Welcome, friends, to the first in what I hope will be a recurring column in which I investigate whether recent celebrity news is real or a PR stunt. Now, you might be asking yourself what gives me the right to judge the intimate details of a complete stranger’s life and decide for myself if their most recent headline-making dalliance is real or something cooked up by their publicist? Well, I have been recapping The Bachelor for the last five seasons and seeing as how that show is a modern-day Ringling Brothers Circus that specializes in creating Kris Jenner-worthy storylines for the sake of our Monday night entertainment, I’d say that’s all the certification I need. Mmkay?
Moving on. Today I thought we’d focus on a headline that is dominating entertainment news feeds as well as five of my personal group chats. I’m, of course, talking about the selfie seen ‘round the world of Kristin Cavallari and her ex-Laguna Beach lover Stephen Colletti. Last night Kristin shared a selfie on Instagram of her SITTING ON HER EX’S LAP for the entire world to see with the caption “2004 or 2020?!” Subtle, Kristin, veeery subtle.
As you’ll recall, in March, Kristin and Jay Cutler announced that they were getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage. Soon after their very chill, very “we love co-parenting” divorce Instagram announcement, headlines started popping up accusing Jay of some alleged “misconduct.” There were cheating rumors, rumors that Jay was holding the family’s bank account hostage so Kristin couldn’t find another house to live in, and other wild accusations. In May they finally reached a joint custody agreement and have been laying relatively low ever since.
Which brings us to Tuesday night and the Instagram that launched 1,000
ships speculations. Are Kristin and Stephen back together? How long have they been talking? Will she plan a vacation to Cabo for old time’s sake and, more importantly, will Stephen get drunk and call Kristin a slut for dancing on the bar?
Ah, young love! So cute! So healthy!
These are the questions that keep me up at night. But is this for real or is this a mere PR stunt? Well, let’s take a look at the evidence.
From the outside (and probably all sides, tbh) this looks very much like a PR stunt. As we’ve mentioned, Kristin’s marriage is over. For those of you who watched Very Cavallari (guilty), you know that her marriage was arguably the most interesting thing about the show. What we used to love about Kristin during her Laguna Beach era (her mean girl antics, outrageous love triangles, and ability to make choppy bobs look chic) have been completely abandoned on Very Cavallari in favor of interviews about her pilates schedule, b-roll of her pretending to cook family meals, and modeling microscopic jewelry for her Instagram followers. Jay carries the show with his bare minimum personality while Kristin maintains the stage presence of a Cobb salad.
Speaking of Very Cavallari, in May Kristin announced that we wouldn’t be getting another season of the hit E! show and was instead focusing on this “new chapter” in her life. Booooo. I’m assuming this next chapter is going to focus on growing her jewelry “empire” which consists of mid-level expensive midi rings and layering necklaces. Let’s be honest here folks, the girl could really use a PR boost.
View this post on Instagram
As I start this new chapter in my life, I have decided not to continue with ‘Very Cavallari.’ I’ve absolutely loved my time filming and am so grateful to E! Entertainment for making this journey possible. To the fans: I can’t thank you enough for all your support and for keeping up with me all of these years. I love you guys 💛
And she’s not the only one whose publicist is probably thirsty for more media coverage. According to Stephen Colletti’s IMDb page, his last television appearance was on a show called Everyone Is Doing Great about washed-up heartthrob actors “struggling to reclaim their previous level of success and relevance”, and the pilot appears to have been filmed in his basement during quarantine. Brb just going to copy and paste that entire entry to share with Merriam Webster in case they’re looking for a sentence to illustrate the definition of “rock bottom.”
Now, I can already hear some of you coming for me in the comments section with “bUt WhAt iF tHeY’rE jUsT fRiEnDs??” and, yes, they could just be friends! In fact, sources tell TMZ that the two have remained “good friends” since their break-up many eons ago, and that’s why they were seen together Tuesday night. Good friends that in the last 16 years have never posted or spoken about each other unless they’re in the midst of promoting their latest book or a trailer for the upcoming season of their show.
Final verdict: this is 100% a PR stunt. This wasn’t a nostalgic get-together with old friends or—and I hate to break my eighth grade heart—an epic Laguna Beach romantic reunion. If anything, it was a casual dinner and drinks situation that maybeee ended in a hookup on Stephen’s futon couch that triples as a bed and dining room table (IDK, I just feel like he has one of those), and Stephen pretending they’ll “totally do this again sometime” as he responds to a random’s DM on Instagram. Good luck, kids! Ever happiness to you both!
