2021 will go down in history for the celeb couples that came from it. There were rekindled relationships, rumored romances finally confirmed, and pairings that no one ever saw coming. But as we ring in the new year, we are here to tell you the couples that won’t last to see next year’s ball drop.
Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck
What a ride. Bennifer V2 has been fun to watch. Who knew a PR stunt relationship could bring our nation together again? Coming off the heels of her public breakup with A-Rod, J.Lo needed something big to change the narrative. But no one expected what came next.
By reuniting Bennifer, J.Lo yanked A-Rod from the pop culture zeitgeist, cementing herself as the clear winner of the breakup. Ben got to clean up his image, getting back on track as a movie star and hopefully, giving up his role as source material for some of the internet’s favorite memes.
Sometime this year, well timed around a launch for J.Lo, they will amicably go their separate ways having taken what they needed from this rekindled showmance. We all owe them a big thank you, though. They were a bright spot in a tough year.
Kim Kardashian & Pete Davidson
Whether a PR stunt that went on too long or a meet-cute on the set of SNL, Kimmy is half a lawyer now and Pete’s partying ways will drive them apart before the end of Q1. Don’t get us wrong, we love sugar mama Kim. She deserves a little fun. And whether it’s Pete’s BDE or his great personality that kept Kim’s attention, this one lasted far longer than the contract Kris Jenner wrote. But it’s time for Kim to say thank u, next.
Zoë Kravitz & Channing Tatum
When these two started popping up all over New York City, we were surprised, and then delighted by the onslaught of streetwear inspo. We all enjoyed this unexpected duo serving us looks as they were photographed drinking iced coffee about town, but, just like a cute Zara top, this couple won’t last forever.
Zoë’s star continues to rise, while Channing is working on another Magic Mike sequel that no one asked for. Breakups can be hard, but at least we’ll always have those Met Gala photos.
John Mulaney & Olivia Munn
John Mulaney’s love life setting TikTok detectives ablaze this year sounds like a Mulaney bit, but that’s the world we lived in in 2021. Murky timelines and a very unexpected pregnancy later, John Mulaney and Olivia Munn emerged as a full-on couple ready to bring a new baby into this world.
They were on. They were off. They were confusing. Their relationship started in 2021 (we think), brought a baby into this world in 2021, and will be staying in 2021. But a baby is for life, so hopefully they go their separate ways amicably.
Michael B. Jordan & Lori Harvey
When Michael’s not busy being the zaddy of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, he is beefing up his already sizable acting portfolio. And within the last year, Lori’s built a career as more than just Steve Harvey’s daughter. We do love to see it. But let’s be real. Two people this pretty cannot mate for life—look at Brad and Angie. We predict they’ll end up blaming their breakup on busy schedules and “being at different stages in life” (which is code for “there’s a 10-year age gap”).
Olivia Wilde & Harry Styles
No pairing has ever shocked the internet more. Who remembers when Ashton and Demi blew our minds with their age gap? Well, Olivia is further proof that if men can do it, women can do it too.
Olivia and Harry didn’t give us much, but we analyzed every grainy video of her dancing at his concerts. Now that Olivia’s ex, Jason Sudeikis, is back on the dating scene post-divorce, we can finally feel good that all’s well that ends well. But watermelons are a seasonal fruit, and this watermelon sugar high will have to have a comedown eventually.
Zendaya and Tom Holland
We know. We know. We don’t want to be the ones to say it. We don’t even want to put this energy into the universe, but someone has to tell the hard truths. Their chemistry is electric. She is the high fashion queen to his short king. And after years of rumors, we finally got some confirmation that this is more than just a friendship. Or is it?
Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but look at the facts: The rumors of them dating started dropping at the exact time buzz for their new Spider-Man movie began. The movie that was positioned to save the box office and bring Americans back to the theater. Wouldn’t these two professionals do anything to be the heroes of the film industry? And how easy would it be for two great friends to share a few chaste kisses and flirt a little bit during press interviews?
Like we said, we hope we’re wrong and this one is for real and forever. But once Spider-Man numbers are in and these two start work on their next A-list project, our spidey senses are telling us this relationship will slowly fade away.
Images: RB/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images; Emma McIntyre/Getty Images; James Devaney/GC Image; JOCE/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images
“One of the most hated rom-coms of all time.”
