Celebrities are like, so relatable, what with their vacations and skin care routines and day-to-day 9-5 jobs. They totally live in the real world, except when it comes to marriage. Honestly, can you think of any family or friends that have gotten hitched and within a month or less, have called it quits? How about three months? A year? Maybe you can think of like, a few, but hopefully it’s not everyone you know. Quickie marriages in Hollywood, however, are pretty standard, and they’re much more common than you’d think. For instance, who knew Eddie Murphy was on the list of shortest celebrity marriages? Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, of course, are included, but who could forget the 100 or so day marriage of American royalty Kid Rock and Pam Anderson? There are so many brief celebrity marriages we don’t know about, and so many hilarious reasons why these unions lasted about as long as my interest in a story that doesn’t involve me personally.
While this list isn’t all-inclusive of all the shortest celebrity marriages (that I am classifying as ones that ended after less than 130 days), it highlights some of our favorite idiots and their stupid decisions so that we can point, laugh, and judge.
Britney Spears and Jason Alexander: 55 hours
— HappilyEverBorrowed (@Happilyborrowed) March 27, 2014
Lest we forget, Britney had quite the fiasco in Vegas after marrying and, less than three days later, divorcing some dude with the same name as the guy who plays George on Seinfeld. It would have been SIGNIFICANTLY funnier if she had actually married that Jason Alexander, if you ask me.
Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor and Count Felipe de Alba, two old school Hollywood weirdos who were married for one full day, Britney hit us (one more time…sorry) with the shortest celebrity marriage of all time. Congrats, Brit. We knew you were good for something. Back in 2004, Britney and her childhood friend Jason were partying in Vegas when they decided marriage sounded like a GREAT idea (clearly Britney never watched Friends, or she would have known this was a terrible idea). But, after just 55 hours and a metric sh*tload of media coverage, the ceremony was promptly annulled, leaving Brit to marry one Kevin Federline, dancer extraordinaire and human sponge.
Nicolas Cage and Erika Koike: 4 days
— Nexter.org (@Nexter_org) April 6, 2019
Nicolas Cage gives me night terrors, and apparently leaves his divorce lawyers screaming and in rage blackouts, too. Just a few weeks ago, Cage got himself into the list of shortest celebrity marriages thanks to a four day fiasco with Erika Koike, a makeup artist he’d been dating since April 2018.
My favorite part of this whole thing isn’t the quickie wedding in Vegas on March 23 of this year, or the trip to get it annulled four days later. No, no—it’s that the couple were caught arguing on camera when they went to apply for their marriage license just one week before. According to People, “Cage is heard saying, ‘I’m not doing it’ to Koike as she responds, ‘I never asked you to.’ They received their marriage certificate the same day, court records show.” Nic also made the list back in 2002, when he divorced Lisa Marie Presley after just 107 days of marriage.
Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman: 9 days
1998 called and wants its odd celebrities back. For those of you born in the late ’90s and 2000s, Carmen Electra was our Kim Kardashian, and Dennis Rodman was our Post Malone, but for basketball. You may know him now from his very strange relationship with one Kim Jong Un, also known as that guy trying to blow up America with nukes from North Korea. Are we all following? Grool. Electra and Rodman ended up together in Vegas on November 14, 1998, and right around 7am, decided to say “I do.” Apparently, Rodman had enough time to sober up in the nine days that followed, claimed he was “heavily intoxicated” when he wed Electra, and filed for divorce. Awww, you guys, that’s so sad.
Cher and Gregg Allman: 9 Days
All right, so this is probably before most of our time, but Cher, Native American goddess and reigning queen of gay men everywhere, enjoyed a v quick wedding to none other than Allman Brothers front man, Gregg Allman. Cher had previously been married to Sonny Bono, with whom she’d had a pretty cute (see: very ’70s) television show. She’d also officially divorced him just three days before shacking up with Allman. That’s moving pretty fast, even in Hollywood.
