I’m starting to think that some celebrities are just thirsty for quarantine press, whether it’s good or bad. I mean, they say all press is good press, so it tracks. Remember last week, when Tori Spelling got backlash for charging $95 to attend a “virtual meet & greet”? Well, one of the thirstiest women in the world just came along and made that look like child’s play. That’s right—it’s Blac Chyna!
It’s been a minute since we checked in on Blac Chyna, but she’s one of my favorite former-almost-Kardashians. For the past few years, she and Rob have still been battling in court over custody, child support, and a hundred other issues, but it looks like Chyna has a plan to make money for the time being: charging exorbitant prices for social interaction. On her Lashed Cosmetics website, in addition to false lashes and lipstick, she’s charging $250 to follow you back on Instagram, and a whopping $950 for a FaceTime call.
In case you just blacked out after reading that, let me reiterate: to FaceTime with Blac Chyna, it will cost you NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS. Sorry, just blacked out again, but I’m back. When I heard about Tori Spelling’s virtual selfie scheme, it seemed a little ridiculous. I mean, $95 is a lot of money. But the idea that anyone would pay TEN TIMES THAT, nearly $1,000, for a FaceTime call with Blac Chyna is completely unbelievable to me. Also, it would be nice if some or all of the money was being donated to a charitable cause, but the website says nothing about that.
If, for whatever reason, this opportunity is super appealing to you, but your bank account is running a little low at the moment, Chyna still has you covered. Instead of paying the $950 all at once, there’s a payment plan that lets you make four monthly payments of $237.50. Très affordable! Wow, who knew Blac Chyna was a charitable icon?! She’s doing even more to help the poor than Justin Bieber! Even without the context of a global pandemic, during which millions are struggling to make ends meet, this would be insane.
I truly can’t get over how absurd this whole thing seems. Like, if you want to spend money to meet one of your favorite celebrities, fine. Honestly, the whole Tori Spelling thing was probably blown out of proportion, and there are certain people I might shell out $95 to talk to. I might even spend more than that for a Cameo, especially if it was for a special occasion. But that’s $95. The fact that Blac Chyna thinks a FaceTime call with her is worth $950 blows my mind, and I desperately need to know if anyone is actually paying for this. If you’re spending nearly my monthly rent to FaceTime Blac Chyna, I’m begging you to slide into my DMs, because I have no less than one thousand questions about your life/finances, and a much more charitable cause for you to spend your money on (my aforementioned rent).
Images: Jamie Lamor Thompson / Shutterstock.com; blacchyna / Instagram
There are many an issue that keep me up at night (and by “up at night” I mean until my self-designated bedtime of 11pm). For one, why won’t Dick Wolf give us at least one episode of Law & Order: SVU that features a shirtless Carisi? I’ve only been aggressively tweeting this suggestion at him for the last six seasons. Or, like, will I die alone? Then, of course, there’s also why the hell is everyone so obsessed with Selena Gomez?
Lately it feels like I can’t go one day without reading a headline about Selena Gomez. Whether it’s to psychoanalyze in minute detail each and every line of her new music or to report on the more hard-hitting stuff in her life, like her Instagram comments, the girl is f*cking everywhere. Her fame feels all-consuming, almost rabid, and on the same scale as mega celebrities like Beyoncé and Jennifer Aniston. Sometimes I feel like just uttering the words “Selena Gomez” on the internet sends people into a blood frenzy of speculation and gossip. The obsession with her is next level and her fans are beyond loyal. Case in point: she’s one of the world’s most followed people on Instagram, despite the fact that she hasn’t released a new album since 2015 and she’s not afraid to go dark on social media every few months.
The rabidness of her fan base feels a bit unwarranted. Now, don’t get it twisted, I am one of these rabid fans. I’ve been a huge fan of Selena’s ever since she was on Wizards of Waverly Place (RIP) and, quite frankly, carried the entire goddamn show. I still, to this day, go about vocally voicing at parties that if I could switch lives with anyone it would be Selena Gomez. And I say that with a straight face and everything!! But even I’m confused by her fame. I mean, what is she really famous for? Yeah, she publicly makes out with Justin Bieber once every four years, but that’s about how long it takes her to put out a new single too. I was under the impression that her fan base included me and any other person born in the 90s who got way too excited about Disney+. So, how does she stay so relevant? She’s sporadic at best with releasing new music, comes in and out of the public eye, and her last acting gig took place when side bangs and chunky belts were still in style. To put things into perspective, Brenda Song has the exact same resume, and you don’t see people salivating at the mouth to publish a story on who she’s feuding with on IG.