“The movie that should have ended Ben Affleck’s acting career.”
“One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.”
2003 marked the year of Gigli, a movie with no artistic merit but major importance in pop culture history as the tarnished platter on which Bennifer was served to the world. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck met on the set of Gigli and were engaged by the time of its release, despite her being married to Cris Judd at the time of filming. The pair ushered in the first ever celebrity couple blended nickname—Bennifer. Today’s generation identifies their courtship mainly through vintage paparazzi photos and the iconic ass grab from the “Jenny from the Block” music video. The rekindled lovers reunited over the weekend, confirming romance rumors with not-at-all staged yacht photos in which Ben covered his enormous back tattoo with a button-down (as if we’d forget, Ben).
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On the tails of the couple’s Instagram announcement, I’ll celebrate the official coming out of Bennifer 2.0, but I’ll never forgive them for Gigli, the couple’s cursed love child, now 18 years old.
With a Rotten Tomatoes score of 6%, Gigli sits at the top of Yahoo Movies’ worst-rated movies of all time list. One of the greatest flops in cinematic history, the film earned $7 million at the box office against a $76 million budget. After only a few weeks on the big screen, the movie was pulled from most theaters across the country, and its writer and director, Martin Brest, has not worked on another film since.
How did Ben Affleck, having just written the Oscar-winning Good Will Hunting, and J.Lo, once named Forbes’ “Most Powerful Celebrity in the World,” come together to create such pure chaos? How is this movie that bad?
I thought I’d get better use out of my film studies minor than this, but hey, I watched it so you don’t have to.
This is a movie about a mobster named Larry Gigli, which despite being pronounced as “jee-lee,” has already been cemented into your mind as “jiggly.” Larry Gigli is instructed to kidnap a prosecutor’s mentally disabled brother under the close watch of his fellow enforcer-turned-sexy-babysitter, Ricki (J.Lo).
In his groundbreaking, never-before-seen portrayal of “Italian Mobster Who Resents Opinions of Women,” Affleck leads the film, which follows Ricki and Gigli as newfound partners in the New York mob scene. But wait—trouble is ahead for Gigli as he learns that Ricki, with her mini-skirts and blown-out hair, is a lesbian. Don’t fret—the gay agenda is no match for this early 2000s white heartthrob.
The plot details of Gigli are so confusing that not even a Wikipedia page could keep me on track. Somewhere between Christopher Walken’s early monologue as a suspicious detective who never again appears in the movie and the mutilation of a corpse, I got lost. I traced the lines on Ben’s massive back Phoenix and made my way home to the central plot of this god-awful movie.
Tasked with hiding Brian, the prosecutor’s brother, the duo lies low. Flying under the radar like any good mobsters, Gigli and Ricki drive the hostage through every street in Los Angeles in a top-down convertible. Discreet. During an unexplained pit stop at her house, Gigli introduces Ricki to his mother, who takes a liking to her, despite her being a lesbian. “Never mind,” says mom, “She’s been with fellas before, am I right, darling?”
We hard cut to J.Lo doing near-naked candlelit yoga as Gigli looks on, sporting the “I can turn her” game face. The pair begin a classic battle of the sexes debate: Gigli’s “frontier conquering” and “obstacle eradicating” penis versus her vagina, wrapping up their discussion with longing stares as out-of-place romantic music swells in the background. The romance is quickly interrupted by a call from the mob boss instructing Gigli to cut off Brian’s finger, because why not? The mafia does that, right?
CONTENT WARNING: The following section contains discussion of suicide, which may be upsetting to some readers.
The following day, Ricki’s ex-girlfriend shows up at the door of this highly discreet mafia hideout and slits her wrists. Gigli and Co. take her to the hospital, where our leading man removes the finger of a corpse in the morgue to spare Brian’s and we literally never speak of the ex-girlfriend again. After the romance of a violent suicide attempt and the aromas of the morgue, Gigli confesses his love, calling Ricki a “fucking untouchable, unhaveable, unattainable brick wall f*cking dyke-a-saurus rex.”
That’s a direct quote.
Having been swept off her feet via sexual harassment, Ricki opens herself to love and sleeps with Larry Gigli. Now, while everyone involved with the making of this monstrosity should be brought up on criminal charges, the real enemy is the writer who made Jenny from the Block turn the words “it’s turkey time” into dirty talk, having her literally say, “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble” as an invitation for sex. Accused of ruining cinema and the careers of two Hollywood darlings, Gigli has now ruined oral sex.
