If there’s one thing the pandemic has illuminated, it’s that celebrities really aren’t just like us, and people are growing sick and tired of the rich and famous trying to pretend otherwise. Just take your tubloads of money and chill in your mansions and sit this one out. Well, perhaps the only thing worse than, say, a celebrity lamenting how they got bamboozled into buying a $13,000 bottle of wine (when they are worth about $75 million) is a celebrity trying on life as a regular person for sport—which Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott did as a fun little family bonding activity, when they got Stormi a yellow school bus for her birthday.
On Tuesday, Kylie Jenner shared some pictures of Stormi to her IG Story (as she does). In the first slide, Stormi seems to be hugging a yellow school bus—yes, a regular ol’ yellow school bus, like the ones we took to school. Not a euphemism or anything. Not even a school bus that’s been modified by Xzibit. Anyway, Kylie wrote over the picture, “All Stormi has been talking about is riding a big yellow bus. Daddy surprised her.”
The next few images show Stormi walking, alone, down the aisle of the bus. I would like to reiterate again that this bus has those big maroon leather seats we were all tortured with on hot days, where you and 1-2 friends would cram yourselves in (because the seats were not separated), legs sticking to the fake leather. Why am I explaining this, we all remember what school buses were like! Kylie isn’t reading this.
We don’t know if Travis bought or rented the bus (although I’m hoping he rented it, because what the hell would they do with a school bus after this photo opp—donate it to a school maybe?), but the appropriately named website bus.com cites that renting a school bus can cost from $389-850 per day. Buying a bus can range from $90,000-290,000. I already broke my brain trying to figure out what a $13,000 bottle of wine is worth in layman’s money to a person worth $75 million, so there is absolutely no way I am going to sit here and figure out how many fractions of a penny it would be like for Travis Scott (who is worth $50 million) to buy or rent a school bus—but just know that it was probably worth less to them than the gum stuck underneath the seats of the bus.
Now, you can’t put a price tag on a child’s happiness, but what’s truly priceless is this entire situation, which I can’t decide between being deeply hilarious or profoundly sad. Probably a little bit of both.
First, as many Twitter users have pointed out, it’s absurd that Kylie and Travis would spend any amount of money to get their child an experience most of us peasants got for free (minus the cost of property taxes, I guess). And the experience they bought for fun was a largely unpleasant one, no less!
Also, seeing Stormi wander down that big, yellow bus alone is kind of just sad. They couldn’t
rent invite along any friends for her to sit with? Did she go anywhere in the bus or just take pictures, the way wannabe influencers can pay a small sum to pose in front of private jets?
Also, was it ever about the physical vehicle of the bus, or was it more about what the bus represents? I clearly don’t live in that house (a fact I am reminded of via court order… just kidding) but, seeing as Stormi has evidently never been on a school bus before, she probably learned about it from TV and movies. I kind of have a feeling it’s not about the bus, but about the regular-person experience of going to school. You know, waiting at the stop with your friends. Sitting next to your friends. Chatting about the day ahead with your friends. Having friends to whom you are not related by blood. The fact that her parents heard this desire and interpreted it in the most rich-person way possible is like a discarded plotline on Arrested Development, or Marie Antoinette building a fake village at Versailles so she could “escape from the drudgery of royalty.”
I guess it’s true that the grass is always greener, something I will whisper to myself when I’m crammed into a stranger’s armpit on the M60. Now have Stormi cosplay that she woke up late and needs to ask her mom, who is still in pajamas and hasn’t had her coffee yet, to drive her to school.
Images: kyliejenner / Instagram (2)
Today I’d like to address a very pressing matter that, frankly, is not getting enough national attention: the hostage situation that is Ben Affleck’s constant appearance on my social media feed. For those of you Gen Zers reading this and asking yourself “who?” and “but really who??”, Ben Affleck is an actor (an actor is like a TikTok star but with actual talent and the ability to memorize lines beyond 60 seconds of content). You have not seen any of his films. On the off chance that you have seen one of his films, you remember the cold fear of having to learn how to work a DVD player in order to watch it. Moving on.
