Hey there, it’s me again! Remember exactly one week ago, when I told you all about Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, and how they were the most important Gen-Z couple you needed to know? Well, in a turn of events that honestly seems very appropriate, they’ve already broken up. Is this what whiplash feels like? As expected, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan had one of the messiest Instagram breakups in recent memory, and I’m here to guide you through the twists and turns. It’s literally so difficult to keep up with these kids, but let’s all try our best to get through this together.
It all started when Xan posted this cryptic Instagram Story that was obviously about Noah. I mean, yikes. No context, no evidence, and lots of fans that immediately started having panic attacks. I’m already tired.
Luckily, Xan wasn’t in the mood to keep things cryptic for long, so he followed up with more Insta Stories, this time talking about what happened. Sort of. He explains that his song with Noah is canceled and won’t be getting a video, and also that he feels very used. Also, I know the man in these videos is 21, but I just cannot stop thinking that he is in 9th grade. SIR, ARE YOU 14?
This, dear reader, is where our story takes a bizarre turn. Enter, Noah Cyrus. On her Insta story, Noah posted a screenshot of her text convo with Xan, where she sent a meme of Charlie Puth’s head photoshopped on a porn star’s body. ???????? I don’t know the origin of this meme, but Noah said that this meme is what made Xan think Noah was cheating on him. I’m sorry, what? Okay, so this raises a few important questions. 1) Has Lil Xan never seen a photo of Charlie Puth? Have they never met? Lil Xan should definitely be aware of Charlie Puth. 2) Does Lil Xan not recognize that this photo is obviously of a gay porn star? Like, if Noah was sleeping with some dude and took a photo of him, it would not look like this. 3) Why am I turned on by this photo of Charlie Puth’s head on a porn star’s body???
Personally I think that finding this “meme” funny is breakup-worthy in and of itself. But okay, so the Charlie Puth thing is funny and very strange, but now I’m sad because Noah did an Instagram Live (dear God why), where she told her young fans to be careful in relationships. As she was sobbing into the camera (please girl, get off Instagram), she said she didn’t do anything she’s getting accused of, and that she didn’t know anything was wrong until she woke up to a text from her mom asking what was going on. If that’s true, it’s pretty messed up. I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I definitely feel like I’m #TeamNoah.
By this time, Noah and Xan had unfollowed each other on Instagram, which is probably for the best.
*WE NOW INTERRUPT OUR REGULAR PROGRAMMING FOR THIS VIDEO OF LIL XAN PEEING ON HIS PLATINUM RECORD*
*OKAY THAT’S ALL NOW BACK TO THE DRAMA*
Meanwhile, Lil Xan posted on his story that the breakup had nothing to do with the Charlie Puth meme, but instead this photo that Noah posted with an EDM producer named Ookay. Now, I understand that this photo looks like it could be a little suspect with no additional context, but the fact that Noah literally posted it to her public Instagram feed really makes me think there’s nothing shady going on. Like, she’s a singer and he’s a producer, they were probably recording together or something. I really feel like Xan is overreacting, and I hate that I have an opinion on this.
Now, we enter this tragic story’s gripping final act (for now). We’ve been through the cheating accusations made against Noah Cyrus, but what about Lil Xan? Well, Noah claims he was cheating on her!!! Holy projection, Batman! In a series of Instagram stories that are just text (my favorite genre of book), she claims that he was hanging out with this other girl at 2am, and then he had a hickey the next day. DUN DUN DUN. He claims it’s “just a bruise,” but never in the history of blood vessels has anything else caused a bruise like that on the side of your neck.
Are you exhausted? I’m exhausted. I can’t wait for a few years from now, when we can all laugh about this and they make it into a movie and the little boy from Big Little Lies wins his second Oscar for playing Lil Xan. For now, we can probably expect a lot more shady Instagram stories and Live feeds, but I cannot guarantee that I will keep paying attention. Stay in school kids, or else you could end up like this.
Images: @noahanddiego / Instagram (5); @xanxiety / Instagram; @noahcyrus / Instagram
We’re only a little more than a week into 2018, but the endless cycle of celebrity relationships has no chill. Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff are over after more than five years together, marking the first big breakup story of the new year. In case you’re not up to speed, Jack Antonoff is the cute but dorky-looking guy from Fun. and Bleachers, and Lena is, of course, the star of Girls who basically has a second career in saying problematic shit about everything.
Their breakup is surprising, considering that they always seemed like a pretty normal, happy couple. Back in October, Lena posted an Instagram of them together, saying they had just celebrated five and a half years together, and that she was “still working hard to impress him in surprising ways.” We’re not sure if that’s supposed to be like, a weird sex thing, but clearly she still felt invested in the relationship.