The duo is called to meet with the mob’s top dog, played by Al Pacino, whose involvement in this movie is such a betrayal it brought a tear to my eye. Pacino kills one of his mafiosos on the spot before turning his attention to Gigli and Ricki, who come within an inch of their life, only to be saved by Ricki’s feminine superpower—basic communication. The pair escape safely and leave the mob life together.
In the end, Ricki breaks it off, vowing to go “somewhere clean”—a line I’m still left wondering about. Ricki and Gigli drive Brian to the beach and, I guess, leave him there? Through tears, Gigli gives Ricki his car and, I guess, walks home?
At a painstaking two-hour runtime, Gigli is a movie about toxic masculinity winning out in the end. By 2003’s standards, a tough guy in a Zara leather shacket is an unstoppable force, and in the end he gets his girl (whether she wants to be there or not). The 2021 version of Gigli would likely end with Ricki stealing the car and—just kidding, there is no 2021 version of this mess. The tear-jerking closing line is as follows: “as far as the lesbian thing goes, if you ever think about hopping the fence, give me a call.” The two share a final kiss and Ricki drives away to the melancholy notes of a violin.
That is, until minutes later when Ricki returns to pick up Gigli and the two drive off into the sunset together.
The end.
Following production of the world’s worst movie, Ben Affleck placed multiple trade ads all over Los Angeles, amounting to thousands of dollars a pop. These ads were often taken out by industry executives to congratulate other industry names on their recent achievements, very insider baseball. Affleck’s ad was a love letter to Jennifer (married at the time), reading, “You have shown kindness, dedication, diligence, humility, graciousness of spirit, beauty in courage, great empathy, astonishing talent, real poise and true grace. It has been nothing but an honor and a pleasure to work with you. I only wish I were lucky enough to be in all your movies. With love, respect and gratitude, Ben Affleck.” Hey @Tinx, what box is this?
By 2004, J.Lo had married Marc Anthony, Ben Affleck had made out with Jennifer Garner at a World Series game, and Gigli had been forgotten.
Too often, we hear stories of star-crossed lovers parting ways after tragedy; some wounds are too deep to recover from. I can’t speak for Bennifer, but as a pop-culture enthusiast, I can never go back to a time before Gigli. Following the big-screen flop, Gigli’s ghost haunted late-night monologues and SNL sketches but was laid to rest following the breakup of Hollywood’s It Couple. The impact of this truly awful piece of cinema underscores every Bennifer headline or Deux Moi blind item. For their performances in Gigli, Jen and Ben won Razzie Awards for worst actor, actress, and on-screen couple of the year, but something tells me the combined $24 million paycheck helped the couple sleep at night.
Somewhere in the French Riviera aboard multi-million-dollar yachts, with her newsworthy six-pack and his rainbow body art (third reference in the can), Bennifer is locking eyes and thinking, “it’s turkey time.” While somewhere in Los Angeles, A-Rod is weeping.
If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Images: jlo / Instagram; Featureflash Photo Agency
For most of us, 2020 has probably not been the best time to get into a new relationship. With the combination of bars and restaurants being closed, social distancing guidelines in place, and some areas under literal stay-home orders, meeting new people isn’t an easy thing right now. But that’s apparently not the case for celebrities, because we’re still hearing about new couples all the time. In fact, lots of famous people have ended one relationship and started another, all during “quarantine.” We’ve all seen the million walks Ana de Armas and Ben Affleck have been going on, and now there’s a new celebrity couple going on walks together. Colton Underwood and Lucy Hale are apparently dating.
If your immediate reaction to this piece of news was “Lucy, WYD???”, then congratulations, you have taste. As we all know, Colton hasn’t been single for long—he and Cassie announced their breakup at the end of May. But while Cassie recently called him out for being shady on social media, it looks like Colton has moved on. On Wednesday, TMZ spotted him and Lucy on a hike together in Los Angeles, and there was not a mask in sight. According to TMZ’s sources, they’ve been seeing a lot of each other recently, and have gone on several “casual hike dates” in the last few weeks.
