There’s truly nothing better than plopping down after a long day of work (re: online shopping) with your $14 salad and Zillow. Sure, once upon a time the concept of perusing real estate sounded like something only boring people would do. But now? Now that you’re an Adult™ with things like hip pain and a 401(k), critiquing a house you could never afford is sort of like the new going out on a Monday. It doesn’t exactly make sense, but you do it — and do it often — anyway.
This, of course, is where Betches’ Zillow House of the Month comes in. Each month we’re presenting you with the most outrageous, over-the-top, painfully pricey houses simply so you can judge the sh*t out of them. Don’t ask me why, but there’s just something exhilarating about hating on a zillion-dollar mansion that doesn’t have a detached guesthouse.
And since October is, obviously, the month of all things spooks and scares, we had to highlight a Victorian home that could easily be seen on the poster of some made-for-Netflix horror movie. From the outside, you’ve got your traditional “this place is definitely haunted” vibe. But from the inside? It’s more of a current-day, “wow I might actually get murdered here” aesthetic. It’s a hard balance to master, but we love to see a fun blend of the vintage with the modern!
Another important note: This six-bedroom/10-bath house is nestled on just under 2.5 acres of Ontario soil. But it’s not the Canadian locale that’s freaky (Come on—universal healthcare, stunning views, and low crime rates? *shudders*). It’s the fact that this C$15,000,000 Zillow listing (which goes for close to $11 million USD) has all the trappings of an American Horror Story estate, minus the ghost of Evan Peters. And since I’ll likely never be able to afford more than a studio apartment, I can’t think of a better reason to dissect every inch of this place like my life depends on it. Who knows? It just might (dun dun dunnn).
Let’s dive in, shall we?
Did you feel a chill run up your spine? Good, because one look at this house screams “do not enter.” I mean, you’re going to go in, of course, because they probably have a bomb-ass wine selection and will serve you a catered multi-course meal before they kill you.
But seriously. The gabled roof, gothic architecture, and literal spires are basically straight out of the How to Build a Haunted House handbook. Someone call Ryan Murphy, because this place looks like the perfect setting for literally any of his shows.
While we’re on the topic of the exterior house structure, let’s take a lil peek at the location. One feature that’s boasted on the listing is the fact that the home backs up to protected forest land. Scenic, right? But do you know what lives in forests? Bears. Murders. Ghouls, even, if they exist. I don’t care how nice it is that you won’t have to see your dumb neighbor mowing their yard shirtless when you look out your back window—a dark, eerie forest is pretty much equal to imminent death. I don’t make the rules! Ask Hollywood!
If you were expecting blood-red walls, dark wood floors, and coffins around every corner of this home, you couldn’t be more mistaken. Remember, the outside is giving American Horror Story while the inside is more American Psycho. I have to warn you: Pretty much every single room you’ll see is stark white, giving the place a more-than-vaguely institutional feel. I get it, some people like the modern white look. You know, like rich people or folks who need to quickly clean up crime scenes before the police arrive. Still, at least you’d look good walking down that grand staircase to meet your demise.
Before moving on, I just need to take a second to once again point out how dizzying the interior is. I never thought I’d be one to want fewer clean lines and recessed lighting, but this place reads like a fancy boutique or modern art museum that I have absolutely no reason being in.
Ah, the first pop of color and an example of what you can expect throughout the rest of the abode. Multiple sitting areas grace the estate, almost all of which include jewel-tone or white couches that you’re not expected to actually sit on, and… that’s about it. Don’t get me wrong—I’m a fan of the floor-to-ceiling windows and two-story loft design. It would just be nice if a little more personality was infused within. Give me a fresco ceiling. An oversized demon statue. Something to change up the vibe a bit.
The good news is that this house at least has a wine cellar. It’s not huge, but it’ll hold enough vino for a weekend or two, depending on whether your ex posted a picture with his new girlfriend or not. The bad news is that it looks like there’s a Bible in the wine cellar which leads me to believe exorcisms or similar ceremonies of the sort could take place here. There’s also a door with a lock, which sure, stops people from getting in and stealing your booze. But does it also stop people from, you know, getting out? SpOokYyyy!
