This week I’m just going to jump right into the Riverdale recap, because there’s only so many jokes I can make about the writers of this godforsaken show (but let’s just say they continue to test my f*cking sanity with every new plot device they introduce). Shall we begin?
The episode opens with the warden checking in on Archie, who is apparently in the hole. For those of you who
never watched Orange Is The New Black aren’t familiar with prison jargon, that means he’s in solitary confinement, which I didn’t realize juvenile detention centers even had. They keep making Archie out to be some kind of Andy Dufresne, even though he literally asked to be in prison.
I guess Archie refused to be the warden’s new cage fighter and that’s how he ended up in the cell with no food, water, or sunlight. Like, this can’t be f*cking legal. This is a JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER, not a maximum security prison! Archie is a straight, white, relatively attractive male. If anyone should be eluding the justice system, it’s him! I’m not buying it, CW. Nope.
WHAT. FP AND ALICE ARE IN BED TOGETHER AND WHAT AM I LOOKING AT OMG. Goddamnit, CW, is this real or nah? And if this is real how DARE you deny us the lead up to this post-sex lounging taking place on our screens. You’re just gonna tease these two banging for TWO SEASONS and you’re not even gonna to let us watch it happen? THAT’S IT,
I’m done you have my full attention.
Elsewhere, their children also just got done having sex! What a coincidence that isn’t all tainted by incest now.
BETTY: Do you think it’s kind of ghoulish that we banged in Dilton’s bunker?
Lol. Betty please stop acting like screwing in your dead friend’s bed doesn’t turn you on. Come on.
They think this whole Gryphons and Gargoyles thing is some sort of cult and it’s the smartest thing they’ve said all season. I’m not sure what gave it away. The unhinged following, the strange altar they worship at, or the all the murder/suicide to even get into the club. I guess that’s just good detective work, kids!
Betty goes so far as to say that perhaps the farm is also part of the cult. Again, any “farm” that takes in a runaway teen mom and her infant children who were conceived out of incest with open arms is most definitely a cult.
Betty’s like, “I don’t trust the Evernevers” and it’s like, well I don’t trust that people would willingly subscribe to a cult headed by a man named Evernever. It looks like we all have a lot of trust issues here.
Meanwhile, Veronica contemplates opening her secret speakeasy without Archie. A. Secret. Speakeasy. You and every hipster in the greater NYC area, V! Tbh I don’t know what’s more unbelievable here. That a 17-year-old is opening up her own night club or that she wants to wait until her boyfriend gets out of prison to do it.
Okay, wait. Did I just hear Veronica right? It’s a speakeasy that will only sell mocktails?
That is the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard on this show, and they’ve tried to make incest an acceptable thing, like, multiple times.
Speaking of Veronica’s bf, Archie gets dragged out of his cell in the middle of the night to go watch one of the cage fights. The warden has Joaquin fighting in Archie’s place, and IDK why this is eating Archie up so much. Joaquin literally wanted him to SHIV someone, like, two episodes ago. Prison changed him. He can def handle himself in a cage fight. Archie’s like “don’t make me watch anymore, I’ll fight for you!” Further proving that Archie will literally fall for every trick in the book.
ME: YOU’RE A BOOB
children’s birthday party favors Jingle Jangle in Veronica’s speakeasy and she is PISSED. She wants her bar to be completely dry and why is everyone hell-bent on ruining her good time?? Of course this happens right as the sheriff shows up to do an inspection. Reggie’s like, “do you think your dad is behind this” and it’s like NO SH*T he’s behind it, buddy. I already don’t like how much time they’re spending together. I have a feeling Reggie is about to be the Asian replacement Archie while the real one is in Shawshank doing time.
She goes looking for Jughead to see if he’ll help her blackmail her dad so she doesn’t have to pay off his hired thugs, but finds Cheryl instead. Cheryl literally set her childhood home on fire out of spite, so I feel like blackmail is child’s play to her.
Okay WHAT. These girls throw on their best black spanx and f*cking break into The Ghoulies’ meth lab. Excuse me, Jingle Jangle lab. They make it seem like breaking into a drug den is easier than sneaking out after curfew. Just because you own a black cat suit and know how to use a back door does not mean you’re super stealthy! It just means
this show is trash you’re lucky AF.
Lol. Betty comes home and finds a bunch a farmies in her living room. She has to confess all her sins if she wants to meet Edgar Neverever. They’re like “it’s cool, Betty, we know all about the dark connection you have with your serial killer father and also the web cams!”
BETTY: I’m feeling so personally attacked rn
Okay, I seriously can’t believe Alice aired all their dirty laundry out like that! She told them about every illegal thing that family has ever done and, like, that list is long. Also, can you imagine what this cult probably thinks of them?
