It feels like 2019 was the year of celebrity weddings. Every time we scrolled through our Instagram feeds we were inundated with the biggest stars in gorgeous gowns, over-the-top cakes and breathtaking venues. With so many bashes it’s too difficult to pick a top 10, or even a top 20, so instead we decided to hand out superlatives, high school style.
Fastest Engagement: Chris Lane & Lauren Bushnell
Country singer Chris Lane and The Bachelor alum Lauren Bushnell got engaged in Lane’s parents’ backyard in Oregon in June and were married in Nashville at the end of October. An engagement this fast might cause the average bride to quite literally die from stress, but when you’re a celebrity, a four-month planning cycle somehow results in a stress-free, flawless wedding that would take us average people a solid year and a half to plan. If you, like Chris and Lauren, want a shorter engagement, keep your guest list short, buy a dress at a sample sale, and be prepared to be flexible when it comes to location, since most venues will already be booked. All we can say is GOOD LUCK.
Best Guest List: Justin Bieber & Hailey Baldwin
The Biebers tied the knot for the second time at a luxury resort in South Carolina on September 30th. They first got married in New York last fall in a civil ceremony, and they really outdid themselves the second time around. Their wedding guest list was basically a who’s who of Hollywood’s hottest stars, which included Kendall and Kylie Jenner, Usher, Jaden Smith, Joan Smalls, Dan + Shay, Justine Skye, Kris Jenner, and Corey Gamble, among others. If you’re hoping a famous celeb shows up to your wedding, there’s not much in the way of advice we can give you. You may have to settle for a Cameo shout-out from your favorite reality star instead.
Best Documented: Ashley Iaconetti & Jared Haibon
This is pretty much the only celebrity wedding where we don’t find ourselves saying, “I wish I was there” because honestly, we basically were. Between the tons of publicity given to them by People (even their effing rehearsal dinner photos were published) and the overload of Instagram stories posted by fellow Bachelor alums, we can confidently say we know everything about Jared and Ashley’s wedding weekend in Newport, Rhode Island. We know we’re not the only ones who spent their whole Saturday evening watching the live social media streams. Anyone else feel hungover the next day? If you want to relive every second of the magic that is your wedding day, encourage your guests to post on their Instagram stories and use your hashtag. You’ll be more than happy to see a replay of the big day on your social media feed the next day.
Best Dress: Katherine Schwarzenegger
On the red carpet, all eyes are usually on Chris Pratt, but when Katherine Schwarzenegger posted a dreamy photo of her and her new hubby, it was the jaw-drop heard around the world. The bride looked drop-dead gorg in a custom-made form-fitting gown from Giorgio Armani. The lace column gown featured a full skirt that turned into a long train. The bride brought old and new together when she paired a short veil with her mother Maria Shriver’s tulle one. The fit was flawless and left brides-to-be around the country wondering how the f*ck she got that body. If you’re looking to replicate this on your wedding day, opt for something lacy and body-hugging to show off your natural curves. And maybe don’t look at pictures of Katherine Schwarzenegger on the morning of your wedding, unless you’re a masochist.
Best Venue: Miles Teller & Keleigh Sperry
The longtime couple got hitched in Maui, Hawaii in September. They exchanged vows in a local church and held their reception outside overlooking the pristine Hawaiian ocean, creating a picture-perfect event. We can’t say we’re surprised they chose such a spectacular location after the proposal took place during a safari trip in South Africa. All we can wonder is, where TF are these crazy kids going to go next? If you want a destination wedding that’s half as glam as theirs, think about a favorite vacation spot or somewhere that’s relatively easy to travel to (if you want a larger guest list). Just keep in mind, a destination wedding usually means less guests will be able to make it (but maybe that’s a good thing).
Best Officiant: Brittany Cartwright & Jax Taylor
Brittany and Jax got married in a lavish ceremony at a majestic castle in Versailles, Kentucky. And then, to top it all off, Lance f*cking Bass married them. Apparently he was their back-up because their first choice, LVP, couldn’t make it (which is true blasphemy, in what world is Lance Bass a back-up anything?). To top it off, he graced guests with his presence on the dance floor during “Bye, Bye, Bye” and made everyone’s childhood dreams come true. Want a celebrity officiant? Who knows, maybe Jax and Brittany inspired him to launch the next phase of his career as an officiant! One can dream, right?
