Literally the only thing that’s been getting me up out of bed in the morning during these harrowing times is knowing that Gigi Hadid and Zayn’s baby is about to strut into the world having already won the genetic lottery. When TMZ first broke the news that Gigi was 20 weeks along back in April, it didn’t even take, like, three hours for her mom Yolanda Hadid to word-vomit the news against Gigi’s will.
For the record, I’m not discrediting Gigi’s ability to pull a Kylie Jenner on us and keep this baby a secret. For god’s sake, she literally fooled us all by walking the runways during Fashion Week while pregnant, which should be a clear-cut sign that she can pop this kid out any day without ever needing to tell a soul.
The Hadids’ inability to keep their cool, on the other hand, literally caused poor Gigi to have to confirm the news of her pregnancy to Jimmy Fallon of all people, and don’t even get me started on that. But since we’ve somehow blinked and crept right into September, aka Gigi’s due-month, the entire Hadid family has collectively lost their sh*t by writing poems, sobbing uncontrollably, and basically giving media outlets free press. And there’s one internet theory that could explain the family’s behavior: Gigi has already given birth, and they just can’t help themselves from going apesh*t. But does this theory hold any water (no pun intended)? We investigated so you can sit back and continue on your day with your Selling Sunset binge.
The Poem
Bless Mohamed Hadid and his zero regard for his very high-profile supermodel daughter’s privacy, because he wrote and posted a poem to Instagram that basically said, “Roses are red, violets are blue, your baby was born, so proud of you.”
Mohamed Hadid is so pure. Congrats to Gigi Hadid & Zayn Malik on the birth of their child Xx pic.twitter.com/bfi0oKkdq8
— Aleesha Khaliq (@a_leesha1) September 16, 2020
Ok, so it was a little more cryptic and a lot more thoughtful, but based on the fact that he’s already calling himself a grandpa and that he vowed to protect this child ‘til death do him part, something has clearly kicked Mo square in the feels, and that something could very well be an excruciating birth contraction.
Not to mention, he even captioned the photo, “In the name of God the merciful, I want to say l love you and I’m so proud of you @gigihadid.” Like… what else would he be referring to? Being proud of his daughter for getting knocked up by an ex-boy-bander? I think not.
Anyway, Mohamed has since deleted his poem on account of the internet literally shattering, and his Instagram being bombarded with One Direction stans asking if Gigi and Zayn had their baby. He even responded to a fan who straight-up asked for the no-B.S. truth about whether or not Gigi had given birth, saying, “no not yet.”
. Mohamed Hadid via IG
“Did Gigi give birth to her baby”
Mohamed: “ no not yet” pic.twitter.com/JwAUvF9saC
— ZTΔTUS (@ztatus) September 16, 2020
Yeah, sure Jan.
Bella’s Food Baby
K, first off, I have a bone to pick with this photo that Bella Hadid posted earlier this week. How do you look like THAT after ingesting an entire burger? Someone please humor me. Like, people actually have to pay work to get that belly (or lack thereof), but whatever, my raging jealousy is not why we’re here today.
What really made people believe that Gigi gave birth or had already gone into labor was the fact that this photo was taken back in June and was posted three months later… literally out of nowhere. Also, Bella wrote at the end of her caption, “I love you both so freaking much—can’t stop crying.” Bella was def motivated to post this by something, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t remorse from pretending to inhale that quarter-pounder.
Gigi’s Livestream
Ok, so I’m totally reaching here, but nobody voluntarily turns on a country music award show unless they’re bored out of their mind or in need of some white background noise. A fan noticed that Gigi joined the livestream for last night’s ACM Awards, so could it possible that Gigi finally had some down time after learning how to swaddle in Hospital Room A?