THE FARM: We’re going to need some sort of collateral from you if you want to join our cult family. You know, something secret or seriously damaging?
ALICE: Well we murdered someone accidentally and got rid of the body… does that count?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was an overshare, Alice. I’m thinking they wanted something more like nudes, but okay.
Okay, this G&G game is sooooo creepy. Jughead shows up to Ethel’s lair and she’s got candles burning, she’s wearing a headdress and demanding kisses from the players. Something tells me that last one was a rule she made up, but OKAY ETHEL.
She’s like “if you want to play the game then you need to drink out of one of these two chalices and one of them might be poisoned. Good luck!” AND JUGHEAD DOES IT. So, let me get this straight, kids. You frown upon underage drinking but playing Russian Roulette with your lives is chill?? Jughead drinks from the right cup and doesn’t die. Small mercies. But then Ethel starts downing the other one even though she knows it’s poison! That b*tch is crazy.
Cut to Veronica’s opening night and I’m impressed. It looks poppin’ AND there’s even a valet, which feels extra because I can’t imagine Pop’s parking lot is that big, but okay.
Okay, every time I think this bar looks really cool and all I remember that everyone there is sober. Hiram shows up and the vibe gets even creepier. There’s just a bunch of sober, scantily-clad 17-year-olds… and Hiram. Gross.
Veronica’s like “see, daddy? This is how you run a legitimate business.” Yes, Veronica, I’m sure your daddy is very impressed that you found enough friends to come to your open mic night. Like, all you’ve proven here is that you’re popular. Very popular.
Okay, so is Josie the only talent for the entire evening? Minus the weird shadow dancers in the background? Sooo it’s, like, a school dance? Except no one’s even allowed to spike the punch? Seriously, HOW is Veronica making any money off this?
While Veronica parties it up, Archie is getting the sh*t kicked out of him in prison. I’m sure he’ll write a song about this moment later. He wins the fight and the warden gives him a bottle of rum for his troubles, which is v thoughtful of him. If there’s anything I know about high school juniors it’s how much they love their alcohol to taste like suntan lotion.
Archie starts trashing the sh*t out of his room and finds Mad Dog’s old bible? Nudie mag? It’s unclear. But he finds a cut-out for a rock hammer in it, which is a plot device straight out of The Shawshank Redemption. So, what? Now he’s going to escape prison with nothing but a rock hammer? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE.
^^A sneak peek of
plagiarism Archie in next week’s episode!
Jughead and Betty get back from the dance and walk in on FP and Alice acting sketchy as hell. Betty’s like “mom what are you doing here?” and Alice is like “certainly not boning your boyfriend’s dad! What are YOU doing here?” Lol nice cover, Alice.
They found the G&G manual during their
foreplay investigation and they’re pissed. FP and Alice burn the only copy of the manual and if I know anything about Riverdale, it’s that there’s no way in hell that’s the only copy. Don’t look so upset, Jughead! There’s a murder committed in your town every other day—I’m sure there will be something to investigate tomorrow!
Cut to the next day, and sure enough, the G&G manual is everywhere. Every kid in school found one in their locker and Jughead looks genuinely terrified. He’s acting like it’s Tom Riddle’s diary and not some underground version of D&D.
Ooooh so Ethel is behind the G&G distribution. I thought she was on suicide watch, though? How did she get out of the hospital unnoticed? Maybe she borrowed a catsuit from Veronica and used the back door??
Next week it looks like the Riverdale writers are using The Breakfast Club as inspiration for a flashback episode featuring all the parents in their high school heyday. And by “inspiration” I mean probably using word for word dialogue from the movie. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (6); The CW (2)
Welcome back, people, to another thrilling episode of Riverdale! Well, not so much thrilling as utterly ridiculous and not within the scope of reality, but you get the gist. Last week we realized just how broken the Riverdale justice system is, and lowkey how broken the Riverdale writers’ understanding of the legal system is. When last we left off, Archie was headed to juvie wearing his Sunday best, Jughead discovered a dead Dilton Doiley (yes that is a real name) all carved up in front of a weird altar, and Betty saw her infant niece and nephew FLY INTO THE AIR. So, just another Wednesday in Riverdale I guess. Shall we get started?
The episode begins with Archie’s first day of prison, which looks suspiciously like a wet t-shirt contest. I’m finding it hard to believe that these guards would power hose JUVENILES like they’re rabid dogs, but okay. This isn’t Shawshank, it’s Riverdale!
^^An episode of Riverdale or soft core porn? You decide.
