If there is one adjective I’d use to describe all of us, as a collective species, in 2019, it would be tired. No matter if you’re rich, poor, conservative, liberal, male, female, we can all agree that we are just exhausted—physically, emotionally, spiritually. Show me someone who can’t relate to one of those “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since 2008 memes” and I’ll show you either a speed addict or a liar. Even celebrities are tired, apparently! That’s evidenced by the fact that Hailey
Baldwin Bieber (gotta get used to that), who just turned 23 today, revealed in an interview with Highsnobiety that she would have thrown a blowout birthday party, but she’s simply “too tired”. Now, as much as I want to come for her, I’ve got to say, the girl has a point.
Upon the interviewer remarking that today is, in fact, Hailey’s birthday, Hailey says, “It’s my Jordan year. I’m turning 23 (today, November 22), and I had this idea where I was going to throw a Jordan party and everyone would have to wear Jordan.” Sounds both literal and expensive. E! News reported on Mrs. Bieber’s initial party plans in an article called “Hailey Bieber Is ‘Too Tired’ to Throw a Party For Her 23rd Birthday”, remarking, “‘Jordan year’ is in reference to famous basketball player Michael Jordan whose number was 23 throughout his career. Who knew Hailey was such a sports aficionado!” To which I have got to say: no, she is not a “sports aficionado”—that’s like me saying that knowing Derek Jeter used to play for the Yankees makes me a baseball connoisseur, or having a “22” themed birthday makes me a Taylor Swift superfan—she is simply a person who was alive when Miley Cyrus, Juicy J, and Mike Will released their hit song “23”. To which I have to add, having a “Jordan” party is very 2013.
In any case, outdated reference or not, the Jordan party will not happen because, as Bieber tells Highsnobiety, “I’m just too tired, I don’t want to entertain people.” I wanted to inquire if she would even be responsible for planning or coordinating her own party, but it didn’t even seem worth the effort. Whether she is actually organizing the minutiae of the event or not (almost surely not), she would still have to get her makeup done, show up to the party, pose for photos, socialize, and just generally be around people—feats that I think we can all agree sound thoroughly exhausting. Not to mention, Hailey has had not one, but two weddings this year, and her big blowout wedding happened just two months ago. That was basically her huge birthday party, no theme necessary.
I’ll admit, I was ready and eager to do a full roast of Hailey Bieber for these comments. Too tired to throw a party?! How will we, as a collective society, survive without what would have surely been the cultural touchstone of the century? Not to mention, doing a “Jordan” themed party where your guests are all required to wear sneakers that cost upwards of $100 is not exactly the most socially conscious or aware decision. But then again, neither is turning your baby daddy’s album cover into a theme park or having not one, not two, not three, but FOUR designer dresses at your wedding in the first place. And, I am pretty confident nobody on Hailey Bieber’s guest list would have been unable to afford a pair of Jordans, anyway. So, even though this never-realized party is not exactly groundbreaking in either theme or cultural relevance, it’s not even outlandish enough to be worth a roast.
After all was said and done (and I actually read the initial Highsnobiety interview), I wondered if E! News was giving Hailey a bit of the Emma Watson treatment. The questions about Hailey’s birthday are ordered first in the interview, but the initial interview does not position those comments—which are clearly meant as a joke, since after remarking she’s too tired to entertain people, Hailey laughs—as front and center or the focus of the piece. The title of the interview is actually, “Hailey Bieber on Calvin Klein, Her Beauty Empire Dreams & Why She Thinks Kylie Jenner Is ‘a Genius”. This stays true to what is discussed in the interview. I’m not saying that Hailey Bieber is the next Gloria Steinem or anybody, or that E! News did her a huge wrong, but the interview is not completely vapid, either. She lauds Rihanna and Kylie Jenner for creating products and brands they genuinely believe in, and expressing similar aspirations while being aware of the danger of copying existing celebrities’ brands. In other words, it’s pretty standard stuff.
Then again, when asked what matters to her, things get a little murky. She expresses the desire to use her platform for “talking to young women”, which seems like a good idea in theory, but is left extremely vague. What does that mean exactly, answering DMs? Bieber does not really expand upon this idea; she simply says, “Women supporting women has become such a big conversation but theres still so much we can do. There’s no reason there needs to be this girl against girl drama, and social media makes it way worse. There’s no reason why we cant be kind to each other.” That is all fine and good, but she offers no further ideas about what actually we can do. I’m all for celebrities taking up a pet cause, but just pointing out a (pretty mild in the grand scheme of things) problem is not actually the same as doing anything about it. I feel like, if anything, this is just another callback to Selena Gomez and her new-ish song about Justin Bieber—so, essentially, Hailey’s answer for “what matters to you” is kind of, “that people stop talking sh*t about me”. A relatable sentiment, for sure, but more of a personal problem than a noble cause.
