Well, it’s official! Actually, it’s been official for like, 11 months, but now Justin and Hailey Bieber have finally marked their love with an extravagant wedding. So it’s like, official official. Mazel tov! These two crazy kids had their wedding on Monday night, probably because
they got a discount none of these people have real jobs, and many of their closest friends made the journey from Hollywood to South Carolina just for the occasion. Let’s take a look at who made the cut, what they wore, and who was left off the list (or just at Paris Fashion Week).
Kylie & Stormi
To be honest, Kylie really shut it down with this look. Sure, it’s a little Hunger Games opening ceremony, but this wedding was obviously supposed to be over the top. Stormi was also there, and she looked f*cking adorable. Unclear if Travis Scott was also there, but he stayed out of the photos if he was. Kylie left South Carolina on a private jet at like 7am this morning, and I have a feeling she didn’t get too much sleep.
Kendall Jenner was one of the few famous faces that was visible in the paparazzi pics from Sunday night’s rehearsal dinner, so we knew that she was going to be at the actual wedding. Her dress honestly looks a little like a skeleton costume, which would have been perfect if this wedding was a month later. Whatever, she still looks hot. She also made sure to clarify that she’s not dating the guy in the photo, even though he’s super f*cking hot.
For the Jenners, it really was a family affair, as Kris and Corey Gamble accompanied Kendall and Kylie to the wedding. Kris posted this picture, where she’s looking especially like Liza Minnelli. They look like they were having fun, but I’m dying that Kris posted the grainiest f*cking photo from this A-list wedding. Like, all the other photo booth pictures look like they could be in Vogue, and Kris’ eyes are just two pixels. Do better!
It’s no big surprise that Will Smith’s son Jaden was at the wedding, as he’s always run with a similar crew to Justin and Hailey. This selfie that Kendall’s date put on his story is wonderfully messy, but it made me think. If this wedding had happened a year ago, I’m willing to bet money that Jordyn Woods would’ve been smack dab in the middle of this photo. Ah, how the turn tables have…
Joan Smalls is one of the biggest models in the world, and it looks like she had a blast at the wedding. I mean, this is a pretty stunning group of women, so it’s probably for the best that I wasn’t invited, because I would’ve looked like an actual toad compared to them. These ladies would absolutely bully me, and I would let them.
Justine Skye is a singer/actress/model with over two million followers on Instagram, but I mostly wanted to include her in this list because of her caption. Like, does everyone at the wedding know that Justin & Hailey have been married for a whole year? Like, it’s not groundbreaking that Hailey is a wife, babe. And better yet, she’s a WHOLE wife. Wow!!
Sadly, the wedding fell right in the middle of Paris Fashion Week, so the Hadid sisters were not in attendance. In particular, Gigi was a little busy at the Chanel show, where she single-handedly got rid of a catwalk crasher during the finale. If Gigi’s not careful, she’s gonna end up on the security team instead of the runway next season.
And while the Jenners were in attendance, the actual Kardashians were nowhere to be found. I guess it makes sense that Kendall and Kylie are in the same age group as Justin and Hailey, but I still kind of expected the whole fam to be invited. I guess they had to cut some corners on the guest list!
Images: kyliejenner, kendalljenner, yourboyfai, joansmalls, justineskai, zaddyzlut / Instagram
If you’re currently stressing out about the nightmare that is wedding season, at least you’re not alone. Over this past weekend, there were four major celebrity weddings, and it was a lot to keep track of. By that, I mean that I was furiously refreshing the Instagram stories of anyone within a mile radius of Jax and Brittany’s wedding in Kentucky. We all have flaws, and mine is that I care far too much about anyone who works at Sur.
This weekend really was like a celebrity episode of Four Weddings, so I’m going to just pretend that’s what it was. If you’re unfamiliar with the glorious trash TV that is Four Weddings, it’s a reality show where four brides all attend each other’s weddings, and then rate them based on four categories: Dress, Venue, Food, and Overall Experience.
In case you weren’t glued to Instagram this entire weekend, let’s recap who actually got married. First, as I already mentioned, we have Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright, stars of Vanderpump Rules, who got married in Kentucky. The wedding was a who’s who of Bravolebrities and random other people, and was just as gloriously tacky as you’d expect.
Next, we have Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, who had their official wedding in France, two months after their random Vegas wedding after the Billboard Music Awards. Priyanka was there, and she cried.
Also in France, Zoë Kravitz married actor Karl Glusman in Paris, and all the cool people you’d expect, including some of her Big Little Lies cast, were there.
Finally, Katharine McPhee married her much-older man David Foster in London on Friday, kicking off what is her second marriage and his fifth. I’m not judging!!
I’ll be honest and say that Brittany’s dress is not for me. From watching many, many episodes of Say Yes To The Dress, I know that I will never be into dresses with sheer bodices, and the contrast between the opaque skirt and the sheer part is a little jarring. But also, I was expecting to hate Brittany’s dress a lot more. She didn’t have a 50-foot train, or a ginormous ball gown, and for that I am thankful.