Colton Underwood and Lucy Hale are Casually Dating, Hiking Together https://t.co/EzI9gdAoFE
— TMZ (@TMZ) July 17, 2020
But in the most shocking twist to this story, Colton didn’t even have to do the work here! TMZ’s sources say that Lucy “reached out to Colton soon after his split from ex-girlfriend Cassie Randolph.” In this case, I feel like “reached out” is definitely a fancy way of saying she slid into his DMs, and good for her I guess. Considering Colton has already had COVID, maybe he’s the safest person to start dating right now?
While their IRL relationship is definitely recent, it turns out that Lucy Hale has been a fan of Colton for a long time. Back in 2018, when he was selected as the Bachelor, she told PeopleTV that she was “super excited” to see him as the lead. She added that he seemed “wholesome” and like a “good guy,” and that he was “beautiful to watch.” Tbh, if someone called me “beautiful to watch” I’d probably take out a restraining order, but I think she meant it as a compliment. I can’t wait for the conspiracy theories about how Lucy Hale manifested Colton and Cassie’s breakup just so she could shoot her shot with him—season 18 of Pretty Little Liars is getting crazy!
Even though Lucy Hale and Colton Underwood seem like a strange pairing, it’s definitely not the first time that a real celebrity has dipped into the dating pool of Bachelor Nation. Most notably, there’s Wells Adams and Sarah Hyland, who are currently engaged. Much like Lucy and Colton, Sarah had a crush on Wells during his initial run on The Bachelorette, and by the time he became the bartender on Bachelor In Paradise, they were openly flirting with each other on Twitter. Eventually the flirting started happening in real life, and the rest is history. Ah, modern love.
And who could forget last year’s whirlwind relationship between Tyler Cameron and Gigi Hadid? Truly, how did that happen less than a year ago? That was most likely another case of a super famous woman sliding into a Bachelor guy’s DMs, seeing as Gigi followed Tyler on Instagram before his time on Hannah’s season even came to an end. They were only together for a few months, but things seemed pretty serious, with Tyler meeting Gigi’s famous friends (including Serena Williams and Taylor Swift) and even going to Holland for her grandmother’s funeral. But that didn’t last too long, and soon Tyler was hanging out with Kylie’s BFF Stassie Karanikolaou.
And Tyler wasn’t the only one of Hannah Brown’s contestants who caught an A-lister’s eye. During the season, Demi Lovato posted on Instagram about Mike Johnson, and before long, they were flirting in each other’s comments. In September, they were seen at dinner together, and in a podcast interview, Mike said they had been on multiple dates, and that Demi “kisses really well.” Things fizzled out before long, but wow, 2019 was a year.
The most random celeb/Bachelor Nation couple of all time, however, has to be January Jones and Nick Viall. Rumors that they were an item started back in 2018, but neither of them said anything at the time. But earlier this year, Jones finally confirmed the story. In this case, it was Nick who slid into January’s DMs, after he saw her “blasting” him on social media during his time on the show. He offered to take her out to “see if I can change your mind,” and they went on a few dates after that. Jones said they mostly just talked about his time on the show, and that she “got a lot of juicy inside stuff.” Clearly things didn’t last that long, but I still can’t believe it happened in the first place.
So based on these past examples, it’s impossible to predict how Colton and Lucy’s new romance will end up—marriage could be in their future, or they could be over as soon as Lucy gets all the Bachelor tea she wants. Either way, hopefully they’re taking more s0cial distancing precautions than the paparazzi photos would suggest.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; TMZ / Twitter; sarahhyland / Instagram
Rihanna is a total badass, and it seems like men have always had a tough time keeping up with her. Of course, there was her nightmare situation with Chris Brown, who somehow still isn’t canceled a decade later. Since then, Rih has spent time with rappers and athletes, but for the past couple years, she’s been focused on a billionaire businessman. Honestly, that’s the type of energy I need in my life. She’s officially the world’s richest female musician, and she has a man with money to match. Who is Rihanna’s boyfriend, and how long have they been a thing? Here’s what we know.
To start, his name is Hassan Jameel, and did I mention he’s a billionaire? He’s from Saudi Arabia, where his family owns Abdul Latif Jameel, one of the largest multi-faceted companies in the country. The company is active in over 30 countries, and their biggest thing is owning the distribution rights to Toyota cars in like, most of the Arab world. Casual. The company was founded by Hassan’s grandfather, and he currently serves as the Deputy President and Vice Chairman of Saudi Arabia operations. Sound a little entry level, but I guess he’s doing okay.
