Everything about the world right now is weird, but celebrities are still finding new and exciting ways to shock us. This week, Grimes and Elon Musk had their baby, and while we weren’t expecting a traditional name from these two notorious weirdos, their alleged choice is even stranger than we could’ve imagined: X Æ A-12.
Just let that sink in for a second: X Æ A-12.
Remember when everyone freaked out over Gwyneth Paltrow naming her baby Apple? That was cute. Before you even ask, no, I have no f*cking clue how X Æ A-12 is pronounced. Or what it means. Or if it’s an actual legal name that you’re allowed to give a child. All I know is that it looks like fraternity letters mixed with the name of a spaceship, and I hate it. But while we wait for more details on what might be the worst baby name of all time, let’s take a look at some of the other weirdest celebrity baby names.
In the two years since Kylie announced her surprise baby, I feel like we’ve heard the name Stormi approximately one million times. At this point, I actually think it’s kind of cute, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s just not a name. Like, Kylie took a weather condition that’s not even a good one, then messed up the spelling. I’m honestly mad at how well it works, but I really hope that normal people don’t start doing this for their names. We don’t need kids named Hurrikayn and Flurri running around.
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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s baby was in the first major wave of weird celeb name choices, but unlike some of the more tame ones, this still bothers me. I wouldn’t love Bronx on its own, but MOWGLI? As in, the feral child from The Jungle Book, who kind of sucks as a character?? I just need to know the thought process here. Ashlee’s second child, with Evan Ross, is named Jagger Snow, which is still interesting, but a little less puzzling. She just announced she’s pregnant again, so I can’t wait to see what she cooks up this time.
Cricket Pearl & Birdie Leigh
Busy Philipps, what is you doin? I guess coming from a woman named Elizabeth, but who chooses to go by Busy, this really isn’t a surprise. Birdie Leigh really just sounds like a name that came out of a Tumblr generator in 2011, so I’m not that mad, but Cricket Pearl? If my mom named me Cricket, I would be so f*cking mad. Like, that is a literal insect, can you not?
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Out of context, Charlie Wolf is a pretty normal name. Wolf is an interesting middle name choice, but I kind of like it! The weird thing here is that three (3) different celebs have chosen this exact name in the last five years. THREE! Zooey Deschanel was the first to claim it, back in 2017. Then, last fall, Lauren Conrad announced the same name for her second baby. Coincidence? Maybe, who knows. But then, just a month later, Bachelor alums Carly and Evan chose the same name!! Names are hard, and there’s nothing wrong with taking some inspiration, but they had to know the tabloids would be all over these matching names. Wait… maybe that’s exactly what they wanted?
As an avid skateboarder and a former Scientologist, it’s no surprise that actor Jason Lee wanted a unique name. But this? He named his son Pilot Inspektor, which sounds like the name they’d give an incompetent spy played by Steve Carrell in a comedy movie. Lee said that he chose “Pilot” after one of his favorite songs, but that doesn’t explain the tragedy of a middle name that is Inspektor. If you’re going to name your child after a random English word, at least spell it correctly?
Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Buddy Bear, Petal Blossom Rainbow, & River Rocket
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You’d be forgiven for thinking these were the names of the Care Bears, and not actual human children. Celeb chef Jamie Oliver has five children with Juliette Norton, and each of their kids’ names sounds like it was specifically selected to make me uncomfortable. I think my personal (least) favorite is Daisy Boo Pamela, just for the sheer randomness of Pamela being tacked on the end. But I also love Buddy Bear, which should be a nickname for a stuffed animal, not a child.
Apollo Bowie Flynn & Zuma Nesta Rock
Remember back when Gwen Stefani was cool? Before she was wifed up by Blake Shelton, she and Gavin Rossdale had three kids together, and two of the names are bizarre. Kingston, you get a pass on this list. But Apollo Bowie Flynn and Zuma Nesta Rock are both just doing way too much. Triple names are already a mouthful, and these ones are total sensory overload.