We also learn that Betty is alive and well. She only had a casual “stress seizure,” which caused her to pass out and is supposed to explain why she thought Polly’s babies could fly. So I guess they’ll just be normal, run-of-the-mill incest babies with webbed feet, but no flying. Good. Also, can someone with an actual medical degree please confirm that a person can actually have a seizure from being “too stressed?” Because if that’s the case then I’m genuinely concerned for my health.
Betty’s like “I’m fine but what about Juniper and Dagwood??” JUNIPER AND DAGWOOD. I know Polly is supposed to be a farm person now but MY GOD those names are f*cking terrible.
Back in the jailhouse, Archie meets his cellmate for the first time and his name is Mad Dog. Jesus Christ. Is no one called, like, Jimmy anymore? No more Will? What about Dan? COME ON CW, YOU’RE KILLING ME.
Lol I love that Archie just flashed his Serpent tat in the yard as if it means sh*t. He’s like “FP Jones and Jughead said I could hang out with you guys? Did you see my tat?” First of all, Archie, your “tat” looks like it was spray painted on at the country fair. I’m surprised that overly aggressive hosing down earlier didn’t wipe it clean off your body.
Elsewhere, it’s date night for Betty and Jughead and they’re getting frisky in the morgue. I wish I was joking. Also, why is this coroner letting two high school kids take pictures of a dead body? Like, what are they using those pictures for? The school newspaper? Foreplay? Both??
Archie is hanging out in the prison music room, because YES THIS PRISON HAS A MUSIC ROOM and, yes, The CW is still trying to make Archie The Tortured Artist happen. He shouldn’t be hanging out there all alone though, because one, he looks like a dipsh*t, and two, he doesn’t have the Serpents’ protection anymore. Shockingly, the Serpents don’t think his tattoo is legit, and want him to shiv–SHIV!–a rival gang member. Archie refuses and I guess is now writing a song about it in the music room.
The Ghoulies find him there and they’re pissed because Archie snitched on them for street racing and now they’re stuck in juvie presumably for life. For street racing. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: Riverdale is a broken city. They’re like “nice shoes, we want your shoes” but, like, are “shoes” a metaphor for something here? Like Archie’s ass? ‘Cause that’s where it feels like this conversation is going…
Cut to Archie meeting Veronica during visitation hours and he is not looking great.
VERONICA: Why are you sitting that way?
LOL. Veronica, please be chill. Your boyfriend probably just had a “shoe” shoved up his ass.
Betty runs into the daughter of the
cult leader of Polly’s farm. She says her dad is Edgar Neverever and I honestly can’t believe that is a name The CW is actually trying to pass off as real. Like, is this the best the Riverdale writers can come up with?? When Betty said that name last episode I genuinely thought she was just speaking jibberish to make a point.
Cut to Pop’s, where Veronica wants to start shit with Cheryl because she stole Archie’s school presidency. Honestly, V, he may or may not have had a gang member shove his shoe (or something else idk) up his ass. He has bigger things to deal with other than whether or not he needs another extracurricular activity for his college application.
VERONICA: I’m not serving you. I refuse.
CHERYL: You can’t just refuse to serve someone for being better looking than you.
F*cking SLAY, Cheryl!!! I’ve said it once I’ll say it again, Cheryl Blossom is a godd*mn national treasure. Bless you.
Lol Riverdale dragging the Innocence Project into their damn trash show. I’m sure that once they’re done working tirelessly to get Steven Avery out of prison they’ll be VERY thankful to The CW for the free publicity.
Veronica keeps talking about how she’s just going to “open a chapter” of the Innocence Project in Riverdale. She’s making it sound like it’s some sort of demented sorority. Will there also be a t-shirt and a social chair at this chapter? Hmm?
VERONICA: *makes vague statement about single-handedly leading a nationally recognized institution in Riverdale* *compares it to putting on a sorority philanthropy event*
Veronica buys Archie another pair of sneakers and YOU GUYS the sheer look of panic on his face rn is making my whole damn week. You know he’s like like f*ckkkk where can I hide these sneakers so I don’t get it up the butt again? Good luck, kid!
Archie goes out into the prison yard to show off his new sneakers and beg everyone to play football with him. I paraphrase. He’s like “why do we have to shiv each other all the time? Why can’t we just all get along like we used to?”
Meanwhile, Jughead and Betty are off traipsing in the woods again looking for more murder. And HOLY F*CK what is that beast they just ran into in the woods? Are they both abusing Adderall? Is this another stress seizure? What am I looking at rn???
Archie and Mad Dog have a heart-to-heart and we learn that Mad Dog is serving a sh*t ton of time. Like, 20 plus years. I would LOVE to know what he did to deserve 20 years when Archie murdered someone and only got two plus a football game with his pals. RIVERDALE IS BROKEN.
Sooo Dilton did commit suicide? Betty and Jughead think he was playing some sort of demented game and accidentally drank rat poison in the process. What ever happened to truth or dare, kids??