Most “I Could Never Pull That Off” Wedding: Zoë Kravitz and Karl Glusman
When it comes to celebrity fashion, we often find ourselves saying, “Wtf are they wearing?” Or, “I could never pull that off.” And when it came to Zoe Kravitz and Karl Glusman’s Parisian wedding this past July, we once again found ourselves thinking the same thing. I mean, the girl showed up to her rehearsal dinner in bridal biker shorts for God’s sake, which she wore under a custom-made see-through net dress, obviously. On the day of the wedding the couple sported matching leather jackets, which had a sketch of one another on the one they wore. And of course, they posted absolutely no photos of any of it. Talk about a wedding that was too cool for us peasants to achieve. If you’re feeling the urge to go rogue and rock bike shorts and leather on your wedding day, why the hell not? Rules are made to be broken.
Most Improved: Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner
From an impromptu wedding in Vegas the night after the Billboard Music Awards officiated by an Elvis impersonator and captured by Diplo, to an elegant and romantic affair at a French chateau, there’s no doubt this couple wins the award for most improved wedding. When they first exchanged vows at The Little White Chapel in May, Sophie wore a silk jumpsuit and the couple posed for photos on the hood of a hot pink car. These spontaneous nuptials felt lightyears away when images of their wedding in France were released and Sophie was outfitted in a traditional lace long-sleeve gown with a delicate veil. We have to admit, we kind of love this idea of having both an impromptu party and a more planned out, traditional one. If you’re torn between two styles—why not go for both?
Images: Getty Images; laurenlane, haileybieber, ashleyiaconetti, katherineschwarzenegger, keleigh_sperry, brittany, sophiet / Instagram
Celebrities are like, so relatable, what with their vacations and skin care routines and day-to-day 9-5 jobs. They totally live in the real world, except when it comes to marriage. Honestly, can you think of any family or friends that have gotten hitched and within a month or less, have called it quits? How about three months? A year? Maybe you can think of like, a few, but hopefully it’s not everyone you know. Quickie marriages in Hollywood, however, are pretty standard, and they’re much more common than you’d think. For instance, who knew Eddie Murphy was on the list of shortest celebrity marriages? Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, of course, are included, but who could forget the 100 or so day marriage of American royalty Kid Rock and Pam Anderson? There are so many brief celebrity marriages we don’t know about, and so many hilarious reasons why these unions lasted about as long as my interest in a story that doesn’t involve me personally.
While this list isn’t all-inclusive of all the shortest celebrity marriages (that I am classifying as ones that ended after less than 130 days), it highlights some of our favorite idiots and their stupid decisions so that we can point, laugh, and judge.
Britney Spears and Jason Alexander: 55 hours
#tbt Britney Spears & Jason Alexander #wedding. So heartbroken over the divorce. Totally thought that was gonna last! pic.twitter.com/ABqViXk9xK
— HappilyEverBorrowed (@Happilyborrowed) March 27, 2014
Lest we forget, Britney had quite the fiasco in Vegas after marrying and, less than three days later, divorcing some dude with the same name as the guy who plays George on Seinfeld. It would have been SIGNIFICANTLY funnier if she had actually married that Jason Alexander, if you ask me.
Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor and Count Felipe de Alba, two old school Hollywood weirdos who were married for one full day, Britney hit us (one more time…sorry) with the shortest celebrity marriage of all time. Congrats, Brit. We knew you were good for something. Back in 2004, Britney and her childhood friend Jason were partying in Vegas when they decided marriage sounded like a GREAT idea (clearly Britney never watched Friends, or she would have known this was a terrible idea). But, after just 55 hours and a metric sh*tload of media coverage, the ceremony was promptly annulled, leaving Brit to marry one Kevin Federline, dancer extraordinaire and human sponge.
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike: 4 days
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike + 5 More Celebrity Couples That Had Shortest Marriages #celebrity #Divorce
See more https://t.co/6PMKub441e pic.twitter.com/gFORcXp6bK
— Nexter.org (@Nexter_org) April 6, 2019
Nicolas Cage gives me night terrors, and apparently leaves his divorce lawyers screaming and in rage blackouts, too. Just a few weeks ago, Cage got himself into the list of shortest celebrity marriages thanks to a four day fiasco with Erika Koike, a makeup artist he’d been dating since April 2018.
My favorite part of this whole thing isn’t the quickie wedding in Vegas on March 23 of this year, or the trip to get it annulled four days later. No, no—it’s that the couple were caught arguing on camera when they went to apply for their marriage license just one week before. According to People, “Cage is heard saying, ‘I’m not doing it’ to Koike as she responds, ‘I never asked you to.’ They received their marriage certificate the same day, court records show.” Nic also made the list back in 2002, when he divorced Lisa Marie Presley after just 107 days of marriage.
Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman: 9 days
1998 called and wants its odd celebrities back. For those of you born in the late ’90s and 2000s, Carmen Electra was our Kim Kardashian, and Dennis Rodman was our Post Malone, but for basketball. You may know him now from his very strange relationship with one Kim Jong Un, also known as that guy trying to blow up America with nukes from North Korea. Are we all following? Grool. Electra and Rodman ended up together in Vegas on November 14, 1998, and right around 7am, decided to say “I do.” Apparently, Rodman had enough time to sober up in the nine days that followed, claimed he was “heavily intoxicated” when he wed Electra, and filed for divorce. Awww, you guys, that’s so sad.
Cher and Gregg Allman: 9 Days
All right, so this is probably before most of our time, but Cher, Native American goddess and reigning queen of gay men everywhere, enjoyed a v quick wedding to none other than Allman Brothers front man, Gregg Allman. Cher had previously been married to Sonny Bono, with whom she’d had a pretty cute (see: very ’70s) television show. She’d also officially divorced him just three days before shacking up with Allman. That’s moving pretty fast, even in Hollywood.
The two got married in Vegas but, just nine days later, Cher realized that Allman had a pretty serious substance abuse problem (in Hollywood? GASP) and filed for divorce. The two ended up reconciling, re-marrying, then divorcing again, because everything has to come full circle, you guys.
Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds: 14 days
Shrek’s Donkey is just as much of a jackass IRL as he is in our favorite kids movies! Edmonds, who, according to Wikipedia, hasn’t made a film since 2011, wed Murphy in a private beach ceremony in 2004 in Bora Bora. Despite the magical island wedding theme, and what I assume were millions of dollars in champagne and flowers, the nuptials got off to a rocky start. According to a source for People magazine, Murphy started yelling at Edmonds in front of guests, making for a somewhat awkward sparkler exit and limo ride back to the hotel.
Apparently, because the wedding was in a foreign country, it wasn’t legally binding. The couple had planned to have a legal ceremony in the U.S. later, but seeing as things were already going south, they called it all off.
Ali Landry and Mario Lopez: 18 days
Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas: 39 days
Drew Barrymore, favorite muse of Broad City‘s Abbi, makes the list for her 1994 marriage to L.A. bartender Jeremy Thomas. If you’re doing the math in your head, then yes, I can confrm that Drew was 19 when she made that choice. Mild yikes. Apparently, it wasn’t a great choice, and she filed for divorce less than two months later. Drew also had a quickie marriage to none other than MTV ’90s darling, Tom Green, which lasted a grand total of 163 days—which is practically a lifetime, I imagine, with Tom f*cking Green.
Kim K and Kris Humphries: 72 days
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock: 122 days
What do you get when you combine a trailer trash boob job with a guy who screams BAWIDABA and campaigns for Trump? A white trash triathlon? NOPE! A wedding between our fav OG Baywatch cast member, Pam Anderson, and upsettingly long-haired manchild, Kid Rock. I like to imagine that this wedding hosted a lot of burlap, mason jars, Confederate flags, screaming eagle decor, and camo. God bless America. All kidding aside, though, these two got hitched on a yacht in 2006, which sounds classy, but, I assure you, it was not in this case—as evidenced by the tiny white bikini and sailor hat instead of traditional wedding garb.
So, why the split between these two? Apparently, there was a fight via phone call which involved Kid Rock (whose real name is Robert Ritchie) not coming to visit Anderson while she was shooting a movie in Vancouver. Why? Because he had floor seats at a Lakers game, obviously. She yelled at him, claimed she had a miscarriage, and hung up the phone. Welp, that escalated quickly. Kid Rock, being the eloquent gentleman he is, quickly flew to see his lady love, only to find her chugging champagne and dancing on tables. Things went downhill from there, and they split soon after, giving us one of the shortest celebrity marriages of all time—and also the trashiest.
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney: 128 Days
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney’s marriage #ThingsThatLastedLongerThanTheMooch @colbertlateshow pic.twitter.com/OUjFz366GO
— Linda Childers (@lindarchilders) July 31, 2017
Am I the only one who didn’t realize this was ever, EVER a thing? Huh. The more you know. But I don’t feel too bad, because even Renee Zellweger forgot she was married to Kenny Chesney! Anyway, according to Insider, “On September 15 2005, Zellweger filed papers citing ‘fraud’ as their reason for separation.” Apparently, claiming fraud led to a lot of speculation about the country singer, mainly in the form of people thinking he was gay. He later went on to deny the rumors, which, to be honest, aren’t really anyone’s damn business. But it’s safe to say that these two have moved on for the better, even if we don’t know exactly what Zellweger was defrauded into…
So that’s the list of shortest celebrity marriages! Do you know anyone whose dumpster fire of a union can top these stories? Comment below!