But shit can change quickly, and obviously something wasn’t working between Jack and Lena. In the past, Lena had publicly said that they were waiting to get married until gay marriage was legal, but obviously that came and went a couple years ago. In November, Lena tweeted “5.5 years, no rock and you know what? It’s real nice.” Again, we obviously don’t have full context, but it’s probably not a great sign if you’re like, thrilled that your man hasn’t proposed to you after almost six years. Also if you have to tweet that you don’t care that your boyfriend hasn’t proposed, you definitely care. A lot.
So now it’s January and there are two more single people in the world, but we have a feeling they’ll both be okay. Lena can keep tweeting tone-deaf things about race and gender, facing no consequences for her actions, and Jack can go back to making music that no one really cares much about. We don’t know who either of them will end up with next, but we do know Lena’s next boyfriend definitely won’t be Odell Beckham Jr. We don’t know why they broke up, and their sources say it was “mutual”, but I like to think it was because Jack Antonoff finally woke up from his five-and-a-half-year hypnotism and realized he was dating Lena Dunham.
It’s that time of year again!! It felt like there hadn’t been much drama with Kylie Jenner and Tyga lately, which means it was the perfect time for them to break up again. Right on schedule (like, an E! production schedule perhaps?), there’s trouble in paradise. So what happened? Let’s unpack the drama.
It’s a little unclear who initiated the newest breakup, but there are competing theories. Here’s why it might be Kylie’s choice: mysterious “sources” have said that Kylie felt like she was being taken advantage of. No shit? Tyga has been living at her mansion and she’s been buying him luxury cars and essentially funding his life. That’s what happens when your claim to fame is that you released one shitty song in 2012. Like I know there are people out there who still say “rack, rack city bitch” but it’s not like he’s earning royalties off of that. Sorry Kylie, but you set yourself up for this.
Kylie was also apparently annoyed that Tyga hadn’t put a ring on it yet, which would maybe be a discussion worth having except for the fact that she’s STILL ONLY 19. Seriously, how is this girl still in her teens? Like we don’t have the best concept of time, but it feels (and looks) like Kylie should be approximately 40 years old by now. At this rate she’s going to be 99% plastic by the time she turns 30, so we really can’t wait to see what that looks like.
But some people are also saying it might have been Tyga’s call to break off the relationship. Apparently he doesn’t like how he’s been portrayed on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which honestly would be surprising given that the show is like, the only reason he’s not living in a box. Considering Tyga is the lowest person on the Kardashian totem pole, he should be glad he gets mentioned at all. Especially with Kanye in the picture, Tyga isn’t exactly the rapper everyone’s dying to see.
So now the lovebirds are separated, and it really seems like it could go either way. Like, we’re firmly of the opinion that Kylie is way too young/hot/rich to hang around with some guy who doesn’t treat her well or even have his own income, but they clearly have some connection that none of us understand, so who knows? Kylie was spotted holding hands with Travis Scott at Coachella, so she may have already moved on to a new rapper who actually makes good music.
For now, we’ll be missing Kylie’s Snap stories of her making comfort food for Tyga, but we still have the Snap stories of her doing lipstick swatches on her forearm, thank god.
At the end of last week, the mess that is 2017 so far continued when it was announced that hot actress Olivia Munn and hot football player Aaron Rodgers had broken up after more than three years together. Just recently it was rumored that they were engaged, but apparently that wasn’t in the cards. They remain “close friends and wish nothing but the best for each other moving forward,” which in non-publicist language probably means Aaron is glad to be rid of that bitch Olivia, and Olivia feels bad for the next girl who has to deal with Aaron’s weirdly shaped dick. Just speculating here as a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter…
In case you’re not sure exactly who we’re talking about right now, Aaron is Jordan Rodgers’s brother, as in the one who’s engaged to JoJo from The Bachelorette. The plot thickens. Actually, JoJo told Us Weekly about how supportive the Rodgers family was just a few hours before news of the split got out. So it’s unclear who she was talking about, but it seems obvious from that statement that despite how hard JoJo tried, she never got to be friends with Aaron and Olivia. Anyway, against all odds, JoJo and Jordan’s relationship has outlated Aaron and Olivia’s. I think I speak for all of us when I say:
Apparently, most of Aaron’s family was not a fan of Olivia, so he’s basically been totally estranged from them recently. And look how well that went! Tbh we kind of understand his family’s concern, because Olivia is super hot but she always looks like she’s keeping a secret that would fuck up your whole life. Or maybe that’s just her face, idk. Their reasons were—get this—they “didn’t think she was dating him for the right reasons.” Honestly, the irony is so beautiful I could cry.
Either way, Aaron is back on the market now, and he can presumably start talking to his family again. Honestly, if Aaron’s up for it he should go on the next season of The Bachelorette. It obviously worked out super well for his brother, and sweet Rachel would probably a welcome change from probably-psycho Olivia. It might conflict with his football training schedule (we have no clue when that shit starts), but he could probably get a note excusing him or something. Chris Harrison, please make this happen, okay?
