Last week I taught everyone a lesson not to sleep on me. This week on Final Reckoning week 16, we begin with Nelson and Brad trying to teach each other a lesson as well. Brad told Kayleigh he wants to give her toilet paper for all the sh*t she talks, and Nelson wasn’t having it. As a war breaks out after the Redemption elimination (where Natalie and I came through in one of the biggest upsets this season) Nelson continues to beg Brad to spank his ass. Brad drops a bomb comeback: “You line up a motherf*cking fight, and I’ll meet you in your weight class, b*tch!”
I’m just wondering why MTV hasn’t jumped on top of this opportunity yet. “Call the Lawyers.” Give the people what they want! The losing teams head back to Redemption and no one is more excited than Cara to have #PaNatalie back in the house. TJ wasn’t lying when he said I went from “cigarettes and sadness to happiness, and let’s do this!” I’m pumped to be back in the main house. Can’t say the LL’s feel the same.
On the bus to Redemption, Kam takes the opportunity to make fun of the boys’ loss to #PaNatalie. #TeamBB literally spent almost two months in Redemption and their first win came against the so-called “powerhouse” duo that is Kyle and Brad. Kam’s okay with her loss because Cara is a legend, and Brad reminds her that I’m part of that team as well… Since when am I not a legend? Show some damn respect, boys. Don’t make me pull out the toilet paper, Brad.
At the main house, Johnny is super excited to have Natalie back. In true passive-aggressive fashion, Natalie brings up Angela, and Johnny asks, “who?” What you don’t see is Johnny hanging the panties Angela left him over Natalie’s bed. Call me old-fashioned, but this and many other reasons is why I never leave a thong behind. Come on girls, do better.
Outside, Devin and Cory discuss their almost flawless game. Considering they’ve only participated in one challenge thus far, I can’t disagree. We are then reminded of what drives the boys as they plan for their first challenge wins: Devin is here to make his later father proud, and Cory is here to promote Teen Mom. Just kidding. Kind of.
We get another adorable picture of Ryder, Cory’s daughter, and I can hear my uterus sigh. MTV makes parenthood so appealing. Had I known Teen Mom was dropping the “Teen” qualification for the show, I may have never gotten a #Smushmortion. I’m KIDDING. *sweats profusely* Cory and Devin agree it’s best to act oblivious and remain low-key. Good idea. What could PASTAbly go wrong?
We head to the bar/dead restaurant and Cory lets us know DADDY’S EATING GOOD TONIGHT. I’m not usually turned on when someone calls themselves Daddy, but tonight is different. Cory, if you want another baby… I’m potty trained… most nights. We get a quick shot of me and Sylvia talking in the background, and this was actually her apologizing to me. I can definitely hold a grudge, but in a Challenge house, it’s hard to. I may or may not need her allegiance moving forward. There are millions of reasons I decided to let the head-butt go, and they all spell money. Right, Nelson?
On the way home we’re continuing to enjoy our time together… and our leftovers. Within minutes the bus goes from 0 to 100 after Tony decides to throw Cory’s pasta out the window. The girls and I head inside, not knowing how serious this all would end, and I’m pissed I didn’t see it firsthand. Cory blindsides Tony with a backward trip/flip and again, I’m turned on. I guess there’s just something about food fights that get me going.
The house is in a total uproar as both sides plead their case. Devin is sure that they must have slipped and Bananas is positive that they didn’t. The only thing I know is that Shane must have taught Nelson a new word this week. Nelson goes on to use the word “amplify” as many times as possible before the end of the episode. Good job Nelly, but can you spell it?
Johnny brings Tony into one of the interview rooms as the audience gets a behind-the-scenes look into how we do things. Bougie, right? John takes full advantage of being “the victim” and tells us that severe emotional traumas can really bring people together. Shut up. Tony and Cory both head to the hotel and no one knows what’s going to happen. Sylvia embraces her new villain role outside as she talks to Joss about the possibilities of both teams leaving. Why do I get Little Mermaid Ursula vibes here?