Images: Getty Images (5); Shutterstock (2); lindarchilders, Nexter_org, Happilyborrowed / Twitter
I don’t know about you, but I love trashy weddings. They make me feel so much better about being single. I get to sit on the sidelines, laughing at how f*cked those marriages are from the get-go. Is that “healthy” and “emotionally intelligent”’of me? No, but you’re not my shrink and she and I have a whole boatload of other issues of mine to tackle before we address why I shame people for their doomed relationships. Anyway, here are some of the trashiest celebrity weddings of all time. And fun fact: more than half of these weddings also have leaked sex tapes. Not really material to the article, I just thought it was an interesting correlation.
1. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Britney famously got married in Las Vegas to some high school friend of hers, and she somehow managed to get trashier than that at her next wedding. How, you wonder? She married Kevin Federline. Between the pregnant baby mama he had on the side when he first met Brit and the way-too-hasty of a courtship, this couple was fated to have a trashy wedding. The bride and groom parties each had their own Juicy Couture sweatsuits custom made for them. Sure, they were as cool at the time as those one piece bachelorette party swimsuits from Private Party are now, but trust us, it gets worse.
Britney’s bridal squad’s suits were baby pink and encrusted with diamonds, while she donned an all-white tube top tracksuit that looked as low-rent as her wedding dress. Kevin and his party wore Juicy Couture sweatsuits as well, but they had “PIMP” embroidered on the back. Except for Kevin’s dad—he had “PIMP DADDY” on his. Oh, and the worst part? This was a surprise wedding. Britney and Kevin invited heir guests under the guise that they were attending an engagement party and the invitees were probably like, “oh, we’ll go because we know they’ll never make it to the altar.” But it turns out they were actually AT the wedding itself, so they were probably so caught off guard no one could scream “I object!”
Maybe I’m being overdramatic (okay, I’m always being overdramatic), but Britney’s first wedding at Las Vegas’ Little White Chapel is looking like some Nicholas Sparks-level sh*t compared to this shindig.
2. Scheana Marie and Mike Shay
How can we forget when Scheana wanted to put the “ass” in class and insisted on having a wedding dress that she could twerk in for her first dance with her husband? What an iconic cultural touchstone. Scheana is also the only girl I can think of to ever have a crop top wedding dress.
Aside from the crop top dress, Scheana’s wedding has something else in common with your trashy cousin’s wedding: someone got punched in the face. And of course, that douchebag was James Kennedy. James Kennedy getting punched in the face isn’t even the trashiest part. The trashiest part was Scheana adorning her apartment with giant blown-up photographs of her and Shay from the wedding. Pretty sure she still has the ones of just her hung up in her apartment.
3. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
Okay, rumors swirling that you got married for fame alone makes for a trashy wedding. But for the record, I strongly disagree with this allegation. If a guy who is 6’9” proposes to you, you 10000000% say yes. This hot mess of a marriage ended quicker than my almond milk expires. The only good thing about this wedding is that it put ten million dollars back into the economy. And people think Kim’s selfish?
4. Pamela Anderson’s Weddings
Fun fact: Pamela Anderson got married in a bikini. Twice. I can’t even get my picture taken in a bikini without doing a kegstand of FitTea and crying to detox myself of any water weight before I FaceTune the sh*t out of my stomach, so you go girl! Pamela first married Tommy Lee…96 hours after they met. Did we mention he met her when he was high on ecstasy? But who are we to judge? I’ll probably meet my future husband when I’m blacked out from vodka sodas. Anyway. Pam and Tommy got married in Cancun. That’s like, Cabo’s deadbeat cousin, so that in and of itself is a warning sign. That marriage *shockingly* ended after two children, a leaked sex tape, a prison sentence, and a shared diagnosis of Hepatitis.
So Pamela went on to marry Kid Rock. I know what you’re thinking: who would find Kid Rock attractive? Not even female Kid Rock megafans find Kid Rock sexually attractive, probably because the only men they find attractive are their first cousins. But I digress. Pam and Kid Rock got married on a yacht in Saint Tropez ,which is classy until you factor in that A) Pam was wearing a bikini, B) Kid Rock was wearing a white V-neck and a Detroit Tigers baseball hat, and C) Kid Rock’s website said they were “registered at Wal-Mart.” I honestly need to bleach my brain after reading this.
