While being a mega-rich celebrity obviously has numerous perks, perhaps the best perk of all is having a team of people at your disposal to look fabulous from head to toe. A personal trainer, a chef, a nutritionist—all of these things make it pretty darn easy to look really hot at all times.
As a Pilates Instructor in NYC, a lot of my clients come to me with requests for a Beyoncé butt or Carrie Underwood’s arms. And that’s great—there will always be workouts to pump up your peach and tone your triceps. But it’s also not so great when you start to compare yourself to celebrities who have pretty much unlimited resources at their beck and call to get super fit. Not to mention, celebrities also have a lifestyle where they can schedule in insane two hour workouts and log 11 hours of sleep. Us? With our 9-5 jobs? And you know, responsibilities to attend to? Not so much.
If you’ve ever been frustrated while scrolling through Instagram wondering why, despite your best efforts, you don’t have the body of your favorite girl crush, let me break down all the crazy things that give celebs the upper hand.
Sleep—Lots Of It
If you’re trying to lose weight or improve your physical fitness, you should be logging at least eight hours of sleep, ideally even more if you’re trying to build muscle mass. Your body needs sleep to rejuvenate and rebuild the muscles you break down when you strength train. Not to mention, if you’re not getting quality sleep, you’re going to be too tired to even get through your workouts.
Now, we all know saying you’re going to bed at 10pm versus accidentally eating shredded cheese standing in front of your refrigerator at 11pm is a very different thing.
My doctor: When is the last time you had a good night’s sleep?
Me: https://t.co/a5jCGhJYyP— Betches (@betchesluvthis) April 10, 2019
If you’re the typical young professional, getting eight hours of sleep on top of work, personal responsibilities, relationships, and getting in a workout Monday through Friday is already a daunting task. Plus, we all deserve time to unwind and veg out watching trashy reality TV (or whatever your more sophisticated hobby is). Most of us probably fall into the category of getting closer to six to seven hours of sleep a night.
Celebrities? Not so much. Mariah Carey once reported that she likes to sleep 15 hours before performing to give her body rest (do you think I can tell my boss the same thing?) and Jennifer Lopez has also claimed she needs a solid eight hours to get her beauty rest.
Super Intense, Long-Ass Workouts
Maybe if you’re a low-key fitness class groupie (hi, yes, occasionally I am this person) you’ve taken two back-to-back group fitness classes or mustered up the energy to go for a two hour long run. But on an average day, sometimes it’s challenging to fit just 45 minutes of exercise.
Celebs like Bella Hadid have been known to hit the gym for two plus hours. Two. plus. Hours. I’m exhausted just writing that.
And let’s not forget about Mark Wahlberg, who has bragged on his Insta story about waking up at 2:30am to squeeze in two workouts per day and have plenty of family time. OK. same.
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Taking it to another level!! ???? @performinspired #lookalive @champagnepapi
When looking good is your full-time job, I guess scheduling more than an hour of sweat time is just another meeting in your Google Calendar?
Personal Trainers
Sometimes the hardest part about working out is just figuring out WHAT to work out. I’m guilty of getting to the gym, looking timidly at the free weights, and deciding that maybe today should just be a cardio day. But that’s where a personal trainer can come in handy. Not only does sweating under the watchful eye of a trainer make you more likely to push through some difficult spots (aka your entire workout), they’re also there to guide you and make sure you’re working out effectively.
Unfortunately, most personal training comes at a hefty cost. If you live in a major city, you can expect to pay at least $100 for an hour long training session. And the more experience your trainer has, the more likely those prices shoot way up.
When you’re a celeb making seven figures, you probably won’t think twice about shelling out over $1,000/month for lots of one-on-one time with a personal trainer. But when you’re just an aspiring Carrie Bradshaw trying to not blow your rent money on new shoes, you probably aren’t going to want to drop a ton of cash getting one on one attention on top of an already pricy gym membership.