The two got married in Vegas but, just nine days later, Cher realized that Allman had a pretty serious substance abuse problem (in Hollywood? GASP) and filed for divorce. The two ended up reconciling, re-marrying, then divorcing again, because everything has to come full circle, you guys.
Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds: 14 days
Shrek’s Donkey is just as much of a jackass IRL as he is in our favorite kids movies! Edmonds, who, according to Wikipedia, hasn’t made a film since 2011, wed Murphy in a private beach ceremony in 2004 in Bora Bora. Despite the magical island wedding theme, and what I assume were millions of dollars in champagne and flowers, the nuptials got off to a rocky start. According to a source for People magazine, Murphy started yelling at Edmonds in front of guests, making for a somewhat awkward sparkler exit and limo ride back to the hotel.
Apparently, because the wedding was in a foreign country, it wasn’t legally binding. The couple had planned to have a legal ceremony in the U.S. later, but seeing as things were already going south, they called it all off.
Ali Landry and Mario Lopez: 18 days
Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas: 39 days
Drew Barrymore, favorite muse of Broad City‘s Abbi, makes the list for her 1994 marriage to L.A. bartender Jeremy Thomas. If you’re doing the math in your head, then yes, I can confrm that Drew was 19 when she made that choice. Mild yikes. Apparently, it wasn’t a great choice, and she filed for divorce less than two months later. Drew also had a quickie marriage to none other than MTV ’90s darling, Tom Green, which lasted a grand total of 163 days—which is practically a lifetime, I imagine, with Tom f*cking Green.
Kim K and Kris Humphries: 72 days
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock: 122 days
What do you get when you combine a trailer trash boob job with a guy who screams BAWIDABA and campaigns for Trump? A white trash triathlon? NOPE! A wedding between our fav OG Baywatch cast member, Pam Anderson, and upsettingly long-haired manchild, Kid Rock. I like to imagine that this wedding hosted a lot of burlap, mason jars, Confederate flags, screaming eagle decor, and camo. God bless America. All kidding aside, though, these two got hitched on a yacht in 2006, which sounds classy, but, I assure you, it was not in this case—as evidenced by the tiny white bikini and sailor hat instead of traditional wedding garb.
So, why the split between these two? Apparently, there was a fight via phone call which involved Kid Rock (whose real name is Robert Ritchie) not coming to visit Anderson while she was shooting a movie in Vancouver. Why? Because he had floor seats at a Lakers game, obviously. She yelled at him, claimed she had a miscarriage, and hung up the phone. Welp, that escalated quickly. Kid Rock, being the eloquent gentleman he is, quickly flew to see his lady love, only to find her chugging champagne and dancing on tables. Things went downhill from there, and they split soon after, giving us one of the shortest celebrity marriages of all time—and also the trashiest.
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney: 128 Days
— Linda Childers (@lindarchilders) July 31, 2017
Am I the only one who didn’t realize this was ever, EVER a thing? Huh. The more you know. But I don’t feel too bad, because even Renee Zellweger forgot she was married to Kenny Chesney! Anyway, according to Insider, “On September 15 2005, Zellweger filed papers citing ‘fraud’ as their reason for separation.” Apparently, claiming fraud led to a lot of speculation about the country singer, mainly in the form of people thinking he was gay. He later went on to deny the rumors, which, to be honest, aren’t really anyone’s damn business. But it’s safe to say that these two have moved on for the better, even if we don’t know exactly what Zellweger was defrauded into…
So that’s the list of shortest celebrity marriages! Do you know anyone whose dumpster fire of a union can top these stories? Comment below!
Images: Getty Images (5); Shutterstock (2); lindarchilders, Nexter_org, Happilyborrowed / Twitter
In case you missed it, a Christmas miracle took place last weekend, and I’m not even talking about my mother uttering the words “you were right” in my presence. No, last weekend Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth GOT MARRIED in a private ceremony held in their Nashville home. That’s right, the woman who made twerking a national pastime and the second-hottest Hemsworth brother are married. Are you squealing yet? BECAUSE I AM SQUEALING. I don’t know about you, but I’d say this is definitive proof that
love is real you can get your ex back after miming a sex act during your VMAs performance and it’s a win for me, personally delusional girls all over the world.