Rudely enough, we haven’t gotten photos of Sophie Turner in her gown yet. Well, technically that’s not true. There’s one grainy-ass aerial photo that was probably taken by a paparazzi drone, and I’m not going to try to guess what the dress actually looked like from that. But I’m sure she looked amazing.
Rating: 8/10 (Probably a 10/10 in real life but I’m just guessing here.)
Unfortunately, we’re still waiting to see Zoë’s actual wedding dress, but for now we can go off of her rehearsal dinner look. Tbh, it’s iconic. Zoë is not the kind of person to wear a boring pretty dress, so I’m all for her bridal biker shorts look.
Rating: 7/10 (Deduction taken for no actual wedding dress photos.)
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Let the celeb weddings continue – @katharinemcphee and @davidfoster married over the weekend in London. In true millennial form, Katharine swapped dresses for the reception, from her @zacposen gown to a teal blue dress. This is Foster’s 5th marriage, so for Katharine’s sake, we hope this one works out | ? @metrodotstyle
Katharine McPhee is low-key super gorgeous, and her wedding dress didn’t disappoint. Her Zac Posen gown is elegant and timeless, and I love the striped detailing on the skirt. For the reception, she changed into a tea-length teal dress, which is an interesting choice, but she still looks stunning.
For their wedding, Jax and Brittany rented out the entire Kentucky Castle, which is shockingly kind of gorgeous?? The ceremony took place outdoors, and I have never seen grass that green in my life. My main complaint here is the over-the-top greenery that was hanging everywhere inside for the reception. Basically, they decorated the place exactly like Lisa Vanderpump would, which isn’t a good thing.
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Joe and Sophie got married at the Chateau de Tourreau in Provence, which is a totally stunning venue. However, the reason I really care about this is that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills literally JUST STAYED THERE. The staff at this place has definitely seen a lot in the past year, from the enire Jonas/Turner/Chopra crew to Kyle Richards nearly falling down the stairs drunk. Where do I apply?
Apparently Lenny Kravitz has made a lot of money in his life, because his house in Paris is f*cking STUNNING. Seriously, British Vogue did a photoshoot inside the house last month, and I would seriously sell a kidney to get married there. I’m assuming the decorations, etc. were all tasteful af, because of course they were.
Katharine and David got married at an Armenian Apostolic church in London, and it really just looks like a basic, old church. Happy for them, but it’s no Lenny Kravitz’s house. Their reception was in a private venue in London’s upscale Mayfair neighborhood, so I’m sure it was nice. Overall, this seems like a great wedding, but I’m uninspired by the venue choice.
Look, I don’t know what any of these people ate at their weddings. I wasn’t there, okay? I’m just going to assume that they all served delicious, gourmet food.
Were all of these weddings fun and beautiful? I’m sure they were. Sorry if you think this is a copout, but based on the extravagance and the number of famous people at each of these weddings, I’m going to give them all a perfect score for experience. You tell me that you wouldn’t want to see drunk Kristen Doute at a wedding, and I’ll tell you you’re lying.
By my tally, that leaves us with a three-way tie for first place between Zoë, Sophie, and Katharine with 37 points each. Sorry, Brittany and Jax. I hope that all four of these couples have long, happy marriages, and that they don’t let the competition of this article diminish from what I’m sure were four magical weddings. Cheers!
Images: Shutterstock; Brittany, harpersbazaarsg, betchesbrides, chateaudetourreau, lennykravitz / Instagram
What keeps you up at night? Insomnia? Stress dreams? The unquenchable desire to know when Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber will eventually have their (public) wedding? If you answered the latter, you’re in the right place. After months of speculation, it looks like we’re finally getting some details on when these two crazy kids will be tying the knot. Buckle up, there’s a lot of hearsay from here on out.
To recap, Bieber and Baldwin were married in a low-key courthouse ceremony last September but it was not officially confirmed until November via this Instagram post by none other than Justin himself.
Naturally, rumors of a bigger, star-studded ceremony started swirling immediately. It was leaked that save the dates were sent out for a February 28th event, but then TMZ reported in January that Hailey and Justin needed to postpone because some of the Bieber extended family was unable to attend. Another source claimed the wedding would be going down the weekend of March 1st, which coincided with Justin’s 25th birthday. However, that day came and went without any bells ringing, and for good reason, it seems.
In March, Justin took to Instagram to announce that he would be stepping back from music to focus on his mental health in the hopes of becoming the best version of himself for his wife and potential future children, a move that I think we can all agree is in the best interest of all parties involved. It’s almost like becoming an international pop star at the age of 12 can negatively impact the rest of your life or something.