Lately, Ben Affleck has been dominating entertainment news feeds in a way that no man his age has any right to. While some of us spent the pandemic cultivating our bed sores and watching The Vampire Diaries from start to finish just to feel something again, Ben spent the pandemic sucking face (or trying to suck face) with every barely legal girl in LA. There’s just something about a man his age exhibiting more thirst than my college spring break photo reel that feels like an abomination. And, trust me, I say this with love! Ben’s Boston accent in Good Will Hunting is the reason I have intimacy issues (and the reason my love language involves delicate gold chains and men whispering “sweetheart” to me in such a way that it sounds like it’s butchering the English language). I do really only want good things for the man!
But as of late his thirst levels have reached epic proportions and I can’t ignore it any longer. It’s to the point where I’m worried the fabric of the universe will disintegrate at the seams now that my Instagram feed is recommending me as much Ben Affleck content as it is Maddie Ziegler. Something is not right here, people! And so, I got to wondering, is there a larger force at play here? Is the man who got caught on camera spilling an entire staff meetings worth of Dunkin Donuts on himself actually strategically engaging in this self-destructive romantic behavior for some sort of personal gain? Is this real or a PR stunt? Let’s take a look at the evidence.
Exhibit A: The Ana de Armas Relationship
In order to understand the full extent of Ben’s year in the media, we must first go back to the beginning: March 2020. Let’s set the scene: The world is on lockdown. The only thing that comes in or out of my apartment is my wine guy with his weekly delivery of the goods. Meanwhile, Ben must be the last living, breathing guy in LA, because he is the only figure the paparazzi are constantly capturing on the streets. At this point, Ben has been romantically connected to Ana de Armas for three months. This pairing felt weird to me because of the 15-year age gap between the two and also the fact that I had never heard of Ana before their courtship (she’s never been featured on a Freeform show and she calls herself an actress?). This pairing alone would be suspect of a PR stunt… and then the pandemic hits. Now, the couple are photographed within an inch of their lives. There’s pics of them walking the dog, laughing and walking the dog, laughing and walking the dog while smelling the dog’s sh*t. At one point I was seeing more of Ben and Ana than my own image reflected back in the TV screen—and I was watching a lot of TV then!!
What makes me question the theory that this relationship was a PR stunt is that the ruse continues long after it needs to. After the summer—and the worst of the pandemic lockdowns—ends, they stay together! They continue to walk their dog and laugh when they get a whiff of its poops. They aren’t the only celebs willing to incur the wrath of Dr. Fauci for a Dunkin order, and so they become less photographed. Where things get murky is the two decide to move in together in December 2020, only to break up a month later. A life-size cardboard cut-out of Ana is found in Ben’s trashcan after the break-up. Look, I know that looks bad for Ben, but keep in mind the man once got an enormous back tattoo and was so embarrassed by it he tried to deny its existence to the press FOR TWO YEARS. Getting caught with a cardboard cut-out of his hotter, younger ex-girlfriend post-split is the kind of thing Ben would do without any ulterior motives.
Exhibit B: The J.Lo Sightings
More recently, Ben has been connected to his ex-fiancée Jennifer Lopez, following her split from Alex Rodriguez. The two have been spotted multiple times together, sparking romantic rumors even though they’ve continued to tell the press that they’re “just friends.” Sure, Jan. Look, it’s covid times, so I understand falling back into it with an ex. I have a few exes on my roster at the moment, if only because I don’t have to go through the hassle of sussing out if they’re secret anti-vaxxers. I imagine Ben and Jen are feeling the same. Not to mention, there’s nothing trendier than an aughts couple revived. The ’00s are HOT right now, and a summer of watching Bennifer 2.0. is the kind of media event that might make the world forget A-Rod’s recent cheating transgressions and Ben’s sad cardboard cut-out.