OKAY WHAT. CHEERLEADERS IN PRISON. Am I having a stress seizure? F*cking Dagwood and Parsnip floating in the air is more believable than what I’m watching on my screen rn. Veronica riles up all the River Vixens and has them put on a show for all the prison boys playing in the football game. I’m using the term “show” loosely here because it felt less like an organized performance and more like a soft core porn, the sing-along edition.
Also, should the leader of Riverdale’s Innocence Project be behaving this way? I guess shaking your *ss at prisoners is an innocence project in its own way??
Hiram shows up mid-dance sequence and tells Veronica that he doesn’t want her to grind on other girls in front of prisoners during her spare time. Which, like, fair.
HIRAM: My seventeen-year-old daughter shouldn’t be behaving like this in front of inmates!
Yes, that’s real mature, sweetie. PLEASE say someone is recording all of this for the Innocence Project.
Veronica basically tells her father LIKE HELL will she leave a musical number before the performance is over. The show must go on, I guess. We all have to stand for something. So Hiram sends in the f*cking riot police to break up the football game. AT A JUVENILE DETENTION CENTER? Like, why aren’t any of these cheerleaders whipping out their phones and recording this? This juvenile hall would be shut down like that. Seriously, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
After her little stunt at the prison, Veronica gets blacklisted from visiting. She gets a fake ID and steals one of Betty’s wigs so she can become “Monica Posh” and visit Archie. When I was in high school I used my fake ID to buy wine coolers and get drunk in my parent’s basement, but okay.
Ooooh this should be interesting. Hermione calls all the parents together for what looks like a v secret meeting. Apparently they also played the creepy game Dilton and Ethel played?? And they’ve been keeping it a secret since high school? I’m just so… confused.
The last five minutes of this show are legit bonkers because Dilton’s friend, Benjamin Button, who survived the sacrifice at the altar, commits suicide in the hospital. I’m sure he will return as an old man aging backward.
And on that note, I’m out betches! In addition to ripping off The Shawshank Redemption, I’m sure The CW will come up with new and exciting ways to rip off Fight Club next episode now that Archie is the warden’s new Mad Dog. Should be lit!
Images: Giphy (6); @writerras /Instagram (2); The CW (1)
Not gonna lie, it’s been one giant shit show of a week for me, and literally, the only thing keeping me going rn is the hope that Cheryl might get more than three minutes of screen time on tonight’s episode of Riverdale. I’m realizing now that maybe I should dream bigger. CW, you’ve been warned. Anyway, shall we get started?
Well, fam, I did not think that 20 seconds into this recap I’d go into a full-on rage blackout, but here we are, because WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I LOOKING AT RN? DID JUGHEAD AND TONI FUCKING SLEEP TOGETHER??? Did they?? Toni, you little serpent slut. Seriously wishing a fate worse than those hair extensions upon her.
Meanwhile Betty—poor, innocent, still-has-her-hymen Betty—goes to check on
Chuck Bass Nick St. Clair and he’s… absolutely fine. Did she or did she not say, “Fry him,” to The Black Hood last episode? I’m v confused. What kind of mind games is The Hood playing here?? I was fully prepared to see some fuckboy carnage tonight, and you’re telling me that now the mass murderer isn’t pulling through? Men, you can’t trust them.
The Hood says Nick doesn’t count as an actual sacrifice because he’s not technically from Riverdale, and I’m really starting to think The Hood might actually be my ex-boyfriend, because he was also into technicalities. Like technically, it’s not cheating if
we were on a break my back was turned for 2.5 seconds.
Mrs. Blossom sabotages Cheryl’s attempted rape complaint, and it’s the most fucked up thing I’ve seen on this show since two sets of parents didn’t tell their children that they were related to the person they were sleeping with. Mrs. B must still be salty about Cheryl setting their entire house on fire.
VERONICA: How are you doing?
CHERYL: I’m fine.
God, anytime Toni’s face comes on the screen it just reminds me that I’m not allowed to have nice things in this world. Like an unhealthy obsession
with two fictional characters and their relationship Bughead. Toni says her romantic night with Jughead was actually more of a “PG-13 grope fest,” which sounds a little like the game of “just the tip,” but ya know, to each their own.
Betty is such a fucking narc. I can’t believe she got parents involved after that wild party. Aside from the Jingle Jangle, the only thing criminal happening there was Archie and his dance moves. I don’t blame Veronica for playing the “did you hear something, Archie? Because all I hear is a SKANK” card every time Betty spoke.
Okay WHAT is Jingle Jangle?? It’s still unclear. Is it ecstasy? Heroin? Why does it stay in your system for three to four days after consumption other than for convenient plot purposes for the Riverdale writers? These are the questions I have.
