I really never anticipated that I would be thinking about the Jonas Brothers this much in 2019, but life is crazy sometimes. Obviously, everyone was losing their minds when they released their comeback single “Sucker,” but things aren’t slowing down. Just in the past 24 hours, they announced their first tour in nearly a decade, performed at the Billboard Music Awards, and had a wedding. That’s right, Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner tied the knot last night in Las Vegas, after attending the BBMAs together. We’ve got the Game of Thrones predictions on lock this season, but this was one plot twist we definitely didn’t see coming.
Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner have been together since late 2016, and they first announced their engagement in October of 2017. That’s a pretty long engagement, but we had no idea when the wedding was coming. This honestly makes sense, because Sophie Turner seems like one of the chillest people in Hollywood. She’s quickly become one of my favorite people, thanks to her DGAF attitude on social media, and this legendary chug seen around the world:
Sansa can hang. The details of Sophie and Joe’s low-key Vegas wedding are pretty amazing, especially considering this is less than six months after Joe’s brother Nick Jonas married Priyanka Chopra in one of the most extra weddings the world has ever seen. But to each their own, and Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner just wanted a Vegas wedding officiated by an Elvis impersonator. Works for me. There definitely wasn’t a People exclusive for this wedding, but luckily Instagram still gave us a closer look at this sacred occasion. Specifically, Diplo documented much of the evening on his IG Story, before he left for his DJ set at a club. Diplo, an ultimate icon.
Looks like Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas are getting married!! pic.twitter.com/zSW17g5cHC
— Myeisha Essex (@MyeishaEssex) May 2, 2019
At the ceremony, country duo Dan + Shay performed an acoustic version of their song “Speechless,” because casual. I would’ve preferred an acoustic rendition of “Tequila,” but for some reason no one consulted me on the music choice. Rude. In the video, you can see Sophie and Joe exchange Ring Pops, and honestly this is the kind of beautiful wedding tradition I’m here for. Who needs diamonds when you can have delicious candy?
It’s unclear if Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner will have any kind of a bigger wedding celebration, but this intimate, random ceremony feels pretty appropriate for such a fun couple. At the very least, I hope they have time for a kickass honeymoon before Joe gets busy with tour rehearsals. Wherever they go, I just hope that Sophie doesn’t forget to post hilarious Instagram stories while they’re there. Her stories are basically the only thing getting me through at this point, so I need this. Sansa Stark might not be one of the G0T characters with big d*ck energy, but Sophie definitely does.
Sadly, this means that all three of the Jonas Brothers are officially off the market, closing an important (imaginary) chapter of my life that started when I was in middle school. Kevin, Joe, Nick, I’ll always love you guys. Well, Kevin not so much, but it felt rude to leave him out. Now, if you want to bag a Jonas brother, your only hope is 18-year-old Frankie, also known as the Bonus Jonas. Ew. Congrats to Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, I feel like a proud parent.
Images: @betches, @sophiet / Instagram; @MyeishaEssex / Twitter
I don’t know about you, but I love trashy weddings. They make me feel so much better about being single. I get to sit on the sidelines, laughing at how f*cked those marriages are from the get-go. Is that “healthy” and “emotionally intelligent”’of me? No, but you’re not my shrink and she and I have a whole boatload of other issues of mine to tackle before we address why I shame people for their doomed relationships. Anyway, here are some of the trashiest celebrity weddings of all time. And fun fact: more than half of these weddings also have leaked sex tapes. Not really material to the article, I just thought it was an interesting correlation.
1. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Britney famously got married in Las Vegas to some high school friend of hers, and she somehow managed to get trashier than that at her next wedding. How, you wonder? She married Kevin Federline. Between the pregnant baby mama he had on the side when he first met Brit and the way-too-hasty of a courtship, this couple was fated to have a trashy wedding. The bride and groom parties each had their own Juicy Couture sweatsuits custom made for them. Sure, they were as cool at the time as those one piece bachelorette party swimsuits from Private Party are now, but trust us, it gets worse.