Exhibit C: Raya And The TikTok Heard ‘Round The World
And finally, Ben’s most recent offense: RayaGate. For those who are unfamiliar, Raya is a dating app for celebs and the celeb-adjacent, which apparently counts as TikTok stars now. Never mind that I’ve been applying for months. I guess “saw the back of Kristin Cavallari’s head at an Uncommon James one time” doesn’t count as celebrity-adjacent enough any more for these people. Rude!! Anyway, earlier this week a TikTok told the story of how Ben, who has staunchly denied using dating apps in the past, matched with Nivine Jay. She thought she was being catfished and so unmatched with him. Ben then sent her an Instagram DM with a personalized video to confirm his identity and ask why she unmatched with him. I’m not going to say any more on the story, just going to let the TikTok do all the explaining for me:
@nivinejaySorry Ben 🥺🥱 #raya #benaffleck #dating #fyp♬ original sound – Amir Yass
Who allowed this man to have access to a working phone!! My father, who is only a few years older than Ben, fails to grasp how Google docs saves changes instantaneously—and that’s the way it should be!! The video went viral immediately because of course it did. Again, this looks pretty bad for Ben. Surely, surely, he considered that a girl whose Instagram bio is just a shameless link to her podcast (a podcast dubbed “Swipe Left Podcast” no less!!) was absolutely going to share that video for her own personal gain. If this isn’t a desperate bid to stay relevant then it’s just… desperate. Yikes.
Look, the cynic in me would love to write all of this off as a PR stunt, and while the evidence is stacked against Ben, I just keep coming back to that fact that he’s no Kris Jenner diabolical mastermind. In fact, my favorite thing about Ben is that he constantly gets himself to the top, only to destroy himself once again. It’s an underdog story over and over, if only because the man has no sense of self preservation. He’s hapless and sad, like Winnie The Pooh but with a better jawline and occasionally six pack abs, but still always getting caught with the honey pot. You truly love to see it. Can’t wait to see what the rest of 2021 brings for him!
Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; BG004/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images
If you’ve been following pop culture for the past decade, you likely know by now that no one controls their images more closely than the Kardashians. There’s a reason the common saying exists: “The devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder.” The momager, by her own account—as documented in her “mem-wah”—runs a tight ship.
Before I continue: What’s most important to understand in the context of the Kardashians is that they are, first and foremost, a brand. A mega-brand, at that. And, like with any brand, image is everything, and must be upheld at all costs. Because if your brand suffers a PR fallout or an image crisis, the revenue consequences can be disastrous. (Just ask Victoria’s Secret.)
That’s why Khloé Kardashian’s recent blunder should be the family’s worst nightmare.
Not because the unedited, unfiltered photo of the third-oldest Kardashian leaked in the first place. She looks great—many Twitter users, in fact, said it was the best photo of her they’ve seen in years. (I just sincerely hope MJ is in a safe place right now.)
No, the blunder is that their reaction to the photo was so incredibly toxic and so obviously embarrassing, and deserves widespread ridicule—as well as a serious reflection on our part regarding to whom we give our attention and money.
As many people know by now, Khloé allegedly had her lawyers and even reportedly her sister Kim (!) reach out personally to Reddit and Twitter users who posted the photo—and tweets left and right were swept off the Internet faster than you can say “bible.” (Which is especially troubling when you consider the platform consistently lets off Nazis and death threat-spewing users scot-free.)
If Khloé and Ko. weren’t familiar with the Streisand Effect before—an Internet-age social phenomenon in which the act of suppressing information actually further draws attention to it—they certainly are now. The photo went viral, and Khloé released a statement decrying society’s bullying and impossible beauty standards, and how they have impacted her over the years. And that’s completely fair. I totally have empathy for her there. Getting called “the fat sister” by the media for years isn’t a fate I’d wish on anyone.