Weird AF Diet Habits
In case you don’t have an Instagram (are you OK?) or maybe don’t follow a slew of influencers and celebs, you should know that the eating habits of celebrities is fascinating. When they’re not hawking “fitness tea” and appetite suppressant lollipops, a good majority of them still have pretty damn weird diets.
In a food diary for E! News, Kourtney Kardashian admitted she starts her day out with collagen supplements on an empty stomach, followed by shots of apple cider vinegar. Gross. For one, collagen is kinda, sorta a major scam and two, most of the collagen you’re buying is likely made from fish scales, animal hides, or bones. I really just threw up. (Full disclaimer: I am ~vegan~ but like, I can’t imagine that this is appealing to anyone…?) Kourt also seems to follow a dairy-free diet with lots of greens, which seems health and normal, but then you have recipes on her new site Poosh for Kris’ “famous” brownies. There is a note Kourt adapts it for dairy free ingredients, but kinda seems a little, maybe, uh, contradictory?
Crash diets are also not unheard of in Hollywood. Beyonce made waves when she was filming “Dream Girls” for losing 20 pounds following the infamous “master cleanse.” The master cleanse consists of only drinking a “lemonade” made with lemons (duh), cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Wow. Seems appetizing.
Just kidding, I would rather eat solid food and feel happy than ever stick to a liquid diet. And I’m pretty confident that any normal human who attempts any sort of juice cleanse would be hangry in about two hours. You need legitimate fuel to just exist on your couch and watch Netflix—and even more if you’re active.
But at least there are celebs in the world like Chrissy Teigen who blatantly talks about her love for garlic and literally let her husband eat fried chicken off of her bum. I love a good hero.
I’d say 90% of my recipes have 8/10 cloves or more. Makes for a pungent blueberry pancake but i refuse to do any less. https://t.co/nuAQre1inh
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) January 5, 2019
The bottom line is, we can’t measure ourselves up against celebrities. The whole reason celebrities look better than us normal people is precisely because celebrities are not normal people. They have so much more money and time to dedicate strictly to their appearance. And that’s not even touching the plastic surgery. So be nice to yourself, k?
Images: markwahlberg, krisjenner / Instagram; betchesluvthis, chrissyteigen / Twitter
It is a truth universally acknowledged by anyone with eyes that Kourtney Kardashian is a 38-year-old mother of three with a BANGING body. It’s equal parts inspiring and rage-inducing to know that this woman looks better in her late thirties than I did in my prime college years before the alcohol abuse and limitless access to carbs took their toll. RIP 21-year-old body. I hardly knew, ye.
Luckily for us commoners, Kourtney released her daily meal plan on her app and, as per usual, we have a lot to say. First of all, the woman loves a tasteless pudding. But she also loves bikinis and looking like a damn snack, so I guess the two go hand in hand.
We broke the diet down for you in case you decide to eat like a Kardashian for a day. Pro-tip: if it’s excessively expensive and tastes like raw sewage, it will keep you young forever.
First thing in the morning: “Every morning, when I wake up, I take collagen supplements on an empty stomach. About 20 minutes after the collagen, I usually drink one tablespoon of organic apple cider vinegar mixed into a glass of water. Both of these habits have a ton of health benefits that affect everything from your skin to the way your body processes nutrients.”
From my brief experience with prenatal vitamins in high school, I can tell you with the utmost certainty that supplements on an empty stomach are a terrible idea. But if it means I look like Kourtney at 38, I guess it’s something I’d be willing to try.
The tablespoon of apple cider vinegar sounds gross but my mother and her iron immune system swear by it, which basically makes me a distant Kardashian relative I guess.
Before Breakfast: “Before breakfast, I take a vegan probiotic shot. Then, almost every morning, I eat freshly made avocado pudding with E3Live blue-green algae, bone broth protein powder and MCT oil. It only takes a few minutes to make and it provides healthy fats to give me energy before a workout.”
I can’t even fathom what a vegan probiotic shot tastes like, but I would be willing to bet it’s something akin to frothy, grassy, garbage. I’m sure I can buy one at my local New Seasons for the low, low cost of $9 and a painful morning spent in the shared office bathroom.