After that, updates from the Bieber/Baldwin camp became nearly nonexistent until last week, when they were resurrected by the appearance of wedding bands on the young, tanned, incredibly rich fingers of both Hailey and Justin. The Cut is now reporting that the wedding will be happening in September, closer to their actual one year anniversary. Considering how high-profile of an event it’s bound to be, it’s likely we won’t have any real confirmation until after the fact, despite the fervent DMs I keep sending to every member of the Baldwin family.
As for the wedding itself? Safe to say it’ll be Christian as hell. It’s been said that Hillsong pastor Carl Lentz will be officiating the ceremony, which makes sense, as both Hailey and Justin are avid devotees of his church. Attending services there, in fact, is what lead to their initial romance.
The location of these nuptials remains to be revealed, with some guessing the West Coast wooded affair that Hailey alluded to in an interview with The Cut last year, and others assuming a tropical destination event because, well, they’re rich as f*ck. As every single person attached to this story has access to a private jet, I’m thinking speculating will get us nowhere.
It goes without saying that this wedding is going to be loaded with celebrities. In one of their initial rounds of planning, 300 invites were allegedly sent out. I’m imaging a My Sweet Sixteen distribution method of gathering all their friends in the parking lot of a high school and then calling out a select few over a bejeweled megaphone. Those were the days, right?
So who amongst Hollywood’s A-List were lucky enough to secure a coveted invite? Oh, just Kylie Jenner (duh), Travis Scott (sure), Chris Brown (gag), and the rest of the Kardashian-Hadid clan, just to name a few. Like, I get that Hailey is drop dead gorgeous and a literal model, but I can’t think of anyone I want near me in my wedding photos less than Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner.
This is a developing story, so stay tuned for further updates on Bieber-Baldwin watch 2019. No, we don’t have anything more important to be doing and yes, I went to journalism school for this.
Images: Giphy (2)
Celebrities are like, so relatable, what with their vacations and skin care routines and day-to-day 9-5 jobs. They totally live in the real world, except when it comes to marriage. Honestly, can you think of any family or friends that have gotten hitched and within a month or less, have called it quits? How about three months? A year? Maybe you can think of like, a few, but hopefully it’s not everyone you know. Quickie marriages in Hollywood, however, are pretty standard, and they’re much more common than you’d think. For instance, who knew Eddie Murphy was on the list of shortest celebrity marriages? Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, of course, are included, but who could forget the 100 or so day marriage of American royalty Kid Rock and Pam Anderson? There are so many brief celebrity marriages we don’t know about, and so many hilarious reasons why these unions lasted about as long as my interest in a story that doesn’t involve me personally.
While this list isn’t all-inclusive of all the shortest celebrity marriages (that I am classifying as ones that ended after less than 130 days), it highlights some of our favorite idiots and their stupid decisions so that we can point, laugh, and judge.
Britney Spears and Jason Alexander: 55 hours
#tbt Britney Spears & Jason Alexander #wedding. So heartbroken over the divorce. Totally thought that was gonna last! pic.twitter.com/ABqViXk9xK
— HappilyEverBorrowed (@Happilyborrowed) March 27, 2014
Lest we forget, Britney had quite the fiasco in Vegas after marrying and, less than three days later, divorcing some dude with the same name as the guy who plays George on Seinfeld. It would have been SIGNIFICANTLY funnier if she had actually married that Jason Alexander, if you ask me.
Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor and Count Felipe de Alba, two old school Hollywood weirdos who were married for one full day, Britney hit us (one more time…sorry) with the shortest celebrity marriage of all time. Congrats, Brit. We knew you were good for something. Back in 2004, Britney and her childhood friend Jason were partying in Vegas when they decided marriage sounded like a GREAT idea (clearly Britney never watched Friends, or she would have known this was a terrible idea). But, after just 55 hours and a metric sh*tload of media coverage, the ceremony was promptly annulled, leaving Brit to marry one Kevin Federline, dancer extraordinaire and human sponge.
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike: 4 days
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike + 5 More Celebrity Couples That Had Shortest Marriages #celebrity #Divorce
See more https://t.co/6PMKub441e pic.twitter.com/gFORcXp6bK
— Nexter.org (@Nexter_org) April 6, 2019
Nicolas Cage gives me night terrors, and apparently leaves his divorce lawyers screaming and in rage blackouts, too. Just a few weeks ago, Cage got himself into the list of shortest celebrity marriages thanks to a four day fiasco with Erika Koike, a makeup artist he’d been dating since April 2018.
My favorite part of this whole thing isn’t the quickie wedding in Vegas on March 23 of this year, or the trip to get it annulled four days later. No, no—it’s that the couple were caught arguing on camera when they went to apply for their marriage license just one week before. According to People, “Cage is heard saying, ‘I’m not doing it’ to Koike as she responds, ‘I never asked you to.’ They received their marriage certificate the same day, court records show.” Nic also made the list back in 2002, when he divorced Lisa Marie Presley after just 107 days of marriage.
Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman: 9 days
1998 called and wants its odd celebrities back. For those of you born in the late ’90s and 2000s, Carmen Electra was our Kim Kardashian, and Dennis Rodman was our Post Malone, but for basketball. You may know him now from his very strange relationship with one Kim Jong Un, also known as that guy trying to blow up America with nukes from North Korea. Are we all following? Grool. Electra and Rodman ended up together in Vegas on November 14, 1998, and right around 7am, decided to say “I do.” Apparently, Rodman had enough time to sober up in the nine days that followed, claimed he was “heavily intoxicated” when he wed Electra, and filed for divorce. Awww, you guys, that’s so sad.
Cher and Gregg Allman: 9 Days
All right, so this is probably before most of our time, but Cher, Native American goddess and reigning queen of gay men everywhere, enjoyed a v quick wedding to none other than Allman Brothers front man, Gregg Allman. Cher had previously been married to Sonny Bono, with whom she’d had a pretty cute (see: very ’70s) television show. She’d also officially divorced him just three days before shacking up with Allman. That’s moving pretty fast, even in Hollywood.
The two got married in Vegas but, just nine days later, Cher realized that Allman had a pretty serious substance abuse problem (in Hollywood? GASP) and filed for divorce. The two ended up reconciling, re-marrying, then divorcing again, because everything has to come full circle, you guys.
Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds: 14 days
Shrek’s Donkey is just as much of a jackass IRL as he is in our favorite kids movies! Edmonds, who, according to Wikipedia, hasn’t made a film since 2011, wed Murphy in a private beach ceremony in 2004 in Bora Bora. Despite the magical island wedding theme, and what I assume were millions of dollars in champagne and flowers, the nuptials got off to a rocky start. According to a source for People magazine, Murphy started yelling at Edmonds in front of guests, making for a somewhat awkward sparkler exit and limo ride back to the hotel.
Apparently, because the wedding was in a foreign country, it wasn’t legally binding. The couple had planned to have a legal ceremony in the U.S. later, but seeing as things were already going south, they called it all off.
Ali Landry and Mario Lopez: 18 days
Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas: 39 days
Drew Barrymore, favorite muse of Broad City‘s Abbi, makes the list for her 1994 marriage to L.A. bartender Jeremy Thomas. If you’re doing the math in your head, then yes, I can confrm that Drew was 19 when she made that choice. Mild yikes. Apparently, it wasn’t a great choice, and she filed for divorce less than two months later. Drew also had a quickie marriage to none other than MTV ’90s darling, Tom Green, which lasted a grand total of 163 days—which is practically a lifetime, I imagine, with Tom f*cking Green.
Kim K and Kris Humphries: 72 days
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock: 122 days
What do you get when you combine a trailer trash boob job with a guy who screams BAWIDABA and campaigns for Trump? A white trash triathlon? NOPE! A wedding between our fav OG Baywatch cast member, Pam Anderson, and upsettingly long-haired manchild, Kid Rock. I like to imagine that this wedding hosted a lot of burlap, mason jars, Confederate flags, screaming eagle decor, and camo. God bless America. All kidding aside, though, these two got hitched on a yacht in 2006, which sounds classy, but, I assure you, it was not in this case—as evidenced by the tiny white bikini and sailor hat instead of traditional wedding garb.
So, why the split between these two? Apparently, there was a fight via phone call which involved Kid Rock (whose real name is Robert Ritchie) not coming to visit Anderson while she was shooting a movie in Vancouver. Why? Because he had floor seats at a Lakers game, obviously. She yelled at him, claimed she had a miscarriage, and hung up the phone. Welp, that escalated quickly. Kid Rock, being the eloquent gentleman he is, quickly flew to see his lady love, only to find her chugging champagne and dancing on tables. Things went downhill from there, and they split soon after, giving us one of the shortest celebrity marriages of all time—and also the trashiest.
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney: 128 Days
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney’s marriage #ThingsThatLastedLongerThanTheMooch @colbertlateshow pic.twitter.com/OUjFz366GO
— Linda Childers (@lindarchilders) July 31, 2017
Am I the only one who didn’t realize this was ever, EVER a thing? Huh. The more you know. But I don’t feel too bad, because even Renee Zellweger forgot she was married to Kenny Chesney! Anyway, according to Insider, “On September 15 2005, Zellweger filed papers citing ‘fraud’ as their reason for separation.” Apparently, claiming fraud led to a lot of speculation about the country singer, mainly in the form of people thinking he was gay. He later went on to deny the rumors, which, to be honest, aren’t really anyone’s damn business. But it’s safe to say that these two have moved on for the better, even if we don’t know exactly what Zellweger was defrauded into…
So that’s the list of shortest celebrity marriages! Do you know anyone whose dumpster fire of a union can top these stories? Comment below!