Lockett & Lazer
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My son’s are too young to understand the complexities of what’s happening. But they aren’t anxious and nervous like the rest of us. They live in a house with their grandmother who is the most vulnerable. I have been in contact with hundreds of people in the past four weeks… And I’m staying away from the house until I am cleared of the virus. This hurts because I miss them so much they are what makes me wake up every day and live and breath, they are my ultimate joy, but this is my sacrifice to make sure everyone around me is safe.. I haven’t had this much time home in years, and I wanted to build Legos and watch movies with them.. But for now im just going to stay by the window and listen to them play drums and sing for me .. Think about others in every decision you make in the coming weeks. This isn’t A drill.. We already have enough news from Italy Iran Korea and China about the best ways to slow this.. We need to be smart, going out and interacting with groups is canceled, but kindess is not canceled, Love is not canceled, empathy is not canceled. Happiness is not canceled… Stay strong for the ones who can’t right now
Did you know Diplo has two kids? Well, now you do! He has two sons, Lockett and Lazer, which sound like names of super villains in a futuristic Disney Channel Original Movie (Jessie and James from Team Rocket are shaking). They’re definitely not the strangest names on this list, but they’re not normal, either. Early in the quarantimes, Diplo posted a super sweet video of him seeing his sons through a window, explaining that he had to isolate away from them for everyone’s safety. Aaaaand now I’m crying.
Moon Unit, Dweezil, & Diva Muffin
Rounding out this list, we have what I feel is the worst collective set of names, maybe ever. Frank Zappa was a musician known for his avant-garde work, and he chose pretty avant-garde names for his own kids, too. While most of the ones on this list are from the last ~15 years. Frank Zappa named his daughter Moon Unit way back in 1967! He followed that up with Dweezil and Diva Muffin, both of which are really astonishingly strange. Honestly, if I had to choose between being named X Æ A-12 and Diva Muffin, I might choose X Æ A-12. At least X Æ A-12 isn’t going to earn me a lifetime of vagina puns. There, I said it!
People can name their babies whatever they want, and maybe these unique choices are better than all those women from your hometown who just slap an “-eigh” on any old name and call it a day. There are lots of Kayleighs in the world, but I’m pretty sure there’s only one Daisy Boo Pamela. But please, don’t name your kid Daisy Boo Pamela. Literally anything else.
Images: Sky Cinema / Shutterstock.com; ashleesimpsonross, laurenconrad, jamieoliver, diplo / Instagram
Naming another human being is a huge responsibility. From the second you sign that newborn’s name on its birth certificate, you are deciding their fate. So don’t f*ck it up. Have you ever met an attractive guy on Hinge named Clarence? Or a popular girl in high school named Dorian? I rest my case. Frankly, most names on Baby Center’s “Most Popular Baby Names of 2018” article (from which I based this article) are fairly normal, if overdone: Emma, Olivia, Liam, and Noah all made the cut. But I’ve compiled a list of the weirdest and worst baby names that somehow made it onto the list and left us all wondering, “who the f*ck let them name their kid that?”
Yeah, celebs are notorious for naming their kids obscure things, but even without a few million dollars to your name and
a sex tape being verified on Instagram, you can still commit some heinous crimes against your child by giving them a name that will cause them to be mocked for their entire adolescence. Cut your future kid, and society as a whole, some slack and don’t name them any of these terrible baby names on this list.
I’m sorry, but if you didn’t just give birth to an 80-year-old woman who plays bridge and drinks lemon and hot water, you should not name your child this. WTF did that child do to deserve this name?
Sleeping Beauty, is that you? To be honest, the only problem I have with this name is that it’s also the name of a Disney princess from 1959. If you want your daughter to get pricked by a spindle and lay lifeless until a man comes and rescues her, maybe you should invest in a copy of Chimamanda Adichie’s We Should All Be Feminist and reconsider starting a family just yet.
Nova means “A star that suddenly becomes thousands of times brighter then gradually fades to its original intensity.” So if you are saying your child peaked when they were born and will just go downhill from there, then go right ahead. It also refers to a type of smoked salmon, which is infinitely worse. But I suggest, instead of setting your kid up for failure, invest in some birth control and study this list of the worst baby names before having a child.
Is this because your child was conceived in the capital of Niger? If you didn’t even know where Niamey is (like me, thanks Google), then scratch this name off your list pronto. This isn’t the same as naming your kid Paris after you and your bae got piss drunk on your last vacay and forgot a condom. But like, don’t do that either because that is also very cringeworthy.
Let’s be real, Mason is definitely not the worst name on this list. But I can’t help but think that the people naming their children Mason are either Kardashian superfans or hippies living out of their vans. You might as well just name your kid after your favorite vegetable while you’re at it (@gwenythpaltrow)—Mason Kale has a nice ring to it.
Sebastian the Crab. Some say he is the hero of The Little Mermaid, I say he’s annoying, but potayto, potahto. Like Nora, Sebastian is one of those names that I have trouble picturing as a baby but have no problem imagining in an old age home playing cards. Then again, babies and an old men are basically the same thing, since they both wear diapers and need lots of attention. So congrats on the birth of your octogenarian!