The avocado pudding concoction sounds like Kourtney threw a couple darts at a board covered in health food buzzwords and then poured them all in her Vitamix. I’m sure it tastes like saw dust and makes her skin glow like a newborn baby. But just for fun, let’s break it down:
- First you have the obligatory avocado, which as well know is God’s gift to millennials and packed with healthy monosaturated fatty acids.
- A quick Google search tells me that other than being found in lakes and reservoirs, blue-green algae is also a superfood that is high in protein, B-vitamins, and iron which is supposedly beneficial for a whole slew of ailments, ranging from ADHD, stress, PMS, and generally just attempting to live your life in 2018.
- MCT oil is harvested from coconuts and is familiar to me because it’s one of the magical ingredients in the legal heroin that is Bulletproof Coffee. 100% Betch Ivy Carter approved. Moving on.
- Bone broth protein powder is exactly what it sounds like: protein powder made from both broth, which is essentially a 2018 rebrand of the regular broth you use to make soup. Except, you know, good for you and shit.
Altogether, this sounds like an incredibly expensive, tasteless pudding and I’m going out tomorrow to buy all the ingredients for it because have you SEEN Kourtney? The woman knows what she’s doing.
Breakfast: “After exercising—which I try to do 5-6 times a week in the morning—I usually have a bowl of whole grain oatmeal made on the stove (instant isn’t as good for you!). I’ll add fruits, sprinkle seeds or bee pollen, or drizzle honey on top to mix it up.”
Kourtney Kardashian eats oatmeal. I repeat, Kourtney Kardashian eats OATMEAL. Sure, she puts bougie ingredients on it, but it’s still oatmeal. There may, in fact, be hope for the rest of us yet. I’ll just ignore the 5-6 days of exercise a week and pretend like we’re on the same level here.
Lunch: “I love salads, so I usually have one for lunch every day with some type of protein added, like chicken or salmon. Whenever possible, I try to make my own simple balsamic or ginger dressing since store-bought dressings have lots of unnecessary sugar and preservatives.”
We’ve already put ample research time into what exactly is up with the Kardashians’ go-to salads and, spoiler alert, they’re just salads. Not even a nice seared ahi story. It’s a chef salad.
Afternoon Snack: “If I’m hungry in the afternoon, I’ll have fresh vegetables with avocado hummus, raw almonds or a bit of fresh fruit. I also usually drink hot green tea right after lunch.”
When I’m hungry in the afternoon I have to physically restrain myself from diving face first into a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, but to each their own.
Pre-Dinner Snack: “In the evening, before dinner, I do another round of apple cider vinegar mixed with water, then another probiotic shot.”
This isn’t a snack, Kourtney. A glass of vinegar water and a probiotic shot can range anywhere from a cleanse to an actual punishment (same thing tbh), but not a snack.
Dinner: “I love fresh, simple soups made with asparagus, sweet potatoes or beets. I also make turkey chili when it’s cold outside. I usually try to make soups and chili on a Sunday, so I have the extras in the fridge when I’m busy during the week.”
I have a sneaking suspicion that the six bowls of chili doused in cheese and sour cream that I’ll be consuming at this weekend’s Super Bowl party will vary slightly from the turkey chili Kourtney makes on brisk Sunday nights. At the very least, I know that mine will have 100% less blue-green algae in it.
Sweet Snack: “Even though I eat healthy most of the time, I think it’s really important to have something sweet—especially when it’s worth it, like Chef K’s matcha chia seed pudding.”
I bet Chef K’s matcha chia seed pudding is decadent compared to Kourtney’s morning concoction, but I doubt it would land anywhere in the realm of dessert where the rest of us are concerned. Then again, no part of Kourtney’s daily routine would register anywhere near normal for the rest of us, so this shouldn’t be all that much of a surprise.
TL;DR: you are not Kourtney Kardashian. Don’t bother.