So what is it that makes her so goddamn popular? Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet and I have discussed this issue AT LENGTH over Gchat at work (yes, we want to get fired, we’re begging for it actually). She’s of the mind that Selena’s rabid fan base has an underlying foundation of pity built into it, like how the media always writes her as the wronged woman in the Justin-Hailey Saga (kind of like how the media did to Jennifer Aniston about… everybody she was ever with). But, then again, these are also things Sweetest Betch has said about her coworker’s child whenever she visits the office and begs for quarters for the vending machine. I get what she’s saying, though: people love to root for a scorned woman, and no one has been burned more than Selena Gomez. Still, you’d think pity can only go so far. So, I want to break down Selena Gomez’s appeal one factor at a time.
Her Squad
I think part of Selena’s appeal is the way she flaunts her female friendships. If you take one look at her IG, you’ll see countless images of Selena with her friends—and not just the famous ones, either! (Though, for someone who claims to value her privacy, she certainly isn’t afraid to tout her high-profile relationships either *cough* Taylor Swift *cough, cough*). It gives people the impression that anyone can be a part of her squad. Like, that girl who starred in The Cutting Edge 4: Fire & Ice who gave Selena her spare kidney, or me a random fan who keeps flooding her DMs with positive affirmations she found on Pinterest.
And the way she showcases these friendships is honestly masterful. This is a girl who has ditched every friend she ever made any time Justin Bieber decides to slide back into her DMs, and we’re to believe she’s this self-partnered, girl power, feminist icon? Look, I love Selena, but do I think she would ditch girls night in a heartbeat if an ex texted her “hey”? You bet your ass I do. But, again, this is what makes her so relatable. Who among us hasn’t skipped out early during a girls night out just to meet up with a guy whose idea of romance is splitting the Uber pool? And despite her apparent flakiness with friendships, her girls still back her up, still welcome her back with open arms after a messy breakup. Seeing that kind of loyalty in her girl squad inspires loyalty in her fans.
She Leaves You Wanting More
Another part of her allure is the way she handles social media at the most high profile of times. Remember when she broke up with The Weeknd and started publicly hanging out with Justin Bieber like it was no big thing? Or that time we found out she was hospitalized and almost died? Or that time Justin Bieber GOT MARRIED to Hailey Baldwin two months after he and Selena broke up? Instead of posting cryptic IG stories about deserving more (I see you, Khloé Kardashian) or testing Instagram’s nipple visibility policy with thirst traps (I see YOU, Kylie Jenner) she just like, lived her life. She posted normal pics with friends at dinner or in sweat pants hanging at home, or she posted nothing at all. I remember thinking when the news broke about Justin and Hailey dating, “where is your feminine rage?” and, “blink once if you need me to key his car!!” Instead, she handled the situation by saying nothing at all. It’s like when someone leaves you on read—it makes you that much more interested in them.
She Seems Real AF
I think what really draws people to Selena Gomez more than anything else is that she seems really down-to-earth. She’s been open about her struggles with mental health and her body image. She’s just as likely to post a thirst trap pic as one of her pounding pasta. She’s not afraid to be vulnerable to the public, either. Let’s not forget that one time, fresh off of one her breakups with Justin Bieber, she started crying in the middle of her 2014 AMAs performance. Crying in public over an ex (or just a Ship bro who didn’t follow me back on IG) is sort of my thing, and I’m sorry but HOW CAN YOU NOT RELATE TO THAT.
So, there you have it: the allure of Selena Gomez as best as I can describe it. One day when I’m explaining this to my grandkids I can point to these three reasons as a valid excuse for following @JelenaGoals well into my 20s. I’m going to go with that, or I’m just going to assume her fan base is comprised entirely of Russian bots. It’s anyone’s guess!
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (1); @selenagomez /Instagram (3)
Feminism is, at its core, a relatively simple concept. Merriam-Webster defines it as “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” Unless you’ve been trapped in a bunker since the 1950s or serving in the two highest offices of the United States, you’ll probably concede that this is a good idea. Yet according to a survey by GenForward, less than 20% of participants belonging to any racial or ethnic group self-identify as feminist, with most saying they “don’t identify as a traditional feminist, but support women’s rights and equality.” This cognitive dissonance is even more glaring when we look at celebrities’ interpretations of the term. Given their power and influence, it also makes it that much more disappointing. Below are five famous women who at one point or another have refused to identify as feminist, despite very clearly supporting feminist ideas. Celebrities—they’re just as clueless as like us!
