I swear I don’t spend all of my time thinking about the Kardashians, but sometimes I just can’t help it. A few weeks ago, we were all surprised and delighted by the news that Ginger and Scary Spice hooked up once upon a time. In response to that news, I wrote an article about other random celebrity hookups you forgot about. I rediscovered some seriously wild vintage celebrity couples, and among them was Nick Cannon and Kim Kardashian. It still sounds fake when I say it, but it really happened. This got me thinking: what other random famous men have dated a Kardashian?
We all know the obvious ones, like Kanye, Tristan, Kris Humphries, etc., but Hollywood’s most famous family has lots of celebrity skeletons in their hookup closet. Even the younger Jenner sisters have some surprising flings that you’ve probably forgotten about by now. Here are some of the forgotten famous men that hooked up with a Kardashian—and I promise these are true, no matter how crazy it seems.
Let’s start with Kim Kardashian’s many exes. Gabriel Aubry is a Canadian model, but he’s better known as Halle Berry’s ex-husband. He and Kim dated for like, 10 seconds in 2010, right after he and Halle got divorced. Kim and Gabriel were spotted together at a Lakers game and were a hot tabloid topic for a few weeks, but then they went their separate ways. This was immediately before Kim started dating Kris Humphries, so maybe it wasn’t a great decision-making time for Kim.
It’s a tough call, but Nick Lachey is probably my favorite random Kim Kardashian ex. Kim and Nick dated for one week (lmao) in 2006, shortly after he and Jessica Simpson divorced. Wow, what a time to be alive. In 2013, he said that he thinks Kim used him to get famous. According to Nick, they went to see a movie together, and when they left, there were dozens of photographers outside the theater. If I had to guess, Kris Jenner 100% called TMZ to tip them off, but I’d also say that Kim didn’t need to use a guy from a washed-up boy band to get famous.
Okay, if you’re reading this article, I doubt you’ve forgotten about Kim’s iconic late-2000s relationship with NFL player Reggie Bush, but I’m mentioning it here for one reason: I’m immature, and I really wanted to say “Bush and the Tush” again. That was their celebrity couple nickname, btw. Ah, simpler times. Okay, now that I have that out of my system, let’s move on.
If Joe Francis’ name doesn’t ring a bell, you might just know him as the founder of Girls Gone Wild. The Kardashian family has a long history with Joe, and they’ve vacationed at his home in Mexico for nearly two decades. While Kim is one of Joe’s closest friends, Joe dated Kourtney Kardashian for a few months back in 2005, right before she got with Scott Disick. Interestingly enough, Kourtney and Scott actually met at a party hosted by Joe Francis, but everyone moved, and they’re all still friends.
Buckle up, because Khloé Kardashian has a lot of exes. Khloé dated NBA player Rashad McCants in 2009, and it went about as well as all her other relationships with NBA players. Seriously, maybe she needs to get a new type. You might recall that in an episode of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami, Khlo finds out that Rashad cheated on her. (Feel familiar?) Later, Rashad claimed the whole thing was made up for a TV storyline, but that sounds a lot like something he would say after being exposed as a cheater on national TV. He also blamed his disappointing on-court performance on his relationship with Khloé, so like, f*ck outta here. But also, wow, I am overcome with a crazy sense of déjà vu.
For a brief period in 2013, Khloé switched sports and began dating baseball player Matt Kemp. The relationship didn’t last very long, reportedly because Khloé was still dealing with her and Lamar Odom’s divorce. The most notable thing about Matt Kemp (idk anything about baseball) is that he also dated Rihanna for a while way back in 2009. I don’t know what this dude’s deal is, but he is very lucky.
Khloé dated rapper French Montana on and off in 2013 and 2014, and for a while, they seemed like they might be the real deal. Ultimately, Khloé decided she wasn’t ready for another serious relationship so soon after her divorce from Lamar, but I always liked these two together. Recently, French has denied rumors that he was still with his ex Trina when he started dating Khloé, which would really be ironic, considering the whole Jordyn/Tristan situation.
Khloé dated NBA player James Harden for most of 2015, but things fizzled out after a while. In a move that seems kind of rude and unnecessary, Harden told Sports Illustrated in 2017 that was the “worst year” of his life, because he didn’t like all the attention. Like, obviously the life of a Kardashian boyfriend isn’t for everyone, but he could just not say anything. Much like Rashad McCants, he claimed that his relationship with Khloé hurt his NBA career, and I’ve had enough of these whiney basketball men.