Images: Getty Images (5); Shutterstock (2); lindarchilders, Nexter_org, Happilyborrowed / Twitter
The winter months are finally behind us, and we are entering into the most beautiful season of the year. Wedding season! There’s almost always an open bar, shrimp cocktail, and the potential you’ll make out with your step-cousin. What’s not to love? In fact, I’m currently looking forward to my brother’s wedding, where, with the help of my unlimited Bar Method membership, I plan on outshining everyone and calling it “Cait’s Big Day.” See! These things are fun!
But I hate to break it to you: no matter how awesome your sorority sister Deborah’s all-inclusive Cabo nuptials were, they were a mere dumpster fire compared to the opulent events that celebrities throw for their weddings . I guess when you made a billion dollars on a sex tape, why not get married in a castle for the publicity to celebrate the third time you found your true love? It doesn’t make a mockery of the sanctity of marriage at all! This year, the main event we’re all waiting for this year is the marriage of the King and Queen of Extra, J.Lo and A-Rod, where I’m sure as a party trick they’ll have Instagram models lighting stacks of hundreds on fire, and serve champagne spiked with liquid gold. But since we don’t know exactly when that’s coming, I’ve decided to take a look back at the most expensive celebrity weddings of all time. Proceed with caution, because these numbers have been known to cause extreme jealousy and even rage blackouts.
1. Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra
You can’t mention extravagant weddings and leave out our most recent gluttonous celebrants, The Hottest Jonas Brother ™ and his Bollywood star bride, Priyanka Chopra. Nick and Priyanka had not one, not two, but THREE wedding ceremonies, all in the hopes of luring Duchess Meghan to just one, but apparently she was busy making Kate Middleton cry or whatever. Kidding! I mean, not kidding about the three weddings, I would never joke about something like that. I’m kidding about them trying to trap Meghan Markle into coming, I’m sure they know she already dropped them faster than ABC dropped Quantico.
One of the weddings (don’t ask me which one, I’m already exhausted from this story and I have numerous disgustingly ostentatious weddings to go), took place at the Umaid Bahwan Palace, a royal palace-turned-hotel in India, which costs $60,000 a night. They also put on a fireworks display and wore custom Ralph Lauren designed outfits. I know you’re wondering, “Did poor Nick Jonas have to spend all his Camp Rock money on this wedding?” and the answer is a resounding NO! Thankfully, our lovely couple got practically the whole thing covered by sponsorships including Tiffany & Co, Longchamp, and Elit Vodka. I hope you all are able to get sponsors for you own weddings, because is it even true love if you aren’t getting paid for it?
2. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
TBH I totally forgot Kris Humphries existed until last week, when he decided it was important to let the world know he is the proud owner of a Five Guys franchise. Congrats! This revelation really just made me hungry, but it also got him into this story, so I guess he can call it a win?
In case you also forgot about Kris, let me refresh your memory. His wedding to Kim reportedly cost $10 million, $20K of which was spent on the cake that they all enjoyed, and then they immediately went to their plastic surgeon and had the fat the cake left on their waistline injected into their asses. I’m just speculating, but we all know it’s plausible. This wedding is especially fun because it involves math! If you spent $10 million on a wedding that last 72 days, how much did that cost you per day? Probably more than Kris’s Five Guys franchise will ever take in, that’s for sure. (It’s actually $138,888.88 per day, if you’re seriously curious).
3. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
After Kris Humphries, Kim decided she needed a more famous husband fell in love with longtime friend Kanye West. So, in typical girl-with-no-shame fashion, she decided to throw yet another obscenely expensive wedding.
Kim and Kanye got married in Italy at the Forte di Belvedere, which cost over $300,000 to rent. There was a performance from Andrea Bocelli, and her gown was Givenchy Haute Couture. Okay, now listen hard, because this is the only nice thing I’m ever going to say about Kim Kardashian: I kind of liked her dress. Now excuse me while I go burst into flames. Anyway, the lovely couple was married amongst their friends and family, except for Rob, who deemed himself too fat to attend. If only we could all use that excuse Rob, IF ONLY. When all was said and done, the event cost around $2.8 million, according to E! Online. That sounds atrocious, but TBH the cost per day is WAY less than her wedding to Kris Humphries, so it was practically a bargain.
4. George and Amal Clooney
When the ultimate bachelor announced his engagement, the world was stunned. Everyone thought that George would grow old with his motorcycle and Max, his potbellied pig. But he gave it all up to eventually run for office marry a gorgeous British human rights attorney. Fine, if you had to settle, George, I guess she’ll do.
The pair got married in Venice, with their A-list guests arriving by boat and looking every bit the movie stars they are. Everyone stayed in Cipriani hotel suites that cost a reported $3 million, and George looked dapper in his Giorgio Armani tux, while Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, which she showed off on the cover of People magazine. The whole event cost over $4.5 million, and that doesn’t even include all the Casamigos Tequila that I’m sure George provided at no cost.