Once Tony and Cory leave, John is left alone with the gang mentality that makes up TYB. I’m never one to feel bad for John, but this was so obnoxious. Nelson literally woke our entire room up just to “amp” sh*t up and see John’s veins pop out of his head. Johnny lets Nelson know he doesn’t want to speak to idiots and this cues Devin, “the smart one”, to tap in.
Johnny is getting followed around the house by TYB. Even I’m getting annoyed. You’re not going to hit him, so can’t we all just go to bed? I’m not sure why Devin decides to follow John out to the front of the house since he already lives inside his head, but he does. John reaches his breaking point and hits Devin so low that even Nelson can see it on his tippy toes: “I hope the apple fell far from the tree because you’re a piece of sh*t.” OH, HELL TO THE N-O. It is never EVER appropriate to bring up someone’s deceased family, ESPECIALLY in this situation. #TeamDevin.
The following day John has cooled down and gives a lackluster apology to the camera. Do we believe him? I’m not sure… but I’d like to give anyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being such a piece of sh*t. Tony returns to the house hoping for some TYB sympathy, but no one cares. Cory returns to the house and apologizes to Devin. I’m happy we can move past the pasta… turns out, TJ can’t though.
Apparently, this week production doesn’t condone physical violence and Cory and Devin are gone. Can someone say game-changer? I hate to see them leave, but LOVE to watch them walk away. See you in the states, boys! I have a hearty laugh when John asks “who put a knuckle in Joss?” because it’s true. I catch some secondhand embarrassment for Joss but remember he’s beautiful so I don’t feel bad. It’s Challenge time!
Its TJ’s favorite Challenge, Trivia! Typically I’d be excited about something that uses my brain, but these challenges always seem to have some sort of sadistic twist to them. This time, it’s standing 35 feet over water on a plank with a hammer kick to the bottom if you get 3 X’s…wonderful. Last time we did heights over water was the meat challenge. I’m not lying, if you don’t fall perfectly penciled that sh*t hurts and is also extremely dangerous (case in point, Leroy in the Vendetta car challenge). My face says it all as the contraption begins to lift.
I slowly walk out to the plank and begin to cry. This is my “I don’t want to be here” cry and can be spotted every Monday at 8am as I walk into work. Johnny surprisingly tries to calm me down as TJ notices Cara, like a disappointed dad, is NOT feeling this challenge either. Her face is DEAD as she gets up on the platform. I obviously screenshot Cara’s face and immediately set it as her contact picture in my phone.
We begin and I worry these questions were made for Nelson—any idiot can answer them. Me, Johnny, and Paulie all use our first X’s on Sylvia and Joss, and they’re out before they even get a question. Sylvia wonders when she’s gonna catch a break. Cue my eye roll. Quick to forget the head-butting incident, are we? As team #Sloss gets booted into the water the contraption shakes and down goes John. I would have laughed had I not been extremely terrified. Shane and Nelson are up next and use their correct answer to finish off Tony.
Shane and Nelson have two X’s when Nelson can’t remember the name of the elimination ring he fought in, several times, on Dirty Thirty. I’m not surprised and I’m NOT sad. See ya later, hater. Cara and I get ours correct and decide to use it on Ashley and Hunter. In hindsight, we probably should’ve used it on PaNatalie. We were in a much safer position if the opposing side won (they’d probably go for PaNatalie) and wouldn’t choose us to go against. I also believe that Ashley would’ve used her X on PaNatalie because they would’ve just axed her. Lapse of judgment.
It comes down to PaNatalie vs. Cara and me, and I’m praying they get this wrong. If they do, it’s back in our court. My prayers go unanswered as usual when I hear TJ say the word pizza. Paul’s been a super fan of the show and upon meeting him at the airport for departure he said: “You wanna pizza me?” I’m screwed. They answer correctly and TJ seems upset that I’d throw a pizza on Brad and Britni.
I plead my case that I simply delivered it and get rocked to the water. Two months in Redemption, near-death experience, and a pizza question leaves PaNatalie in a power spot. Ashley says she’s worried about their vote. She’s not sure who they’re aligned to, and neither am I. I felt this was worse-case scenario and sulked all the way to nominations.
