How To Take Summer Thirst Traps When We Can’t Leave Our Homes

Memorial Day Weekend is upon us, and I know this not because I’ve been keeping track of the days in any real way, but because my mother notified me about it in our family group chat, and quickly followed that sentiment up with a, “guess you’re coming home because there’s nothing else you can do.” It’s like she knows just where to hurt me. Usually Memorial Day Weekend is the symbolic start of summer, a time when people crowd any body of water that they can find, oil themselves with enough tanning lotion to grease a tarmac, and black out in honor of our troops. I believe that’s the freedom they fought for anyway. 

This year is going to look a little different, though, thanks to the Hunger Games fan-fiction world we suddenly find ourselves living in. Quarantine has stolen so much from us these days: happy hours, vacations, a reason for me to wash my hair. But there’s one thing I won’t let quarantine take from me. Nay, I REFUSE to let quarantine take from me: my thirst traps. Memorial Day was always my fun excuse to start flooding my IG feed with light nudity and excessive cleavage shots, all in the name of “summer”! And even though this year the biggest body of water I’ll be near is the hose in my parents’ backyard, I still want to keep the thirst level high. So, here’s a look at all the ways you can make the most of your thirst trapping without the sun, sand, or any salty facial expressions from your mother.

Take It Out Of The Sun

View this post on Instagram

my midnight snack🥣

A post shared by Kalani Hilliker🦋 (@kalanihilliker) on

The foundation for any summer thirst trap has always been laid with sunny settings. I might not be one to pose in lingerie on my bed (though more power to you if you do!), but I am the first girl to show off her bikini the second the temperature rises above 63 degrees outside. That said, we’re living in a new era now. Without vacations, day trips to the beach, pool days, or really any sunning activities that can’t be done from the crumbling roof of your apartment complex, we need to start getting creative here. And no one does creative sensual selfies better than the Dance Mom kids I follow on Instagram. Sure, they might not even be able to legally drink yet, but you know what? These girls are WISE beyond their years. When I was their age, my idea of a “tasteful” Instagram post involved a close-up of my chest so you could see my bedazzled sorority letter shirt better. Meanwhile, these girls are out here innocently posing with Cheerios and gazing longingly at the sun like a true VSCO girl. Take a note out of these girls’ books and get creative with your location! Pose in the kitchen! On the bathroom counter! Next to your brother’s protein shakes! The possibilities are really endless. 

Props Are Important

View this post on Instagram


A post shared by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on

If you’re finding yourself quarantined with your parents and are wondering how to subtly trick them into taking a picture of you spread eagle in front of your mother’s prized garden without any running commentary about how you’re ruining the family’s good name, then my solution for you is this: use a prop as a distraction. Preferably a human and/or canine prop.

The Kardashians are famous for this. They know that it’s harder for people to talk sh*t about them when they’re using their children as human shields. I mean, people will still talk sh*t because people are monsters, but it will be harder for them to do so. Tell your mom you want a casual photo cuddling the family dog or a candid with your least annoying nephew. If your back should be arched and the angle you’re standing at should also be the best angle to show off your butt and/or cleavage, then that’s all just coincidence, mom! It’s not your fault that you’re so photogenic and statuesque that a Russian bot just left a bunch of tongue out emojis on your IG post with little Jimmy! Geez.

Turn It Into A TikTok

View this post on Instagram

Kylie is about to become the queen or Tiktok👑 (via @stassiebaby)

A post shared by @ kylietiktoks on

I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this, but why stop at a thirst trap when you can turn it into a full-on work of art? Usually, my stance on TikTok is that it’s a stain upon humanity and the reason culture is dying, but after three months in quarantine my brain has melted I’m willing to let the masses have this one nice thing. TikTok can be fun because it can either show that a person is hot AND has some sort of personality, or it can just show that a person is really hot. Really, it’s a win-win either way, but I’ll let you be the judge as to how Kylie and Stassie come off.

Take Advantage Of Your Assets

View this post on Instagram

I shot this myself on photo booth — Coming soon: @SKIMS Summer Mesh — a collection of easy and effortless pieces made for warm weather. Available in 5 colors and in sizes XXS – 4X on Thursday, May 21 at 9AM PST / 12PM EST. Join the waitlist now at SKIMS.COM to receive early access to shop. #ShotByMe

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

And no, I’m not talking about your boobs, you perv. It’s the 21st century, y’all, and we no longer need an actual person to take our picture! This is great news for those of us, like me, whose photographer options include her dog or her mother, who likes to take pictures so far zoomed in that you can see every single one of my pores. Tripods, selfie sticks, self timer, Photobooth—the possibilities are truly endless. If Kim K can use her assistant’s MacBook Pro to shoot a clothing campaign for her million-dollar shapewear line, then you can figure out take a tasteful cleavage selfie. No excuses. 

And there you have it! All the thirst trapping tips to get your mom off your back and your ex sliding into your DMs. You can thank me in the comments. Ciao!