Spotted! A white room devoid of color except for a jewel-tone cushion! Technically a part of the (for some reason not underground) basement, this sitting room looks pretty much like all of the other sitting rooms. This could be part of the plan to disorient people and trap them inside. Truthfully, I did the virtual tour, and I got lost because every way I turned looked the same. The exception, of course, is that this particular sitting room also has a wet bar which is a fun change-up as long as you don’t expect to be poured a rich glass of red while snuggling up on those white couches. This is a clear drink only household, obvi.
If you needed a closer look at the bar, you might want to think twice. Oddly enough, this is the one part of the house that doesn’t really fit the modern haunted aesthetic. Instead, the bar feels more like something you’d see at the clubhouse of your grandparents’ timeshare in Fort Myers. Somewhat uninspiring but still, it holds alcohol and has a sink to wash the blood off your hands if things get shambly, so it technically gets the job done.
It wouldn’t be a boast-worthy listing without a modern kitchen complete with a breakfast nook, breakfast bar, oversized island, and high-end appliances you’ll never use. That said, you have to give credit where credit is due. As far as ideal kitchens go, this one is pretty legit. While the endless white is jarring in the rest of the house, it definitely works here. And even though you likely won’t live to see the morning-after pancakes in this place, it sure is a nice vision!
Off the kitchen is the formal dining room which seats 17 of your closest frenemies. With the intricate coffered ceiling and lighting fixtures that seem straight out of a hotel, it could easily double as a conference room or charming space for a satanic ritual… whichever you’re feeling that day.
Behold: One of the only not-white rooms in the entire 18,000-square-foot home. Admittedly, the rooms that aren’t white seem to be mostly wood, which isn’t a huge improvement but does add a nice air of entitlement. While I’d prefer a few more bookshelves, the library is still the perfect place to nestle in with a good novel or plot ways to destroy anyone who crosses you. Between the spiral staircase and the fact that you just know there’s a candlestick in there, it all feels very 1985 Clue to me.
If reading isn’t your thing, there are plenty of other ways to entertain yourself or your victims. Heading down to the (white) game room or retreating to the (also white) home theater could be the play here. You’ll obviously want to use caution so as to not spill on the (again, white) upholstery, but if you manage to make it through the evening’s activities without smudging the sofa, perhaps things won’t end up like the hallway scene from The Shining after all!
It wouldn’t be a Patrick Bateman-worthy estate without a space to maintain your “rigorous exercise routine.” The—you guessed it—white fitness center is located in the basement and is as crisp and sterile as you’d expect from a celebrity-style gym. After working on your core and doing 1,000 stomach crunches, you can head to the sauna to sweat out any remaining toxins or simply destress (despite the fact that you live better than 99% of the world).
Last but not least, we have to highlight the bedrooms. Truthfully, it’s hard to tell them apart since all of them are white with wood floors and blinding natural light. The only way to determine that this one is (probably) the master is thanks to the modern fireplace, balcony access, and sitting room complete with *sigh* a jewel-toned lounge set. On the plus side, it seems most of the bedrooms have walk-in closets and ensuite baths. Would I consider living in a clearly soon-to-be haunted house if it meant more closet space? Abso-f*cking-lutely.
And the final stop on our tour is in the master bath. In here you can find his and hers sinks, a detached waterfall shower, and this soaking tub that looks like a scene from basically every horror movie ever. The white all around, the picture window, and the tile design all point to one thing: This is not a tub you’ll make it out of. Is it because you’re so relaxed or because Joe Goldberg popped in to pay you a visit? That’s one secret I’ll never tell.
All in all, this house is, naturally, a piece of art. Yes, it looks like a place someone remodeled to hide the fact that generations of ghosts hang out here, but it’s got a resort-style swimming pool, multiple balconies, and just look at that sunset! That’s one view I’d, personally, die for.
Images: Zillow (16)
So, Paris Hilton turned 38 on Feb. 17. That might not seem like news, and it shouldn’t be, except that I noticed on Instagram stories that she’s still celebrating with friends literally an entire month later. Naturally. And by “celebrating with friends” I mean I spotted her awkwardly bopping around to music in her nightclub while mouthing “yasssss” in a series of Instagram stories over the weekend. Loves it.