5. Emily Ratajkowski and Sebastian Bear-McClard
Instagram famous Emily married trust fund dumpster baby Sebastian Bear McClean in what has to be the most underwhelming wedding of all time. Legit, if you scroll through these people’s respective Instagram’s, they both look aggressively bored. Emily wore a mustard suit from Zara to their nuptials, held at a New York courthouse after a quickie engagement. Like, if you have that in common with Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, your marriage is already doomed.
6. David and Victoria Beckham
You’ve seen her fashion sense. You’ve seen his bulge in underwear ads. So it hurts my cold, dead heart to say that these two had a trashy wedding. They wore coordinating outfits. Twice. First, Victoria wore a white Vera Wang gown, as per celebutante tradition, but then David was like “hey! I’ll wear an all-white tux and we’ll be twinsies!” (I paraphrase.) David, a word to the wise: when you marry a member of one of the most iconic girl pop groups of all time, try not to look like a Backstreet Boy reject.
It gets worse. During their send-off, they wore coordinating all-purple outfits. Just because you two probably share hair and makeup products, doesn’t mean you should share the same outfits. That Laura Ashley sh*t wasn’t cute when our moms forced us to do it for our Christmas card pics, so why would it work for your wedding?
Oh, and they cut their wedding cake with a sword. A SWORD. And this woman is supposed to be a tastemaker in the fashion world. Send help.
Images: Giphy (4); Instagram (emrata), (victoriabeckham)
Over the weekend, shady country hottie/ex-college football player Sam Hunt got married to his longtime girlfriend Hannah Lee Fowler, who you’ll probably recognize as the girl from literally all of his songs. According to Wikipedia they’ve been together on and off since 2008, so there’s got to be enough material there for at least three more albums. Sam is pretty hot, but honestly Hannah is pretty basic looking, and she dyes her hair way too dark for her complexion. Fix that, your husband is fucking famous honey. Her dress also had these weird shoulder straps that kind of look like toilet paper, so we’re not sure where the taste level was for this wedding.
They got married in the middle of nowhere some place in Georgia, which sounds…charming? The venue is called “In the Woods,” and it basically looks like a glorified cabin, which is totally where our dream wedding will be. There were about 150 guests, but apparently there weren’t any fun country music celebrities invited so on the whole we’re pretty disappointed. Like, you couldn’t even get Carrie Underwood to throw on a sparkly minidress and sing at the reception? Do better, Sam.
Hannah basically seems like a rando, so here’s what we know about her from his songs:
– She’s got a body like a back road (whatever that means)
– She has a lot of shoes but she’s basically always barefoot (ew)
– She can’t drive out to the place they used to get peaches out in Pelham (just get your peaches at Whole Foods jfc)
– She takes super long baths (groundbreaking)
– He calls her “Hannah Lee” because it’s the South
Most of that info is from his song “Drinkin’ Too Much,” which is a weird half-rap that’s totally about them breaking up, but it only came out a few months ago so we’re very confused. We’re not sure how people do things in Georgia, but hopefully he at least had to buy her something really nice to win her back.
Hey Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl may have ended over four years ago (okay we’re fucking old), but Penn Badgley will always be Lonely Boy in our eyes. Dan may have married Serena in the finale, but this weekend he got married in real life. That’s right, Lonely Boy has finally found love. After Blake Lively dumped him and ended up marrying Ryan Reynolds, we feared there was no hope for him, but it seems like everything worked out okay.
The 2000s Teen Dramas That Defined Our Youth
Penn’s wife is the sister of Jessa from Girls, and her name is Domino Kirke. Yes, Domino. Like, Domino, as in the weird stupid game or the shitty pizza place. We’re still very puzzled about how this is a real name, but we swear to god we’re not making it up. She basically looks exactly like her sister Jemima who plays Jessa, which means she obviously wore a casual short wedding dress because she’s too hip to give a fuck, to an annoying extent.
Apparently they got married in a courthouse in Brooklyn, which is like honestly painfully fitting because Dan could never truly hang in the Upper East Side. He would’ve hated a big wedding, so this is the best gift he could possibly receive. No word on whether Serena, Blair, Chuck, or Nate were in attendance, but we have a feeling they didn’t make the minimal invite list. Little Jenny wasn’t there either, probably because she was too busy putting on liquid eyeliner or disappointing her father.
So, Upper East Siders, will Lonely Boy and Little Domino be a match made in heaven? Perhaps. Only time will tell, but we’ll be there the second anything starts to go wrong. That’s all for now. xoxo, Gossip Girl.