What happens next? You won’t believe.
Next week’s episode is going to put a HUGE wrench in any Challenge fantasy games out there. Good luck kids, and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA!
Peace and love,
Images: MTV (4); Giphy (2)
This week my birthday month celebrations finally caught up with me and I’ve been sick all week. I wasn’t planning on writing a recap for last night’s episode until I woke up this morning and saw that both Cara and Paulie, two people who may be biased in their recaps, wrote one… and I’m not letting Shane go down like that. I loved this episode, maybe because I love Shane, maybe because I love pettiness…. either way, here’s MY recap of The Challenge: Final Reckoning episode 8!
We begin the episode where we left off in Armageddon, where team bad girls, and everyone else, was blindsided by TJ’s twist of mercenaries. This season, mercenaries don’t just take you out of the game, they take your place. Pan to me saying “That’s f*cked up,” and that’s exactly how I feel. The teams had to punch themselves through walls in order to win the elimination, and unfortunately Faith couldn’t pull it off. That being said, Angela broke those walls down like they were cardboard, and I’m sad we won’t get to see her perform fully…. or will we? Before leaving, Angela tells the camera that Kam and Kayleigh “need to fix their wig, and their nose.” I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS REUNION. Ashley/Hunter join the game and everyone is ecstatic… except, of course, Johnny and myself/Cara. With Ashley in the house, we fall lower on the totem pole of who I considered my allies. Ashley’s hella fun, though—so I’m still not THAT upset.
While Ashley and Hunter move into the main house, we are made aware that Kyle (with his newest boo sent to redemption) now has his eyes on SmAshley. Ashley looks HELLA good this season, so can we blame him? Last week Cara told Faith it was a bad idea as a “rookie” to come after a man who’s had previous relations with someone in the house—I wonder if her feelings are different now that Kyle has his eyes on Ash, a VET, and former CHAMPION in the house. The answer is no, because Cara is a hypocrite. The boys take bets on how long it will take Kyle to get Ashley in bed… I wonder who won with a <24 hours bet… cause that would’ve been mine. What kind of girl would get with a guy night one??? OH right, ME, last season on vendettas, when I drunkenly chalked Kyle before Cara could get her claws in him. I feel you Smash—and in the name of women empowerment… you get yours HONEY! Ash realizes quickly it may not have been the best idea to swap booty with Captain Kyle and quickly decides to keep it a “secret”, even from her partner Hunter. Hunter is worried that Ashley may be…. well typical Ashley… and start stirring some unnecessary drama early in the game. Hunter may be smarter than he looks… maybe.
The sun rises, and Shady Shane thinks it’s a good idea to apologize to Davonne for calling her a b*tch. Davonne is a smart girl, a very very smart girl, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Shane’s motives to apologize may not be genuine. Davonne calls bullsh*t in her interview, while Shane explains he’s trying to confuse her into thinking they’re friends. They agree to start fresh, but Davonne lets us know that it’s one strike with her and you’re out. She’s playing Shane in this conversation as much as Shane thinks he’s playing her. It’s clear this new vendetta, even with an “apologetic” Shane, is still very much real.
P.S. How gorgeous is Day? All of her interviews get me so HYPE. She is ferocious and the kind of woman this show needs.
P.P.S. We also need Shane, because who doesn’t love a mean queen? #PETTYLIVESMATTER
We finally get a day out at the winery, and it’s obvious where the cliques stand… or sit (as we are at a picnic). We start with an interview from Ashley reminding us Joss is “god’s gift to women” and we cut to what might be the hottest reel of a guy coming out of the water ever. Joss, we love you!