5. Prince William and Kate Middleton
Finally, we get to the royalty! The parents of the most badass member of the monarchy, Prince George, got married on April 29, 2011. Their wedding is unique because most things didn’t actually cost money. The castle for the reception? Oh no biggie, they own it. The tiara? A loaner from the Queen’s personal collection. Kate’s makeup? Oh, the future Queen consort will do it herself, thanks. So why the f*ck did this wedding cost a reported $34 million? SECURITY. That’s right! A whopping $32 million was spent to keep this event secure. And I guess it was worth it? All members of the royal family (as well as Pippa’s iconic backside) survived the event and have lived on to bless the world with their beautiful offspring, mediocre fashion, and petty family fights.
So there you have it, all the
sh*t celebrities waste money on for marriages that probably won’t last most expensive celebrity weddings. I wish there had been more circus performances and puppies serving appetizers to report on, but if that happened, no one is telling me. Fingers crossed J.Lo will do it!
Images: Giphy (2); priyankachopra, kimkardashian, about_clooneys, katemiddletonphotos/Instagram
In case you missed it, a Christmas miracle took place last weekend, and I’m not even talking about my mother uttering the words “you were right” in my presence. No, last weekend Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth GOT MARRIED in a private ceremony held in their Nashville home. That’s right, the woman who made twerking a national pastime and the second-hottest Hemsworth brother are married. Are you squealing yet? BECAUSE I AM SQUEALING. I don’t know about you, but I’d say this is definitive proof that
love is real you can get your ex back after miming a sex act during your VMAs performance and it’s a win for me, personally delusional girls all over the world.
Now, if you’ll recall, the couple met in 2009 on the set of The Last Song, way back when Miley had brown hair and was still legally allowed to associate with the Disney Channel. Ah, simpler times. They first got engaged in 2012, before calling it off a year later so Miley could
have her space to grow as a person go through that wild phase.
Sure, Jan. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.
But they reconnected in 2015 and seemed to be really happy, despite the fact that it made her new music only subpar. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Personally, I’ve been rooting for these two for a long time. And I’m not just saying that because after a drinking a bottle of moscato I used to drunk dial my ex and belt “Wrecking Ball” into his voicemail box. No, I’m genuinely rooting for Miley and Liam as only a complete stranger with no personal or emotional ties to them can. And now they’re married!! So to celebrate the occasion, I thought it would be fun to revisit her exes in what I like to call “Thank U, Next: The Miley Cyrus Edition.” Let’s get started, shall we?
6. Justin Gaston
If you’re wondering who this person is, you’re not alone, because I had to Google him as well. According to his IMDB page his greatest claim to fame is playing Romeo in Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” music video. So basically he’s about as relevant as my Juicy tracksuit Plato’s Closet passed on last weekend. They dated for about nine months when Miley was 15, and broke up right before she went to film The Last Song. Some say they broke up because she rekindled her friendship with Nick Jonas, and I guess 20 year old Justin felt threatened by a 14-year-old boy with a straightening iron, but I think it’s because she realized he was going about as far as Nashville’s Broad Street. Last place for you, Justin.
5. Patrick Schwarzenegger
After Miley called off her engagement to Liam, she dated Patrick Schwarzenegger for about five months and, honestly, it’s a solid rebound. The boy is fiiiine in, like, a preppy, rich kid who will definitely keep your nudes for revenge porn kind of way. So snaps for you, Miley. They broke up after photos surfaced of Patrick hanging out with his ex, which feels very on brand for him personally. He gets fifth place because
he reminds me of my ex while he’s p attractive he’s also probably a piece of sh*t and I’m not tolerating a**holes for one more godd*mn minute in 2018.
4. Stella Maxwell
I have nothing to say about this relationship mostly because I don’t think there was a relationship. There were rumors that Miley and Stella Maxwell were dating in 2015 because they made out a few times in public but, like, what’s your point? If I had to formally acknowledge every person I make out with I would legit need witness protection. Nah, I’m not buying it. This was also the year that Miley and Liam reconnected, so let’s call this what it is: too many vodka crans. Next.
3. Dylan Sprouse
Lol. I know, right? According to Popsugar the two dated for “a day when they were 11 or 12” and a day is all it takes for me to be jealous of any b*tch lucky enough to date a Sprouse. For those of you who read my Riverdale recaps, you know The CW has been making me feel things about a Sprouse that is legit making me question my mental health. And even though Miley only dated the twin whose most successful business venture since The Suite Life has been opening a “meadery” in Williamsburg, I’m still ridiculously jealous.