Of all the dudes on this list, self-proclaimed inventor of sex Trey Songz is the one that’s really messing with my brain. For whatever reason, Khloé and Trey’s 2016 hookup sounds like something out of a fever dream. They partied together in Las Vegas in 2016, but weren’t really seen together much after that. Notably, Trey Songz was also friends with Kendall and Kylie at one point, and they all partied together in 2014 with my least favorite person in the world, Chris Brown.
See those legs that Kendall is crouching between? Those belong to A$AP Rocky. Sources differ on whether Kendall Jenner was ever officially in a relationship with A$AP, but they were definitely hooking up, and were seen together over the course of nearly a year in 2016 and 2017. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but if I go to Paris with a boy, he better be my f*cking boyfriend. After things ended for good between the two, a source told US Weekly that they hadn’t been seeing each other much, because “their schedules are really hard.” Funny, that’s the same excuse I’m currently using for skipping the gym six days in a row.
Kendall has been linked to several basketball players over the years, but the first really notable one was Blake Griffin. They started seeing each other in the fall of 2017, and Kendall even spent her 22nd birthday with Blake. This was just a few months after Blake split up with the mother of his two children, Brynn Cameron, but he and Kendall reportedly got pretty serious. They ended things in early 2018, not long before Kendall was first seen hanging out with her current NBA boyfriend, Ben Simmons.
And that brings us to the youngest Kardashian-Jenner, Kylie. Everyone knows about her relationships with Tyga and Travis Scott, so I’m skipping those. But you might not remember that before she moved on to legit rappers, she dated childhood friend Jaden Smith. They were together way back in 2013, when they were both little teenyboppers, but there are rumors that Jaden was part of the reason for Kylie and Tyga’s breakup. I would love to know more about Kylie and Jaden’s dynamic, but I have a feeling Kylie won’t be going on Red Table Talks anytime soon.
Our final stop on the tour of forgotten Kardashian men is Australian pop star and off-brand Justin Bieber, Cody Simpson. Cody and Kylie dated waaaaay back in 2011, when Kylie was just 14 years old. Obviously it’s no big surprise that they didn’t end up together, but in 2014, Cody joked that the reason for their breakup was that he didn’t want to change his name to start with a ‘K.’ After he and Kylie split up, Cody went on to date Gigi Hadid for like, two years, and Jaden Smith even Instagrammed him hanging out with Kylie in 2015, so I think everything is okay.
Phew. That was a lot. To be honest, that’s probably only half of the men who have dated a Kardashian in the past couple of decades, but I decided not to clog this list with more basketball players you’ve never heard of. The Kardashian-Jenner sisters obviously have no problem locking down famous men, so maybe they should start a dating advice podcast or something? Or not, considering how messy some of their relationships have been. Who’s your favorite forgotten Kardashian ex? Lmk!
Images: Shutterstock (2); Giphy (2); @nicklachey, @realjoefrancis, @therealmattkemp, @kimkardashian, @jharden13, @kendalljenner, @blakegriffin23, @c.syresmith (2) / Instagram
We’ve known since the summer that JWoww is getting a divorce, but things just keep getting messier. In December, we learned that she got a restraining order against her husband, Roger Mathews. At the time, details were scarce about the reasons behind the split, but Roger has always claimed he’s a good husband and father. His main form of evidence is a sh*tload of Instagram videos that he’s made of his life, because we all know that everything on social media is true. But now we have a lot more information, because JWoww posted an open letter to Roger on Wednesday, and it’s explosive.
JWoww posted a snippet of the letter on her Instagram, but directed her followers to her website to read the full thing. That’s because the statement is 2,300 words long, and there is a lot happening. If 2,300 words doesn’t sound that long to you, just know that you’re approximately 150 words into this article, and your attention span is probably already running out. The statement is also in all caps, and the entire thing is center-aligned, so it looks like a block of text that would be on the inside of the Lincoln Memorial. If you’re having trouble visualizing, here’s a snippet.
THE ALTERED PERCEPTIONS YOU HAVE CREATED FOR YOURSELF ON SOCIAL MEDIA IS TRULY STAGGERING. YOUR POSTINGS ARE CONSUMED WITH INACCURACIES, FALSE STATEMENTS, SELF-SERVING COMMENTS, OUTRIGHT MISREPRESENTATIONS AND BLATANT LIES. WHAT IS YOUR ACTUAL TRUTH? WHAT IS YOUR REALITY?