Now, if you’ll recall, the couple met in 2009 on the set of The Last Song, way back when Miley had brown hair and was still legally allowed to associate with the Disney Channel. Ah, simpler times. They first got engaged in 2012, before calling it off a year later so Miley could
have her space to grow as a person go through that wild phase.
Sure, Jan. Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.
But they reconnected in 2015 and seemed to be really happy, despite the fact that it made her new music only subpar. (Sorry, but it’s true.) Personally, I’ve been rooting for these two for a long time. And I’m not just saying that because after a drinking a bottle of moscato I used to drunk dial my ex and belt “Wrecking Ball” into his voicemail box. No, I’m genuinely rooting for Miley and Liam as only a complete stranger with no personal or emotional ties to them can. And now they’re married!! So to celebrate the occasion, I thought it would be fun to revisit her exes in what I like to call “Thank U, Next: The Miley Cyrus Edition.” Let’s get started, shall we?
6. Justin Gaston
If you’re wondering who this person is, you’re not alone, because I had to Google him as well. According to his IMDB page his greatest claim to fame is playing Romeo in Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” music video. So basically he’s about as relevant as my Juicy tracksuit Plato’s Closet passed on last weekend. They dated for about nine months when Miley was 15, and broke up right before she went to film The Last Song. Some say they broke up because she rekindled her friendship with Nick Jonas, and I guess 20 year old Justin felt threatened by a 14-year-old boy with a straightening iron, but I think it’s because she realized he was going about as far as Nashville’s Broad Street. Last place for you, Justin.
5. Patrick Schwarzenegger
After Miley called off her engagement to Liam, she dated Patrick Schwarzenegger for about five months and, honestly, it’s a solid rebound. The boy is fiiiine in, like, a preppy, rich kid who will definitely keep your nudes for revenge porn kind of way. So snaps for you, Miley. They broke up after photos surfaced of Patrick hanging out with his ex, which feels very on brand for him personally. He gets fifth place because
he reminds me of my ex while he’s p attractive he’s also probably a piece of sh*t and I’m not tolerating a**holes for one more godd*mn minute in 2018.
4. Stella Maxwell
I have nothing to say about this relationship mostly because I don’t think there was a relationship. There were rumors that Miley and Stella Maxwell were dating in 2015 because they made out a few times in public but, like, what’s your point? If I had to formally acknowledge every person I make out with I would legit need witness protection. Nah, I’m not buying it. This was also the year that Miley and Liam reconnected, so let’s call this what it is: too many vodka crans. Next.
3. Dylan Sprouse
Lol. I know, right? According to Popsugar the two dated for “a day when they were 11 or 12” and a day is all it takes for me to be jealous of any b*tch lucky enough to date a Sprouse. For those of you who read my Riverdale recaps, you know The CW has been making me feel things about a Sprouse that is legit making me question my mental health. And even though Miley only dated the twin whose most successful business venture since The Suite Life has been opening a “meadery” in Williamsburg, I’m still ridiculously jealous.
2. Liam Hemsworth
Technically, Liam was her ex at some point so he makes the list. He’s not number one because although I root for him, there’s someone else who tops the list. SORRY NOT SORRY. Which brings us to my favorite Miley ex…
1. Nick Jonas
Nick f*cking Jonas. That’s right, people, I still stan this relationship and I will stan this relationship until either one of them releases a song that’s better than “Before The Storm.” I’m sorry but “Standing out in the rain /Need to know if it’s over /Flooded with all this pain /Knowing that I’ll never hold her /Like I did before the storm”?? F*cking iconic. I don’t care that Nick gave his purity ring to Priyanka Chopra or that Miley and Liam have been together for ten years, 14 year old me is still hoping Disney will pull
rank their contracts out and make them contractually obligated to write another teenage love ballad. PLEASE IT’S ALL I ASK FOR.
But, like, every happiness to you and Liam, Miley!
Images: Giphy (3); @mileymileys /Instagram (1)