1. Taylor Swift
When asked in a 2012 interview with The Daily Beast whether she considers herself a feminist, Taylor Swift said, “I don’t really think about things as guys versus girls. I never have. I was raised by parents who brought me up to think if you work as hard as guys, you can go far in life.” So adorable. While this is a lovely way to think, it presupposes, incorrectly, that feminism is a movement fueled by the hatred of men. On the contrary, feminism is about uniting men and women and putting them on equal footing. Luckily, Taylor has since changed her tune.
2. Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus skirted around the issue in a 2014 interview with Elle by saying, “I’m just about equality, period. It’s not like, ‘I’m a woman, women should be in charge!’ I just want there to be equality for everybody.” Miley’s concept of feminism suffers from a similar flaw in logic as Taylor’s: it assumes that the movement is about uprooting men and taking away their power. However, it’s not an either-or proposition. Both men and women can and should have opportunities to be in power and “in charge”. Crazy, I know.
3. Susan Sarandon
Susan Sarandon, actress and occasional problematic person, had this to say about identifying as a feminist in a 2013 interview with The Guardian: “I think of myself as a humanist because I think it’s less alienating to people who think of feminism as being a load of strident bitches, and because you want everyone to have equal pay, equal rights, education, and health care.” The “humanist” response is a popular one with celebrities and, IMHO, a bit of a cop-out because it doesn’t acknowledge the reality that we live in a world where women are the more disadvantaged sex. Even worse, it perpetuates the false notion that all feminists are militant, combat boot-wearing, bra-burning wenches who want to burn down the world and render men obsolete (though I’ll admit I’m down for the combat boots). Can we be angry sometimes? Sure. But some anger is more than warranted when we continue to live in a world where we’re paid 77% of what men make, account for only 25.4% of board members and 6.6% of CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, are at a greater risk of rape and domestic violence, and have little to no autonomy over our bodies. Instead of being afraid of appearing angry, perhaps we should ask ourselves why we’re so uncomfortable with women being angry in the first place.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker
Ironically, the star of Sex and the City, a show that’s supposed to be all about female empowerment, declined to take up the term despite clearly espousing feminist views in a 2016 interview with Marie Claire: “I am not a feminist. I don’t think I qualify. I believe in women and I believe in equality, but I think there is so much that needs to be done that I don’t even want to separate it anymore. I’m so tired of separation. I just want people to be treated equally.” The problem with SJP’s response is that she’s guilty of the very thing she doesn’t like about the movement. Women can’t begin to achieve the equality she desires if she and other non-feminist feminists refuse to engage and separate themselves from the cause. There’s power and unity in numbers.
5. Beyoncé
It may be hard to believe now, but there once was a time when the woman who closed out the 2014 VMAs by performing in front of a giant “FEMINIST” sign hesitated to accept the label. Just one year earlier in an interview with British Vogue, the one and only Bey said, “That word can be very extreme … But I guess I am a modern-day feminist. I do believe in equality. Why do you have to choose what type of woman you are? Why do you have to label yourself anything? … I do believe in equality and that we have a way to go and it’s something that’s pushed aside and something that we have been conditioned to accept… But I’m happily married. I love my husband.” The reference to her marriage and husband is strange as well as problematic, because it implies that a feminist can’t have a healthy and loving relationship with a man. Her aversion to labels sounds more like the Tuesday night musings of your run-of-the-mill f*ckboy rather than a compelling argument coming from one of the most powerful and innovative performers of our time. Without labels, we can’t identify ourselves and, in turn, effect meaningful change, something Beyoncé later realized and emphasized with her VMA performance.
It’s clear that when it comes to feminism, we can’t look to celebrities for guidance—not just because they often fundamentally misunderstand the term, but also because, like most things celebrity-related, it’s an exercise in distraction. Roxane Gay points out in a piece for The Guardian that, “We run into trouble, though, when we celebrate celebrity feminism while avoiding the actual work of feminism.” Identifying oneself as a feminist is a crucial first step, but it’s just the beginning of the conversation and work that needs to be done.
Images: Allie Smith / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
I’m sure we all have our fair share of awkward sex stories. Maybe it was when you lost your virginity and he poked around for 10 minutes trying to find the hole with no luck. Or maybe it was last week when your period came early all over his white sheets. I’m honestly cringing just thinking about it all of my embarrassing sex stories (and trust me, there are a lot). But once you get past the embarrassment of accidentally letting one rip while you’re doing it, it makes for a great story down the line. And what’s better than your own embarrassing sex stories? Embarrassing celebrity sex stories. Whether it makes them seem more human or makes me feel better about myself, awkward celeb sex stories are sooooo amazing. Hearing of the most awkward times our fav celebrities were having sex and it went from romantic to embarrassing v fast is extremely enjoyable. Here is a list of some of the best embarrassing celebrity sex stories, for your viewing pleasure.