So picture that, but for literally eight pages of text. In the letter, JWoww goes into excruciating detail about her husband’s allegedly abusive behavior, and how he has used social media to manipulate public perception of his relationship with her and their two kids. In one especially rough part, she alleges that he fed their son Greyson pizza, despite him being highly allergic to both gluten and dairy. She says, “When I asked you about the food situation, you chose to berate me instead of acknowledging that Greyson’s health is of paramount concern.” As much as I love pizza, that’s pretty f*cked up if it’s true. She also accuses Roger of not letting Greyson’s therapist into their house, so she stood on the front porch for 30 minutes in the freezing cold. Messed up.
In the letter, Jenni says that Roger has purposely contacted abusive exes from her past, all in an effort to make her feel unsafe. She also alleges he’s been physically abusive to her: “You have spit at me. You have pushed me. You have shoved me. You have aggressively thrown me to the ground. You have prevented me from closing doors to escape having you coming at me.” That all sounds horrible, and I can’t imagine what how it’s been for her living through it.
Near the end of the letter, Jenni takes the opportunity to help other people in abusive relationships, linking to a guide that her divorce lawyer has set up. Whether or not you agree with her decision to publicize her relationship like this, it’s important that she’s using her platform to help others in similar situations. She ends the letter with this sentiment that I think we could all use.
YOU ARE VALUABLE, YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE LOVED.
Leaving an abusive relationship is both difficult and dangerous, so I’m glad Jenni is getting out. Luckily, the ladies of Jersey Shore are always there for each other, and they offered their love and support in the comments section of her post:
Even though the Jersey Shore ladies have gotten into plenty of arguments on national television, they really do have amazing friendships with each other. It’s good to know that Jenni has these positive relationships in her life, because I’m sure she really needs them right now. With all of this going on, I hope JWoww and her kids are okay and that they can get past all of this.
If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, call the Loveisrespect hotline at 1-866-331-9474, text loveis to 22522, or visit loveisrespect.org.
Images: Shutterstock; @jwoww / Instagram (2)
It’s been a big year for Lindsay Lohan. She opened her beach clubs in Mykonos and Rhodes, and is supposed to be getting a new reality show sometime soon. I’m not sure whether I love her or hate her at this point, but I’m still fascinated no matter what. For the past few months, she’s basically just been hanging out in Mykonos, posing for pictures with famous people and randos that come to her club. Her mom came to visit, as did my favorite Trump child, Tiffany. But a few days ago, I saw a photo that really made me feel nostalgic. Lindsay was hanging out with Nico Tortorella, one of the names on Lindsay’s infamous “f*ck list.”
If you don’t know about the f*ck list, prepare to have your mind blown. Back in 2014, Lindsay was staying at the Beverly Hilton Hotel with her friends. For reasons unknown, Lindsay filled out a literal Scattergories playing cards with 36 names of people, all of whom it’s assumed she slept with at some point. There are a few names that have always remained blurred out in the photos, but there’s still a ton of material here. Let’s walk down memory list, and check in on some of the greatest hits of Lindsay Lohan’s f*ck list.
Nico Tortorella (who uses neutral pronouns) definitely isn’t the most famous person on the list, but they’re one of the most interesting. Also, they’re probably one of the few that she actually keeps in touch with. This is just a guess, but I’m pretty sure Zac Efron isn’t texting LiLo on the reg. Nico has been in lots of random TV shows and movies, but they’re best known for playing Josh on Younger. Nico is married to Bethany Meyers, and they’re both queer and hot and very into expressing themselves. Lindsay and Nico have been friends since at least 2011, and he even proposed to her as a joke one time. Glad they’re still friends—Lindsay needs some people in her life who aren’t Russian oligarchs.
I gotta say, Lindsay really got in early on this one. Way back in 2006, she and Jamie were rumored to have a fling, but it didn’t really lead anywhere. That was the same year that Jamie had his first movie role, and it was a full nine years before Fifty Shades of Grey came out. I’m pretty sure this means that Jamie Dornan owes his entire career to Lindsay Lohan? Maybe I just need to sleep with Lindsay too, and then my life will stop being a mess.