Archie warns Jughead about Mayor McCoy raiding South Side High. He keeps telling Jughead he needs to GTFO before the cops come and it’s like, does Archie know this is not how raids work? Like, Jughead can’t just go to jail for having shitty taste in hats.
Betty gets another call from The Hood, and he wants her to track down a drug dealer called “The Sugar Man” who is known for taking kids to his candy shop and letting them lick the lollipop. I paraphrase.
THE HOOD: If you want me to stop calling, all you have to do is track down a drug lord that Riverdale PD hasn’t been able to catch for 20+ years.
BETTY: I’m literally a high school sophomore who runs the school newspaper. That’s it.
Okay, Cheryl looks like an actual queen in that one piece, despite the fact that there’s no way that getup can be seasonally appropriate. Betty spends all of two seconds pretending to give a shit about Cheryl’s almost sexual assault before she’s like, “Ever heard of The Sugar Man??” For God’s sake Betty, have some fucking tact.
Oh, OF COURSE The Sugar Man is a scary bedtime story Cheryl’s parents told her. These are the same people who have a weird redhead fetish and encouraged a twincest-esque relationship between their kids. It’s all starting to make sense now.
So I guess The Serpents are really are as dumb as those cut-off jean vests alluded to. Good to know. They decide to team up with their rival gang, The Ghoulies, even though they’re pushing Jingle Jangle to all the kids.
JUGHEAD: He’s a pusher! He pushes people!
Meanwhile, Cheryl discovers The Sugar Man in the creepiest child’s drawing I’ve ever seen. Though I’m not at all surprised this drawing is an artifact from her childhood. Her parents are right up there with the DiLaurentis’ as far as creep levels go.
Betty finally does something smart and tells Veronica about
her booty call The Black Hood and his insane demands. Veronica gives advice that would be more appropriate if Betty was actually talking about her psycho ex. Typical. Veronica is like, “He only calls you late at night and he doesn’t respond to your texts for days? Girl I’ve been there,” and it’s like, Veronica, you do realize we’re talking about a mass murderer here right?
YASSSS. DADDY IS HOME. It’s been far too long since I’ve seen any signs of
my favorite DILF FP Jones, and I could not be more pleased.
Is FP’s advice to solve a GANG WAR AND POTENTIAL DRUG EPIDEMIC really to challenge The Ghoulies to an illegal street race? Really?? I know this worked when the T-Birds faced off against The Scorpions, but I have a feeling that was more of an anomaly than an actual rule of thumb when it comes to finding solutions for these type of situations. All I know is that if The Pussycats don’t do a rendition of “Greased Lightning,” then this is a missed opportunity on The CW’s part, tbh.
Lol at Jughead trying to intimidate this man in a bathrobe with Archie as his backup. Also, Archie, you haven’t played football since the pilot; I think you can retire your letterman jacket at least at the gang meetings.
And of course, the drug dealers find Betty and Veronica sneaking around the premises. Did these thugs just refer to Betty and Veronica as Jughead and Archie’s “bitches?” I’m starting to think the writers of Riverdale are getting their dialogue from early 00’s hip-hop.
Elsewhere, Cheryl spots Nick and his paisley tie at Pop’s, and I sincerely hope she treats him with the same respect she treated all of her earthly belongings at the end of season one. That’s literally all I ask for.
Wow, Mrs. Blossom is an actual bitch for paying off her daughter’s would-be rapist. Like, I know she burned down your home of 20 years and threatened you when you were in the burn unit, but that’s no excuse.
Is this the first time Betty is seeing Jughead since the breakup? I wouldn’t have picked those butchy looking overalls for the occasion, but okay. Also, lol that she’s suddenly a mechanic who knows how to rebuild an engine.
Veronica finally tells her parents about the whole Nick thing, and I have mixed feelings about it. Like, this boy is definitely going to end up dead now, right? But also, he’s a would-be rapist, so I’m also here for it? Man, Riverdale is really forcing me to ask the hard questions in life, huh?
The drag race starts, and it is extra. I didn’t realize that the secret to good gang relations was reenacting classic musicals, but you learn something new every day.
KEVIN: Not the type of drag race I thought I’d go to, but the guys here are much hotter.
Kevin is me. I am Kevin.
Betty is acting like a manipulative bitch, telling Jughead she still loves him before he’s about to illegally drag race for the fate of Riverdale. I’m sure that won’t distract him at all. I’ve never been prouder of her.
Quote of The Episode: “Not today, Cha Cha. I was born for this moment.”
^^^This moment was brought to you by me and my continued threats to The CW to properly utilize Cheryl Blossom’s character. I’ll be accepting praise in the comments section, thx.