So when all is said and done, who am I really mad at? E! News, for putting a somewhat funny and relatable spin on an otherwise meh fluff piece? Highsnobiety for asking a bunch of softball questions and then publishing that in a Q&A format, without even an attempt to synthesize all these comments into some sort of narrative? Or myself, for getting all excited to do a complete take-down, only to actually read all the background information and be sorely disappointed, and then playing right back into that with my own headline? Myself. Definitely myself.
We’ve spent the past few months mainly focused on the numerous Kardashian/Jenner pregnancies, but the other Kardashians are still keeping busy. Kendall is on April’s cover of Vogue, and Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview and accompanying video feature are already giving us a lot to talk about. She covers a lot of ground, from questioning what happens to the middle of the Cheerios to whether she would date a girl. Oh sweet young Kendall, why don’t we spend more time talking about you? Oh right, it’s because you’re usually busy walking in Chanel shows while the rest of your sisters are being thots on Snapchat.
Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview starts off with a comically long segment about Kendall and her horses, Belle and Dylan. Kendall Jenner was a horse girl growing up, which is funny because the horse girls from my middle school are all in various stages of graduate school now. Some people get smart, and others get pretty. Kendall is obsessed with her horses, and she wants to get back into show jumping, but insists she would use a fake name so people didn’t know it was her. I’m calling it now, LaKendall McJenner is going to win the Kentucky Derby next year.
After Kendall briefly talks about her obsession with transcendental meditation (same), the interview pivots to her sexuality. Um, why? There have been casual rumors for a while that Kendall likes girls, but the interviewer wastes no time and essentially tries to out her by asking why the internet thinks she’s gay. Kendall insists that she doesn’t have “a bisexual or gay bone” in her body, but says she’d be down to experiment. She also talks about her male energy, but is quick to add that she’s not transgender. She is Caitlyn Jenner’s daughter after all, so she might kind of know what she’s talking about.
The more legitimate rumors are that Kendall Jenner is dating NBA player Blake Griffin, who played in LA before being traded to Detroit this year. She refuses to confirm the relationship, but the interviewer helps us out by saying that Kendall spent Valentine’s Day in Michigan. With Kendall in Detroit and Khloé spending half her time in Cleveland with Tristan, can we look forward to a Khloé and Kendall Take the Midwest spinoff? Maybe they’ll start a new franchise of Basketball Wives? Producers, get to work trying to find enough glamorous people in Ohio to cast a reality show.
But if Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview is the delicious main course here, let’s get to the dessert: Kendall’s Vogue video. It’s titled i, kendall, and if it’s supposed to be a parody of I, Tonya then it’s not succeeding. We see Kendall going about her morning routine in a hotel room that she obviously didn’t sleep in, and she asks herself a series of questions that range from dumb to “girl, do u have a brain?” She first tries to count the hairs in an eyebrow, but she gets bored after counting to six. Is it because she can’t count higher than that? She then admires the color of the walls while brushing her teeth, proving my theory that she has not spent more than five minutes in this room.
Kendall explains that she hasn’t slept in her own house in 17 days, which sounds exhausting but doesn’t excuse the fact that she draws a pair of glasses on her face with eyeliner. Sweetie, are you good?? She also ponders what happens to the holes in the Cheerios, pointing out that it would be wasteful to just throw them away. Ugh, she’s really not smart, is she?
The best part of the video, however, is when she’s staring at herself in the mirror, deep in thought, and just says “this side of my face is good.” KENDALL JENNER. You are the highest paid model in the world, every side of your face is good. I, on the other hand, spend at least half of my social energy making sure I end up on the left side in every photo. I just feel like it’s facial appropriation for Kendall to say shit like this, because she’s obviously prettier than the rest of us and it’s just not fair.
This video is obviously supposed to be funny, but it doesn’t really work because 1) it’s not funny, and 2) Kendall doesn’t really seem like she has the self-awareness or brain power to make fun of herself. We love the girl, but this is not where she shines.
So while Kendall Jenner walks around all day with eyeliner all over her face, I’m just thankful that I don’t spend my time thinking about the poor holes in the Cheerios. I might not be booking the cover of Vogue, but at least I have a college degree and have made it past question 6 on HQ several times. What can I say, I’m unbelievably blessed.
Images: @kendalljenner / Instagram; Giphy