And if you didn’t catch that, I said her nightclub. And I don’t mean it in the way Lindsay Lohan owns a beach club in Mykonos, I mean like, Paris Hilton has her own nightclub in her home. Across the hall from her movie theater. If you pass the bathroom with the diamond encrusted toilet, you’ve gone too far. Yes, if we were reminded of anything from this party, aside from the fact that Paris’s rekindled friendship with Kim Kardashian is still intact (Kim was not only present, but featured in a few of Paris’s Instagrams), it’s that she has a full-blown dance club in her house—complete with a stripper pole and DJ booth.
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Paris shared this photo below swinging from the pole like any 38-year-old millionaire dressed in head-to-toe glitter would, captioning that she’s living her best life. Understatement, but ok. This brings up some larger questions: Is there a dress code involved? What about security? And, most importantly, if you go to the nightclub in your own house, are you technically going out or staying in?
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After writing my mother a strongly worded letter about why I should’ve been a trust fund baby, I found myself lost in a rabbit hole of photos of Paris Hilton’s mansion. Not gonna lie, it was a real kick to the ego as I sat on my IKEA couch with a three-day-old red wine stain on it. So I thought it was a good idea for us to look through the pics together, because misery loves company. Paris Hilton’s mansion is insane, in more ways than one, and I need everybody to know about it.
Let’s start small(ish). Here we have the dog mansion—separate from her actual mansion—that she built for her pets, equipped with heating, air conditioning, and a f*cking chandelier. I also heard there may or may not be a big screen TV that plays The Simple Life season one on repeat for when the dogs get bored or need a little perspective on privilege and the value of a dollar. You’ll notice that the doggie furniture doesn’t have any wine stains on them, and that it’s larger than many Manhattan apartments.
My dogs live in this two-story doggy mansion that has air conditioning, heating, designer furniture, and a chandelier. Loves it pic.twitter.com/4dXAf5XPXV
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) August 25, 2017
And here’s a glimpse into Paris’ shoe closet, aka Kim Kardashian’s former place of employment!
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TBH, when I imagined what Paris Hilton’s closet looked like prior to this extensive research, this is spot-on to what I was thinking it would be. Paris is the modern day Cher Horowitz. Kylie Jenner’s closet full of handbags doesn’t even compare to Paris’s floor-to-ceiling, color-coordinated shoe closet. No wonder Kim’s entire job was just to organize it.
Speaking of Kylie Jenner, it’s easy to make comparisons between the youngest Kar-Jenner sister’s mansion and Paris’s. And, truthfully, I believe Paris Hilton deserves her own spread in Architectural Digest. While Kylie has framed photos of Marilyn Monroe, Barbie, and Trojan condoms adorning her walls, Paris takes her decor one step further. Where Kylie’s wall art serves as a testament to her own lack of personality, Paris’s is a case study in narcissism. For instance, there’s this giant self-portrait that’s made up of smaller photos of herself just casually chilling in her home. I’ve got to commend Paris on this—if you’re going to be conceited, at least be creative about it.
I have a giant portrait of myself in my house made up of tiny pics of me. Lol pic.twitter.com/hmH4xql9rt
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) August 19, 2017
But the literal shrine to Paris’s own self-involvement doesn’t end there. In another room, Paris has framed her magazine covers. Now, normally this is where I’d poke fun at the fact that one of the covers is from literally 2005, which feels like another century, but it’s not like I’ve ever graced the cover of Playboy, so who am I to judge? If I was on the cover of every magazine from Marie Claire to Vogue, I would not only frame that sh*t up in my apartment, I’d also carry around wallet-size photos to hand out to everyone I met like business cards.
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I’m so excited to judge the @YaDoggie #Halloween Costume Contest! My babies have been loving their @YaDoggie food! Get your pup in a Halloween costume & submit to win 1 Year of free dog food! I’ll pick from the top vote-getters! Enter with link in the @YaDoggie bio or at yadoggie.com/costume. Good luck! ??? (Link in bio??)
And finally, we have yet another room that screams, “I’m really f*cking rich!” (And obsessed with myself—check out that painting in the back.) I can only assume this is the kind of room that no one is actually allowed to enter, it just serves as a museum of money.
