If you’ve been having a great week so far, I’m about to ruin it with a depressing statistic from the American Psychology Association’s website: “About 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” Call me crazy (just kidding, I’m very sensitive), but I feel like the not-at-all-compatible celebrities who think getting married sounds like a fun thing to do between projects are at least partially responsible for this wildly depressing number of failed marriages. I mean, did Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton really place a vial of their blood around the other’s neck and think, “Yep, this is my forever!” I wonder what they did with the blood necklaces after they called it quits. Can they just throw them in the trash or is that, like, an unsafe disposal of bodily fluids? Anyway, I shouldn’t be singling out Angie and Billy Bob for getting married when they should’ve broken up, since they are just one of many celebrity couples who did the same thing. Don’t believe me? Keep reading for this list of celebrities you forgot were married.
Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise
We obviously all knew about this legally binding f*ck up, but it’s still shocking. Honestly, good for Tom for scoring such a dime, but Nicole, what the hell were you doing? Maybe Tom Cruise was not as horrible-seeming then as he is now, but I will never understand this relationship, especially since two adopted children came out of it. What’s more, neither Nicole nor the children (who are actually adults now) acknowledge each other. That sounds really sad. Like, if Nicole Kidman was my mom (Nicole, if you’re reading this, I’m available for adoption), I would definitely make sure that everyone I’ve ever met knew that.
Even though all parties alleged that their differing views on Scientology (the kids are believers and Nicole is not) did not influence their unfortunate familial situation, I think we all know that it’s probably got to do with the reason they don’t talk. Not that I’m a relationship expert, but I feel like before they got married and adopted kids together, Tom and Nicole should have discussed how they felt about being in a
cult highly publicized and controlling church.
Jennifer Garner & Scott Foley
I don’t remember this genetically blessed mess because I was 10 years old when they got married, but I am kind of into it. They met in 1998 and separated in 2003, which is pretty good considering I’ve never been with someone for more than like, two years. Whatever, I’m not bitter. Unlike celebrities today **ahem, Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande** they kept their relationship and breakup pretty private, so no one really knows why they ended, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s because Jen got very famous and Scott did not. In any case, Jen leveled up with Ben Affleck, but in classic celeb fashion, they got divorced too. Too bad, so sad. We were all rooting for you!
Elisabeth Moss & Fred Armisen
Not to blame the failure of another celebrity marriage on Scientology, but there’s a reason these two ended it, and I have a feeling it’s because one of them **cough Offred cough** is a Scientologist. Moss once told the L.A. Times, “Looking back, I feel like I was really young, and at the time I didn’t think that I was that young. It was extremely traumatic and awful and horrible. At the same time, it turned out for the best.” Yep, it’s usually considered a good thing when something you look at as extremely traumatic and awful and horrible comes to an end.
They met when her Mad Men costar, Jon Hamm, hosted SNL (Fred Armisen was a cast member) in 2009 and she was in the audience supporting him. They got married a year later. I feel like it’s just never a good idea to get married after only a year of meeting each other. What is with celebrities and rushing into marriage? I didn’t even want to meet my ex boyfriend’s family a year after we had been together because I thought it was too soon, and I’m glad, because we ended up breaking up like six months later! Anyway, I guess it was an awful marriage considering she has no problem airing their dirty laundry to a national newspaper, so it’s probably a good thing these two called it quits.
Wiz Khalifa & Amber Rose
I am still sad they are no longer married. They were so good together and they’re still very good friends. Why couldn’t they just make it work? “Things happen and sometimes as much as you love each other, you’re better off as friends,” Rose told PEOPLE after the pair split in 2016. “I feel like we can be the best of friends but we just can’t be in a marriage together. And that’s okay, because as long as Bash is happy, and we’re able to co-parent, that’s the most important thing.” I mean, that’s a beyond mature way to look at it and I wish I could do the same thing for my failed relationships. Personally, I just pretend that all my exes died after things didn’t work out, but maybe I’ll give this “friends” thing a try. Even though they are no longer together, I will always think fondly of Wiz and Amber as the cutest couple since they always looked genuinely smitten with each other.
Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton
Like our friends June Osborne and Fred Armisen, these two thought getting married after a year of knowing each other sounded like a swell idea. I think it makes a little bit more sense for these two, though, since they were both rebellious wildcards in the late ’90s. One good thing came out of this super bizarre pairing: Maddox, their adorable adopted son, who can now vote in this year’s election. F*ck, I feel old. The two blamed their split on their vastly different lifestyles: hers a little more global and his a tad more…agoraphobic. That’s probably something you’d find out had you waited longer than two seconds before agreeing to marry each other, just saying. Not that it matters, but he was also 20 years older than she was, and considering she was only 24 at the time, it’s not that shocking that they broke up pretty quickly.