2. Liam Hemsworth
Technically, Liam was her ex at some point so he makes the list. He’s not number one because although I root for him, there’s someone else who tops the list. SORRY NOT SORRY. Which brings us to my favorite Miley ex…
1. Nick Jonas
Nick f*cking Jonas. That’s right, people, I still stan this relationship and I will stan this relationship until either one of them releases a song that’s better than “Before The Storm.” I’m sorry but “Standing out in the rain /Need to know if it’s over /Flooded with all this pain /Knowing that I’ll never hold her /Like I did before the storm”?? F*cking iconic. I don’t care that Nick gave his purity ring to Priyanka Chopra or that Miley and Liam have been together for ten years, 14 year old me is still hoping Disney will pull
rank their contracts out and make them contractually obligated to write another teenage love ballad. PLEASE IT’S ALL I ASK FOR.
But, like, every happiness to you and Liam, Miley!
Images: Giphy (3); @mileymileys /Instagram (1)
I don’t know about you, but I love trashy weddings. They make me feel so much better about being single. I get to sit on the sidelines, laughing at how f*cked those marriages are from the get-go. Is that “healthy” and “emotionally intelligent”’of me? No, but you’re not my shrink and she and I have a whole boatload of other issues of mine to tackle before we address why I shame people for their doomed relationships. Anyway, here are some of the trashiest celebrity weddings of all time. And fun fact: more than half of these weddings also have leaked sex tapes. Not really material to the article, I just thought it was an interesting correlation.
1. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Britney famously got married in Las Vegas to some high school friend of hers, and she somehow managed to get trashier than that at her next wedding. How, you wonder? She married Kevin Federline. Between the pregnant baby mama he had on the side when he first met Brit and the way-too-hasty of a courtship, this couple was fated to have a trashy wedding. The bride and groom parties each had their own Juicy Couture sweatsuits custom made for them. Sure, they were as cool at the time as those one piece bachelorette party swimsuits from Private Party are now, but trust us, it gets worse.
Britney’s bridal squad’s suits were baby pink and encrusted with diamonds, while she donned an all-white tube top tracksuit that looked as low-rent as her wedding dress. Kevin and his party wore Juicy Couture sweatsuits as well, but they had “PIMP” embroidered on the back. Except for Kevin’s dad—he had “PIMP DADDY” on his. Oh, and the worst part? This was a surprise wedding. Britney and Kevin invited heir guests under the guise that they were attending an engagement party and the invitees were probably like, “oh, we’ll go because we know they’ll never make it to the altar.” But it turns out they were actually AT the wedding itself, so they were probably so caught off guard no one could scream “I object!”
Maybe I’m being overdramatic (okay, I’m always being overdramatic), but Britney’s first wedding at Las Vegas’ Little White Chapel is looking like some Nicholas Sparks-level sh*t compared to this shindig.
2. Scheana Marie and Mike Shay
How can we forget when Scheana wanted to put the “ass” in class and insisted on having a wedding dress that she could twerk in for her first dance with her husband? What an iconic cultural touchstone. Scheana is also the only girl I can think of to ever have a crop top wedding dress.
Aside from the crop top dress, Scheana’s wedding has something else in common with your trashy cousin’s wedding: someone got punched in the face. And of course, that douchebag was James Kennedy. James Kennedy getting punched in the face isn’t even the trashiest part. The trashiest part was Scheana adorning her apartment with giant blown-up photographs of her and Shay from the wedding. Pretty sure she still has the ones of just her hung up in her apartment.
3. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
Okay, rumors swirling that you got married for fame alone makes for a trashy wedding. But for the record, I strongly disagree with this allegation. If a guy who is 6’9” proposes to you, you 10000000% say yes. This hot mess of a marriage ended quicker than my almond milk expires. The only good thing about this wedding is that it put ten million dollars back into the economy. And people think Kim’s selfish?
4. Pamela Anderson’s Weddings
Fun fact: Pamela Anderson got married in a bikini. Twice. I can’t even get my picture taken in a bikini without doing a kegstand of FitTea and crying to detox myself of any water weight before I FaceTune the sh*t out of my stomach, so you go girl! Pamela first married Tommy Lee…96 hours after they met. Did we mention he met her when he was high on ecstasy? But who are we to judge? I’ll probably meet my future husband when I’m blacked out from vodka sodas. Anyway. Pam and Tommy got married in Cancun. That’s like, Cabo’s deadbeat cousin, so that in and of itself is a warning sign. That marriage *shockingly* ended after two children, a leaked sex tape, a prison sentence, and a shared diagnosis of Hepatitis.
So Pamela went on to marry Kid Rock. I know what you’re thinking: who would find Kid Rock attractive? Not even female Kid Rock megafans find Kid Rock sexually attractive, probably because the only men they find attractive are their first cousins. But I digress. Pam and Kid Rock got married on a yacht in Saint Tropez ,which is classy until you factor in that A) Pam was wearing a bikini, B) Kid Rock was wearing a white V-neck and a Detroit Tigers baseball hat, and C) Kid Rock’s website said they were “registered at Wal-Mart.” I honestly need to bleach my brain after reading this.