Images: Giphy (3)
I used to believe Us Weekly when they tried to convince me stars were “just like us.” I mean, can you blame me? How can you look at a photo of Matthew McConaughey pushing a shopping cart and think otherwise? Needless to say, I was wrong, and I wasn’t considering the fact that celebrities have homes on islands that can’t be located on a map. Like, these people do cocaine to prepare for award shows and they’ve never swiped a debit card in their lives. They’re extra. I recently enjoyed investigating/shit-talking strange things celebs do to stay healthy, and I’ve decided to dig even deeper into their bizarre diets. After doing some research, here are the diets worth talking about.
1. Reese Witherspoon’s Baby Food
Something about the image of a 41-year-old woman waking up in her Santa Monica mansion and downing a jar of baby food for breakfast is just disturbing to me. In a world where you can literally hire a Michelin star chef to cook you gourmet healthy meals, you decide to crack open a jar of Gerber sweet potato mush meant for a 6-month-old. Honestly, I understand Reese is technically eating fruits and vegetables all day, but I really DGAF about how many nutrients are in these jars. You’re an adult. Stop eating baby food and eat some food meant for grown-ups. Or like, just buy a Vitamix if you’re that committed to eating blended produce.
2. Megan Fox’s Vinegar Shots
We knew Megan Fox was a betch ever since she bitched out MK & Ashley in Holiday in The Sun, and her lifestyle choices since 2001 have only confirmed our convictions. Megan Fox has admitted that she literally hates dieting and exercising, so she basically eats whatever she wants and then goes on some extreme cleanse right before she has to look good for a movie. One psycho cleanse she loves is the vinegar diet, where she practically starves herself and takes shots of vinegar to flush water weight out of her body and cleanse her entire system, whatever that means. There’s no way this shit was cleared by her doctor.
3. Beyoncé’s ‘Dreamgirls’ Master Cleanse
Before Bey and Jay started cooking vegan spaghetti for dinner, Bey was a crazy dieter, and she did this insane master cleanse diet back in the day to drop 20 pounds for Dreamgirls. Aside from liquid shakes and soups, Beyoncé literally only drank this cleanse drink, which is a mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. No solid food for 14 days. Personally, I’d die. Wouldn’t everyone? I guess that’s what differentiates the normal human from Queen B. Also like, her 50 Grammys and $350 billion net worth, but whatever.
4. Adriana Lima’s Protein Shakes
It’s not exactly breaking news that Victoria’s Secret models starve themselves before the fashion show, but Adriana Lima’s protein shake diet just confirms that fact, so please stop showing us videos of these girls boxing with a fake trainer in an XXS sports bra. Adriana admits that for a couple weeks leading up to the show, she cuts out all carbs and relies on protein shakes to survive. Oh, she also works out for two hours a day. I mean, I felt lightheaded just typing that. How is this girl still standing? Can we just hope she eats some bread after the show is over like Gigi claims to do? I’m concerned.
5. Amanda Seyfried’s Raw Food Phase
I used to wonder how Amanda Seyfried looked like she was glowing at all times, and I guess it’s because she was eating raw celery everyday. Suddenly I’m not as jealous. A few years back, Amanda Seyfried ate an all-raw diet, which is exactly what it sounds like. She ate raw vegetables, nuts, and seeds. I seriously wouldn’t even feed that shit to a bird. Like, she now admits that it was intense and awful, but seriously, what kind of results are worth that pain? I’m gagging just thinking about snacking on raw spinach. Can someone please pass me an Oreo before I vom?
6. Shailene Woodley’s Clay Habit
Remember when you were little and your mom would yell at you for eating Play-Doh? It turns out this bullshit is now being encouraged as a “detoxification” method. Shailene Woodley straight-up eats clay, and she actually swears by it. Apparently clay helps build your immune system, balances your pH levels, and helps your body fight off diseases. I’m sorry, but don’t Flintstones vitamins do the same thing?? This diet hack sounds like something your Pledge Master made you do and swear to never talk about again. This Hollywood alternative nutrition shit has officially gone too far.