Kris And Caitlyn Jenner
Back when Kris and Caitlyn were still married, they had a rather rambunctious sex life. I don’t think I need to remind you of when Kris accidentally slipped Rob a Viagra, or how they used to have a stripper pole in their bedroom. But one time, the couple was flying a commercial airline *gasp* (don’t worry, they were in first class). They decided to join the prestigious Mile High Club. How people actually do it, I don’t know. But they did their thing and “felt they got away with it.” Until the flight attendant got onto the speaker at the end of the flight to congratulate the Jenners on joining the club! They were given a bottle of champagne to celebrate! Honestly, that flight attendant should get a raise.
Khloé Kardashian
Honestly, this embarrassing celebrity sex stories list would not be complete without another Kardashian/Jenner family member. In 2016, Khloé wrote on her app and website about the time she had sex in a moving vehicle. She rated it a “two out of five” because it was v uncomfortable and “hurts her f*cking knees” since she is tall. She clarified that this all went down in the backseat, though, so neither she nor this mystery man were driving. So my only question is, who TF was driving?!
Paris Hilton
Hilton lost her virginity at 15 to Randy Spelling (Tori Spelling’s brother). And while most people’s first times are not their finest moments, this one takes the cake among these embarrassing celebrity sex stories. He said that after they snuck off to have sex, “I hear this knock knock knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma’s there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course.” First of all, what was in the suitcase? Why did Paris take it with her? And also, I wonder what he said to her grandma …
Nick Cannon And Mariah Carey
In an interview back in 2012, Cannon admitted that he and then-wife, Carey, would get down and dirty to her music. And when Carey isn’t there? He masturbated to her songs. Um, wow. That is a new level of narcissism. Their favorite song to have sex to was “Hero” and honestly, I’ll never be able to listen to that song in the same way again. It may not be embarrassing for them, but I definitely have some secondhand embarrassment hearing about this. It seems a little weird, but whatever gets you off, dude.
Cara Delevingne
Cara admits that she is a frequent member of the mile high club, but there is one story that stands out. She was once having sex on a plane in the chair (yes, not the bathroom) and some guy kept watching them. I mean, wouldn’t you at least take a peek if people were getting it on in the row next to you?? Instead of stopping, as any logical person would, they asked the stewardess to ask the man to stop watching them so they could continue. Sure, that’s a normal reaction. She recalls the situation as “disgusting” and called him a “pervert” but like, do you blame him for staring?
Ariana Grande And Pete Davidson
Keep in mind that Davidson has a tendency to overshare. He told Howard Stern in 2018 that he always thanks Ariana for having sex with him and always apologized afterward. If that isn’t awkward enough, he told Stern that he has a trick to help him last longer in bed. He said that he thinks of his father, who was a firefighter who died in 9/11, “being burned alive.” I’m not a guy and don’t experience boners. But that seems like an automatic boner-killer, rather than just a technique to help you last longer. I’m truly uncomfortable. Then again, Pete is known for openly talking about his dad’s death and joking about it, so it is very possible he’s not being serious. At least, I hope he’s not.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)
If you know anything about us here at Betches, it’s that there’s nothing in this world we love more than watching the social experiment that is Bella Thorne’s Instagram presence. And there has been a lot to keep up with over the past year. First, we learned that Bella is not just the musical genius behind the instant classic “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne,” but also a budding business mogul, when she dropped her new makeup and lingerie lines, Thorn by Bella and Filthy Fangs, respectively. Then she educated the masses on wtf a throuple is by announcing that in addition to dating the human equivalent of a dirty sock, Mod Sun, she was also dating Tana Mongeau, a girl who is most famous for propositioning Miley Cyrus via a cry for help Twitter. Well, in addition to singer, songwriter, actress, throuple advocate, and business mogul, don’t forget that Bella Thorne is a best-selling author!