I must admit, I had truly forgotten about this one. It’s wild to think back to a time when Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake would have been at the same parties. It’s a little unclear exactly when and how this happened, but there is one plausible theory. In 2009, they were allegedly at the same club in New York, and then later Lindsay tweeted (then deleted) “where’s jb cheater?” Speculation is that “jb” could be Jessica Biel, and I’m just thoroughly confused. There’s a 99% chance JT has Lindsay’s number blocked.
Ashton Kutcher & Wilmer Valderrama
Hooking up with both of the hot guys from That ’70s Show is really a classic LiLo move. It’s a known fact that Lindsay dated Wilmer way back in 2004, when she was just 18 years old. Lindsay most likely got with Ashton in 2006, shortly before he started dating Demi Moore. That truly feels like a lifetime ago. Do we think Wilmer was mad at Ashton for sleeping with Lindsay? Bless this mess.
The only known connection between Lindsay and Orlando is that they were both robbed by the Bling Ring. Wow, I really miss 2000s Hollywood. They were both robbed in the summer of 2009, and Lindsay was the last victim before they were arrested. At the time, Orlando was living with Miranda Kerr, but maybe he and Lindsay bonded over their lost stuff? Idk, they also could’ve had sex at literally any other time within the last 15 years. Fun fact: Orlando is a Buddhist, so I feel like he might vibe well with Lindsay’s spiritual energy.
Riley S/Riley G
One of the most random, not famous inclusions on Lindsay’s list is also a personal favorite of mine. The evidence points to this being Riley Giles, a snowboarder who Lindsay met in 2007 in rehab. They apparently dated for a while, and then Riley did some tell-all interviews after they broke up. Cute, I’m sure she appreciated it. Riley said that Lindsay “quit coke and got hooked on sex with me,” and I just threw up in my mouth a little. He called her a “nymphomaniac,” and said they escaped rehab and went to a mountain cabin, where they went at it “like rabbits.” Okay, I hate Riley.
Stavros Niarchos III
Ah yes, Stavros. He’s the heir to a massive shipping fortune, and naturally that’s always made him desirable boyfriend material. In the mid-2000s, he was dating Paris Hilton, and Lindsay allegedly tried to move in on Paris’ territory. It was always rumored that this was the reason Lindsay and Paris stopped being friends, even though Lindsay claimed that’s false. More recently, Stavros has been seeing Dasha Zhukova, which makes a lot of sense. Dasha is a Russian businesswoman who was previously married to Roman Abramovich, a Russian oligarch who’s worth $11 billion. Dasha is clearly good at following the money, and I applaud her. She and Stavros both have private Instagrams with less than 1,000 followers, which is a total power move.
All The Rest
There are a lot more famous names on the f*ck list, so we could be here for days. Highlights include Zac Efron (Lindsay spelled both his first and last name wrong), Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine, Heath Ledger, James Franco, and Benicio del Toro. Someday, I really hope Lindsay writes a book in which she explains each and every one of these encounters, but that would probably result in approximately 10,000 lawsuits. I’m also very curious to know who’s been added to the list since 2014, because I bet there are some really interesting artistic choices. Thanks for all the great memories Lindsay, please never change.
Images: @trackers88 / Instagram; @nicotortorella / Instagram; Giphy (2)
Today is Sofia Richie’s birthday, which means now she only has one more year until she can legally drink. Yes, she’s literally just turning 20. How does real life feel like it’s going ridiculously fast, but Sofia is still basically a fetus? Seems unfair. But yeah, our favorite famous child-turned-Instagram model-turned-Kardashian satellite person is one year older, so let’s celebrate. How? By reminiscing on all the twists and turns in her relationship with Scott Disick, which still confuses me. Let’s dive in.
We first learned about Scott and Sofia hanging out last year at Cannes, where hot rich people go to hang out every May. This would seem like the perfect location for a first hookup, but things are pretty unclear. If you recall, this is also the exact time and place where Scott was spotted hanging out with Bella Thorne. This feels like approximately seven lifetimes ago. Whatever was going on between Scott and Sofia at this point, they were playing it cool. Sofia even said on Twitter that she and Scott were “just homies.”