But she lost me when she acted like she’s a victim of society’s beauty standards in 2021 when she and her family are major perpetrators of the problem. It’s been more than a decade since the Kardashians came onto the scene as just a regular, albeit rich and connected, relatable family (rather than the fully formed brand they are today). Hundreds of millions of followers later, and with impossibly small, photoshopped waists and surgically enhanced behinds attributed to “hard work and exercise” (rather than the work of very talented LA-based plastic surgeons, or at the very least, personal trainers), the Kardashians have, for years, wielded a staggering amount of power over women’s self-esteem, and society’s beauty standards as a whole. Who do you think started the signature “Instagram face,”aka an oversize pout, button nose, and fox-like eyes? This, all while selling women products that capitalize on their specifically feminine insecurities—whether it’s body makeup, or contouring kits, or slimming shapewear. (Jameela Jamil was onto something when she dubbed the Kardashians “double agents for the patriarchy.”)
Like it or not, Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kendall, and Kylie brandish massive influence, and have, in a way, become “the standard” that women everywhere have emulated in the looks department—a standard that, to be clear, has been largely appropriated from women of color, from their signature features, to their style choices.
And if even the Kardashians—with their plastic surgery and trainers and personal chefs—are so miserable with their own appearances that they’ll sue over an unfiltered photo, what hope do the rest of us have? Why should any of us feel comfortable with our naked, unfiltered, unedited bodies if even a Kardashian can’t feel happy with hers?
What a message to send.
To me, the act of threatening legal action and having Twitter users’ accounts suspended for 12+ hours simply for posting an “unflattering” photo is self-hatred at its most distilled. (And it’s especially ironic when you remember that Khloé runs a brand, according to its website, on a platform of body acceptance.)
It didn’t end there, though: After the photo went viral, Khloé took to Instagram Live to show off her toned body, from a distance, in a dimly lit room. As if she had something to prove. As if she was saying, “I don’t look like THAT. There’s something inherently wrong with looking like that, and I need to prove to you that I don’t.”
In one fell swoop, the Kardashians alienated women everywhere and showed themselves for who they really are: self-hating, fatphobic hypocrites. And while that might sound harsh, they are a brand, after all. And as far as I’m concerned, Kris Jenner and her krew need to rapidly evolve with today’s times before their brand gets left behind in the 2010s, just like Victoria’s Secret.
Images: Jamie McCarthy/WireImage
Ask for more celebrity gossip amidst quarantine and ye shall receive, friends. On Sunday, Kristin Cavallari announced her unexpected divorce from Jay Cutler, and between that news alone and the inconsistent details regarding the cause of their split, I thought we were set for the month as far as celebrity news goes. But now we have bigger fish to fry, and by fry I mean analyze, since TMZ reports that Gigi Hadid is pregnant, expecting a baby with Zayn Malik.
TMZ broke the exclusive that Gigi Hadid is pregnant, claiming “family sources for the couple tell us … Gigi is 20 weeks along.” They also claim that it’s unclear if they know the sex of the baby yet, but “both of their families are very excited”. Now, I know that this is just one report from TMZ, but I do feel like they don’t usually tend to get it wrong. They broke the news of Kylie’s pregnancy, so I feel like, at least when it comes to secretive celebrity pregnancies, they can be trusted.
Just two days ago, Gigi posted a Boomerang on her Instagram from her 25th birthday celebration, featuring those giant number balloons every Instagram influencer is probably contractually obligated to pose with. Gigi’s birthday is April 23rd, and although the photos were posted on the 26th, she does not look even remotely pregnant, so the fact that TMZ is reporting that she is already 20 weeks along is definitely interesting. Like, she doesn’t even look like she’s pregnant with a food baby here. Then again, I could 100% see Gigi Hadid being one of those women who remains tiny throughout a pregnancy. She just would. Sigh, some people just have it all.
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According to another Instagram post, Gigi celebrated her 25th birthday with her mom, Yolanda, her sister, Bella, Zayn, and also a giant cake shaped like a bagel made by the Cake Boss, Buddy Valastro himself. Cool, so that’s two foods I’m not convinced Gigi actually eats.