Now that we’ve addressed the “who is Rihanna’s boyfriend” issue, let’s get to the “WHEN DID THIS BECOME A THING???” issue. If you’re a close follower of Rihanna’s personal life, you’ve probably known about Hassan for a while, because he and Bad Gal have actually been together since 2017. The first time they were ever seen together was New Year’s Eve in 2016, shortly after Drake had professed his love for Rihanna in one of the cringiest moments ever captured on video.
In April 2017 they were seen together in Tokyo, but at this point Hassan was still a mystery man. Tokyo makes perfect sense, because Hassan went to college there and speaks fluent Japanese, due to his family’s business with Toyota. (If you fell asleep all those times your dad was talking about cars, Toyota is a Japanese company.) That summer, Rihanna’s dad told a tabloid that she had recently told him about her new boyfriend, and that “he’s going to have to buckle up.” Idk why Rihanna’s dad is out here talking to tabloids about his daughter, but I’m here for the dramz.
Things seemed good for the next year or so, until an apparent split last June. According to a source, they were good together, but Rihanna “gets tired of men sometimes.” Girl, SAME.
Live footage of Rihanna/me being tired of men:
But in another move that seems like something I would do (have done), Rihanna got back with Hassan the next month. Since then, they’ve been going strong, and right now they’re on vacation together in Italy. Rihanna has been spending most of her time in Europe recently, and I have a feeling it’s for both business and personal reasons. She told T Magazine that she moved to London earlier this year, which makes sense for her Paris-based fashion brand, but also because Hassan spends a lot of time there.
I don’t know how serious they are, but I’m all of a sudden very into this relationship. In approximately 30 minutes, I’ve gone from “lol who is Rihanna’s boyfriend” to wondering how soon they’re going to get married. If Rihanna’s not giving us a new album, I would settle for some stunning wedding photos. It’s been approximately 12 hours since Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk broke up, but this relationship is already clearing my skin and giving me hope for the future.
Congrats to Rihanna on bagging a billionaire, but bigger congrats to Hassan Jameel on bagging f*cking Rihanna. Meanwhile, I’ll let you know if my latest app guy ever decides to message me back. It’s not looking great over here!
Images: Shutterstock; fentyxjameel, gheir / Instagram; Giphy (2)
I’m still processing the news of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s breakup, and there are still so many questions, namely, why Pete and Ariana broke up. While we keep waiting for some more official answers, or even just a brief statement, why not speculate on some things? Enter Enty Lawyer, a self-described “300-pound entertainment lawyer who has been married six times, lives in his parent’s basement and has an obsession with digging up celebrity dirt.” If you don’t know Enty (we are on a first-name basis, get on my level), you should. He’s known for his scary accurate blind gossip items, which are basically unnamed celebrity gossip rumors that have not been confirmed, but more often than not end up being correct. He doesn’t name names, but he will leave clues as to who his blind items are about, and it’s the readers’ jobs to try to figure it out, basically like a riddle. Enty also has a podcast, which is literally amazing. In a recent episode, he did a deep dive into some theories behind why Pete and Ariana broke up, and I decided to cover a few of the more believable ones. You should def listen to his entire episode for all his theories. Obviously, none of these have been confirmed, so all of these should be taken with a grain of salt, but there’s a lot to consider.
Cheating
Okay, so in the past, we’ve discussed the truly insane timeline of Pete and Ariana’s relationship. Without any inside knowledge of the situation, it basically seems impossible that there wasn’t some kind of cheating/dishonesty going on at the beginning of this relationship, even if things didn’t get physical until both Pete and Ariana were single. I have my doubts, but that’s neither here nor there. More interestingly, Enty says that Ariana has recently been texting (and maybe even sexting) with her ex, Big Sean. Okay, so I liked Ari and Big Sean when they were originally together, but I think she really needs to stop dating the same three men over and over again. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like Ari should probably just spend some time alone working on herself, given the year she’s had.
