We love celebrities who don’t act fake on social media, so naturally Kelly Ripa is one of our faves. When not publicly thirsting over her husband, she can be seen trolling the sh*t out of her kids, which we always appreciate. Like, sure your kids are the light of your life and whatever, but what fun is being a parent if you can’t rag on your kids a little? I started taking note of Kelly’s trolling on Father’s Day, when Lola apparently walked in on her parents having sex and probably wanted to claw her own eyes out. Now, I know you’re thinking that’s bad, but not “time to finally file the paperwork and get emancipated from these lunatics” bad, mainly because it was an accident. But not only did Lola walk in on her parents having sex, they then recounted the story to their five million closest friends on Live! the next day. MOM!! While Kelly and Mark did seem slightly embarrassed that this happened (AGAIN?!!!), I can’t help but think they went backstage during a commercial break and did their best Dr. Evil laugh.
And that’s when I realized that Kelly Ripa lives to torment her children. I mean, of course, she loves them, I’m sure she bought them each a Bentley for their 16th birthdays yada, yada, yada, but I also think she loves trolling them. I’m certain my parents had children solely to mulch the backyard, and I’m certain that Kelly Ripa had children (especially Lola) so she could lovingly make their lives a living hell, and I’m here for it. I can’t wait to do the same to my own daughter one day! I’m taking notes. Here are all the best times Kelly Ripa has trolled her children.
Like most teenage girls, Lola is particular about which photos she’ll allow her mother to post of her on Instagram. This makes complete sense because Kelly has over two million followers, half of which I’m sure are ready to call a teen girl a washed-up street dog or something equally vile. The internet is the best place!!!! Kelly respects Lola’s request and gives her photo approval, but also roasts her for it, as any good parent would. For example, when wishing Lola a happy 17th birthday, Kelly claimed she couldn’t get any photo approval so just posted a picture of Lola when she was still in the womb.
Honestly the only thing that would have been more savage would’ve been if Kelly had posted Lola’s sonogram. Maybe next year??
Kelly also engages in lots of very suggestive flirting with Mark over Instagram. Take, for example, this one:
Lola felt she couldn’t let this moment pass by and commented “is this caption necessary” which I think is a very sweet way of saying “could you two get a room, preferably with a locked door?”
Kelly and Mark also decided to engage in some light foreplay in the post below, and while it appears none of their children commented on the exchange, I’m sure they saw it on IG and also in their nightmares.
I’m just imagining Kelly and Mark sitting in the same room, giggling to themselves as they reply to their own Instagram comments. And then their children, reading this and gagging at their parents making jokes about group sex. Also RIP Luke Perry, I’ll never stop missing you and I’ll never stop rewatching season 1 of Beverly Hills, 90210 an unhealthy amount.
But even though Kelly does troll her daughter online, she is also willing to troll herself, which I appreciate even more. Most celebrities take themselves way too seriously *cough* Leonardo DiCaprio *cough* so when one of them demonstrates even the slightest bit of self-awareness I’ll give them props. I know, I’m like, really generous.
I think this is my favorite interaction between Kelly and Lola because it involves self-mockery, 90s fashion, and Hiram Lodge doing what he does best: sucking. Plus, it also shows that beneath Kelly’s deep dark desire to torment her children for her own pleasure, she also is a generous mom, and probably has an amazing closet she shares with Lola. If I had to make a deal that in order to wear all those designer clothes I had to occasionally walk in on my parents having sex, I can’t say I’d turn it down. Oh wait. Yes I would. I really, really would.
And those are some of the ways Kelly Ripa trolls on Instagram! Personally, I don’t think I’d be the perfectly well-adjusted pretty okay human that I am today if my own mother had not simultaneously trolled me and loved me, so I think Kelly is doing something right. But I will say, for God’s sake, get a lock on your door!
Images: Giphy (1); kellyripa (1), commentsbycelebs (3)/Instagram
As a society, we are obsessed with celebrities. I personally spend approximately 75% of my working day on celebrity gossip blogs (don’t tell my boss, k thanks!). I look at their outfits, make fun of their mugshots, and wonder how they got their abs to look like that. Seriously though, is that baby oil they use? But now, a lot of the classic A-list celebrities are getting old. Not even the uber-rich can escape that cruel beast known as Father Time. I mean, have you looked at Johnny Depp lately? Maybe spend less time dressing like a pirate and more time using moisturizer, honey!
Luckily for us, these relics of yesteryear found equally beautiful partners to procreate with, and the result is a master race of celebrity children, who have collectively decided it’s time to become famous. Since you already know Olivia Jade, I’m going to leave her off the list, but these are the cool kids she’d hang out with at school if she, you know, ever went to school. So let me introduce you to the genetically-blessed celebrity kid influencers that you really ought to know, the ones that shine so bright they’re destined to become “self-made” billionaires.
Kaia Gerber
Parents: The most iconic model of all time, Cindy Crawford, and that guy who owns a tequila company, Rande Gerber
Age: 17
Insta followers: 4.2 million
Known For: Making her runway debut at age 16
Even if Kaia Gerber wasn’t created in a lab and genetically engineered to have the exact same DNA as her mother, she would have been #blessed. Kaia grew up in Malibu with mom Cindy and dad Rande, who just so happens to be George Clooney’s best friend and co-owner of the tequila brand Casamigos. A life of never-ending sunburn with unlimited margs? Sign. Me. Up.