That’s right, the girl who brought us the lyrics “been inside the club since I was hella short (hella short)” and “pussy scuba diving, need a surfboard” is getting paid actual money to write a full-blown book. Bella Thorne’s book is called The Life of a Wannabe Mogul: Mental Disarray. Just writing the words “Bella Thorne” and “published author” in the same sentence is giving me stress eczema, but it’s not even her first book! Back in 2014-2016, Bella actually published a YA trilogy, which I just ordered on Amazon. That said, this new book is a whole different thing, and I’m sure you have a lot of questions about it, like “why” and “how” and “what did I do to deserve this.” Well lucky for you betches, I did a very minimal internet search some digging and can now answer all of your burning questions. So here’s everything we know about Bella Thorne’s new book thus far:
Apparently It’s Already A Bestseller
Last week, Bella started promoting her book on Instagram via a series of posts in which I literally thought she was promoting scribbles on the back of random receipts. Apparently I was mistaken and that’s just her book’s aesthetic. My apologies! When I found out she was actually promoting her book, I was alarmed for a number of reasons. For one, in the caption she claims the book is a “#1 bestseller overnight” despite that fact that the book hasn’t even been released yet. As a person who used to work at one of the largest book publishing houses in the world, I can definitively say oh, sweetie no this is not how bestsellers work. In order for a book to be a bestseller it has to first be released and then sell over 9,000 copies in its first week. Since the book doesn’t even hit shelves until July 9th, I can only assume that by “#1 bestseller” she’s referring to the book having good pre-orders, which, while good, is not at all the same thing.
The Preorder Will Include Photos
Speaking of the preorders, if you order Bella Thorne’s book in advance, she will send you personal polaroids of her from her everyday life. Considering that her Instagram feed reads like soft-core porn, I can only imagine the “behind the scenes” images from her life she’s going to give to her most loyal fans. I would put money on it that they involve some drug paraphernalia and cleavage. I mean, look at the above video and then tell me I’m wrong.
Bella Thorne’s Book Is A Collection Of Memoir Poetry
According to Amazon, The Life of a Wannabe Mogul: Mental Disarray is a “collection of illuminating and inspiring poems that chronicles her personal struggles, relationships, and wild-child lifestyle, all with her trademark wit and wisdom.” Lol. First of all, Bella Thorne is known for many things, and I’ll even give her wit, but wisdom?? Are we sure? Secondly, did she intend for the title of this book to be a random string of words that actually makes zero sense? It’s like she Googled “impressive words” and used the first five that applied to create a sentence.
In addition to Bella’s poetry, the book will also feature crude drawings innovative art throughout. Bella’s teased a few of these already on Instagram, including a picture of poorly drawn dice, a clock, and black scribbles. You’ll notice Bella’s drawings are also featured on the cover of the book, which resembles the background image I chose for my MySpace page after my mother refused to drive me to Barnes & Noble so I could get the latest book in the Princess Diaries series. And also the lyric video for “Look What You Made Me Do.”
So there you have it, that’s everything we know about Bella Thorne’s book. All jokes aside, Bella has been very open about her struggles with mental health and the media, which is what we need from celebrities right now. It looks like this book is going to get personal about that journey. which I imagine will be helpful to people who share or identify with those struggles. Maybe this is where that trademark wisdom will come in? Not going to lie, I might pre-order it, or at least convince a friend to let me borrow it.
The Life of a Wannabe Mogul releases on July 9th, so go ahead and mark your calendars, Betches.
Images: @bellathorne /Instagram (3)
While being a mega-rich celebrity obviously has numerous perks, perhaps the best perk of all is having a team of people at your disposal to look fabulous from head to toe. A personal trainer, a chef, a nutritionist—all of these things make it pretty darn easy to look really hot at all times.
As a Pilates Instructor in NYC, a lot of my clients come to me with requests for a Beyoncé butt or Carrie Underwood’s arms. And that’s great—there will always be workouts to pump up your peach and tone your triceps. But it’s also not so great when you start to compare yourself to celebrities who have pretty much unlimited resources at their beck and call to get super fit. Not to mention, celebrities also have a lifestyle where they can schedule in insane two hour workouts and log 11 hours of sleep. Us? With our 9-5 jobs? And you know, responsibilities to attend to? Not so much.
If you’ve ever been frustrated while scrolling through Instagram wondering why, despite your best efforts, you don’t have the body of your favorite girl crush, let me break down all the crazy things that give celebs the upper hand.
Sleep—Lots Of It
If you’re trying to lose weight or improve your physical fitness, you should be logging at least eight hours of sleep, ideally even more if you’re trying to build muscle mass. Your body needs sleep to rejuvenate and rebuild the muscles you break down when you strength train. Not to mention, if you’re not getting quality sleep, you’re going to be too tired to even get through your workouts.
Now, we all know saying you’re going to bed at 10pm versus accidentally eating shredded cheese standing in front of your refrigerator at 11pm is a very different thing.
My doctor: When is the last time you had a good night’s sleep?