Missed Appearances
Ariana’s entire career, she’s always been pretty reliable. You never hear about her being tough to work with or erratic, other than some famous donut licking. But lately, Ariana hasn’t been great at showing up to things. She was apparently supposed to be featured at last month’s Emmy Awards, but just didn’t show up at the last minute. She also skipped the American Music Awards, where she was a nominee. She dropped out of Saturday Night Live with short notice, leading them to replace her with Kanye—and we all know how well that went. But most importantly, just in the past week, she skipped a charity event hosted by Scooter Braun, her own manager, where she was allegedly going to perform. That’s not a good look at all, and it leads to the suspicion that her team may have had a talk with her about how Pete was affecting her reputation.
Mac
As if Pete and Ariana’s relationship wasn’t crazy enough already, the sudden death of Mac Miller really cast a tragic shadow on things. His passing obviously deeply affected Ariana, and that’s not something most people easily bounce back from. Mac was in her life for years, and she loved him no matter what. A source told PEOPLE that his death “made her rethink many things in her life”, like getting married. It makes sense that suffering a devastating loss would make you reevaluate your life.
These are just some of the theories thrown out in Enty’s podcast. You really should listen to the whole thing, because he throws out a lot of wild stuff. You do have to pay for it, but it’s worth it.
For the last few weeks, our Bachelor Nation energy has been firmly focused on the nightmare that is Jordan Kimball and Jenna Cooper’s relationship. From a feud with Reality Steve to an “extraction” device, Jenna has been a complete sh*tshow. But in today’s news, we’re reminded that there’s plenty of psycho to go around in the Paradise cast. Today’s drama is courtesy of Jacqueline and Jordan Mauger, who were apparently (maybe?) a couple until recently. We never wrote an article about them, because in the time that would have taken, their relationship has completely fallen apart. As a quick refresher, Jacqueline was the girl on Arie’s season who was too smart to be there, and Jordan is New Zealand Jordan who appeared on Bachelor: Winter Games.
The first evidence of their relationship appeared a few weeks ago, when Jordan Instagrammed a photo of him and Jacqueline kissing at Burning Man. Ah yes, because all great loves begin in the desert when you’re wearing a corset, tutu, and a blue wig. Soon after that, Jacqueline gushed about Jordan in a post on Reddit: “he is just…good for me. He deals well with neurotic people. My favorite thing about Jordan is his maturity. He is incredibly patient and supportive. He is the least pretentious person I’ve ever met. He knows who he is.” Wow, this seems surprisingly deep for two people who met on a reality show. But as Nelly Furtado taught me many years ago, all good things come to an end.
A couple days ago, people noticed that Jordan had changed the caption on the photo, adding a “not” to the end. This is obviously a very emotionally mature way of acknowledging the end of a relationship, but then Jordan went and just deleted the photo before long. Thanks to the power of screenshots, here it is:
Life & Style got comments from both Jordan and Jacqueline, and I’m so thankful. Jacqueline kept it simple, saying “It’s been a very sad few days. I’m not doing great.” Aw. Jordan’s comments were brief, but a little more interesting, saying, “We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry,” followed by a bunch of broken heart emojis. I’m sorry, WHAT? That might be the most alarming sentence I’ve ever read, and I read Fifty Shades of Grey when I was 15. Did Jordan read that on a mug somewhere? Has he been spending too much time on Pinterest? I need to know.
After both parties made their initial comments, things continued to get more interesting. Someone posted on Reddit that Jacqueline had cheated on Jordan, and this was the reason for the split. The post was later taken down, and those claims were unverified, but the damage was done. Someone DMed Jordan to ask about the allegations, and he respectfully declined to talk about it, telling the DMer, “I’m really trying to recover from all this. It’s very heartbreaking. I hope you understand I don’t really want to go into it.” But of course, the person who DMed him then posted a screenshot of that conversation, so he talked to Life & Style again. Oh god, this dude is just as thirsty as all of them. He told them, “This situation is more complex and deeper than people know. I’m not entirely sure how Reddit works, but I’m sure it is very upsetting for Jacqueline as she uses it regularly. I’d respect if we could be left alone to recover from this by ourselves.”
Lmao, is he low-key dragging her for using Reddit? Either way, he’s really saying a lot for someone who claims he wants to be left alone. Aaaaand because famewhores gonna famewhore, Jacqueline also talked to Life & Style for a second time. “None of that comment is true. It’s someone who wrote a rumor I was able to disprove. Jordan is mad about a totally different topic. Jordan and I were never in a relationship. We were getting to know each other and discovering what could be possible between us.”
