When the POTUS Who Shall Not Be Named first hopped onto the presidential campaign bus, he was a true inspiration to the American people. Not out of any particular charisma or idealism—the man is as appealing as a blobfish wearing a toupee—but because we all joined together for a single purpose: ridiculing the shit out of him.
But like our beach bodies and Obama’s terms as president, it was too good to last. As election season dragged on, creative descriptions like “racist, sexist block of aged cheddar” (Jezebel) and “xenophobic sweet potato” (Chris Hardwick) petered out, and in their place came the Cheeto comparisons. At some point last fall, possibly after the first presidential debate sapped our collective will to live, everyone decided that the Great Comber-Over’s spirit animal was the cheese puff.
I get it. It’s an apt comparison, and in these forsaken times, it takes all your strength just to complain about politics on Facebook. But I beg of you: don’t lose hope. With 171,476 words in the English language, there are so many other avenues to take when describing Steve Bannon’s favorite life-size puppet.
I encourage you to explore your own creativity in this area, of course—preferably as loudly as possible in a public forum. If you’re uninspired, however, feel free to refer to the following 16 examples. I assure you, it’s the best list out there. A beautiful list. Really, I’m thrilled with how it turned out.
1. The Future Mrs. Vladimir Putin
2. Half-Rotted Bag of Carrots
3. Misogynistic Pumpkin
4. Overgrown Capybara With Poor Social Skills
5. Wannabe King Midas
6. Mildewed Pair Of Gym Socks You Found At The Bottom of Your Locker But Don’t Recognize As Yours
7. Spoiled Gas Station Hot Dog
8. Racist Howler Monkey
9. Troll Doll Come To Life
10. 70-Year-Old Rhinoceros In A Toupee
11. Time Traveler Sent To Throw Earth Into Chaos
12. Overconfident Guinea Pig
13. Tweedle Don
14. Vengeful Bowl Of Mac and Cheese
15. The Ventriloquist Mike Pence And His Dummy
16. The Man Who Will Make America Facist Again*
*He might actually be fine with that one.
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