GIGI HADID JUST JOINED THE LIVE STREAM FOR THE ACM AWARDS OMGHAJDDJ SHES SO SUPPORTIVE I LOVE HER pic.twitter.com/WljDQf4CGa
— cody (@codyswiftgomez) September 17, 2020
It’s possible, but she probably just joined in to watch her BFF Taylor Swift perform, because if we’re being real here, that’s the only reason anyone would’ve watched.
Yolanda’s Mouth
Why is it that the Hadid parents that can’t seem to keep their mouths shut on behalf of their children? Not that I’m complaining, because shout-out to Yolanda Hadid, who just made my job that much easier, but literally a day after TMZ broke the news about the pregnancy, Yolanda let the cat out of the bag.
She appeared on a Dutch celebrity news show RTL Boulevard, and not only gushed about how excited she is to become an “Oma” but even gave away Gigi’s due date. She said, “Still shocked our little secret got leaked to the press. Of course we are so excited. I’m excited to become in Oma in September, especially after I lost my mom so recently.”
This interview also came at the end of April when it was reported that Gigi was already 20 weeks along, which would mean that if she got pregnant at the end of December, she’d be due in 9 months aka September. But whatever, none of this hard-hitting investigative journalism even matters as Yolanda clearly did the lord’s work.
Moral of the story? The Hadid family couldn’t keep a secret if their lives (and NDAs) depended on it. While we can’t say for sure whether or not Gigi has actually had her baby, it wouldn’t surprise us if she kept her birth super low-key. And can you blame us for being excited to behold the baby who will probably rule over us all one day?
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Images: Shutterstock.com; rtlboulevard, bellahadid, / Instagram; @codyswiftgomez, @a_leesha1, @ztatus / Twitter
Another day, another tidbit of possible news in the is-Khloé-Kardashian-pregnant-or-isn’t-she debacle of 2017. I tell ya, we’re living through history, folks. Literally yesterday I raised some (in my opinion) very valid questions surrounding Khloé’s pregnancy. Mainly, if she is pregnant, how is she so fucking skinny? Well, I am now pretty sure that Khloé Kardashian reads Betches, because her latest Instagram just might confirm the pregnancy reports. Khloé posted a picture where she is resting her hand on her stomach, or should I say, her baby bump? I’ll let you all look at the photo and then decide.
Since rumors of Khloé’s reported pregnancy broke, a lot has happened. Reports have surfaced that Tristan Thompson, the rumored baby daddy, is looking to buy a house in Los Angeles, where Khloé lives. He’s reportedly looking to spend a very modest $20 million, which should just barely accommodate himself, Khloé, and the new baby. But with still no word from the Kardashian camp, all we can continue to do is speculate, probably until next season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, when they will reveal what we’ve all unofficially known for months.
Anyway, you all take a look at this Instagram and let me know if it’s a sign or just a coincidence or just a giant troll.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to add this to my Kardashian Pregnancy Conspiracy Wall. Right now, it looks something like this:
I need a hobby.
On Friday afternoon, news of Kylie Jenner’s alleged pregnancy spread around the world faster than you can get herpes from sharing a lip kit. We weren’t, like, truly surprised by the news, but we’ll admit we were a little bit surprised. Kylie is a rich bitch who obviously has access to all the birth control she wants, so we weren’t expecting this so soon.
But is Kylie really pregnant? If you tuned into the Keeping Up 10th Anniversary Special on Sunday night, you’ll know that there was absolutely no mention of the pregnancy, but that’s not a shock. On the special, Kylie said she’s 19, which means it had to be filmed before her 20th birthday, which was August 10. So even if she is pregnant, she might not have said anything in front of a studio audience six or seven weeks ago. Yes, thank you, I’ve often been told I should be a professional detective.
When asked about it earlier this weekend, Kris Jenner gave a typically fake answer. When asked whether she knew the pregnancy news was going to come out, she said how Kylie hadn’t confirmed anything and that it’s “kind of wild that everyone is just assuming that that’s just happening.” Sooooo like wtf does that mean?