And there you have it, friends. Paris Hilton’s mansion. Do you feel poor yet? Great, same. While the jury is still out on if Paris has any other decor other than her own face (where are her mirrors? Does she have framed pictures of literally any other human?), you have to admit her home is pretty f*cking amazing. And I actually think Paris Hilton’s mansion gives us some great insight into her (very much existent) personality. Namely, I don’t think Paris Hilton takes herself all that seriously. Like, yeah, she has framed pictures of herself everywhere, but judging by the flippant way she talks about those pictures, I feel like it’s more because she thinks it’s funny than a compulsion to look at herself. Similarly, the way she uses her own catchphrase when sharing pictures of her dog mansion tells me that she built her dogs a palace not because she thinks her dogs need it, but because she can. Paris Hilton’s mansion is the definition of excess for excess’ sake. It’s fun. It’s ridiculous. But when you have that much money, why not?
Images: Shutterstock; parishilton / Instagram (5); ParisHilton / Twitter
It’s been less than two months since The Bachelor finale made us all want to punch our TVs, but it appears things are going well for Arie and Lauren, the least interesting couple in the history of relationships. They haven’t broken up yet, which is only mildly surprising, and this week they announced that they bought a house together in Arizona. Yay, wow, I’m so excited for them, what a wonderful couple. Ugh. When does Becca K’s season of The Bachelorette start?
I’m pretty sure you don’t need a refresher on what a douchebag Arie Luyendyk Jr. is, but let me quickly reiterate: he really fucking sucks. Nevertheless, Lauren, our favorite wooden doll, agreed to marry the pool noodle of a man who dumped her on national television (and then changed his mind). She has since moved across the country for him, and now they’ve invested in property together. Not to be cynical, but I feel strongly that every Bachelor couple should be together for a full year before making any major financial decisions together. Like, I’m sure they’re very in love, but we saw how that turned out with Nick and Vanessa, and pretty much ever other Bachelor couple for the past 15 years. Why do I watch this show again?
Like any good C-list couple, Arie and Lauren announced their exciting real estate news in an Us Weekly exclusive, because it’s all about earning that coin. They decided on the house after seeing almost 70 properties. Wow, Lauren is surprisingly picky about houses, considering that she apparently has literally no deal-breakers when it comes to choosing a man. The house is brand new, probably because when asked about the prospect of doing a remodel, Arie said, “Lauren was completely overwhelmed.” I mean, of course she was. That would’ve required her saying, like, words to contractors. Scary shit. Just imagine these two touring a house together:
Real estate agent: These counters are premium marble, imported from Tuscany.
Lauren: I love that.
Real estate agent: The master bathroom has a jacuzzi big enough for two.
Real estate agent: This picture window has stunning views of the mountains in the distance.
Lauren: Oh. Pretty.
The house they settled on is 2,600 square feet, which is plenty of space for them to avoid each other at all times. Lauren sounds like she’s mainly excited about the house because it has space for the dogs. “Our dogs are very excited. They are each going to have their own room … I mean it does have four bedrooms.” I can’t tell if she’s being serious (I don’t get the sense that she’s downloaded the sarcasm expansion pack yet), but it’s extreme 2018 nonsense to give your dogs two separate bedrooms.
In the interview, Lauren also talks about her big move from Virginia Beach to Phoenix to be with Arie. She says it’s been a really easy adjustment for her, but I’m not buying it. Lauren is like that new girl in 10th grade who was in three of your classes but never said a word. Do you even remember that girl’s name? Elizabeth? Emily? Exactly. Lauren says she’s been “making friends,” but unless these friends are also only capable of speaking the words “wow” and “I love that”, I have a hard time believing she’s making a big social splash in Phoenix.
Anyway, Lauren says that “It has been fun exploring the area and Arie is a really good tour guide, so that helps.” Yikes, that sounds bleak. I can’t imagine anything worse than being forced to explore Phoenix, Arizona with fucking Arie Luyendyk Jr. as my tour guide. I’ll do the self-guided tour, thanks. Since moving, Lauren has started real estate school, so someday she’ll be able to sell homes with all the charisma of an index card.
I’m happy for her, truly. Hopefully we won’t have to hear much from Arie and Lauren until the inevitable awful wedding, because they’ll be so busy not talking to each other in their shiny new house. Works for me, because I’ll be busy watching the new trash Bachelor spin-off.
Images: @ariejr / Instagram; Giphy