Do The Producers Hate Colton? Diggy Moreland On This Week’s ‘Bachelor in Paradise’

Diggy here from season 13 of The Bachelorette and season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Betches thought my Twitter commentary on all things Bachelor was fire, so they gave me room for more than 280 characters.

I’m going to try to do my part to recap what was a somewhat anti-climactic Episodes 2 & 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. If you don’t like spoilers, please read anyway, as we need as many eyes on this as possible.

Episode 2 kicks off with Colton returning from his date with Tia, and he’s immediately cornered by Goose (Chris) and the rest of the Rat pack (which consists of Jordan and Nick), and they demand to know what his intentions are here in Paradise. From afar, it looks like they’re filming a fight scene from a late 90’s musical where no one gets touched and they only snap fingers, but they do get down to business eventually. Colton hints at still being in love with Becca, which Chris responds with: “Then why are you here??” In less than a few words Colton pretty much says: “I’ll be damned if I miss out on these airline miles.” Plus, Tia’s here.

The next morning, the smartest guy on the beach, Venmo John, “finds” a date card, and Kenny is now the lucky person that gets to get off the island.  With his newfound popularity, Kenny talks to Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, and Krystal, and he decides to take the newly hobbled Krystal on the date (she somehow managed to hurt her foot on a rock on the beach, which I can personally attest is 99% sand). Kenny’s date is a wrestling date (if you didn’t see that coming, LASIK is for you) where he and Krystal get to enjoy a real life Nacho Libre, minus the tortilla chips. A few kisses happen, but mostly just perspiration from Kenny.

Back on the beach, Jordan makes “dinner plans” for Annaliese. Notably missing from said dinner: plates, utensils, and food. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts…but she’s still hungry. Kevin, who was trying to start something with Krystal, starts looking at Astrid like he wants to crawl all over her, but it’s actually a lizard that beats him to the punch instead. He takes her to beach and their lips lock and he throws away the key. BUH BYE, KRYSTAL.

Pause here, because, YUKI’S BACK!!! She was a star on Winter Games for her personality and lack of English. That 2 week stint in our hearts has now qualified her to pour shots (which she has never done) in another country, which just proves to us that she’s just trying to fill up her passport.

Cocktail Party time, meaning two guys are going home. Awkward convos happen, Hail Mary’s are thrown, but ultimately it’s the Tia and Colton show… again. Tia grabs Colton to chat, and she pretty much tells him that everyone is saying Colton is an immature 6th grader (which for the record, is not true, he’s a lot older than that). Colton tells her that he wants to see what’s out there, and that she should do what makes him happy, because then she’d be happy. Well, whatever the hell that means. Chris then picks up the pieces by spitting hot fire and saying he’s here for Tia and nothing else (remember I said this).

Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Krystal to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris, Kendall to Joe, Nysha to Eric, and Angela to John. At this point, we just knew Colton was going home, but Bibiana (*cough cough* producers) decide to give Colton a rose so he can “have the chance to find love.” Those keeping score at home, yes we lost fly-ass Wills and Nick just so we can have more of the Tia/Colton saga.

Wills The Bachelorette

If you thought you were going to have a full week without our most recent Bachelorette, Becca, you were wrong. In the beginning of episode 3, she shows up the next day, like that trust fund friend with nothing better to do. Becca talks to Tia, and by doing so, haunts Colton in the process.I’m not sure if the producers hate Colton or not, but god is he easy to make fun of. Colton starts crying on a rock smaller than him, and Becca essentially consoles him back to health. Boom, now he has closure, and can be the savage Colton that America has come to know and love.

In what we have to imagine is AMAZING editing, Annaliese continually states how much she’s into Jordan, and then boom—Jenna walks in and leaves Jordan as speechless as we’ve ever seen him. (It must be noted: Her outfit is pink, in addition to her hair, which makes me hope she sticks around so I can see if her hair will always match her outfits.) Jenna takes Jordan on the date, and this dude is GIDDY. They ride horses and make out on the beach (and everywhere else). Also present on this date: a black box that covers Jenna’s butt the entire time. Essentially this date was just taking turns breathing for each other. Jordan comes back to the beach and pretty much tells Annaliese “good luck” and gives her two fingers. David tries to ruffle a few feathers by celebrating Jenna’s birthday with her alone, and Jordan sits there like a chaperone, ensuring that there is no physical contact.