We first really knew that Sofia Richie was dating Scott Disick last September, so it’s been almost a year. While they were in Miami together, they posted Instagram stories together, and they also posed with a cake that said “Congratulations Scott & Sophia” (yes, with her name spelled wrong). The cake was really a confusing factor in the narrative, because it’s still unclear what they were being congratulated for. At this point, we would definitely know if they were either pregnant or engaged, so it seems like…a random congratulations cake? Actually, you know what, when I finally get a boyfriend I will celebrate with approximately 10 congratulations cakes, so I get it.
At first, the main issue everyone had with Scott and Sofia dating was their age difference. Okay, that’s still the main issue people have with this relationship. Scott was 34 and Sofia was 19 when they got together, which means he could legally drive a car before she was even born. Sorry, not trying to sound judgmental, it’s just a fact. A lot of people (myself included), questioned how real their relationship was. At first, based mostly on social media, it definitely seemed like Sofia was a lot more into it than Scott. Note, the trip to Venice when they posted the exact same Instagram, except hers was a couple pic and his was solo. Classic Scott.
By the time spring rolled around, we hadn’t heard much more from Sofia and Scott. They were definitely still together, but it was tough to tell how serious things were. There were rumors about them moving in together, but there were rumors about Kendall Jenner moving in with Ben Simmons like a week after they started dating. Basically, no one knew wtf was going on with Sofia and Scott.
Then, in June, we were slammed with breakup rumors. The details around the reported breakup were actually pretty crazy. First, there were allegations that Scott was seen making out with a random woman at Kanye’s listening party in Wyoming. How did all of this happen less than three months ago? On top of that, people were saying that Lionel Richie had threatened to write Sofia out of his will if she didn’t dump Scott. This sounds like something straight out of a soap opera, which makes sense because it turned out not to be true.
Scott quickly killed the rumors by posting a TMZ screenshot on his Instagram story clarifying that Sofia is still his girlfriend. He also posted a picture of them together at Nobu, which is a sure sign that things are okay in the world of Scott Disick. So yeah, things seem to be good. Sofia hasn’t been on the new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians yet, but Scott still talks about her. In one awkward moment, Khloé asked Scott if he sees himself getting back with Kourtney, and he’s basically like “ummmm no and also I have a girlfriend? Khloé, you know this.” Gotta love Khloé trying to make drama.
So happy birthday to Sofia Richie! Enjoy your special day, and make sure Scott buys you something really nice. And just to be safe, don’t let him go to any more listening parties in Wyoming. You’ll thank me later.
Images: @sofiarichie / Instagram; @letthelordbewithyou / Instagram (2)
Besides all that stuff that’s happening with Russia or whatever, the most important story this summer has been the barrage of celebrity engagements. Pete and Ariana kicked things off, and most recently, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra hopped on the bandwagon. This, of course, leaves Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, who shocked us all when they recently rekindled their romance. Well, they apparently didn’t want a long engagement, because there are some major hints that they might have already gotten married in secret. Dun dun DUN. Let’s examine the evidence.
First of all, we have some jewelry to discuss. Specifically, Hailey’s recent choice of rings. After Justin proposed to Hailey, she was seen out and about wearing a big gorgeous engagement ring. The ring, which features an oval-shaped diamond and 18k yellow gold, probably costs more than my childhood home, but it’s whatever, I’m not jealous. As you can see in the photos below, Hailey was last seen wearing this ring on July 29th, with no other rings on that finger. That’s important, but I also need to know how she wears white pants that long without getting dirt and sh*t all over them. Celebrities, they’re just like us but cleaner?
Fast forward one day to July 30th. Time really flies when you’re
getting prematurely engaged having fun. If you look at the photos below, you’ll notice a few things. First of all, Hailey has clearly recently discovered hair gel. I mean, that hair is slick. She’s also wearing the same outfit that I would wear to a ’90s-themed music festival and nowhere else, but she’s just going to a deli in Brooklyn. Same girl, same. The windbreaker (dress?) is sadly not available for purchase online, but the airplane seatbelt can be yours for a small fee of $163. Sign me up!
Sorry, back to the jewelry. If you direct your attention to to Hailey’s ring finger once again, you’ll notice that the engagement ring is gone (I stole it), and has been replaced with two other rings. One is some kind of stackable gold ring, but the other looks, um, a heck of a lot like a wedding ring. Upon closer inspection, it’s a simple band that’s covered in diamonds, which reallllllly looks like a wedding ring. Hm.