Kris also said “you never know what is going to break at any moment,” which sounds kind of ominous. Like, if Kylie is pregnant she’s still rich and can afford like 32 nannies to watch the baby at all times.
So, long story short, is Kylie pregnant? Our gut is telling us yes, but we still can’t be sure what’s inside Kylie’s gut. We’ll probably know for sure sooner rather than later, but until now we’ll just lose sleep go about our lives.
As we all know, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are broken up, as evidenced by Katy Perry’s new “I’m Going Through A Breakup” pixie cut. So which heartthrob nobody has cared about since 2005 will Katy Perry take off the market next? Should we pull Shane West out of retirement? Maybe give Ben Mckenzie a call? I know Josh Hartnett isn’t doing anything.
Nope, it looks like the most viable option for Katy Perry to continue to crush our high school selves’ heart is Ryan Phillippe who, like any man who has caught feelings for a woman, took to Twitter this week to declare that he and KP are not dating. Because there is no better way to let the world know that you’re not dating someone than to “jokingly” tweet about it, because the idea is soooo funny to you. Ryan Phillippe is basically every dude who has ever casually mentioned how “everyone” thinks that you’re dating just to see how you react, and then acts totally shocked if you show interest. Seriously, look at this shit:
I AM NOT DATING KATY PERRY. BARELY KNOW HER. PLEASE STOP FLYING HELICOPTERS OVER MY HOUSE. SHE IS NOT HERE.
thx
— Dr. Philz (@RyanPhillippe) April 10, 2017
Oh really, Ryan? Paparazzi are “flying helicopters” over your house looking for Katy Perry? How do you even know what the helicopters are looking for? Maybe they’re a search party trying to locate your career, which hasn’t been seen since the last time we had a republican president. Predictably, Twitter was not buying this fuckboy-esque behavior from Phillippe, and pointed out the obvious:
@RyanPhillippe THATS WHAT SOME1 WHO HAS KATY PERRY IN HIS BASEMENT WOULD SAY…..
— jonesy (@flyboy4014) April 10, 2017
Okay but here is where shit gets interesting because, as we know, Katy Perry is one of the most extra pop stars in existence and boasts a Taylor Swift level roster of A-list ex boyfriends (literally, considering they both dated John Mayer). KP, instead of doing what any self-respecting person would do and ignoring Phillippe’s obvious thirst trap, did what most post-breakup betches would do and decided to fuck wit it:
Can u let me out of this basement pls? https://t.co/I2WKOsIxak
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) April 10, 2017
So now here we have two very famous (or, used to be very famous) individuals who are on Twitter telling people that they’re not dating but are also simultaneously hardcore flirting for all of the world to see. Do these two think we’re fucking dumb? I haven’t put thousands of hours into stalking my ex’s mentions to not recognize when two people are flirting online. Please do not insult me this way. Of course, Phillippe, who hasn’t been relevant a day since he stopped being Reese Witherspoon’s husband, responded immediately:
@katyperry never
— Dr. Philz (@RyanPhillippe) April 11, 2017
And then, because Katy just couldn’t resist going back and responding to the original tweet…
Hi, nice to meet you, sorry bout that @RyanPhillippe carry on, lol.
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) April 10, 2017
There is a 90% chance that Phillippe slid directly into Katy Perry’s DMs after this tweet was sent, and the two of them are vigorously sexting at this exact moment. Seriously, you don’t joke about kidnapping a woman and keeping her in your basement unless you really like her. Beauty And The Beast taught us that. This Twitter convo has all the trademarks of a celeb romance in the making. Katy Perry is obviously trying to come off as a “cool girl” here, using a casual, lowercase “lol” to show that she is emotionally distant, though those of us who study in Textology know that the only way that she could show that she is more interested would be to say “k” and sign off for a while. Phillippe’s interest is a given because, literally what else is he doing right now? Serious question.
Now please excuse me while I find someone to bet on wedding dates online with me. I give it six months.