Jesus Christ, Archie, you had one fucking job. To
sit there and look pretty be Jughead’s number two and follow his lead, and you couldn’t even do that right.
The Ghoulies get arrested for street racing, and it’s all Archie’s fault. Surprise, surprise. Jughead is pissed, and honestly, it’s his own fault for trusting that dumb, beautiful face with the important job of doing absolutely nothing.
Cheryl finally shakes down her mother enough to figure out who the Sugar Man is, and if the town of Riverdale is anything like the real world, then he will most certainly be a white man in power. Looking at you, Sheriff Keller.
Wait, I am LIVING for this version of Betty talking to The Black Hood rn. She’s like, “Do you feel me now? I’m breathing down your neck, bitch, and you’re next.”
The Sugar Man is South Side High’s English teacher?? That actually makes a lot of sense, if only because teachers are poor and need a side hustle.
Okay, Fred is going to have a pill addiction this season, I’m calling it now. I can’t wait for Archie to use this as an excuse to build a shirtless militia against doctors and prescription drugs. Should be lit.
The Lodges arrange for the St. Clairs to get into a car accident, and Veronica is just like, “Oh well.” If this is the start of Dark Veronica, then I am here for it.
Wait, are Betty and Jughead back together? Did The CW just cheat me out of an emotional reunion and a possible dry humping session on Jughead’s kitchen counter? DID THEY? Once again, I’m livid.
Well, we did it fam. We made it to season two of Riverdale, and I’ve only been counting down the minutes since last April. Nbd. On a completely unrelated note, I’ve also spent that much time trying to live stream The CW without having to forfeit my entire paycheck for a cable subscription. Spoiler alert: I still don’t have cable, but I did willingly download viruses to my computer in the name of watching this shit live (in a v illegal manner I might add) so you betches can get your recap relatively on time. You’re welcome. Anyways, back to the recap. If you’ll recall, last season was fucking insane: Mr. Blossom murdered Jason, resident DILF FP Jones is in prison, Cheryl burned her literal life to the ground, and there was a shooting at Pop’s Diner where not one, but TWO
adult snacks main characters were present. I’m still high off fumes from Cheryl setting everything she loves aflame, so I’m really fucking ready for this season to start. Let’s get started, shall we?
The episode starts right where we left off last season: with the diner shooting. The whole scene is v chaotic. Archie
is in a state of utter panic looks like me after a night of binge drinking, waking up to realize I texted, “miss you,” to some random dude I met on Bumble. Then we’ve got Jughead over here, narrating the whole thing and being the cunt-iest backseat driver I’ve ever seen in my whole damn life.
JUGHEAD: Archie was careening down the streets of Riverdale! And he doesn’t even have a license!!!
The amount of shade Jughead manages to throw at Archie while he drives his dying father to the hospital is honestly inspiring.
Elsewhere, the Coopers are about to sit down to a nice pancake breakfast, when Betty decides to tell her mom all about how she dry-humped Jughead last night on his kitchen counter. She’s being way too fucking honest about her sex life rn, and it’s concerning.
MRS. COOPER: How was your night, sweetie?
BETTY: Well I almost lost my virginity in Jughead’s trailer, but then the Southside Serpents interrupted us by offering my boyfriend a spot in their gang. Can you pass the syrup?
MRS. COOPER: *Sighs* Well at least he’s not related to you.
Gotta love this town.
The gang gathers to meet Archie at the hospital. Veronica apparently drank an entire bottle of Cristal before visiting her boyfriend’s dad in the hospital, which feels more appropriate than Betty’s morning, tbh. Also, respect for being 16 and drinking better champagne than I have tasted in my entire adult life.
Okay, Archie is acting sketchy AF about the shooting. Like, he’s hiding something, or he’s trying very hard to act. It’s really 50/50 at this point.
Lol, I love how Veronica is trying to win the Best Girlfriend of the Year award while sloshed. *slow claps* Never change, Veronica, never change.
They convince Archie to go home and change his clothes, because he’s freaking everyone out with his bloody shirt and yet suspiciously clean varsity letterman jacket. Hmm. First signs that Archie is lying his fine ginger ass off about what really went down at Pop’s?
Okay, since when does Archie have a dog? Like, where was this thing when he hosted a frat party in his living room and dry-humped Veronica on the pull-out couch? And, wait, it has a name? Its name is Vegas?? I have so many questions about this damn dog. Like, why I’ve never seen him before in my entire life and why his sole purpose on this show seems to be cock blocking the audience from witnessing another Varchie sex scene. You’re on my list, Vegas. You. Are. On. My. List.
Oh Jesus. Is he going to walk that thing looking like a walking crime scene? I mean, how hard would it have been to take your bloody shirt off before strolling through the neighborhood, Archie? Hmm? You take it off every other episode, so why is this any different?