Okay, is anyone else confused? Jacqueline says she and Jordan were never in a relationship, and I’m thinking that they are on very different pages about that. Wow, and usually when I have a breakup, it’s the man who denies we were ever officially together in the first place, even though I MET YOUR PARENTS!! Anyway, good on Jacqueline for bucking gender norms. Whatever, both of these people are probably nuts.
So things may be over for Jacqueline and Jordan, but it’s likely only a matter of time before another couple in Bachelor Nation blesses us with a ridiculous mess. It just never ends with these crazies.
Images: @jord_abroad / Instagram; ABC
It’s been over four months since Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s whirlwind romance rocked our world, which means they’re now one of the longest lasting couples in Hollywood. But actually, it seems like things have been going well for them, even in the wake of Mac Miller’s tragic death. There have been endless paparazzi photos of them together, and we can never forget all of the iconic Instagram posts. But that doesn’t mean everything is perfect.
This week, Pete Davidson went on Howard Stern’s radio show, and of course, Howard asked lots of questions about Ariana. When talking about Pete’s decision to take a break from social media, Pete revealed that he’s received death threats due to his relationship with Ariana. Let me just use his exact words: “I got a death threat. Someone wanted to shoot me in the face because she’s so hot.”
Okay, so obviously this person is unstable, but also, it made me notice that Pete calls Ariana hot in literally every single interview. And it made me think: why? Is there anything else he likes about her? Like, of course, Ari is hot, but she’s also funny and talented and adorable and yes I’m a big fan if you couldn’t tell. Let’s take a look at some of the language Pete has used about Ariana because I for one think it’s questionable.
Let’s start back in June when Pete and Ariana were all over each other’s Instagrams. After doing their typical “I love u more” “no I love u most” “rawr that means ‘I love you’ in dinosaur” high school PDA fest, Seth Rogen commented, “Guys seriously.” Pete responded to Seth with the following comment:
“when ur getting married to the hottest girl in the world you tell me how you’d act.”
This was the first moment that caught my eye and made me wonder: if I blindfolded Pete Davidson and locked him in a room and asked him what he likes about Ariana Grande, could he come up with an answer other than “she’s hot”?
Now, here’s what Pete had to say when he did a Q&A at Auburn University when someone asked what it’s like being engaged to Ariana Grande:
“It’s like what you would think it was like but like a 100 times sicker. It’s f*cking lit. I’m a very, very lucky boy and very, very loved and I’m very lucky. My d*ck’s forever hard.”
Okay, so obviously the last part is meant to be crude and funny, and Pete is a comedian so I’m not even that mad. But I do find it weird that he doesn’t even say anything else of substance. Saying “sick” and “lit” over and over again doesn’t convince me that you know your fiancée on a deep spiritual level.
In the Howard Stern interview, Pete had lots to say about his relationship, and a lot of it is really TMI.
“I was jerking off to her before I met her.”
Um, ew? There’s nothing wrong with masturbating, and I’m not, like, surprised. But that’s just kind of a gross thing to say about the woman that you’re marrying. Can I get some brain bleach?
“Any time we’re intimate, I’m always apologizing and saying thank you. I swear to God. I’m like, you’re awesome for doing this, thank you so much.”
Okay, Pete, you are LITERALLY ENGAGED. Clearly, homeboy has some deep issues with his confidence and self-esteem. Or this is just like, a very weird joke? Like, you shouldn’t think this way about a random hookup, let alone someone you live with and who has already agreed to spend the rest of their life with you. I’m a fan of their relationship in general, but hearing him talk this way makes me so uncomfortable.
After scouring Pete’s interviews, I think I found the deepest thing he’s said publicly about Ariana. It comes from his August cover story for Variety:
“I can’t even put into words how great of a person she is. I could cry. She’s the f*cking coolest, hottest, nicest person I’ve ever met.”
Wow, not a dry eye in the house after that one. Yeah, he still says how hot she is, but did you know that she’s also cool AND nice?? I hope someday, someone talks about me like this. #goals!!!
So congrats to Pete Davidson on landing a woman who is decidedly hot. Maybe he should work on finding some more specific qualities he likes about her. Ariana deserves it! In other news, SNL premieres this weekend. And I’m eagerly waiting to see if they make any reference to Pete and Ariana’s relationship. I need it!