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Had the sweetest day celebrating my 25th birthday with my quarantine family, who made it so special for me, along with all the love I felt from all over the world! Thank you to everyone for the birthday messages, I carried you with me yesterday!! 💛🙏 I am grateful and lucky that my family and friends -near and far- are healthy and safe, and although I missed loved ones I wish I could have celebrated with, know that these times will make us even more grateful for togetherness to be had in the future ! I will never forget my 25th bday! +++The icing on the perfect quarantine bday was finding out my surprise everything-bagel-cake was made by the one and only Cake Boss @buddyvalastro who I have watched for over a decade. I CRIED REAL TEARS! BUDDY! This is a dream come true. I can’t believe you made this cake for me while the bakery is closed. It means more to me than you know, and when we hopefully meet some day you will truly know that there almost isn’t an episode I’ve missed. 10/10 would be a Carlo’s intern whenever needed. 😆 Grateful, honored, your biggest fan. 🥯🥯🥯🥯🍰
I for one wish Gigi and Zayn all the best, and would like to congratulate them in advance for having the most beautiful child the world has ever seen.
Remember when Evan Bass and Carly Waddell were the height of Bachelor fame? Yes? No? Only because you’re still talking through the hot tamale abomination that was their first kiss with your therapist? Same. Well, buckle up friends, because it appears not only is Evan Bass a horrifying kisser, but he’s also in a crazy amount of legal trouble.
Still the stuff of my nightmares.
For those of you who don’t remember, Evan Bass was on JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, where producers tried to spin him as a catch because he ran a medical clinic. What made it really hard for them to accomplish this was the fact that he runs an erectile dysfunction clinic, but also has the personality of someone who makes genitals shrivel up and die. After The Bachelorette, he went on to Bachelor in Paradise where he attempted to woo Carly Waddell by pretending to be physically ill in the hopes that she would pity date him. And they say all the good ones are gone! What’s crazy is that the two of them actually ended up engaged by the end of the season, and have since then gotten married and somehow managed to spawn two children together. Just thinking about Evan Bass and nudity sends a swift chill down my spine, but whatever works for you, Carly!
But recently, Evan has done more than just manipulate women into dating him—he’s also manipulating the men of Nashville into believing he can solve their impotence problems! According to TMZ, new legal docs show that the BiP star just paid a chill $150K to the Tennessee Attorney General for allegedly making “misleading claims in advertisements” for an erectile dysfunction clinic he owns. The documents claim that Evan and his clinic allegedly sold erectile dysfunction and other men’s sexual function treatments through “multiple widely-disseminated, deceptive marketing campaigns” as well as had advertising that “misrepresented the efficacy, suitability, cost, and administration by doctors of its sexual function treatments.” Tbh I’m more upset that the article refers to Evan as a “hunk” than the fact that he conned men into thinking their penises would work again, but fine.
The lawsuit lists all of the alleged “deceptive” claims made by the clinic in their ads. Apparently the clinic “repeatedly claimed” in TV, radio, and print advertisements that it “would be able to solve or fix erectile dysfunction even after just one visit” even though this “was not the case.” Lmaoooooo. This is hilarious to me. Evan is a man whose OWN WIFE has gone on national television and said that he gives her erectile dysfunction, and the men of Nashville somehow believe he can give them long-lasting erections and a newfound sense of virility? What else do the men of Nashville believe? That Jeffrey Epstein actually killed himself?!
Let’s be clear: Evan has admitted to no wrongdoing, however, he has agreed to pay the $150k and promised not to repeat the claims in order to make this whole thing disappear. Now, I’m not an attorney, but I’ve watched many episodes of Judge Judy, and this feels like a clear admission of guilt to me. I, mean, it’s not like he’s paying that massive sum out of the goodness of his heart. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be here waiting for his Notes App apology to drop on Instagram. Until then!
Images: Giphy (2)
Nineties babies, I hope you haven’t thrown out your Trapper Keeper bedazzled with “Mrs. Timberlake” just yet, because you might still have a shot! That’s right, your middle school crush Justin Timberlake was just caught getting touchy with a woman who was decidedly not Jessica Biel. The Sun exclusively reported on Saturday that Timberlake was out in New Orleans drinking heavily and holding hands with his costar Alisha Wainwright. They’re in town filming a football movie named Palmer, for which Timberlake will not win an Oscar. Call it a hunch. They have photos and video of the incident, which I did watch despite the fact that there was an ad every nine seconds. I do this for you. Based on the content of this evidence, I suspect someone is about to be in a lotttt of trouble back at home.