Why? Just why. This is why non-white people make fun of us. No list of the worst baby names of 2018 would be complete without a weird af spelling for what is otherwise a very typical name. You know what’s worse than naming your child an absurd name? Naming your child a normal name but spelling it like an asshole. Is the X really necessary? I hope you are happy with people spelling your child’s name wrong for the rest of their life, all thanks to you. Good luck sleeping at night.
Mateo is the Spanish spelling of Matthew. So if you are Latino, then like, I can’t really be mad about the spelling of this one. But if you’re not a native Spanish speaker (I will also accept Italian), then, like the name Jaxon, your kid is going to deal with misspelled Starbucks cups his entire life. Just saying.
Images: Dakota Corbin / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
In the words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and take a Xanax every once in a while, you might literally explode.” Or something. 24 hours ago I was stalking Kylie Jenner’s Instagram like a psycho to figure out what she might name her baby, and then fucking Stormi happened. So yeah, I might not have predicted the name correctly, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to use those two psych classes I took in college and try to figure out what the fuck Kylie is thinking. And by that I mean more Instagram stalking, duh.
I’ll admit it, when Kylie announced the name on her Instagram yesterday, it caught me by surprise. First of all, the name fucking sucks, but I mostly didn’t expect her to announce it so quickly after casually being a hermit for her entire nine months of pregnancy. Kylie was obviously going through social media withdrawals while she was pregnant, so get ready for her to return to full thirst trap status by March at the latest, but probably with a few more stretch marks this time. But today we’re here to talk about poor Stormi Webster, and why her mother did her so wrong.
First of all, we know Kylie didn’t choose this name at the last minute. Family members were reportedly buying customized gifts for the baby back in January, which means that Kylie really knew what she wanted. But how did she settle on such a fucking weird name?
An obvious meaning could be that Stormi represents all the controversy and scandal that Kylie and her family have dealt with over the years. Like, congrats to Kylie for making it through all the #stormi times, you go girl. I just threw up a little while typing that, but it would at least kind of make sense. Like, not enough sense to make it worth picking as the name for your first-born child, but whatever. Kylie’s not like, classically known for her good decisions.
Maybe Kylie is just really into current events right now, and has been inspired by the courage and big boobs of porn star-turned-Trump truther Stormy Daniels. It would be a little much for them to have the exact same name, but just add the stripper ‘i’ at the end, et voilà! One perfect baby name. Can you tell how much we love the name?
While we were obviously not victorious in predicting Kylie’s baby name, we have to give a shoutout to Breanne Durbin, who is apparently a legitimate psychic and predicted the name on Twitter on January 1. Breanne, please immediately go to a casino or something, because you have a true talent and we aspire to be like you.
I’m predicting it now, @KylieJenner and @trvisXX baby’s name will be Stormy RT if you agree #prediction
— Breanne Durbin (@BreanneDurbin) January 1, 2018
Congrats Breanne, you’re officially better than us. I swear to god, I’m going to start billing little Stormi Webster for my therapy sessions, because honestly this child has been my main source of stress over the past week.
Being a dedicated follower of the Kardashian/Jenner family is serious business, so let’s get to work. After the last six months of playing Nancy Drew to try and figure out if Kylie was actually pregnant, the bundle of joy is finally fucking here. Now it’s time to figure out what Kylie named her baby. There’s no rest for the wicked, so chug an espresso and perk the fuck up. Join us as we go on a scavenger hunt across the internet for the secret name of the world’s first Lip Kit heiress.
Let’s start with what we know for sure. Kylie most likely did not name her daughter North, Penelope, Chicago, or Dream. Those are kind of taken. Now we can move on into more speculative territory. Hold on, because this is where things get murky.
The most popular current theory is that Kylie decided to go with Butterfly, or something related to butterflies. Ugh. There’s actually a fair amount of evidence here, so let’s unpack. Last summer, Kylie and Travis Scott got matching butterfly tattoos, and through the scientific method of counting the months backward, we can deduce that they most likely got the tattoos after finding out she was pregnant. Kylie’s also been seen wearing multiple pieces of butterfly jewelry on Snapchat in recent months, and her pregnancy video/Black Mirror episode also showed a nursery covered in butterfly decorations.
Other butterfly-related options are Monarch, Mariposa (the spanish word for butterfly), or Vanessa (which is another kind of butterfly). We don’t mind the first two, but please God don’t let this fucking baby be named Vanessa. She’s a Jenner, not an employee at Claire’s.