As your trusted pop culture correspondent, it’s my job to stay up-to-date with all the important happenings in Hollywood, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes, a story comes across my desk that just makes me feel old. This is one of those times. Today, I’m here to educate you on the newest, trendiest couple in the celeb-verse, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan. Who? What? Why? I share all of these questions, but we’re going to get through this together. Who are Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, why do people care about them, and should I? Stay with me, and all will be revealed. And yes, to answer your next question, we are all ancient.
Noah Cyrus
We’ll start with the easiest part to understand. Noah Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ younger sister, and she does music. She’s only 18 years old, but I would honestly believe it if you told me she was 35. She has an interesting look. She looks like if you turned Miley Cyrus into a porcelain doll, dyed her hair black, and then just like, stretched her out a little bit, but not in a bad way? If that sounds mean, I’ll just say that she looks a lot like Miley (which is a compliment), and way better than Lil Xan. But we’ll get to him in a minute.
Noah started out as a child actor, mostly just appearing in shows and movies for kids, including as a backup dancer in The Hannah Montana Movie. Wonder how she got that job. In 2016, Noah pivoted to a career in music, and since then she’s released a handful of singles that are at least mildly catchy. She’s making the same kind of moody, chill pop music as a million other 18/19-year-old girls right now (Madison Beer, Sabrina Carpenter, Carlie Hanson, Bea Miller, not that I’m into this sort of thing).
Lil Xan
*As I sat there, staring at Lil Xan’s Instagram and thinking about the college degree that I have, I couldn’t help but wonder, do I have to?*
Here I am, doing what needs to be done. Lil Xan (real name Diego Leanos) is a 21-year-old from outside of LA, and he’s one of those special humans that we like to call SoundCloud rappers. Basically, that means that he has face tattoos and has probably done a lot of drugs in his parents’ basement. He actually used to sell drugs, but now he’s anti-drugs. This might seem ironic, considering that he’s literally named after Xanax, but he’s talked about changing his stage name to Diego. Unclear if that’s actually going to happen, but I won’t hold my breath.
Lil Xan released his first album, Total Xanarchy, in April of this year, and the reviews were less than glowing. In The Guardian’s official review, Ben Beaumont-Thomas said that “I can confidently report that there are no good lyrics on this album.” Yikes. The album has 16 songs, which is like six too many, and it’s honestly exhausting. He’s no Kendrick Lamar, I’ll just say that.
Noah Cyrus & Lil Xan
Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan went public with their relationship back in July, when they both started posting Instagrams and stories of themselves basically cuddling and making out. It’s fun that more celeb couples are being public these days, but this whole thing feels a little like a bootleg Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Sorry Noah and Xan, but they already won the summer couple game this year. My favorite thing about them going public as a couple is that basically everyone was angry about it. Xan’s fans weren’t happy, Noah’s fans weren’t happy, and I’m still not happy that I even know who these people are. It’s 2018, and we just cannot have nice things.
Much like Pete and Ariana, the timeline of their relationship is really intriguing. The photo above was posted on July 30, and it seems safe to assume that this wasn’t the first day they were dating each other. But let’s take a time machine back to June 20, when Noah dropped a song featuring Tanner Alexander—who was her current boyfriend. Tanner is basically a rando, and it’s very unclear when he and Noah stopped dating, but she clearly moved on quickly. Last week, she and Xan released their first song together, so they’re either in it for the long haul, or they’ll be broken up by the time you read this.
The happy couple made their public debut together last week at the VMAs, and it was a lot. Noah looked good in a gold foil bikini and baggy pants, and Xan was wearing custom Off-White, which I can’t really hate on because I wish I could wear custom Off-White. Except I can kind of hate on it, because it was the VMAs, not Netflix and chill at a random apartment?? Put on some real pants—ok, you’re right, I’m aging myself. Outfits aside, they went viral for red carpet photos where he’s basically smashing his face into hers while she’s posing nicely for the camera.
Wow, this whole thing makes me feel very old. At least now you’ll be able to keep up with the youths in your life when they’re talking about Lil Xan. Thank god. Now please excuse me, I need to go listen to some Aretha Franklin to remember what music is supposed to sound like.
Images: @noahcyrus / Instagram (3); @xanxiety / Instagram