Britney’s bridal squad’s suits were baby pink and encrusted with diamonds, while she donned an all-white tube top tracksuit that looked as low-rent as her wedding dress. Kevin and his party wore Juicy Couture sweatsuits as well, but they had “PIMP” embroidered on the back. Except for Kevin’s dad—he had “PIMP DADDY” on his. Oh, and the worst part? This was a surprise wedding. Britney and Kevin invited heir guests under the guise that they were attending an engagement party and the invitees were probably like, “oh, we’ll go because we know they’ll never make it to the altar.” But it turns out they were actually AT the wedding itself, so they were probably so caught off guard no one could scream “I object!”
Maybe I’m being overdramatic (okay, I’m always being overdramatic), but Britney’s first wedding at Las Vegas’ Little White Chapel is looking like some Nicholas Sparks-level sh*t compared to this shindig.
2. Scheana Marie and Mike Shay
How can we forget when Scheana wanted to put the “ass” in class and insisted on having a wedding dress that she could twerk in for her first dance with her husband? What an iconic cultural touchstone. Scheana is also the only girl I can think of to ever have a crop top wedding dress.
Aside from the crop top dress, Scheana’s wedding has something else in common with your trashy cousin’s wedding: someone got punched in the face. And of course, that douchebag was James Kennedy. James Kennedy getting punched in the face isn’t even the trashiest part. The trashiest part was Scheana adorning her apartment with giant blown-up photographs of her and Shay from the wedding. Pretty sure she still has the ones of just her hung up in her apartment.
3. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
Okay, rumors swirling that you got married for fame alone makes for a trashy wedding. But for the record, I strongly disagree with this allegation. If a guy who is 6’9” proposes to you, you 10000000% say yes. This hot mess of a marriage ended quicker than my almond milk expires. The only good thing about this wedding is that it put ten million dollars back into the economy. And people think Kim’s selfish?
4. Pamela Anderson’s Weddings
Fun fact: Pamela Anderson got married in a bikini. Twice. I can’t even get my picture taken in a bikini without doing a kegstand of FitTea and crying to detox myself of any water weight before I FaceTune the sh*t out of my stomach, so you go girl! Pamela first married Tommy Lee…96 hours after they met. Did we mention he met her when he was high on ecstasy? But who are we to judge? I’ll probably meet my future husband when I’m blacked out from vodka sodas. Anyway. Pam and Tommy got married in Cancun. That’s like, Cabo’s deadbeat cousin, so that in and of itself is a warning sign. That marriage *shockingly* ended after two children, a leaked sex tape, a prison sentence, and a shared diagnosis of Hepatitis.
So Pamela went on to marry Kid Rock. I know what you’re thinking: who would find Kid Rock attractive? Not even female Kid Rock megafans find Kid Rock sexually attractive, probably because the only men they find attractive are their first cousins. But I digress. Pam and Kid Rock got married on a yacht in Saint Tropez ,which is classy until you factor in that A) Pam was wearing a bikini, B) Kid Rock was wearing a white V-neck and a Detroit Tigers baseball hat, and C) Kid Rock’s website said they were “registered at Wal-Mart.” I honestly need to bleach my brain after reading this.
5. Emily Ratajkowski and Sebastian Bear-McClard
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Instagram famous Emily married trust fund dumpster baby Sebastian Bear McClean in what has to be the most underwhelming wedding of all time. Legit, if you scroll through these people’s respective Instagram’s, they both look aggressively bored. Emily wore a mustard suit from Zara to their nuptials, held at a New York courthouse after a quickie engagement. Like, if you have that in common with Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, your marriage is already doomed.
6. David and Victoria Beckham
You’ve seen her fashion sense. You’ve seen his bulge in underwear ads. So it hurts my cold, dead heart to say that these two had a trashy wedding. They wore coordinating outfits. Twice. First, Victoria wore a white Vera Wang gown, as per celebutante tradition, but then David was like “hey! I’ll wear an all-white tux and we’ll be twinsies!” (I paraphrase.) David, a word to the wise: when you marry a member of one of the most iconic girl pop groups of all time, try not to look like a Backstreet Boy reject.