Caroline (Arie’s season) shows up super nervous and literally is speaking a mile a minute. (Someone KISS her already so she can stop talking, PLEASE.) She takes John on the date, who is polar opposite of her normal type of guy. This date REEKED of a friendship, but somehow Caroline is into it. They drink, they dance, a kiss happens, Paradise wins again. Jubilee shows up the next morning, asks John on a date (literally asking him while he’s snuggling with Caroline…SAVAGE) and he says yes. Ziplining and nerdy convo, once again, this date is heading to the platonic section.

Kenny decides to make a night beach date for Krystal, but Krystal pretty much tells him to check your brakes, and then pump them. He pretty much got friend zoned when males have the power…BALLSY move, Krystal. Fast forward to 5 minutes later when she’s making out with Chris (yes, Tia’s Chris) on the daybed. Colton finds out, and runs faster than he did as a football player to tell Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. While chatting to Jordan about how he has everything in the bag, Tia confronts Chris in a fashion that has me ANXIOUS for next week!

Images: Giphy (2)

‘The Bachelor’ Contestants Explained By The Types Of Girls In Your Friend Group

Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!

Watching The Bachelor, especially a season premiere, is basically an exercise in competitive judging—and this week was no exception. While I learned relatively little about human yawn Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., other than the fact he likes underage women drives race cars, I learned a whole lot by judging the shit out of every woman’s hometown video, outfit, and general demeanor. While the contestants may have bigger boobs and smaller vocabularies than the people you hang out with, every girl you love to hate on this show is definitely a KIND of girl you know in real life. Here’s a rundown of the types of people in your friend group, as represented by Bachelor contestants.

Chelsea: The “Work Hard Play Hard” Friend

Chelsea is the friend you always kind of wish you could cut out of your life, but you know your life would be much more sedentary if she weren’t around to drag your ass to SoulCycle or bully you into dancing on yet another table. Somehow, “chill nights in” never seem to happen to this person: she’s always working, working out, or pounding shots, and she does all three with the same super intense vibe of someone who’s GETTING SHIT DONE. She’s kind of inspirational but honestly exhausting.

Chelsea Bachelor

Maquel: The Flirty Friend

You would be more jealous of this friend for her endless confidence, but her ability to do just about anything without getting embarrassed is way too fun to give up. Even though you silently judge at least 50% of her choices, she’s super fun to go out with because she gives no fucks and her primary goal in life is to have a good time.

Maquel

Tia: The Shy Friend

Tia is sweet, but Tia is tragic. Her jokes are both unfunny and overly sexual, and she seems like someone who’s spent her whole life trying to break out of crushes on guys who think of her as a baby sister. She laughs a little too hard at everyone’s jokes and has never approached a guy in her life, but she’d hold your hair back and call you an Uber with the least bitching out of all your friends, so it’s a toss-up.

Tia Bachelor

Bekah M.: The Hipster Half-Friend

Bekah M. is often insufferable, but too much of a threat to be ignored. For whatever reason, she’s not satisfied with just being hot and needs to also pose as some variation of an artist/intellectual/Great Explorer of Life who’s way too cool for the “petty drama” of you being pissed when she’s consistently four hours late. Bekah M. is the most likely of your friends to pretend to smoke weed, or say she “doesn’t play games” with guys, while being a literal psychopath. Since she’s both unreliable and insufferably faux-earnest, it’s kind of hard to be too close to Bekah—but you became friends because she’s ultimately a cool girl who’s just way too into herself (aren’t we all).

Bekah M Bachelor

Bibiana: The Wild Card

Bibiana is the kind of girl who “falls in love” at least once a week and seems totally naïve, but also has a dark side. She comes off as being totally open and friendly (she just has a lot of feelings!) but she’s also confident AF and would probably beat someone up for you. Basically, she may seem a little bubbly/vulnerable, but you definitely shouldn’t mess with Bibiana.

Bibiana

All done? Good. Pick the one most like your BFF and spend the rest of this season mocking her for all the dumb shit her doppelgänger does—preferably from six inches away over wine, as ABC God intended.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor Podcast here!