Let’s talk about what happens in this video. JT appears to be pretty drunk, and oddly he’s more attractive to me than he’s been in years. One has nothing to do with the other, I’m sure. He and Alisha are out drinking on a balcony together, and at one point Alisha sits next to JT, and he grabs her hand and puts it on his leg and SHE CARESSES IT. Now, I don’t know how you all interact with your married coworkers, but I usually just ask them to send me pictures of their home renovations, no caressing involved. There are also photos of him holding hands with Alisha under the table. And that’s not all! In the video he is grabbing hands and getting playful with another woman as well. All in all, not a good look for JT, but also not definitive proof he’s a cheater. I mean, it definitely proves he’s a douchebag, but I think we already knew that.
Another problem JT is going to have to deal with? He’s not wearing his wedding ring in this video. Now, this, along with his behavior, could be an indication that he and the most annoying Camden sibling (fight me) actually have broken up, he’s a single man, and they just haven’t announced it yet. Celebrities usually keep that sh*t on lock until they drop the news strategically on Friday night or right before a long weekend. We see you. And neither of the Timberlakes have posted about each other on Instagram since Halloween, which is not necessarily a long time, but like, Starbucks has already rolled out their Christmas drinks, so maybe it is?
On the other hand (not literally, the ring was on neither hand), maybe JT wasn’t wearing his ring because he just wanted to be like a regular married man looking to score and slid it right into his pocket before hitting on someone way too hot for him. Or, if you are not like me and prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt, maybe you think he just left it at home because he knew he’d be out drinking and didn’t want to lose it. That’s sweet.
People immediately followed up this report with one of their own, with a source claiming that it was “completely innocent,” and that Justin and Alisha are filming a movie together and “they’re cool.” And this source’s name was Shmustin Dimberlake. Timberlake himself is yet to make a statement about what happened, but he was caught having the decency to look mildly embarrassed the next day.
Regardless of whether he is a cheater or not, this is a pretty embarrassing situation for JT. He’s visibly drunk out in public, acting way too flirty with women who are not his wife, and let himself be photographed and videoed without anyone knowing! He’s super rich and super famous, he should know better than this—or should have at least surrounded himself with people who know better than this. It’s sloppy. I doubt he and Jessica are separated, but I do hope that she rips him a new one when he returns home. Maybe if we’re lucky she’ll ban him from being in that movie and none of us will be subjected to his terrible acting ever again. A girl can dream!
It’ll be disappointing if the cheating rumors turn out to be true, but Justin would be far from the first famous person to be caught in bed with someone who’s not their spouse. Just for old time’s sake, let’s reminisce about some of the messiest celeb cheating scandals. There are honestly way too many to choose from, but I’ve done the tough work of narrowing it down.
Tristan Thompson & Khloé Kardashian
Perhaps the most notorious cheater of the last couple years is none other than Tristan Thompson. Who could forget when he was spotted with another woman while Khloé Kardashian was in Cleveland, literally about to give birth to his baby? For whatever reason, Khloé stayed with him, until almost a year later, when the Jordyn Woods news hit the fan. He and Jordyn may not have slept together, but their inappropriate behavior was finally enough for Khloé to ditch his ass. Thank f*cking god.
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
Even four years later, I’m still not quite over the way things went down with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. They seemed like a normal, happy couple, which is why it was so disheartening that Ben cheated on Jen with their nanny, Christine Ouzounian. Ben’s team tried to deny the rumors, but you know some shady sh*t is going down when the nanny gets fired one day after you announce your divorce. Jen is now dating a super normal guy, and Ben can kick rocks.