It gets worse. During their send-off, they wore coordinating all-purple outfits. Just because you two probably share hair and makeup products, doesn’t mean you should share the same outfits. That Laura Ashley sh*t wasn’t cute when our moms forced us to do it for our Christmas card pics, so why would it work for your wedding?
Oh, and they cut their wedding cake with a sword. A SWORD. And this woman is supposed to be a tastemaker in the fashion world. Send help.
Images: Giphy (4); Instagram (emrata), (victoriabeckham)
In case you were ready for Arie Luyendyk Jr. and the advanced humanoid ABC hand-crafted in the Bachelor studio last season posing as his fiancée to finally fade into obscurity where they rightfully belong, think again! Because Arie and Lauren just announced their wedding date and location, officially bouncing back into the spotlight mere days before Becca’s season of The Bachelorette premieres. What fortuitous timing for them! Now, I’m not saying that Arie and Lauren were trying to steal Becca’s thunder by literally throwing their wedding in her face during a time that’s supposed to be all about HER and HER love story, but I’m also not not saying that Arie would miss an opportunity to fuck over his ex one last time. Ya know?
Sooo not only did he embarrass her on national TV and take that giant engagement ring back, but now he’s got rain on her parade less than one week before she DOES THE DAMN THING? And to those of you who are doubting if the timing of this announcement was, in fact, intentional, that’s like, so cute of you to think. Seriously, bless your heart. But you don’t think this announcement could have waited literally one more week? Like, if Arie and Lauren are soooo happy in their condo in Arizona, maybe they could have given Becca at least one week where the world isn’t talking about how happy her ex is. I mean, has the girl not suffered enough? Judging by that heinous lace blazer she wore in her latest promo, she’s been having a tough time of it. LET THE GIRL LIVE, ARIE!
One more time for the people in back: YOU’RE TRASH, ARIE!
People reports that the happy couple are planning to get married in Hawaii on January 12th of next year. And, like, why you gotta do this to Hawaii? First, they’ve got to deal with Kilauea erupting and swallowing up their homes, and then as if that wasn’t enough, the world’s worst Bachelor of all time is going to bring his cardboard cutout bride there to desecrate the beautiful state some more with their limited vocabulary and backstabbing ways?
Sidenote: People, you’re embarrassing yourself rn. WHERE is your journalistic integrity? First, you decide to reward Ashley I and her eyelash extensions by releasing
her 8th grade diary “The Story of Us” vlog where she humble brags about finally getting a boyfriend, and now this? What’s next? An in-depth look at the creative genius behind “Bitch, I’m Bella Thorne”?
Anyway, back to the wedding announcement that literally no one asked for. In an interview with The View, Arie said this about his upcoming nuptials:
“It’s in Maui — it’s at Haiku Mill which has this beautiful, old world feel with a lot of vines and greenery… It’s not your typical beach wedding. And it’s a private wedding, so not on TV — just a close group of friends. Probably 100 guests.”
Lol so it’s a private wedding and yet Arie announces on live fucking television the exact coordinates to the venue? I’m also assuming that the 100 or so “close group of friends” invited to the wedding include Arie and Lauren’s Instagram endorsement reps, beloved producers, a People magazine reporter, and most popular Bachelor cast mates. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Arie.
Also, I do not for one fucking second think this wedding will be anything but a typical beach wedding. For one, it’s in Hawaii, which as far as destination weddings go, is about as unique as Lauren’s vocabulary. Then there’s the fact that the couple getting married are Arie and Lauren, two people whose idea of a good time involves spending an evening watching their own Instagram stories and murmuring “love it” to each other from across the room. Yes, I’m sure I’ll be dazzled by the ceremony.
Well, fam, that’s all I have to report for now. We still have four whole days until Becca is set to have her moment in the sun, so I’m sure at least three more former Bachelor contestants will come forward to compete for her limelight. Fingers crossed Dean comes through to break my heart one more goddamn time!
