In case you’ve been too busy making Royal Baby/Riverdale memes, I’m here to remind you that Mother’s Day is this Sunday, May 12th. I hope you’ve all purchased flowers for your Mom, or have at least given your brother very specific instructions on what to do, which is how I roll. Fingers crossed you don’t f*ck it up this year, Phil.
And we aren’t the only ones celebrating Mother’s Day, because celebrities have to do it too. Sure, they’re buying their mom a Maserati instead of 2-for-1 Yankee Candles, but the sentiment is the same. Some celebs are even moms themselves, which of course got us thinking about which celebrities we would want to adopt us. Not that I need to be to be adopted because my mom is obviously the best (Hi Mom! Love you! I know you’re reading this!), but every once in a while when she mentions my “freakish upper body strength” a girl might dare to dream. So let’s take a look at all the celebrity moms we wish would take us in!
Don’t even fight me on this one, you all know you want to be adopted by Chrissy Teigen. In this age of viral moments she’s the most viral of them all. She’s so viral in fact, Comments By Celebs has weekly dedicated roundups to the best sh*t she says. She also trolls her husband, but not in a way that’s like “I clearly emotionally abuse you at home,” but in a way that’s like “I love you awesome nerd, let’s bang.” She also is getting her own cooking show, so you know you’re eatin’ good at home. Plus, she’s a gorgeous supermodel and if you’re lucky enough, maybe you’ll even look like her. Where do I sign up?
I really, really, really hate this family. Yes, I know I write about them all the time, but a girl’s gotta buy a substantial amount of wine pay the bills, you know? And tbh it would be amazing to be a child of Kris Jenner. She was obviously the architect of this family’s rise to fame, and she climbed her way up from flight attendant to media mogul. If I must respect any of them, I begrudgingly choose her. So you know what? Adopt me, Kris. Help me make a billion dollars, I guess. FINE.
Reese is the A-list of the A-list. She is the Dom Perignon in a room full of Veuve Clicquot. She’s an actress, producer, and badass bitch, all while being one of the realest celebrity moms. Plus, as much as she appears to be the perfect southern belle, we all know she’s got a naughty side. You’re not gonna have a bad time with Reese, and every mom needs a drinking partner. I volunteer as tribute!
Not only is Reese a movie star, but now that she has her book club, you can count on her to turn any book you love into a movie. I’m still waiting on I’ll Give You the Sun, Reese, when you adopt me can we collab?
And finally, the woman is ageless, and has clearly found a way to stop time, a feat that not even Kris Jenner has managed to master even through her many deals with the devil.
Reese laughs in the face of time.
Serena Williams is the greatest of all time, and if she adopted you, Venus Williams would be your aunt. Perhaps you’ve heard of her as well? Aside from being able to serve the ball 120MPH and fighting for women’s rights, Serena is friends with THE Beyoncé and THE Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, so YOU would be able to live a life of luxury and extravagance. Count. Me. In.
Plus, you get to go to the biggest tennis matches in the world and sit in the best seats! As a mediocre high school tennis player, this is my dream life. Hi Olympia, I’m here to steal your life.
And finally, Gabrielle Union just became a mother and is already trolling her child *slow claps*. It makes sense though, because when you’ve got a baby with the best stink eye in the game, it would be foolish not to exploit capitalize on it. Plus, I already make the same faces as Kaavia all day every day at work, so Gabs would have plenty of material to create a #shadylady IG out of me.
And those are the celebrity moms I wish would adopt me! I’m not saying this is my official application, but if the government wanted to take it that way I wouldn’t be opposed. I hope you all have a fabulous Mother’s Day!
Images: Shutterstock; chrissyteigen, krisjenner, reesewitherspoon, alexisohanian, kaaviajames / Instagram
If you thought we’d finally stop writing about Bachelor gossip until at least January when
Colton loses his virginity the new season of The Bachelor airs, think again, people, because this just in: Bekah M. is pregnant. It’s been a wild week in Bachelor news. First we discovered that Jenna and Jordan’s relationship might be fake, then Amanda Stanton was arrested in Las Vegas, and now our favorite baby prostitute is having a baby. They say the devil works hard, but, damnit, Mike Fleiss works harder.
Bekah confirmed the pregnancy (and also that I’m a goddamn psychic) on her Instagram story earlier this morning. If you’ll recall, I had predicted way back in July that Bekah might be pregnant when she dropped out of Bachelor in Paradise at the last minute because she suddenly found “love.” Lol as if that’s a viable reason not to ruin your life on national television for our personal enjoyment. Please. And, look, I’m not saying I can see into the future or anything but I’m not not saying that you should let me read your palms for 20 bucks a pop. DM me for inquiries!
In an interview with PureWow, Bekah confirmed that she’s expecting her first child with
a man who looks suspiciously like Arie’s double her boyfriend Grayson Leonard. Casual reminder that Bekah has only been dating said boyfriend for seven months. SEVEN MONTHS. I’ve literally had unanswered messages in my Hinge inbox for a longer period of time, but okay.