Alanis Morissette & Ryan Reynolds
This one is the most random in my opinion. She’s a 90s icon and he’s a current icon, but they’re only two years apart. Hmmm. Also an important thing to note is that they did not make it to the altar—but they were engaged, so I’m counting it. More on that, Morissette one said that her breakup with Reynolds was her “rock bottom.” I get that. Breaking up with Ryan Reynolds would definitely be my forever lowest point. We’ll never know why they broke up, because a source close to the couple said shortly after the breakup, “They ask that their privacy be respected surrounding this personal matter,” which is honestly rude to all of the people who became as invested in their relationship as they were and need to know the details so that they (I) could move on, too.
And there you have it: the most random celebrity marriages. Are there any that I missed? Probably. Let me know in the comments!
Images: Getty Images (2); Shutterstock.com
Celebrities are like, so relatable, what with their vacations and skin care routines and day-to-day 9-5 jobs. They totally live in the real world, except when it comes to marriage. Honestly, can you think of any family or friends that have gotten hitched and within a month or less, have called it quits? How about three months? A year? Maybe you can think of like, a few, but hopefully it’s not everyone you know. Quickie marriages in Hollywood, however, are pretty standard, and they’re much more common than you’d think. For instance, who knew Eddie Murphy was on the list of shortest celebrity marriages? Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, of course, are included, but who could forget the 100 or so day marriage of American royalty Kid Rock and Pam Anderson? There are so many brief celebrity marriages we don’t know about, and so many hilarious reasons why these unions lasted about as long as my interest in a story that doesn’t involve me personally.
While this list isn’t all-inclusive of all the shortest celebrity marriages (that I am classifying as ones that ended after less than 130 days), it highlights some of our favorite idiots and their stupid decisions so that we can point, laugh, and judge.
Britney Spears and Jason Alexander: 55 hours
#tbt Britney Spears & Jason Alexander #wedding. So heartbroken over the divorce. Totally thought that was gonna last! pic.twitter.com/ABqViXk9xK
— HappilyEverBorrowed (@Happilyborrowed) March 27, 2014
Lest we forget, Britney had quite the fiasco in Vegas after marrying and, less than three days later, divorcing some dude with the same name as the guy who plays George on Seinfeld. It would have been SIGNIFICANTLY funnier if she had actually married that Jason Alexander, if you ask me.
Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor and Count Felipe de Alba, two old school Hollywood weirdos who were married for one full day, Britney hit us (one more time…sorry) with the shortest celebrity marriage of all time. Congrats, Brit. We knew you were good for something. Back in 2004, Britney and her childhood friend Jason were partying in Vegas when they decided marriage sounded like a GREAT idea (clearly Britney never watched Friends, or she would have known this was a terrible idea). But, after just 55 hours and a metric sh*tload of media coverage, the ceremony was promptly annulled, leaving Brit to marry one Kevin Federline, dancer extraordinaire and human sponge.
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike: 4 days
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike + 5 More Celebrity Couples That Had Shortest Marriages #celebrity #Divorce
See more https://t.co/6PMKub441e pic.twitter.com/gFORcXp6bK
— Nexter.org (@Nexter_org) April 6, 2019
Nicolas Cage gives me night terrors, and apparently leaves his divorce lawyers screaming and in rage blackouts, too. Just a few weeks ago, Cage got himself into the list of shortest celebrity marriages thanks to a four day fiasco with Erika Koike, a makeup artist he’d been dating since April 2018.
My favorite part of this whole thing isn’t the quickie wedding in Vegas on March 23 of this year, or the trip to get it annulled four days later. No, no—it’s that the couple were caught arguing on camera when they went to apply for their marriage license just one week before. According to People, “Cage is heard saying, ‘I’m not doing it’ to Koike as she responds, ‘I never asked you to.’ They received their marriage certificate the same day, court records show.” Nic also made the list back in 2002, when he divorced Lisa Marie Presley after just 107 days of marriage.
Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman: 9 days
1998 called and wants its odd celebrities back. For those of you born in the late ’90s and 2000s, Carmen Electra was our Kim Kardashian, and Dennis Rodman was our Post Malone, but for basketball. You may know him now from his very strange relationship with one Kim Jong Un, also known as that guy trying to blow up America with nukes from North Korea. Are we all following? Grool. Electra and Rodman ended up together in Vegas on November 14, 1998, and right around 7am, decided to say “I do.” Apparently, Rodman had enough time to sober up in the nine days that followed, claimed he was “heavily intoxicated” when he wed Electra, and filed for divorce. Awww, you guys, that’s so sad.