So, if the jewelry is any indication, something happened between the 29th and the 30th that made Hailey want to switch up her ring finger situation. So what’s the other evidence that a wedding might have taken place? First of all, we have a telling Justin/paparazzi interaction from July 29th. When asked about new music, he responded that his number-one priority right now is getting married. Like, he said that there wouldn’t be any more new music until after he was married. When I read this, I was thinking the timeframe was probably in months, but maybe he was thinking hours?
That’s not the only thing that makes a secret wedding seem possible. Remember those first photos from July 29th, where Hailey is definitely wearing her ring? Well, she was with Justin that day, and one of the stops they made was at our favorite hangout spot, Hillsong Church. That’s right, they met with the pastor. When JB groupie/Pastor Carl Lentz is involved, you know something important is going down. I love making jokes about Justin and his love for church, but wow, we’ve gotten a lot of great photos of him and various girlfriends leaving church.
So now I’m just waiting for Justin to release a new song, so we know for sure that the wedding is done and dusted. Meanwhile, we’ll all be left to closely examine what combination of rings Hailey is wearing in her paparazzi photos. I would pretend that this sounds boring and stupid, but honestly I can’t get enough of all of these wild celebrity relationship stories. Summer ’18, keep ’em coming.
Images: @hlybaldwin / Instagram (2); Giphy
It’s now been over a month since Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande
met made the commitment to spend the rest of their lives together, and they somehow have not gotten any less extra. We’re still being treated to grainy Instagram photos and cryptic tweets about their relationship, and honestly, I’m still fascinated. So far, these two are the gift that keeps on giving, from copious amounts of questionable tattoos to epic social media clapbacks. No matter how ridiculous this relationship is, I’m IN.
That being said, it’s been a few weeks since I updated you on all the important happenings in Pete and Ariana’s relationship, and that’s really too long. Let’s get caught up, shall we?
1. The 9/11 Necklace
I’m kind of immune to the tattoos at this point, but Pete’s recent gift to Ariana is…serious. Pete’s dad, Scott, was a New York firefighter, and he tragically died on 9/11. For the past 17 years, Pete has worn his dad’s necklace with his badge number on it, and this week he gave it to Ariana. It’s intense, but sweet. What’s truly weird is that, in the past, Pete had several replicas of the necklace made, and gave one of them to Cazzie David! Yikes!!! It seems like a pretty big diss to Cazzie that they dated for like, two years and she only ever got a replica, while Ariana snagged the real thing after, like, seven minutes.
2. The Tattoos
Yeah, did I say I was over the tattoos? Guess I lied! This week, Ariana debuted two new tattoos dedicated to her mans, because of course she did. The first one, on her foot, is Pete’s dad’s badge number. Again, that’s intense, especially considering Ariana has never met Pete’s dad. But his memory is obviously very important to Pete, so it just shows her level of dedication. Right? Right.
Sidenote: I know I’m not a hero (in the conventional sense), but I’d just like to put it out there that when I die, please just cremate me and take some shots in my honor. No one needs to get a tattoo.
Ariana’s other new tattoo is kind of cute, but I’m still gonna roll my eyes at it. She got “pete” in tiny cursive letters on her ring finger, and I honestly don’t hate it. Really, I don’t hate any of these tattoos, I just don’t understand why there have to be so many of them! Also, can we just appreciate how pretty Ariana’s jewelry is? Truly goals.
3. The Hair Swap
I’m rounding out this update with something that is not real, nor is it something Pete or Ariana actually did, but it just brings joy to my life. The genius that made this Photoshop of Pete and Ariana swapping hairstyles is my favorite person in the world, and also Ariana would absolutely slay with this haircut. I love these crazy kids.
honestly ? not too fuckin shabby pic.twitter.com/1gMzmtXurX
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) July 19, 2018
Images: @petedavidson / Instagram; @nail_swag / Instagram; @arianagrande / Twitter
ICYMI, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are not only the hottest couple on the face of the planet, but they are also the fucking greatest parents ever. And while we’re all super happy that their adorable daughter Luna exists so we can watch her become the first female president after beating Barron Trump in the 2048 election, but honestly, Luna should share her parents. Like, you’re already in the Lucky Sperm Club, so why not fucking share already (“fucking share already,” btw, will be Luna’s campaign slogan.) But until Luna decides to stop being so damn selfish, the rest of us will have to just pretend we’re members of the Teigen-Legend fam by living vicariously through their instagrams. Just like you do with your ex and his new fiancée.