Apparently the couple found out they were going to be parents after only three months of dating, but Bekah knew it was right because it was “legitimately a dream come true.” It’s funny because my dreams at 23 were more about extending a blackout from 11am brunch to 1am at the club, but to each her own.
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In an exclusive interview with PureWow, ‘Bachelor’ fan favorite, Bekah Martinez (@whats_ur_sign) is revealing a piece of news even more mind-blowing than the Arie-Lauren-Becca fiasco: she’s pregnant. What do you think? Boy or girl? ???????? LINK IN BIO for the full story.
In the interview she also admits that the pregnancy played a part in her turning down Paradise (surprise, surprise!) because apparently motherhood is only sexy when the kid is only mentioned off-offhandedly on-screen. Got it.
Bekah is due in January of 2019, which I’m sure is purely coincidental and not at all planned according to a Bachelor schedule. Seriously, don’t expect her to schedule a c-section for the day after Colton’s season airs, because that’s just crazy and she would never do something like that!!
In all seriousness, we’re v v happy for Bekah. I mean, it was only one year ago that this same girl was reported missing because she got too high and forgot to text her mom back. But, I mean, Mazel Tov! Ever happiness to you both!
IMAGES: Giphy (1); @purewow /Instagram (1)
We love our moms. Seriously. They’re always there for us, and we don’t know where we would be without them. But wouldn’t it be fun if your mom was not just a cool mom, but a famous mom? In our alternate fantasy life, we could be on red carpets and living in some palace in Hollywood while our parents make millions. Like, did any one else see Francis Bean Cobain at the Met Gala and think, “if only my mom had been a famous heroin addict who may or may not have killed my dad. Then that could be me!” Or how like, Jaden Smith is just allowed to do whatever tf he wants (like bringing a handful of his own human hair to that very same Met Gala). It’s like, God mom, did you really have to spend all that time working hard and raising us when you could have been trying to get famous? Like, what were you even doing before you had me?
Okay so, JK, but in the spirit of Mother’s Day, here are the top celebrity moms we want to adopt us, because it’s fun to dream.
1. Blake Lively
Blake Lively is basically the dream mom. She’s beautiful and smart and funny and she loves to cook and she has a hot husband and can you tell that we like her? We’d get to live in a beautiful home in upstate New York, and the once or twice a year we’d get to go to a movie premiere. Sounds like a sweet deal to us.
Blue Ivy is basically the princess of the world, which is what happens when your mom is an actual goddess. Like, I honestly dare anyone to show me a person who looks better pregnant than Bey. Her maternity fashion is on point. And considering she is already prepping for the arrival of her twins, so why not just adopt us at the same time? She’d barely even notice we were there.
3. Katie Holmes
This might seem like a surprising choice, but think about it. First of all, Suri was always the most stylish celebrity toddler, which is right up our alley. And now that Katie left Tom Cruise and all that Scientology bullshit behind, Suri is probably loving life. Also, we’d basically have Jamie Foxx as a stepdad now, and everyone loves a hot stepdad.
4. Meryl Streep
Not gonna lie, it would be pretty cool to have a mom who’s literally a national treasure. Her daughters are successful actors now too, which means Meryl did a pretty great job of raising them. We just need Meryl to hug us every day and tell us we’re beautiful, is that too much to ask?
5. Carrie Underwood
First of all, we really would love to inherit her flawless legs. We know that’s not actually how adoption works, but a girl can dream. Also, it would be pretty awesome to have her sing us to sleep every night. She also probably has a lot of hot country singer friends that she could set us up with. And if any guy ever cheated on us, mom would know exactly what to do.
6. Reese Witherspoon
If you watched Big Little Lies, this should be a no-brainer. You would always have a beautifully packed lunch to take to school, and she would argue with your teachers until they gave you good grades. She’s definitely the mom who’s basically your big sister, which is perfect for talking shit.
7. Natalie Portman
Natalie is perfect and has the body of a small bird, so we would definitely love to get some diet and exercise tips from her. As an Israeli-American, we’d also get Israeli passports, and she’d be sure to throw us an insane bat mitzvah. L’chaim, Betches.
8. Rachel Zoe
We want the clothes. There is no other reason.
9. Michelle Williams
First of all, Michelle has raised little Matilda as a single mom, which is the most badass thing. She also has incredible style and just seems like a person who has her shit very together. We’d love her motherly advice on how to pull off short hair, and also how to wear a choker without looking like a basic bitch.
10. Chrissy Teigen
Let me first just say that this is not a ranking and Chrissy is only number 10 because we wanted to build up the suspense. Of fucking course Chrissy would be on this list. Chrissy is gorg and a casual swimsuit model AND she’s hilarious af, especially on social media (aka the only place that matters). Chrissy is also an amazing cook and if we lived with her and John Legend (#swoon), we’d probs get fat but we’d honestly be okay with it. Actually, I’m not sure if I want Chrissy to adopt me so much as I want to BE Chrissy…
11. Tina Fey/Amy Poehler
Our ideal life situation is being co-parented by Tina and Amy, both of whom are just the best. Their kids are guaranteed to be funny and independent, and we really want to get in on it. Also, like, they’re rich AF.