Four days after Kaia turned 16, she walked her first runway for Calvin Klein and hasn’t looked back. In 2018 she won the totally legit sounding “Model of the Year” award and is the face of Marc Jacobs’ Daisy fragrance. Cool. When I was 16, I was still reading Baby-Sitters Club books and pretending not to, but sure, jet-setting all over Europe and posing for British Vogue sounds cool too. If you don’t know Kaia’s name already, you will soon. Her family is insanely connected, and every designer with eyes wants to work with her because she’s like, really pretty.
Lily-Rose Depp
Parents: Professional pirate Johnny Depp and French model Vanessa Paradis
Age: 19
Insta Followers: 3.3 million
Known For: Being one of Karl Lagerfeld’s muses
Lily-Rose Depp is the human embodiment of the cool-girl trope. I’m afraid of her just from looking at her Instagram. She smokes! She wears thin tank tops! She’s French! She invented the resting bitch face! Oh, she’s on her way here? Excuse me while I go hide in the bathroom.
Lily-Rose’s parents may have saddled her with a repetitive double flower first name but that’s the only uncool thing about her. Lily-Rose has been a Chanel ambassador since she was 15, handpicked by the kaiser himself, Karl Lagerfeld (RIP). She’s also appeared in multiple Kevin Smith movies alongside his daughter, Harley Quinn Smith.
And of course, the cool girl snagged the hottest guy in school, the Oscar-nominated, Louis Vuitton harness-wearing angel baby we all know as Timothée Chalamet. Can we get a Cruel Intentions remake starring these two please? Because that would be hot af, and I bet Lily-Rose already has the cross necklace covered *wink*.
Patrick Schwarzenegger
Parents: Ahhhhhnold and Maria Shriver, member of the Kennedy family
Age: 25
Insta followers: 1.2 million
Known For: His heartbreaking performance in Midnight Sun, a tragic romance about a girl allergic to the sun. I’ll let you use your imagination to determine if it was good or not.
Patrick Schwarzenegger is the descendent of American royalty (his mom is niece to JFK, Bobby, and Ted Kennedy), and an Austrian bodybuilder who is known for quotes like “It’s not a tumor!, ” and “I’ll be back!” There was no way this celebrity kid wasn’t going to be famous. He looks like his movie star dad (although not as much as the kid his dad had with the housekeeper), and has the charisma of his mom, who is a TV journalist.
Patty has three movies coming up in the next year or so, and his sister is marrying Chris Pratt in the fall. So get ready for him to be all up in your face. And if you don’t know him as the guy who cranks out movies that should have gone directly to video, perhaps you’ll remember him as the man who briefly filled the Liam-shaped hole in Miley Cyrus’s heart. That is, until, Liam was cool with her grinding on foam fingers and she dropped Patrick like hot garbage.
Ava Phillippe
Parents: Gemini vegetarian Reese Witherspoon, and the best on-screen villain in the entire teen-movie genre, Ryan Phillippe
Age: 19
Insta followers: 715,000
Known For: being a “normal” teen whose parents just happen to be famous
Ava is our least try-hard celebrity kid. Yes, she did pose looking like an ethereal beauty for Rodarte’s Fall 2018 collection, and yes, she did design a shirt for her mom’s clothing line, Draper James, and yes, people like Mindy Kaling comment on her Instagram all the time, but she’s normal, guys! And I’m totally not jealous of her at all! I’m pretty sure she goes to college right now (what, like it’s hard?), and is basically just living her life as the epitome of the all-American girl, while occasionally sprinkling in some jobs. I think we have a few years before Ava truly becomes an A-list celeb in her own right (perhaps she can play Annette in our Lily-Rose/Timothée Cruel Intentions remake?), but that’s good because it gives me some time to skin her and wear her as a suit.
And those are the celebrity kids that should be on your radar! They’re all fine, but if we’re being real, what I’m truly waiting for is the day Suri Cruise, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and Hazel Moder (daughter of Julia Roberts) become famous and bump all these losers to the Z-list.
Images: Shutterstock; kaiagerber, lily rose_depp, patrickschwarzenegger, avaphillippe / Instagram
While you were focused on Beyoncé’s twins (who are they? when are they? how can I meet them?), you may have forgotten that there are like, other rich and famous twins being born to the world. George and Amal Clooney welcomed their own Carter twins pregame bundles of joy today, a boy and a girl named Alexander and Ella. Congrats to George and Amal, not only for successfully bringing two lives into this horrible nightmare world, but also for naming them two very reasonable things. I guess this is what happens when one of you is an actor, and the other is an internationally famous human rights lawyer. Sure, one person in the relationship might be inclined to name their children Solo Cup and Dixie, but the other half of the equation is there to say, “There are starving twins in Africa and we’re naming our babies something normal.”
According to a statement released by the couple ealrier today, “This morning Amal and George welcomed Ella and Alexander Clooney into their lives. Ella, Alexander and Amal are all healthy, happy and doing fine. George is sedated and should recover in a few days.”
Ugh. Could this couple get any cuter. Not only do you have two normally named children, but you also have time to throw a funny joke into the mix? My only qualm here is that I’m a little surprised that Amal went for the straight Clooney, rather than doing a hyphenated last name, but then again she did just give an eight-month-pregnant-with-twins speech at the UN like three weeks ago so I’m not gonna come out here and say Amal Clooney is doing feminism wrong. Speaking of feminism, I will now fill the traditional “when will she get her baby body back” portion of this article with gifs of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. You’re welcome.
Wow. That was empowering. Congrats to George and Amal (but mostly to George, who is pretty obviously getting more than what he’s giving in this arrangement) on the birth of their healthy happy twins! Let them enjoy the spotlight for now and then use the birth of the Carter twins as an opportunity to teach them a valuable lesson about knowing your own worth and taking an L when necessary.
