Buckle your seat belts, ladies and gentlemen, because I’m about to tell you the exact date that the Kardashian empire will reveal to the world the pregnant stomachs of Khloé Kardashian and Kylie Jenner. No longer will they be restricted to only taking chest-up photographs, or stealing shirts from Shrek’s closet to hide their bumps. Just when you thought you no longer cared if they were with child, without child, or dead, they are finally going to give the people what they’ve been asking for: a goddamn confirmation. That is all we’ve wanted this entire time. Just say yes or no.
So how do I know the date? The latest fan theory that’s been floating around the Kardashian Universe (which is the regular universe) is taking the hint from the Kardashian family Christmas card. This is the most realistic and solid theory I’ve heard (and I’ve heard them all), and I am not ashamed to say it literally gave me chills. Let’s break it down piece by piece.
As you all (should) know, the Kardashians do a very extra Christmas card every year. It’s their thing. Normally they’ll just post the Christmas card for the whole internet to see, and everyone loves it and that’s that. This year, they’re shaking things up a bit. As of December 1st, they’ve all been participating in 25 days of Christmas, and each day they reveal a tiny piece of the entire photo. It’s like a puzzle, which, on the 25th with all the pieces together, shows the final picture. Here are some of the pictures that have revealed so far.
Notice how so far we can only see a few of the kids, Kim, and who I presume to be Kourtney based on hair color and proximity to her children. Kylie and Khloé are noticeably absent at this point.
So what piece of the puzzle will be revealed on the 24th? Kylie and Khloé in the Good American maternity collection, pregnant stomachs fully exposed. Suprise! There it is. This is totally legit. Pregnancy is the exact kind of thing people share in their Christmas card photos. And if the two of them are supposed to be giving birth some time around January/February, there is no luck for them hiding this much longer. They need to just get this over with.
Kris Jenner already hinted at her future grandchildren in that Instagram of all their holiday pajamas, sent to her from Burt’s Bees, who apparently makes clothes. Can I buy a camisole that matches my Chapstick? But perhaps this was a meta hint that the pregnancy announcement would be made around Christmas time. This theory also makes way more sense than it being announced in the midseason finale of KUTWK, which I admit I previously believed, but I don’t think even Kris would stoop that low. This way is much more wholesome, but still gives the girls a chance to reach the most liked Instagram of the year. There obviously has to be some media value to this, or else what was the point in getting pregnant?
I’m no psychic, but I think I just predicted the biggest moment of 2017, and of our lives. And if I’m wrong, then I guess we’ll just have to wait until the babies are out of the womb to confirm this shit. But even then, will we ever really know for sure? At this rate these kids may be 30 before the Kardashian/Jenner clan confirms their existence. Kris to E! News in 2048: “BTW forgot to tell you Khloé and Kylie were pregnant.” Seacrest, out.
Oh, short guys. To date them, or not to date them. That is the question. On the one hand, you don’t want to be the kind of shallow bitch that puts “nobody under 6 ft” in her Bumble bio. On the other hand, you have a killer collection of heels that you’re not ready to retire. And sure, we all dream of the 6’5″ finance bro of our dreams who is both square jawed and emotionally available, but I don’t think I need to tell you that having a love life of any kind will probably require some compromises on that dream. Like, maybe he doesn’t have to be a Top Chef level cook, or own his own apartment with two stories and 10 adorable puppies. Just a thought. Or maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t really have to be that tall. Shocking, I know, but there are actually some incredibly attractive short men in this world, you just have to look for them—like, 3-4 inches lower than where you were looking before. Don’t believe me? We’ve compiled a list of all the “short” (aka under 5’9″) celebs who will absolutely make you rethink your height limits, or at least buy slightly shorter heels. You’re welcome.
For more hilarious videos just like this one, subscribe to our Youtube channel!