Me: https://t.co/a5jCGhJYyP— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 10, 2019
If you’re the typical young professional, getting eight hours of sleep on top of work, personal responsibilities, relationships, and getting in a workout Monday through Friday is already a daunting task. Plus, we all deserve time to unwind and veg out watching trashy reality TV (or whatever your more sophisticated hobby is). Most of us probably fall into the category of getting closer to six to seven hours of sleep a night.
Celebrities? Not so much. Mariah Carey once reported that she likes to sleep 15 hours before performing to give her body rest (do you think I can tell my boss the same thing?) and Jennifer Lopez has also claimed she needs a solid eight hours to get her beauty rest.
Super Intense, Long-Ass Workouts
Maybe if you’re a low-key fitness class groupie (hi, yes, occasionally I am this person) you’ve taken two back-to-back group fitness classes or mustered up the energy to go for a two hour long run. But on an average day, sometimes it’s challenging to fit just 45 minutes of exercise.
Celebs like Bella Hadid have been known to hit the gym for two plus hours. Two. plus. Hours. I’m exhausted just writing that.
And let’s not forget about Mark Wahlberg, who has bragged on his Insta story about waking up at 2:30am to squeeze in two workouts per day and have plenty of family time. OK. same.
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Taking it to another level!! ???? @performinspired #lookalive @champagnepapi
When looking good is your full-time job, I guess scheduling more than an hour of sweat time is just another meeting in your Google Calendar?
Personal Trainers
Sometimes the hardest part about working out is just figuring out WHAT to work out. I’m guilty of getting to the gym, looking timidly at the free weights, and deciding that maybe today should just be a cardio day. But that’s where a personal trainer can come in handy. Not only does sweating under the watchful eye of a trainer make you more likely to push through some difficult spots (aka your entire workout), they’re also there to guide you and make sure you’re working out effectively.
Unfortunately, most personal training comes at a hefty cost. If you live in a major city, you can expect to pay at least $100 for an hour long training session. And the more experience your trainer has, the more likely those prices shoot way up.
When you’re a celeb making seven figures, you probably won’t think twice about shelling out over $1,000/month for lots of one-on-one time with a personal trainer. But when you’re just an aspiring Carrie Bradshaw trying to not blow your rent money on new shoes, you probably aren’t going to want to drop a ton of cash getting one on one attention on top of an already pricy gym membership.
Weird AF Diet Habits
In case you don’t have an Instagram (are you OK?) or maybe don’t follow a slew of influencers and celebs, you should know that the eating habits of celebrities is fascinating. When they’re not hawking “fitness tea” and appetite suppressant lollipops, a good majority of them still have pretty damn weird diets.
In a food diary for E! News, Kourtney Kardashian admitted she starts her day out with collagen supplements on an empty stomach, followed by shots of apple cider vinegar. Gross. For one, collagen is kinda, sorta a major scam and two, most of the collagen you’re buying is likely made from fish scales, animal hides, or bones. I really just threw up. (Full disclaimer: I am ~vegan~ but like, I can’t imagine that this is appealing to anyone…?) Kourt also seems to follow a dairy-free diet with lots of greens, which seems health and normal, but then you have recipes on her new site Poosh for Kris’ “famous” brownies. There is a note Kourt adapts it for dairy free ingredients, but kinda seems a little, maybe, uh, contradictory?
Crash diets are also not unheard of in Hollywood. Beyonce made waves when she was filming “Dream Girls” for losing 20 pounds following the infamous “master cleanse.” The master cleanse consists of only drinking a “lemonade” made with lemons (duh), cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Wow. Seems appetizing.
Just kidding, I would rather eat solid food and feel happy than ever stick to a liquid diet. And I’m pretty confident that any normal human who attempts any sort of juice cleanse would be hangry in about two hours. You need legitimate fuel to just exist on your couch and watch Netflix—and even more if you’re active.
But at least there are celebs in the world like Chrissy Teigen who blatantly talks about her love for garlic and literally let her husband eat fried chicken off of her bum. I love a good hero.
I’d say 90% of my recipes have 8/10 cloves or more. Makes for a pungent blueberry pancake but i refuse to do any less. https://t.co/nuAQre1inh
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 5, 2019
The bottom line is, we can’t measure ourselves up against celebrities. The whole reason celebrities look better than us normal people is precisely because celebrities are not normal people. They have so much more money and time to dedicate strictly to their appearance. And that’s not even touching the plastic surgery. So be nice to yourself, k?