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (2); bellathorne /Instagram (1)
Over the weekend, shady country hottie/ex-college football player Sam Hunt got married to his longtime girlfriend Hannah Lee Fowler, who you’ll probably recognize as the girl from literally all of his songs. According to Wikipedia they’ve been together on and off since 2008, so there’s got to be enough material there for at least three more albums. Sam is pretty hot, but honestly Hannah is pretty basic looking, and she dyes her hair way too dark for her complexion. Fix that, your husband is fucking famous honey. Her dress also had these weird shoulder straps that kind of look like toilet paper, so we’re not sure where the taste level was for this wedding.
hannah in her wedding dresscongrats to sam and hannah on getting married today❤️ #married #samhunt #samhuntmusic #samhuntnight #samhuntnation #samhuntobsessed #samhuntstyle #samhuntpics #Samhuntfam #samhuntfans #samhuntperfect #samhuntbae #samtastic #hannahleehunt #teamhannahleefowler #thesamfam #goals #teamsamhunt
They got married in the middle of nowhere some place in Georgia, which sounds…charming? The venue is called “In the Woods,” and it basically looks like a glorified cabin, which is totally where our dream wedding will be. There were about 150 guests, but apparently there weren’t any fun country music celebrities invited so on the whole we’re pretty disappointed. Like, you couldn’t even get Carrie Underwood to throw on a sparkly minidress and sing at the reception? Do better, Sam.
Hannah basically seems like a rando, so here’s what we know about her from his songs:
– She’s got a body like a back road (whatever that means)
– She has a lot of shoes but she’s basically always barefoot (ew)
– She can’t drive out to the place they used to get peaches out in Pelham (just get your peaches at Whole Foods jfc)
– She takes super long baths (groundbreaking)
– He calls her “Hannah Lee” because it’s the South
Most of that info is from his song “Drinkin’ Too Much,” which is a weird half-rap that’s totally about them breaking up, but it only came out a few months ago so we’re very confused. We’re not sure how people do things in Georgia, but hopefully he at least had to buy her something really nice to win her back.
Amanda Seyfried is a married woman now, and the rest of the Plastics definitely weren’t invited. In fact, no one was invited. Seyfried’s new husband Thomas Sadoski confirmed to James Corden (carpool Karaoke guy) on Thursday that the couple did, in fact, elope. Because when you’re as famous as Amanda Seyfried you don’t even need a wedding to make people pay attention to you for a year, because everyone already is.
“We just took off into the country with an officiant and just the two of us, and we did our thing,” Sadoski told Carpool Karaoke Guy. While “doing our thing” with an officiant sounds vaguely inappropriate, it really sounds like they decided not to do a wedding at all.
To be honest, its not surprising that Seyfried would do this. She’s always been pretty low-key (see: her sad excuse for an engagement ring), and having a giant wedding doesn’t seem like something she would be into. She’s also pregnant, and not that many women have a fantasy wedding scenario that involves a baby bump. Also, it’s probably hard for her to have a winter wedding. What if it rained? Her boobs would go crazy.
And if you’re wondering who tf
Karen’s Amanda’s new hubby is, he’s a mildly successful actor from those John Wick movies your boyfriend is obsessed with, and he’s nine years older than her. He’s decently cute but like, not a Hemsworth or anything.
All in all, the two seem like a pretty normal couple, aside from the fact that Amanda has been famous for like, her entire life. Like, did you know she modeled for Limited Too with Leighton Meester back in the 90s? You’re welcome.
They probably didn’t get many wedding gifts, considering no one was invited, but Amanda has four movies coming out this year so they should be able to afford a mixer and some wine glasses on their own. We wish the happy couple all the best, but it is kind of sad that the only chance we’ll have to see Amanda Seyfried in a wedding dress is to re-watch the last scene in Mama Mia. Or like, all of Mama Mia. Brb actually. Gonna go do that now.