Images: @kristincavallari /Instagram (3); SheKnows.com (1); Giphy (1)
If you know anything about us here at Betches, it’s that there’s nothing in this world we love more than watching the social experiment that is Bella Thorne’s Instagram presence. And there has been a lot to keep up with over the past year. First, we learned that Bella is not just the musical genius behind the instant classic “B*tch I’m Bella Thorne,” but also a budding business mogul, when she dropped her new makeup and lingerie lines, Thorn by Bella and Filthy Fangs, respectively. Then she educated the masses on wtf a throuple is by announcing that in addition to dating the human equivalent of a dirty sock, Mod Sun, she was also dating Tana Mongeau, a girl who is most famous for propositioning Miley Cyrus via
a cry for help Twitter. Well, in addition to singer, songwriter, actress, throuple advocate, and business mogul, don’t forget that Bella Thorne is a best-selling author!
That’s right, the girl who brought us the lyrics “been inside the club since I was hella short (hella short)” and “pussy scuba diving, need a surfboard” is getting paid actual money to write a full-blown book. Bella Thorne’s book is called The Life of a Wannabe Mogul: Mental Disarray. Just writing the words “Bella Thorne” and “published author” in the same sentence is giving me stress eczema, but it’s not even her first book! Back in 2014-2016, Bella actually published a YA trilogy, which I just ordered on Amazon. That said, this new book is a whole different thing, and I’m sure you have a lot of questions about it, like “why” and “how” and “what did I do to deserve this.” Well lucky for you betches, I did
a very minimal internet search some digging and can now answer all of your burning questions. So here’s everything we know about Bella Thorne’s new book thus far:
Apparently It’s Already A Bestseller
View this post on Instagram
My book is NUMBER ONE best seller OVER NIGHT u guys made me number one ❤️BOOK IS ONLY 15 dollars right now. I’m so happy, all the loss and pain I went through/going through hopefully reading this helps u not feel so alone. I wouldn’t let an editor touch my mistakes, I wouldn’t let everyone pull me down or even if they did pull me down some how I always find a way to get back up and YOU DO THAT for me. YOU GUYS MAKE ME HAPPY. So let me help u with some of those darker places ❤️?? #thelifeofawannabemogul
Last week, Bella started promoting her book on Instagram via a series of posts in which I literally thought she was promoting scribbles on the back of random receipts. Apparently I was mistaken and that’s just her book’s aesthetic. My apologies! When I found out she was actually promoting her book, I was alarmed for a number of reasons. For one, in the caption she claims the book is a “#1 bestseller overnight” despite that fact that the book hasn’t even been released yet. As a person who used to work at one of the largest book publishing houses in the world, I can definitively say
oh, sweetie no this is not how bestsellers work. In order for a book to be a bestseller it has to first be released and then sell over 9,000 copies in its first week. Since the book doesn’t even hit shelves until July 9th, I can only assume that by “#1 bestseller” she’s referring to the book having good pre-orders, which, while good, is not at all the same thing.
The Preorder Will Include Photos
View this post on Instagram
I have collected so many special memories over the years with my Polaroid obsession. I thought it’d be cute to send u one. When you order my book right now, you’ll get one of those special little memories to keep <3 #thelifeofawannabemogul for everyone asking the song is DO NOT DISTURB by me and @steveaoki
Speaking of the preorders, if you order Bella Thorne’s book in advance, she will send you personal polaroids of her from her everyday life. Considering that her Instagram feed reads like soft-core porn, I can only imagine the “behind the scenes” images from her life she’s going to give to her most loyal fans. I would put money on it that they involve some drug paraphernalia and cleavage. I mean, look at the above video and then tell me I’m wrong.
Bella Thorne’s Book Is A Collection Of Memoir Poetry
According to Amazon, The Life of a Wannabe Mogul: Mental Disarray is a “collection of illuminating and inspiring poems that chronicles her personal struggles, relationships, and wild-child lifestyle, all with her trademark wit and wisdom.” Lol. First of all, Bella Thorne is known for many things, and I’ll even give her wit, but wisdom?? Are we sure? Secondly, did she intend for the title of this book to be a random string of words that actually makes zero sense? It’s like she Googled “impressive words” and used the first five that applied to create a sentence.