5. Emily Ratajkowski and Sebastian Bear-McClard
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Instagram famous Emily married trust fund dumpster baby Sebastian Bear McClean in what has to be the most underwhelming wedding of all time. Legit, if you scroll through these people’s respective Instagram’s, they both look aggressively bored. Emily wore a mustard suit from Zara to their nuptials, held at a New York courthouse after a quickie engagement. Like, if you have that in common with Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, your marriage is already doomed.
6. David and Victoria Beckham
You’ve seen her fashion sense. You’ve seen his bulge in underwear ads. So it hurts my cold, dead heart to say that these two had a trashy wedding. They wore coordinating outfits. Twice. First, Victoria wore a white Vera Wang gown, as per celebutante tradition, but then David was like “hey! I’ll wear an all-white tux and we’ll be twinsies!” (I paraphrase.) David, a word to the wise: when you marry a member of one of the most iconic girl pop groups of all time, try not to look like a Backstreet Boy reject.
It gets worse. During their send-off, they wore coordinating all-purple outfits. Just because you two probably share hair and makeup products, doesn’t mean you should share the same outfits. That Laura Ashley sh*t wasn’t cute when our moms forced us to do it for our Christmas card pics, so why would it work for your wedding?
Oh, and they cut their wedding cake with a sword. A SWORD. And this woman is supposed to be a tastemaker in the fashion world. Send help.
Images: Giphy (4); Instagram (emrata), (victoriabeckham)
I actually can’t believe I’m typing this right now, but Amy Schumer is married. Like, there was a wedding and people came and now she has a husband. I need to say it again: Amy Schumer is married. Sorry, I’m still working on collecting my thoughts, as you can tell. While we’re still living our trash lives like her character in Trainwreck, Amy tied the knot on Tuesday with Chris Fischer in Malibu. If you didn’t even realize she was in a relationship, join the club.
The wedding came just three days after the first public confirmation of their relationship, when Amy posted a picture of the two of them kissing on Instagram. The photo was most likely taken at Ellen DeGeneres’ 60th birthday party, which I really feel like I should’ve been invited to, but whatever. Amy and Chris have only ever been seen in public together twice, once at a dinner last fall, and once in January when they attended a taping of Saturday Night Live. Basically, they did the relationship version of how Kylie did her pregnancy: super secret, with no social media, and then BAM. Amy was previously dating Ben Hanisch, who she met on a dating app. So basically, you won’t marry the dude from Tinder, but you might marry the dude after the dude from Tinder.
So because we’ve had so little time to get oriented, here are five important things to know about Chris Fischer, the guy Amy Schumer is married to. (Still sounds weird.)
1. He’s A Chef And Cookbook Author
Tbh Amy might only be with him for his cooking. He won a James Beard Award (like, super prestigious) for his cookbook The Beetlebung Farm Cookbook: A Year of Cooking on Martha’s Vineyard, which sounds bougie AF and we’re into it. This is 2018, so it’s only right that a man cooks for a woman every once in a while. Or all the time #gendereequality.
2. He Grew Up On Martha’s Vineyard
Is it just us, or does growing up on a tiny island 100 miles off the coast of Massachusetts have to mess you up in some way? Chris’ family has been living on the Vineyard for 12 generations, and I’m no genealogist but that has to be what, like 1,000 years? I really just need to know, does this Vineyard have a lot of wine?
3. The Obamas Love His Restaurant
Fischer’s restaurant Beach Plum is located on Martha’s Vineyard, and it’s attracted attention from some pretty A-list guests. The Obamas are reported to be repeat customers, so like, goals. If we’re ever just casually on Martha’s Vineyard, we’ll make sure to stop by and hopefully catch a glimpse of Amy digging for clams out back.
4. His Sister Is Amy’s Assistant
Reportedly, Amy Schumer’s personal assistant is Chris’s sister, which probably explains how they initially met. Okay, but isn’t that weird? Like, is this poor girl responsible for scheduling their date nights? Does she see all their emails? It’s like kind of cute that they met that way, but his sister is probably trying to get the fuck out.
5. He’s A Crazy Family Person
Be prepared for Amy to have like, six to nine children, because Chris is definitely a big family kind of guy. He has said that growing up, it wasn’t uncommon for as many as FORTY family members to gather for a normal lunch. Like, please pause for a second and think about that. I barely have 40 people I would ever eat lunch with, let alone 40 people that I’m actually related to that are all in the same room at the same time. My mind is blown. His family also had a set dinner time at 6:30 every night, which is just a little too stable for me. Where are his daddy issues??
So like we obviously wish Amy and Chris the best with their marriage, even though it’s extremely rude that they didn’t give us more advance notice. Next time, please just send us a save the date! And also an invitation, and a plane ticket to wherever the wedding is, and a hotel room, and yes we will be crashing the wedding.
Images: Shutterstock; @amyschumer / Instagram; Giphy (5)