Cher and Gregg Allman: 9 Days
All right, so this is probably before most of our time, but Cher, Native American goddess and reigning queen of gay men everywhere, enjoyed a v quick wedding to none other than Allman Brothers front man, Gregg Allman. Cher had previously been married to Sonny Bono, with whom she’d had a pretty cute (see: very ’70s) television show. She’d also officially divorced him just three days before shacking up with Allman. That’s moving pretty fast, even in Hollywood.
The two got married in Vegas but, just nine days later, Cher realized that Allman had a pretty serious substance abuse problem (in Hollywood? GASP) and filed for divorce. The two ended up reconciling, re-marrying, then divorcing again, because everything has to come full circle, you guys.
Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds: 14 days
Shrek’s Donkey is just as much of a jackass IRL as he is in our favorite kids movies! Edmonds, who, according to Wikipedia, hasn’t made a film since 2011, wed Murphy in a private beach ceremony in 2004 in Bora Bora. Despite the magical island wedding theme, and what I assume were millions of dollars in champagne and flowers, the nuptials got off to a rocky start. According to a source for People magazine, Murphy started yelling at Edmonds in front of guests, making for a somewhat awkward sparkler exit and limo ride back to the hotel.
Apparently, because the wedding was in a foreign country, it wasn’t legally binding. The couple had planned to have a legal ceremony in the U.S. later, but seeing as things were already going south, they called it all off.
Ali Landry and Mario Lopez: 18 days
Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas: 39 days
Drew Barrymore, favorite muse of Broad City‘s Abbi, makes the list for her 1994 marriage to L.A. bartender Jeremy Thomas. If you’re doing the math in your head, then yes, I can confrm that Drew was 19 when she made that choice. Mild yikes. Apparently, it wasn’t a great choice, and she filed for divorce less than two months later. Drew also had a quickie marriage to none other than MTV ’90s darling, Tom Green, which lasted a grand total of 163 days—which is practically a lifetime, I imagine, with Tom f*cking Green.
Kim K and Kris Humphries: 72 days
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock: 122 days
What do you get when you combine a trailer trash boob job with a guy who screams BAWIDABA and campaigns for Trump? A white trash triathlon? NOPE! A wedding between our fav OG Baywatch cast member, Pam Anderson, and upsettingly long-haired manchild, Kid Rock. I like to imagine that this wedding hosted a lot of burlap, mason jars, Confederate flags, screaming eagle decor, and camo. God bless America. All kidding aside, though, these two got hitched on a yacht in 2006, which sounds classy, but, I assure you, it was not in this case—as evidenced by the tiny white bikini and sailor hat instead of traditional wedding garb.
So, why the split between these two? Apparently, there was a fight via phone call which involved Kid Rock (whose real name is Robert Ritchie) not coming to visit Anderson while she was shooting a movie in Vancouver. Why? Because he had floor seats at a Lakers game, obviously. She yelled at him, claimed she had a miscarriage, and hung up the phone. Welp, that escalated quickly. Kid Rock, being the eloquent gentleman he is, quickly flew to see his lady love, only to find her chugging champagne and dancing on tables. Things went downhill from there, and they split soon after, giving us one of the shortest celebrity marriages of all time—and also the trashiest.
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney: 128 Days
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney’s marriage #ThingsThatLastedLongerThanTheMooch @colbertlateshow pic.twitter.com/OUjFz366GO
— Linda Childers (@lindarchilders) July 31, 2017
Am I the only one who didn’t realize this was ever, EVER a thing? Huh. The more you know. But I don’t feel too bad, because even Renee Zellweger forgot she was married to Kenny Chesney! Anyway, according to Insider, “On September 15 2005, Zellweger filed papers citing ‘fraud’ as their reason for separation.” Apparently, claiming fraud led to a lot of speculation about the country singer, mainly in the form of people thinking he was gay. He later went on to deny the rumors, which, to be honest, aren’t really anyone’s damn business. But it’s safe to say that these two have moved on for the better, even if we don’t know exactly what Zellweger was defrauded into…
So that’s the list of shortest celebrity marriages! Do you know anyone whose dumpster fire of a union can top these stories? Comment below!
Images: Getty Images (5); Shutterstock (2); lindarchilders, Nexter_org, Happilyborrowed / Twitter