Images: markwahlberg, krisjenner / Instagram; betchesluvthis, chrissyteigen / Twitter
I don’t know about you, but approximately every single one of my friends is pregnant right now. In fact, I just attended a baby shower over the weekend where, mercifully, the mother-to-be did not make us eat melted candy bars out of a diaper. I have not always been so lucky. I’m very happy for all of my friends who are having babies, but at the same time I am horrified about what their bodies are doing, where their organs are shifting, and having graphic nightmares about the birthing process. Anxiety is so fun! After my friends have their children, I come to the baby meeting armed with a list of questions that they almost always refuse to answer in extensive detail. And that’s why I’m thankful for Jessica Simpson.
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her third child, a baby girl named Birdie, on March 19th. Congratulations, Johnson family! And, in the 346 months that Jessica was pregnant, she blessed us with all sorts of information about her pregnancy journey. Some might call it an overshare, but I most definitely am interested in hearing about the flatulence that comes with having a human in your uterus. I need this kind of truth in my life! Otherwise I’d just keep on believing the stork dropped these kids off. So, in honor of Jess’s new baby and her commitment to brutal honesty, I’m going to list for you a few times when she blessed us with maybe too much information about her pregnancy.
When She Shared Pictures Of Her Bump
Most pregnant ladies cover up their bump in public. They use big caftans, large sweaters, resting bitch face, a forcefield, etc. to keep people from touching their stomach. It leaves me wondering, what is under there? It could be a pillow for all I know, right Beyoncé? Thankfully, Jessica has swooped in to answer all my questions, and allowed me to feast my eyes on what is indeed, a large bump.
Great pun, Jess.
Sure, now I never want to stretch my body to what seems like one million miles past its limits in order to bring a child into this world, but I appreciate the information. And I applaud her for getting out of bed and into a bikini. I think at that point I’d just be using the bump as a tray table to hold my pizza, and the bikini as a slingshot to fling at my husband.
When She Told Us About Her Toilet Issues
Apparently there are things that happen during pregnancy that we non-pregnant ladies never even think about. Sure, I knew you were eating for two (jealous) and puking a lot, but I didn’t think everyday household items would be in peril. I was wrong. Towards the end of her pregnancy with Birdie, Jessica gave us the warning we never knew we needed.
She leaned back on the toilet and broke it! I didn’t know that could happen, can she sue the company for dying of embarrassment? I guess it kind of makes sense though, you’re dealing with a lot of weight you’re not used to, like a brand-new superhero that does not know their own strength. I’m sure Spider-Man broke a few toilets himself after he was first bitten (Marvel, plz confirm). Whatever, it’s fine. I think we can all agree that the toilet lid is superfluous anyways.
When She Said A Wiener Made Her Nauseous
Jessica Simpson didn’t just learn the art of the overshare with this third pregnancy. Oh no, she’s been doing it for years. Back when she was pregnant with future heartthrob Ace, she planned on keeping the gender a secret. But she accidentally revealed it on Jimmy Kimmel in the most Jessica way, by saying, “The crazy thing is, I didn’t know a wiener could make me nauseous!”
If we’re getting technical, isn’t it a wiener that made her nauseous all three times? That’s where the sperm comes from, Jessica! I’m not sure I needed to know this much about her pregnancy, but at least Ace will be able to pinpoint the moment where his problems began when his therapist asks.
When She Basically Told Us How She Got Pregnant With Ace So Quickly
And to end this article, I thought we’d start at the beginning, learning how babies are made. In an interview after Jessica gave birth to Maxwell, her first child, she said that she’s been following all the rules, except one. Her doctor advised her to abstain from sex, but Jessica famously did not, justifying her decision as follows: “I think I have the sexiest man in the world. So that’s the rule I break.” Some rules are made for breaking. I eat ice cream for dinner sometimes, no one in my office ever shows up at 9am, and I truly appreciate when the pitcher intentionally nails the batter with a fastball. But, maybe you should listen to your doctor when they tell you not to do stuff? Not judging! Just suggesting!
Not surprisingly, shortly after this interview, and when Maxwell was seven months old, Jessica became pregnant with her second child. And I guess we know it’s because she couldn’t keep her hands off that man candy in her house. She must not have listened to the part about protection, either. You crazy kids!
And those are just a few of the glimpses into pregnancy that Jessica Simpson has given us over the years! I truly hope she goes for number four, but if she doesn’t, please rest assured I’ll be happy to provide TMI if I ever get pregnant.