My personal theory is that Kylie named her daughter after one of her lip kit colors. It’s just the sort of thing that would get people talking and generate buzz, and some of the names are actually pretty normal. I don’t know exactly which one is the name, but there are a few choices that seem most likely.
Mary Jo is a classic red shade, and it’s one that Kylie loves rocking. This shade is named after Kris’ mom, aka MJ, who is the baby’s great grandmother. This would be a nice classic nod to both family and lipstick, and it gets bonus points for being a real name!
We honestly believe that Kylie would name her child Velvet. This shade, from her most recent holiday collection, is called Red Velvet, and she also has a whole line of velvet liquid lipsticks. Clearly Kylie loves velvet, and it’s not the weirdest name we’ve ever heard. I mean, Kim literally just named her daughter Chicago.
Our last guess is a throwback to one of the original three lip kit shades, Candy K. What if it was meant to be a name all along? Kylie used to say that this was her favorite lip kit of all, and everyone loves a classic. Candy is technically a name, just ask Aaron Carter. Kylie also got a flower arrangement delivered to her in the shape of the letter “C”, so this theory is shaping up more and more.
So realistically, we don’t have a fucking clue what Kylie is going to do, but all of these ideas are honestly not that hard to believe. Stay tuned, because you better believe we’ll have some thoughts the second she announces the actual name.
Yesterday we mentioned that Khloé Kardashian may be expecting a boy. At the time, the only person reporting this was USWeekly which, much like your friend during a blackout, is not always the most reliable source. Now, this same news is being reported by People, aka the friend-who-can-inexplicably-hold-their-liquor-in-all-circumstances of celebrity gossip mags, and it is much more credible. So I guess it’s a boy for Khloé Kardashian and Tristan Thompson. Now we must move onto the most important q: What are they going to name him? Being that they are celebrities, I’m assuming normal names like “Stephen” or “Jeff” are totally off the table, though I do love the idea of a Jeff Kardashian. He’d probably grow up to be an accountant, move to the midwest, and start going by Jeffrey Kardash or something.
Is Jeff my new favorite Kardashian? Perhaps. Anyway, here are some other routes Khloé can take for naming her child if the whole Jeff thing doesn’t pan out:
EX: Kristopher Kardashian, Krumble Kardashian, Kremlin Kardashian, Twitter Thompson, Thimble Tompson, Thompson Thompson
You’d think an alliterative name would be a no-brainer for a Kardashian, but this is actually a little tricky given Khloé’s current sitch. Given that both father and mother’s names are alliterative, how will they choose between TT and KK? The two are not married, so the baby’s last name is kind of up for grabs. Also like, babies can just have their mom’s last names now. That’s just like, the rules of feminism. Of course, they could split the diff and have his initials be KT or TK, but giving up a branding opportunity is not usually in the Kardashians’ wheelhouse. Also, most of the Kardashians have opted to not go the KK route, so I guess it all depends on how much Khloé wants to
suck up to Kris keep the family tradition alive.
EX: Sebastian Kardashian, Fabian Kardashian, Tom Thompson, Thomp S. Thompson (the S stands for “Son”)
Not really sure how this one would work with the last name options “Kardashian” and “Thompson,” but they could always go the North West route and name their baby something “fun.” I personally think it’s kind of fucked up to treat your child’s birth certificate like a mad lib, but whatever. The baby is going to be rich af so I don’t think having a crazy-ass name will hurt him.
EX: Ichabod Kardashian, Phinneas Kardashian, Rupert Thompson, Eugene Thompson
Naming your baby after a character from a book you
didn’t read in high school is like, all the rage amongst celebrities and hipsters these days. I mean, babies are basically tiny old people anyway, so why not name them something that suggests they’re 95 and not 5 months old? Most Kardashians have opted not to go this route, though you could argue that Penelope was kind of over as a name until Kourtney and Scott brought it back. Maybe Khloé could go back in her ancestry and find an old name that would suit her son. “Orenthal James” could work. “OJ” for short!
Just A Random-Ass Word
EX: Water Bottle Kardashian, Café Kardashian, Xanax Kardashian, Tomato Kardashian, Rock Thompson, Laptop Thompson
If I was a betting woman (I’m not because I have no money), I’d bet that Khloé will go this route, mainly because it’s what all her sisters, her brother, and literally every celebrity have done for the past 10 years. The formula is simple. You pick a random word that is not a name, and then you write that word on your child’s birth certificate. Voilà! It is now a name! For more examples of this, see: Dream Kardashian, Saint West, Reign Disick, Apple Martin, Blue Ivy Carter, etc…etc…etc…