During the outing Johnny lets the world know that his days are numbered. With so many new faces on the show, everyone’s coming for the number one spot, and currently that lies with Cara and Johnny as the faces of the challenge. Cara tells Johnny the lavender ladies “think they’re famous” and I just threw my amoxicillin at the TV. Cara makes me sick sometimes, and apparently still makes me sick, because now I lost my medicine. On the way home Shane tries to tell Cara why people hate her and while it doesn’t show it, I did stick up for her. While I agree with everything Shane is saying, she’s still my partner. I can’t stick up for her too much, however, because if the lavender ladies hate me, #TEAMCARAMARIE are done in this game. Back at the house, my wonderful partner Cara tells Johnny about the bus ride, even dropping my name as to someone who addressed her, even after I stuck up for her (typical). This is where perhaps my favorite challenge scene EVER begins.
Johnny decides to call Shane over to address his recent dragging of Cara, and here comes the FIREWORKS… or maybe it’s the laser beams LOL. Johnny tells Shane he loves him to death (eye roll) and that he needs to stop. Even Tony, his partner, recognizes how much of a d*ck John can be. Johnny tells Shane to put his helmet on so maybe he can grow some confidence. Cue hero music, Shane requests his helmet and lets Johnny know that he is a narcissistic sociopath. Johnny, not knowing the definition of either word Shane used to describe him, thinks Shane is calling him self-conscious. I have now replayed this scene 10 times, and every time I do, it doesn’t get less funny. Whether you love or hate Shane, you can’t deny you had a good laugh with this argument.
Back at Redemption, TJ shows up to share surveillance with the currently eliminated teams. This time, the footage shows Ashley and Kyle getting down and dirty and Faith is upset. Veronica speaks for all of us when she says “are we really that shocked”?
Cut to a team convo with team bad girls, and Angela is being a great friend/partner helping Faith understand how much of a dirty pirate Kyle really is. I hope and pray team bad girls get back into the main house, because there is nothing scarier than a woman scorned, or in Kyle’s case… two women scorned.
We get to the daily challenge, where TJ tells us we will be playing a good old fashioned game of rugby, in two teams. Whichever team wins the challenge will have the task of nominating an MVP whom will win the power vote. Since Kam/Kayleigh won the last challenge, they had the opportunity to chose which team they’d like to join. What isn’t explained is that only same-gendered players can tackle each other. With Kam/Kay choosing to the orange team, this automatically gives us a HUGE advantage as the yellow team only has two females and we have six. Let’s not forget the GIGANTIC dudes the orange team has as well with Kyle, Brad, Tony, Zach, and Hunter all rocking with us. This leaves the yellow team consisting of Shane, Nelson, Davonne, Jozea, Johnny, Tony, and Joss and Sylvia. With the winning team getting the coveted opportunity to vote MVP, it doesn’t look great for Shane and Nelson since two of the four teams literally loathe him. Shane realizes this early, and in a hilarious interview between him and his partner Nelson, he lets Nelson know that they cannot win today’s challenge. TBH they weren’t going to win anyway…. but that’s not what makes this so hilarious.
We kick off the challenge and with ease. The orange team grabs the first win (out of a best of three scenario). While it wasn’t necessary for Shane to make it so obvious that he was throwing the challenge… you gotta love him for it. The quick shots of him prancing/sitting down on the field are enough to make any petty lover happy. As predicted, the orange team wins, but not before Jozea realizes Shane’s plan. The yellow team is PISSED and we get some hilarious bickering between Jozea and Shane. I love Shane so much, but I really do hope Jozea “wears his Louis to the reunion” and stomps on Shane’s head. Is anyone else super excited for this reunion? Shane mentions Jozea’s songs suck, but admittedly says in his interview he doesn’t like Jozea, so he’s gonna say whatever he can to piss him off. While I am #TeamShane … for now …. Jozea’s song really is fire and I suggest you all give it a listen here.
Next week’s preview shows me crying because “I can’t trust my friends.” I honestly can’t remember why I’m upset, but regardless, A sad/mad Marie is not one you want to miss. Perhaps it’s time to switch alliances????? This season is just starting to heat up… and I cannot wait for the world to meet MARNIE (my crazy alter ego who gives zero f*cks)
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!! Let me know what you thought of Shane’s plan in the comments!!
Images: Giphy (2); MTV (2)