Praise. Archie is finally earning his paycheck by being wet and broody, wiping the blood off his naked body, and I might pass out.
Meanwhile, Veronica thinks now is the appropriate time for a quickie. Archie is like, having an existential crisis, dealing with the potential death of his father, and Veronica is emotionally masturbating about their relationship. Wait. I am Veronica. Veronica is me.
This. Shower. Scene. Though. I don’t know whether I should be turned on or disgusted, because I’m pretty sure the entire cast was born the year I was learning to how to read.
Back at the hospital, everyone is blowing up Betty’s shit about still being a virgin, but like, do they not see that crew neck GAP sweater she’s wearing rn, right? That should have been a dead giveaway that her hymen is 100 percent still intact.
Cheryl walks in right at that moment looking like a fucking queen and treating her burn victim mother like this season’s must-have accessory. And YES you read that correctly. Her mother, who last we saw was losing her damn mind on the front lawn, while Cheryl gleefully watched her childhood home burn to the ground, is covered in burns from head to toe. This is suspicious AF. I mean, last we left off, Cheryl hadn’t set fire to any humans in her life (yet), and her mom was safely outside the fire… so does that mean Cheryl went back for round two?? I NEED ANSWERS, RIVERDALE WRITERS.
Archie and Veronica have finally disentangled themselves from each other, because maybe they should, like, check on Archie’s dying father? Maybe?
In typical fuckboy fashion, Archie tries to kick Veronica out of his house 2.5 seconds after pulling off the condom. *takes deep, calming breaths* And this is why I have trust issues. I know his dad is like, dying and all, but he’s lucky that a dime piece like Veronica Lodge is even giving him the time of fucking day. BYE.
God. Jughead on a motorcycle is literally all of my sexual fantasies come to life. If there’s ever a Suite Life reboot, they should incorporate this motorcycle somehow. Disney Channel, I’ll be waiting.
Wait… V thinks her mother placed a hit on her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Andrews?? Honestly, not that far-fetched…
HERMIONE LODGE: You really think I would kill my ex-boyfriend just because your father is coming home and I made out with Fred that one time?
VERONICA: If the Manolo Blahnik fits…
If only I’d had this comeback when I accused my mother of purposely shrinking my favorite pair of 7 jeans.
I love how Betty and Jughead can just walk into a crime scene and look for evidence. I forgot that they work for
the press their high school newspaper and therefore have access to such things. Like, I’m sorry, but I’ve watched every episode of Law & Order: SVU ever made at least 30 times, so I like to think of myself as something of an amateur detective, and there is no way in hell that Olivia Benson would let a kid with a beanie fuck with her crime scene.
^^Actual footage of me restraining myself from calling the Riverdale writers out on Twitter for their bullshit.
Also, it seems incredibly unlikely that mere hours after a shooting took place, the police are just done with the crime scene. What, did they just peek in and say, “That’s enough for us, we’re all cool here”? I mean, this is like Rosewood PD levels of bad police work. I can’t.
Lol, I love how Betty is just like, “Let’s look for his wallet while we’re at it!” OH BETS. YOU THINK THEY’D LEAVE A PIECE OF EVIDENCE LYING AROUND? Did you think the criminals were just like, “Yes, best leave it here in case some teens come by to get it for him.” Did you?? Smdh.
Poor Pop is mopping up pools of blood and meanwhile Betty and Jughead are just like, “Have you started serving lunch yet or…?” Watching them eat an entire lunch spread and argue about their relationship status whilst sitting next to a pool of blood is something I have not seen
since I last dined in Brooklyn in my damn life.
Okay, Cheryl threatening her burn victim mother is literally everything I’ve ever wanted to say to an ex-boyfriend ever.
MRS. BLOSSOM: *makes brief eye contact with Cheryl*
CHERYL: You breathe because I allow you air. Got it, bitch?
Archie finally lets us know wtf happened at Pop’s. It’s cool. I’ve only been waiting all fucking night, but take your time.
So apparently after the masked gunman shot Fred Andrews, he held a gun to Archie’s head
to test his acting abilities, and Archie just like, blacked out? It’s unclear. In a surprise to no one, Archie knows nothing and remembers nothing. You don’t make it easy to love you, do you Arch?
Archie walks in on Cheryl making out with his indisposed father, and it’s actually not the creepiest thing I’ve seen on this show tbh.
ARCHIE: Wtf are you doing?
CHERYL: I’m giving him the kiss of life.
I swear to fucking god, if Cheryl becoming a dementor is a plot twist this season, I’ll still be totally on board, because she is a queen, and I’ll follower her anywhere.