Tiger Woods & Elin Nordegren
It’s been 10 years since the great Tiger Woods Cheating Scandal of 2009, but it’s no less crazy a decade later. After an initial tabloid report about Tiger having an affair, an avalanche of mistresses began coming forward, with nearly a dozen women accusing Tiger of sleeping with them. If you’re going to cheat, you should probably try to keep the number of mistresses to like, one hand at least. Tiger’s wife Elin divorced him the next year, and this year she gave birth to a son with former NFL player Jordan Cameron. Good for her.
LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian
This cheating scandal was M E S S Y, and there are so many layers here to unpack. LeAnn and Eddie were both married to other people in 2008, when they started hooking up while shooting a Lifetime movie together. Honestly, how all great relationships begin. They eventually went public and left their spouses to be together. They’re still together, so maybe this was for the best? Also, you might remember that Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife is a woman by the name of Brandi Glanville, who would go on to be an iconic Real Housewife, and also one of the root causes of the drama that gave us Vanderpump Rules (because Scheana also slept with Eddie). This cheating scandal is so deep, and its ripple effects have greatly benefited my life, even years later.
What’s the craziest celeb cheating scandal you can remember? And do you believe that Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica Biel? Let me know in the comments, because I need conspiracy theories about this.
Images: giphy, justintimberlakebelge,jessicabiel/Instagram
Someone call Sammi Sweetheart, because Rahn needs to stahp. Just kidding, I would never wish that on Sammi, she needs to stay far away from the bad man. She actually turned down joining Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, where she’d probably be making roughly $80,000 per episode just because she didn’t want to deal with Ronnie, and apparently with good reason. Earlier this month, Ronnie was being a loving, caring partner, father, and role model, as per usual. Oh wait, just kidding. He allegedly hit Jen Harley, threatened to kill her, chased her around with a knife, then barricaded himself in their Airbnb with his infant daughter while Jen ran to the neighbors for help. He then resisted the police, threatened the police, had to be tased, and was arrested.
Insanely enough, this is very on-brand for Ron and Jen, who brought in the New Year by Jen throwing an ashtray at Ron’s face. They also had several pretend burglaries, Jen gave Ron a black eye, and also ran Ron over with her car.
Ron was originally arrested for kidnapping, which sounds about right, considering he locked his baby in the house with him after brandishing a knife (allegedly) and refusing to come out for the police. I listen to true crime podcasts, I know how the law works. But now he’s been hit with five misdemeanor charges: domestic violence, brandishing a weapon, child endangerment, resisting arrest, and criminal threats. Which is actually positive for him since he didn’t get a felony. This is the bar we’re setting now. I’m sorry, when is it enough? Ron has always been a loose cannon and completely aggressive and violent, but he continues to outdo himself. Remember when he destroyed all of Sammi’s things after HE cheated?
That was absolutely nothing compared to how bad he is now. There is security footage of Jen trying to hide from him, even checking the neighbor’s car trunk to hide in with her baby. This is just completely sick and horrible. Ron claims that there was no knife involved, but even without a knife, the situation is really f*cking bad. Jen says Ron lost his mind after doing a ton of coke, which she’s said about him before, but also he’s supposedly sober now. But also, that’s not an excuse?? I mean, when I do coke I tell a bunch of long-winded stories, I don’t kidnap babies and threaten my loved ones.
Ronnie’s attorney told E! News, “The facts and circumstances around Ronnie’s arrest have been misreported and exaggerated, like we mentioned in the past. We are happy the District Attorney’s refused to file any charges and we look forward to addressing this matter with City Attorney; until then, we will make no further comment.”
Jen’s attorney, meanwhile, told E! News, “Everyone acknowledges she was the victim. We don’t contest with what the authorities have done with the charges. We believe her injuries were serious, and could have easily a felony, but the charges he is currently facing shows that the authorities agree that she was the victim of a crime. Her injuries are significant. I don’t think the change in the charges is going to effect the restraining orders she has against him (in LA and Vegas).”
Let’s really just hope this is the end of this story, because nothing good can come of Ronnie and Jen staying together.
If you or someone you love is involved in a potentially violent domestic situation contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or online here.