1. Mommy-Daughter Private Plane Trips
At the age of 25, I still have never ridden on a private plane. In fact, I’ve never not ridden on a plane that was oversold by 100 seats and full of a thousand angry farts. You can bet no salty-ass flight attendant is forcing Luna to check a bag or throw away her expensive AF shampoo because it’s four ounces instead of three. Plus no judgey side eyes for Luna for just trying to calm her nerves with a third Champagne-and-Xanax. Luna has beaten me in virtually every aspect of life at the ripe age of one.
2. Private Piano Lessons
Rather than waste her time spitting into a school-bought clarinet, Luna Simone Stephens (bc her last name is Stephens, apparently) receives private music lessons from her Grammy award-winning father. Sorry, other kids! Have fun learning the recorder. Could you imagine having a piano teacher that was even one ounce as hot as John Legend? I’d have been so focused on my piano playing that I’d probably be playing concert halls right now. Instead, the only musical training I get is when I drunkenly request “I Will Always Love You” at karaoke and realize halfway through that I am in no way qualified to sing it.
3. Access To An Incredible Closet
Chrissy Teigen has access to all of the hottest designers and skimpiest clothes. It’s only right to have that same privilege as her beloved daughter. Given the way fashion is cyclical, in the time it takes for Luna to become an adult person with thoughts and opinions, all her mom’s hottest looks should be coming back into fashion. All we have to do is wait 20 years and we can see all of Chrissy’s classic looks again. And then also start crying because we’re old.
4. Box Seats At Every Meaningless Sports Game
DGAF about sports, TBH, but if you’re forced to attend a sports event, box seats seem decent. They’re definitely better than sitting in the nosebleeds with some Tinder bro and having beer spilled on your for three hours. Not that that’s ever happened to me…
Luna is also in the perfect position to catch the eye of some hot AF NBA player and be set for the rest of her life. Well, more set for the rest of her life. You know what, actually Luna, you don’t need to marry a hot NBA player. Save some opportunities for the rest of us!
5. Holy Fuck, The Food
Legitimately would get so fat with Chrissy Teigen as a mother but DON’T FUCKING CARE. Besides, whatever food Chrissy is making must be magic because she eats all of it and never gains a single pound. There’s probably some Teigen family secret shit going on here that will be passed down to Luna on her 13th birthday or some shit. Like, you’re seriously going to tell me that this woman eats pizza every day, just pushed a baby out of her vag, and still has the body she does? That is some witchcraft shit. Let me into your skinny coven! Please!
6. So Much Love In This Club
The only better thing in this life than having rich parents is having rich parents that legitimately like each other. Or at least buy each other really fucking expensive and nice flowers. Unlike most celebrity children, we can’t even manage our jealousy over her perfect life by reminding ourselves that her parents only got married because their agents said they should, or that TMZ just caught them both cheating on each other with Instagram models. Nope. All signs point to John Legend and Chrissy Teigen being in love and devoted to eachother, despite the plethora of hot people who are probably trying to pull them apart daily. Luna will have the benefits of parents who modeled a loving, respectful relationship for her, making her more likely to have a loving, respectful relationship in the future. They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but here these fuckers are, rich and happy. So fucking unfair.
7. Learning How To Cook Like A Betch
Again, it cannot be stressed enough how good Chriss Teigen’s cooking is. You don’t have a mom who is a pop culture cooking sensation and not learn how to cook, right? Lemon arugula spaghetti, chicken pot pie with pie crust crackers, fried chicken wings with honey butter, these are just some of Chrissy’s recipes which I imagine she intends to pass on to her offspring. You know Luna is going to be that friend who shows up to a potluck with some gourmet mini hamburgers that put your cold cheesy potatos to shame.
8. Let’s Talk About The Food Some More
Did we mention that Chrissy Teigen and John Legend as parents would lead to a gluttonous feast? Just checking.
9. Learn How To Be A Betch From An OG Betch
Chrissy Teigen has shut down the game on Twitter before Twitter was even cool. Could you imagine learning how to throw shade from this sorceress? Chrissy Teigen has absolutely zero fucks to give, and will likely pass this amazing quality onto her child. Ugh. Makes my heart hurt with longing.
10. This Gene Pool
I volunteer as tribute to bathe in this gene pool.
John and Chrissy, if you’re reading this, we will accept all adoption requests via Twitter or personal invitation. Please and thank you.