jughead she still loves him before he’s about to illegally drag race for the fate of Riverdale. I’m sure that won’t distract him at all. I’ve never been prouder of her.

Quote of The Episode: “Not today, Cha Cha. I was born for this moment.”

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 6

^^^This moment was brought to you by me and my continued threats to The CW to properly utilize Cheryl Blossom’s character. I’ll be accepting praise in the comments section, thx.

Jesus Christ, Archie, you had one fucking job. To sit there and look pretty be Jughead’s number two and follow his lead, and you couldn’t even do that right.

The Ghoulies get arrested for street racing, and it’s all Archie’s fault. Surprise, surprise. Jughead is pissed, and honestly, it’s his own fault for trusting that dumb, beautiful face with the important job of doing absolutely nothing.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 6

Cheryl finally shakes down her mother enough to figure out who the Sugar Man is, and if the town of Riverdale is anything like the real world, then he will most certainly be a white man in power. Looking at you, Sheriff Keller.

Wait, I am LIVING for this version of Betty talking to The Black Hood rn. She’s like, “Do you feel me now? I’m breathing down your neck, bitch, and you’re next.”

BETTY: 

Riverdale

ME:

Broad City

The Sugar Man is South Side High’s English teacher?? That actually makes a lot of sense, if only because teachers are poor and need a side hustle.

Okay, Fred is going to have a pill addiction this season, I’m calling it now. I can’t wait for Archie to use this as an excuse to build a shirtless militia against doctors and prescription drugs. Should be lit.

The Lodges arrange for the St. Clairs to get into a car accident, and Veronica is just like, “Oh well.” If this is the start of Dark Veronica, then I am here for it.

Wait, are Betty and Jughead back together? Did The CW just cheat me out of an emotional reunion and a possible dry humping session on Jughead’s kitchen counter? DID THEY? Once again, I’m livid.