So this entire episode, Archie’s dad has been having dream sequence flashbacks in what I can only assume is The CW’s attempt to waste my time and get my hopes up that Archie won’t dump Veronica the second another hot new girl rolls up in town. Nice try, but it
won’t work is definitely working on me, please don’t crush me and my fragile feelings.
Also, his dad is imagining Archie and Veronica’s wedding, and all I can focus on is why Archie is in a kilt? Is it because he has red hair? Because that’s racist, CW.
I love watching Betty try to explain to Jughead that she’s low-key into bad boys. Like, Betty, you can stop with the whole good girl act. We all know that you would willingly leave your virginity on the floor of that trailer if Cole Sprouse shrugged into his jacket one more time.
Veronica, who has clearly watched the “Look What You Made Me Do” music video way too many times, causally threatens her parents (P.S. her dad is back! And it’s Kelly Ripa’s husband!) for maybe trying to murder her boyfriend’s dad, when they yell at her for drinking all of the Cristal and showing up late to dinner. Honestly, she’s bringing up some amazing points.
The episode ends with Archie sitting on his ass vowing to protect his family from intruders. Maybe it’s the baseball bat that he’s tapping in time to the background music or maybe it’s the milk crate he stole from an Urban Outfitters ad, but I just cannot take him seriously when he’s like this. Archie, you’re a dumbass, go to bed.
WAIT WTF THE MASKED MAN KILLS MRS. GRUNDY?? What. The. Fuck. I mean, she is seducing underage high school boys, so she totally got what she deserves, but like, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
I’m just having a lot of feelings rn, so if y’all need me I’ll just be Olivia Benson-ing the shit out of these case facts to see if I can figure out who masked man is by next week. Byeee.
The night we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived: the premiere of Riverdale season two. A lot happened on the first season, and because I don’t have the time, energy, or memory span to recap it all, I’ll kindly direct you to our list of the most insane moments from season one. We’ve also covered why Archie is the worst, but what about the best character on Riverdale? That’s easy. It’s Cheryl. She’s the hottest and the meanest, therefore she’s the best. I also would like to take this moment to shout-out Val, who is gorgeous and takes no shit from fuckboy Archie, which is a level of fortitude no other naïve bitch on this show can claim to possess. But this isn’t about Val this time; we’re here to talk about Cheryl. (Don’t worry, I will direct my thirst at Val some other time.) Cheryl Blossom is an icon. Her red hair and red lips are a statement, but she makes an even bigger statement with her… statements. Am I high? No. I’m talking about Cheryl Blossom’s comebacks. They are truly unparalleled. In a town where Archie Andrews is considered a musical prodigy and nobody thinks it’s weird as fuck to call a grown-ass man “F.P.”, Cheryl is the only one who keeps things somewhat real. In preparation of Riverdale season two, let’s take a look back at Cheryl Blossom’s most iconic comebacks thus far.
1. When She Chose Her Words Very Carefully
I’ve got to admire Cheryl for her conciseness here—as a writer, that’s something I always strive for in my work. She got rid of these two nobodies in as many words. Aspirational. Cheryl is the only person who could say “shoo” and not sound like a complete clown.
2. When She Asked This Very Direct Question
^AKA me making weekend plans in the group chat. Once again, I admire how straight to the point Cheryl was with this question. No frills. No mystery. Just some mutually beneficial destruction.
3. When She Got Very Dark
Yeesh, why does this sound like a sound bite from my Friday night rendezvous? You’re in high school, Cheryl! Put down 50 Shades of Grey.
4. When She Was A Psycho Just For The Fun Of It
Again, this is literally my internal monologue right before I download Bumble during Sunday brunch after a weekend of staying in and not getting attention from guys at bars.
5. When She Was Vengeful AF
This is pretty much me anytime my friend dares tag somebody else in a meme. Or when my FWB takes longer than 30 milliseconds to respond to a text. Or when the MTA delays my morning commute (which is basically every day). You get the idea. I don’t know what a reckoning is exactly, but it sounds very powerful and scary and I’m going to start using this expression anytime somebody wrongs me in the slightest.
6. When She Burned Down Her Parents’ House And Gave Zero Fucks
Cheryl’s mom is me and I am Cheryl and the metaphorical house is my dating life and overall general psychological well-being when I decide to breadcrumb my way back into the lives of fuckboys from New Jersey (NOT EVEN HOBOKEN) because I’m in my feelings and my dad is harassing me about why I’m not dating anyone. Too specific? K. Let’s discuss how Cheryl doesn’t even own this house. Does this bitch have equity? Does she contribute to the mortgage in any way? I’d bet my meager life savings that she absolutely does not, which makes this the ultimate power move. Short-sighted, yes, but very alpha.
We don’t deserve Cheryl Blossom.