Images: jessicasimpson/Instagram (2); Giphy (2)
2018 is coming to a close, and is it just me, or did this year feel like forever? Songs like “God’s Plan” and “Better Now” came out this year. THIS YEAR. I could’ve sworn they came out in like…2017. But regardless, this year was filled with killer songs. Here is a list of the top 10 best songs of 2018. Obvs, we all have our own taste in music, so like, don’t @ me. But also, if you disagree, you’re wrong and I hate you.
10. Drake: “In My Feelings“
I hold a special place in my heart for Drake. Probs because we went to the same high school (many years apart, but whatevs), so he’s my motivation to believe that I can make something of myself… even if I have yet to make something of myself. But nonetheless. Anytime an online trend starts because of a song, you know it’s going to be a hit. Dancing while the car is moving beside you and your friend is filming (while driving???) is not the safest but it’s for Drake, and we love Drake.
9. Calvin Harris & Dua Lipa: “One Kiss“
The song of summer ’18. This song, with it’s ’90s music video vibes, is fun and energetic. If you need a pick-me-up, throw this one on. One kiss listen is all it takes, to fall in love with me this song (one of the catchiest and best songs of 2018). Dua Lipa is going to be huge for years to come, I’m calling it now.
8. Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper: “Shallow“
Wait never mind. Any song from A Star is Born. These songs give me the chills. If you haven’t seen the movie, at least listen to the music, because it will change you. “Shallow” is constantly stuck in my head, and I sing it as if I have a voice like Lady Gaga’s (which is sooooo far from the truth). Like the entire movie, this song has an incredible message that is applicable to so many people.
7. Maroon 5 & Cardi B: “Girls Like You“
Adam Levine has the body voice of an angel, and I love a good song that appreciates a woman #feminism. This is my go-to song when I’m jamming in the car alone, stuck in traffic. Plus, the music video is equally as amazing. It features so many strong females including comedians, athletes, actors, and models. Ellen DeGeneres, Gal Gadot, JLO, and obvs, Behati Prinsloo and their daughter Dusty are among those included in the video. That’s just precious.
6. Kendrick Lamar & SZA: “All The Stars”
Part of the Black Panther soundtrack, this song is amazing. SZA’s incredible vocals contrast perfectly with Kendrick Lamar’s verses. It was released in January, just a month before the release of the movie, but it is still frequently played on the radio or my Spotify playlist, making it one of the best songs of 2018. It also scored some major nominations at the Grammys this year, because of course.
5. Bruno Mars & Cardi B: “Finesse“
The year of Cardi, I swear. At this rate, I’m not sure what she can do in 2019 to top this year. This one came out in early January and I’m not sick of it yet. In classic Bruno fashion, it’s an incredible song, with great lyrics, that sticks in everyone’s heads. Not to mention that this video is an In Living Color tribute that got the “stamp of approval” by the Wayans family.
4. Cardi B, Bad Bunny & J Balvin: “I Like It”
Cardi had a pretty great year in terms of her career and giving birth to her daughter, Kulture, in July. But as of recently, her personal life may not be going as great. No matter what, this unapologetic song lists all the things Cardi likes and TBH what I do too. We both have expensive taste, just on different budgets. It’s catchy and upbeat. What’s not to like about it?
3. Zedd, Maren Morris & Grey: “The Middle”
When this song comes on in the bar (the few times I actually go out), I get so excited, definitely earning it a spot as one of the best songs of 2018. It is such an upbeat song and I shamelessly know every word to it. Sure, it’s not the most artistic song ever, but there’s a reason it was so popular. Also, the music video is set in a Target commercial. Lol, my happy place.
2. Beyoncé & JAY-Z: “APESHIT”
This entire album is f*cking incredible and I’m not just saying that because I am a die-hard Beyoncé fan. Their music video was filmed in the Louvre. That alone makes it amazing. But this song is more than just a catchy banger, because it speaks to some important societal issues that need more attention. Beyoncé opens by pushing for wage equality, while Jay-Z calls out the NFL and the Grammys. Ugh, mom and dad, you’re incredible.
1. Ariana Grande: “thank u, next“
2018 was the year of Ariana, or at least for her career. She said, during her acceptance speech for a Billboard Woman of the Year award, “I find it interesting that this has been one of the best years in my career and one of like the worst years in my life.” I already loved her album sweetener, and then it just got better. Not only did she grace us with this killer self-love anthem, but she also made one of the most incredible music videos ever. My favorite thing to ask people I meet now is “what four movies would you choose to recreate the ‘thank u, next’ video about your life?”
Even though 2018 was a pretty terrible year in every other way, at least we got some good bops out of it. 2019, the bar is so low for you. Please do better.
Images: Giphy (6)