In addition to Bella’s poetry, the book will also feature
crude drawings innovative art throughout. Bella’s teased a few of these already on Instagram, including a picture of poorly drawn dice, a clock, and black scribbles. You’ll notice Bella’s drawings are also featured on the cover of the book, which resembles the background image I chose for my MySpace page after my mother refused to drive me to Barnes & Noble so I could get the latest book in the Princess Diaries series. And also the lyric video for “Look What You Made Me Do.”
So there you have it, that’s everything we know about Bella Thorne’s book. All jokes aside, Bella has been very open about her struggles with mental health and the media, which is what we need from celebrities right now. It looks like this book is going to get personal about that journey. which I imagine will be helpful to people who share or identify with those struggles. Maybe this is where that trademark wisdom will come in? Not going to lie, I might pre-order it, or at least convince a friend to let me borrow it.
The Life of a Wannabe Mogul releases on July 9th, so go ahead and mark your calendars, Betches.
Images: @bellathorne /Instagram (3)
If you watched Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and have a pulse, then you’re probably as obsessed with Peter Kavinsky as we are. And by “Peter Kavinsky” I mean Noah Centineo aka the actor who plays him. First of all, I would just like to preface this article by saying that I’m not some bandwagon fan here. I’ve been following little Noah since his time on ABC Family’s The Fosters when he was called in to replace the kid from Wizards of Waverly Place and we all had to pretend that one of the series regulars suddenly had a new (hot) face and six extra inches worth of height mid-season. Having said that, by far my favorite Noah Centineo role has been as Peter Kavinsky. If you’ll recall, Peter is the popular, lovable jock who
PUT HIS HAND IN LARA JEAN’S BACK POCKET falls for nerdy Lara Jean when they decide to fake date each other. Never mind that I’ve been trying to recreate that exact scenario with a man for going on 10 years now, and all it’s gotten me is arrested… twice. But, fine, it’s chill. And after watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, I decided to do with Noah Centineo what I’ve done with countless tween heartthrobs before him: follow him on Instagram. And boy, did I learn exactly who Noah Centineo is: a thirst trap.
That’s right, I said it. Noah Centineo is NOT actually Peter Kavinsky, and his IG is photographic proof. I’m shocked and appalled
and a little turned on by the sheer amount of thirst happening on his feed, the likes of which have not been seen since Ariel Winter decided to take her first selfie. Let’s just say if he were a woman, The Daily Mail would be calling him out on their Snap story three to five days a week. So, with gender equality in mind, let’s take a look at Noah’s thirstiest photos, shall we?
EXHIBIT A: His Day In A Life Photos
Here we have a picture of shirtless Noah climbing a tree and playing with rocks and just generally being one with nature and looking like a goddamn snack in the process. SO CASUAL. He captioned this photo “loved this day so much”, which I guess is supposed to reassure us that he’s just a chill guy and fame hasn’t changed him at all. Your nipples on my news feed beg to differ, kid. I don’t believe for one f*cking second that, before he was famous, you could find Noah playing with rocks in an abandoned parking lot and bragging about it on Instagram. Please.
EXHIBIT B: Testing Instagram’s Nudity Policy
Once again, we have a half-naked Noah lying in rumpled bed sheets. He claims this is a professionally done “photo series” which is why there are poetry lines (and I’m using the term “poetry” here loosely, obvi) on these glorified nudes. As if this is a good enough explanation. I have a feeling the creative direction for this “photo series” went something like “hoe, but make it
fashion art.” This is a move straight out of the thirst handbook: semi nudity covered up with lyrics/poetry/random string of words that sounds sad but means nothing, AND I’M NOT BUYING IT BUDDY.
EXHIBIT C: Asking All Of America ‘U Up?’
I’m sorry, but did he just send me a “u up?” ON MY GODDAMN INSTAGRAM FEED?? Look, I get enough of this from my Hinge dates, I do not need to see this from the famous 20-year-old I’ve been backwards stalking for three months now. I just don’t. Here we have Noah posting a sad face selfie of a missed FaceTime, which all but incited a riot on Instagram, judging by the amount of girls commenting “I WILL ALWAYS PICK UP!!” Congratulations, Noah, you’ve succeeded in getting every teenage girl in America
and myself to emotionally masturbate to your missed call.
So there you have it: Noah Centineo is a thirst trap. The defense rests. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to make that boudoir photo series the new background on my phone. BYE.
IMAGES: @ncentineo /Instagram (3)