Ronnie Ortiz-Magro from Jersey Shore has gone f*cking crazy again, only this time it’s not in a funny drank-too-much-and-cheated-on-Sammi-Sweetheart type of way. Around 3:00am this morning, multiple 911 calls were placed saying that a woman was running through the Hollywood Hills shouting that someone had taken her baby. One neighbor said the woman came to their front door after they witnessed her being attacked by a shirtless man. When the police arrived the woman, Jen Harley, Ronnie’s on-again/off-again girlfriend and the mother of his daughter Ariana, said that Ronnie had been chasing her around with a knife and was currently inside their rented Airbnb with their baby. She had sustained some minor injuries.
Jersey Shore’s Ronnie Ortiz in handcuffs after 3am domestic violence incident. Woman reported being assaulted + that Ortiz had her baby inside home. Police say he wouldn’t come out so they broke down door to rescue baby. Coming up live on @FOXLA #JustOneStation pic.twitter.com/Iy6xNg2CJr
— Gigi Graciette (@GigiGraciette) October 4, 2019
When the police knocked on the door of the home, Ronnie refused to come out. Fearing for the baby’s safety, police busted the door down… where Ronnie tried fighting them and was “extremely combative.” Yikes. I don’t need Law & Order: SVU to tell me that assaulting a police officer is a bad idea. He was subsequently tased, handcuffed, and taken to the hospital for an evaluation. He’s since been released from the hospital and will be facing domestic violence and kidnapping charges.
The disturbing event comes just 12 hours after the couple interviewed on the street with TMZ, saying they were back together after a month apart and were getting ready for a CBD company launch party that evening. Seems like he partied just a little bit too hard!! BUT HERE’S THE F*CKING GAG: When asked about Jersey Shore co-star Mike Sorrentino, who was recently released from an 8-month prison stint for tax evasion, Ronnie said, “he’s jacked, have you seen him? I feel like I want to go to prison for 8 months, he looks good!” CAREFUL. WHAT. YOU. WISH. FOR.
Ronnie and Jen have had a very tumultuous relationship from the beginning. On New Year’s Eve, Ronnie filed a police report over Jen chucking an ashtray at his face, leaving him bloodied. Later that day, she reported that when she arrived home, he had broken into her apartment and torn the place to shreds, punched a hole in the wall, smashed a bunch of glass, and flipped her furniture. (Sound familiar? I wonder if he tried to dump her mattress out of the house too.)
A few weeks prior to that, Jen’s Las Vegas apartment building released footage of Rahn punching out the security camera installed in Jen’s front door. Last October, Ronnie called the Las Vegas police, saying that Jen punched him in the face and gave him a black eye, but didn’t follow through on pressing charges.
Do you need a neck brace from all the whiplash yet? Good, there’s more. Only a month ago, Jen went on an Instagram story tirade where she claimed that Ronnie cheated on her, even posting a now-deleted photo of him snuggling up next to another girl on a boat. She also accused him of being abusive and a bully. She said that she’s bullied by MTV and Ronnie’s Jersey Shore cast members because they’re “protecting their asset.” She pointed to his short-lived romance with Keeping Up with the Kardashians regular Malika Haqq as proof that he’s abusive, posting an Insta story where Haqq said, “his love language is very aggressive, it’s verbally aggressive, it’s physically aggressive, it’s just the way he expresses himself.”
Clearly, she’s not wrong and this is a terrible relationship for everyone involved, especially 18-month-old Ariana. It seems like this will be the straw that breaks the camels back, but then again, Ronnie and Jen got back together after she dragged him from a car, so who really knows. Kidnapping and domestic violence charges sure won’t be a walk in the park for Ron, though. Maybe he’ll get swole in prison, but I wonder if they get enough yard time for him to maintain his tan? Either way, this is sure to f*ck up any potential Jersey Shore seasons that may be in the works.
In all seriousness, if you or someone you love is involved in a potentially violent domestic situation contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or online here.
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy; GigiGraciette / Twitter