Images: Drew Dau / Unsplash; @kimkardashian, @kylietiktoks, @khloekardashian, @kalanihilliker /Instagram (1)

The Top Celebrities Who Need To Get Off TikTok

If you’re reading this right now, you’re probably bored at home. Honestly, I’m feeling pretty content with my social distancing situation right now, but we already know that not all celebrities are actually following the rules. But there are plenty of celebs who are staying at home right now, and I applaud them! But they’re obviously just as bored as the rest of us, and it’s causing a crisis of a different kind: they’re all joining TikTok.

Celebrities have been getting on TikTok since last year, to varying degrees of delight and cringe. Megan Thee Stallion twerking? I love it—can’t get enough. But for many of the other famous non-teenagers trying to stay relevant, the content is just not it. In this period of having so much time on our hands, let’s take a look at some of the celebs who might need to find a different hobby.

Howie Mandel

@officialhowiemandelRubber Glove Challenge ##rubberglovechallenge ##newchallenge ##nostalgia ##og ##howiemandel ##fyp♬ Hey You There – Soulja Boy Tell’em

As surprising as this may sound, Howie Mandel is not new to TikTok. He was an early adopter last year, and he has millions of followers. Good for him, but I’m sorry, I just don’t need to see an adult man trying to fit his entire head into a rubber glove. Watching this made me viscerally uncomfortable, and that’s not the kind of content I need in my life right now. Also, aren’t we supposed to be saving the gloves for healthcare professionals? Howie, please do less.

Hannah Ann Sluss

@hannahannslussCan I be your ##1 babyyyyy!?! @baskinchampion @aloyoga ##foryoupage ##fyp ##tiktok ##bestfriend ##kisses♬ Young Thug – Relationship (feat. Future) – oouumanii_

Of course Hannah Ann is on TikTok, and of course the videos are obnoxious. She’s posted two different videos doing this dance with different friends this week, which makes it seem like she’s probably not properly socially distancing. But more interestingly, the other woman in this video is Baskin Champion, who’s best known for having an extremely brief fling with Justin Bieber exactly two years ago. I f*cking hate that I knew that without even looking it up, but that’s just how my brain works.

Madison Prewett

@madiprewattempt number 1.. ##socialdistancing ##beach ##dancechallenge ##canttouchthis ##xyzbca ##fyp♬ original sound – madiprew

Misery loves company, and Hannah Ann isn’t the only Bachelor finalist trying too hard on TikTok these days. Madi has been struggling to learn a TikTok dance on a beach this week, so she should probably just cut her losses and go inside. Just last week, she was hanging out with Selena Gomez, but Selena clearly declined to be featured in Madi’s mediocre TikToks. Good choice, Selena.

Hailey Bieber

@haileybieberwe finally joined the tik tok world! we tried 🤷🏼‍♀️♬ 2livesounds – 2live.d

This might be the most troubling celebrity TikTok of all. So far, Hailey Bieber has only posted one video, of her and Justin Bieber doing a dance. Justin looks like he’d rather be licking the pavement in Italy than doing this video, and I feel the same way about watching it. I really need to know how many times Justin’s publicist begged him to do a TikTok, because this feels incredibly forced. We’ll see how many more videos Hailey forces him to do before we’re allowed to go outside, but I won’t be following this cursed content.

Melissa Gorga

@melissagorgaLove this song💕 ##sayso ##foryoupage ##quarentine♬ Say So – Doja Cat

More and more Real Housewives have been turning to TikTok in these dark times, and whatever, why not. When RHONJ star Melissa Gorga posted a video with her whole family earlier this week, I thought it was cute! Her kids are totally adorable, and I always love a Joe Gorga appearance. But now, it appears that Melissa has gone fully stir crazy, and is just posting lame dance videos like everyone else. To put it in Melissa’s own words, “STOP HURTING US.”

Ashley Tisdale

@ashleytisdaleMy work out while on Self Quarantine. I can’t believe I remembered it 😝♬ original sound – ashbash2425

Ashley Tisdale has been on TikTok for a few months, and whatever, she’s having fun. But this video of her doing High School Musical choreography really sent me over the edge. The problem here is that she says in the caption that “I can’t believe I remembered it,” but none of us are buying this. You know Ashley has been waiting YEARS to bust this choreography out to get some clout, so this is a literal dream for her! While Gabriella is over on IG Live getting herself canceled, Sharpay is totally cashing in on TikTok—good for her, I guess.

Hannah Brown

@hannahkbrownTHE CLOSEST* Tyler has ever gotten to getting in my pants. ##fyp ##fliptheswitch ##lifeathome @katedooley0 @olivia.faria @tylerjcameron3♬ Nonstop – Drake

As anyone with a working internet connection knows by now, Hannah and Tyler are currently with approximately six other people practicing some questionable social distancing in Florida. No one is cashing in on the quarantine clout more than Hannah and Tyler, who have gone from being secretive to flaunting their maybe-relationship in a matter of days. I really can’t with these group TikToks, because they just feel so thirsty. But really, I guess that’s the whole point of celebrities being on TikTok. Whatever, call me when they’re officially dating.

Which celebrities have been keeping you sane—or making you lose your mind—on TikTok? There is truly so much content happening right now, and I’m desperate for anything that won’t make me want to throw my phone out the window.

Images: Getty Images; TikTok