Young love. It’s so beautiful, so powerful, so all-consuming, and so damn stupid. And you know who is the stupidest of all the stupids out there? Justin Bieber. That’s right, I said it. As everyone in the world now knows, Justin Bieber got engaged to the daughter of the scariest-looking Baldwin brother last month, in some sort of strange plot to prove to Selena Gomez he doesn’t still sniff a lock of her hair before bed every night. I assume.
Since the engagement, family members of both Justin and Hailey have expressed excitement and joy for this blessed train wreck of an event. But guess who doesn’t seem too excited about this mild natural disaster? Justin’s mom, Pattie Mallette. And you know why? Because his mama don’t like you, Hailey, and she likes everyone. That, or Pattie has at least one iota of common sense in her brain and can see that this is going to end about as well as the Red Wedding.
I’m sure you’re asking yourself how I, someone laying in their bed in the tri-state area, could possibly know that Pattie is just not that into this rushed engagement, and the answer to that is simple: Twitter. According to this article in Cosmopolitan, there are a few pieces of evidence. But, as much as I want to believe this conspiracy theory, the evidence is about as strong as my will to live on a Monday morning. Let’s take a look at these straws for which fans are desperately grasping.
First, we have Pattie’s Twitter bio. According to all the Beliebers out there getting their panties in a twist about this, Pattie’s bio used to say, “yes Justin Bieber is my son.” That was recently removed and now her bio only reads #LoveWins #LOVEARMY. Okay, so yes, it is a little suspicious that she removed that line from her bio, but maybe she figured after 9 years on Twitter, we already knew she was his mom? And considering Justin Bieber’s abs are aggressively staring at me from a pinned tweet at the top of her feed, could she really be THAT mad at him? I wouldn’t even feel comfortable staring at my son’s naked torso when I’m proud of his decisions, let alone when he is making a mockery of the sanctity of marriage.
— Pattie Mallette (@pattiemallette) July 2, 2018
Pattie also recently tweeted “Love is unconditional.” And I know Twitter is not, like, a binding contract, but it would be a little petty if she was mad at Justin for getting engaged to a model that his erect penis is telling him he loves. Certainly not unconditional.
The next piece of evidence that every Cosmo girl should know is that Pattie liked the following tweet from The Bachelor’s OG virgin Sean Lowe:
— Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez (@lbelievejelena) July 21, 2018
Look guys, I read into everything. I have spent hours poring over Taylor Swift lyrics to see if there’s anything to the rumors that she and Karlie Kloss were in love. And even I think this might be a stretch. The title of the Cosmo article says this is a tweet “shading rushed engagements.” BUT IS IT? This is clearly a tweet shading the garbage crop of Bachelorette contestants this season. And even though Pattie liked it, is it that far off to assume that she is also just bitter that Wills got cut unjustly?
So, as I mentioned, weak evidence at best. I do actually hope Pattie is pissed at Justin for this incredibly rash decision, but I doubt she’s leaving us all breadcrumbs on social media. We should keep our eyes on this, though, because you never know when flimsy evidence can become a possibly literal smoking gun. And if there’s anything more fun than the rushed engagement of two twentysomething millionaires, it’s a blood feud.
Images: giphy; @pattiemallette/Twitter; @ibelievejelena/Twitter
On last week’s episode of Jersey Shore, The Situation revealed that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend Lauren. Understandably, he’d like to lock her down before he gets locked up. And what do ya know, the next day US Weekly exclusively revealed that the Situation is engaged! What surprising and fortuitous timing. After hearing the Sitch’s engagement announcement I got to thinking about the rest of the castmates relationships post-filming. Did Ronnie’s baby mama castrate him for swapping STD’s with a rando who wears her nipples as an accessory? Is Sammi still happily dating her new guido? And most importantly, has Vinny ditched that skinny girl from the premiere so we can finally be together? Let’s investigate!
As mentioned above, The Situation is officially engaged. US Weekly blessed us with photos from their engagement, so head on over there if you’d like to throw up a little in your mouth. Apparently he proposed on Valentine’s Day in Miami, and chose a 3-carat cushion cut diamond in an 18-karat rose gold setting that cost him *wait for it* $65,000!
The IRS after reading this article:
Way to lie low, Mike. Don’t you think with the threat of incarceration looming perhaps you should be less obvious about the money you stole from the government? Just a thought from a bitchy but law-abiding citizen over here. I mean whatever, enjoy your prison chapel wedding I guess. At least we know orange is a flattering color on the Sitch!
After watching Ronnie fondle a woman dressed in one large fishnet stocking, I thought for sure his relationship was over. But his social media has been mostly normal posts about the show and his new daughter, Ariana, and I hadn’t read any hospital reports about meatheads being admitted after their girlfriend attempted to cut their dick off. I assumed all was well.
But friends, all you must do is ask nicely and the universe will deliver. Yesterday, Ronnie and his baby mama Jen got INTO it over social media. Ronnie accused her of keeping sex tapes of another guy and refusing to delete them. And Jen said “Can’t turn a cokehead into a father!!” So clearly they’re having problems, huh? I wish someone would be able to break through all the cocaine and steroids and get through to Ronnie to let him know things on the internet live forever. Poor little Ariana Sky is going to stumble across this one day, and wasn’t it bad enough that she’ll learn on a Jersey Shore rerun she only exists because her dad thinks pulling out is an effective birth control method? Hopefully she’ll be pretty because with these parents she sure ain’t gonna be smart.
As Ronnie said on the first episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, “I’ll always be a shitty boyfriend and a shitty husband, but I’ll never be a shitty dad.” And while I don’t believe that last part is true, he sure did prove himself right on the first part.
Even though Sammi is not on the show, her presence still looms large in the form of a partially dressed sex doll that Ronnie verbally abuses everyday. It looks like she is very happy with her replacement Ron, whose name I have not seen but whose chest I could now pick out of very strange police lineup.
She looks happy and like the PTSD has faded, so I truly hope she hasn’t seen Ron’s coked up drunken confession of love and question herself. Stay strong, sister!
And finally, I’d be remiss if I did not investigate the relationship of everyone’s favorite Keto Guido, my boy Vin. When we saw him in the premiere, Vinny introduced us to “Instagram Model” Elicea Shyann, who definitely never ate Sunday dinner at the Guadagnino house.
But, I have good news for all the Vinny groupies out there: he announced to Entertainment Tonight that they have broken up! Hooray! Vinny blamed the lack of access to technology while filming Family Vacation and the stress of long-distance. And I guess writing letters is not an option for the illiterate. Sad! Anyways, Vinny, I’m willing to give us a shot if you’re willing to venture off Staten Island. I’m not fucking going there. No offense, sweetie!
So there you have it! They all got their happily ever afters. And by happily ever afters, I mean the trash futures they absolutely deserved. If you all need me, I’ll just be over here waiting for Vinny’s call.
Update: Ronnie and his girlfriend are now broken up. Probably for the best.
Images: Giphy (2); Instagram, Sammisweetheart (2); Instagram, vinnyguadagnino; Author (1)